IC-NRLF 


B    3    327    525 


jOt 


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THE 


MERRY  TALES 


THREE  WISE    MEN    OF   GOTHAM. 


BY   THE   AUTHOR   OF 

"THE  DUTCHMAN'S  FIRESIDE,"  ''WESTWARD  HO!" 
"  SALMAGUNDI,"  &c. 


'  Three  Wise  Men  of  Gotham 
Went  to  sea  in  a  bowl ; 
If  the  bowl  had  been  stronger, 
My  tales  had  been  longer." 


NEW- YORK: 
HARPER  &  BROTHERS,  82  CLIFF-STREET, 

1839. 


X 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1835,  by 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS, 
in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  Southern  District  of  New-York. 


* 

Jj 


fi.  r/ 


INTRODUCTORY  DISSERTATION. 


ALTHOUGH  most  of  the  celebrated  cities  of  anti 
quity  have  been  described  with  such  accuracy,  and  their 
situations  pointed  out  with  so  much  precision,  that  there 
is  little  difficulty  in  at  least  making  a  tolerable  guess  at 
their  remains ;  yet  are  there  two  most  remarkable  ex 
ceptions.  To  this  day  no  one  has  succeeded  in  estab 
lishing  beyond  question  where  Babylon  once  stood,  and 
still  less  have  the  most  indefatigable  inquiries  even  led 
to  a  reasonable  conjecture  as  to  the  site  of  the  little  less 
renowned  city  of  Gotham.  No  circumstance  can  fur 
nish  a  higher  proof  of  the  superiority  of  the  works  of 
the  head  over  those  of  the  hands,  than  that  the  fame  of 
these  two  great  cities  should  have  been  preserved  in 
books  long  after  every  other  certain  vestige  of  their  ex 
istence  had  perished  from  the  face  of  the  earth. 
*  History,  sacred  and  profane,  alone  preserves  the  re 
membrance  of  Babylon ;  and  of  Gotham  we  possess 
scarcely  any  other  memorial  than  the  immortal  lines  to 
be  found  in  the  titlepage  of  this  work.  And  this  ex 
ample  furnishes  a  striking  proof  of  the  importance  of 
heroes,  poets,  and  philosophers,  in  cities  and  states. 
How  many  of  these  have  been  utterly  forgotten  in  the 
lapse  of  time,  merely  for  want  of  some  great  man  to 
rescue  them  from  oblivion !  How  many  of  the  most 
insignificant  have,  on  the  contrary,  become  renowned 
solely  in  consequence  of  having  been  the  birthplace  or 
A2 


M511087 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1835,  by 

HARPER  &  BROTHERS, 
in  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  Southern  District  of  New-York. 


PS 


INTRODUCTORY  DISSERTATION. 


fl. 


ALTHOUGH  most  of  the  celebrated  cities  of  anti 
quity  have  been  described  with  such  accuracy,  and  their 
situations  pointed  out  with  so  much  precision,  that  there 
is  little  difficulty  in  at  least  making  a  tolerable  guess  at 
their  remains ;  yet  are  there  two  most  remarkable  ex 
ceptions.  To  this  day  no  one  has  succeeded  in  estab 
lishing  beyond  question  where  Babylon  once  stood,  and 
still  less  have  the  most  indefatigable  inquiries  even  led 
to  a  reasonable  conjecture  as  to  the  site  of  the  little  less 
renowned  city  of  Gotham.  No  circumstance  can  fur 
nish  a  higher  proof  of  the  superiority  of  the  works  of 
the  head  over  those  of  the  hands,  than  that  the  fame  of 
these  two  great  cities  should  have  been  preserved  in 
books  long  after  every  other  certain  vestige  of  their  ex 
istence  had  perished  from  the  face  of  the  earth. 
*  History,  sacred  and  profane,  alone  preserves  the  re 
membrance  of  Babylon ;  and  of  Gotham  we  possess 
scarcely  any  other  memorial  than  the  immortal  lines  to 
be  found  in  the  titlepage  of  this  work.  And  this  ex 
ample  furnishes  a  striking  proof  of  the  importance  of 
heroes,  poets,  and  philosophers,  in  cities  and  states. 
How  many  of  these  have  been  utterly  forgotten  in  the 
lapse  of  time,  merely  for  want  of  some  great  man  to 
rescue  them  from  oblivion !  How  many  of  the  most 
insignificant  have,  on  the  contrary,  become  renowned 
solely  in  consequence  of  having  been  the  birthplace  or 
A2 


M5110S7 


8  INTRODUCTORY   DISSERTATION. 

and  forgot  whatever  other  people  remembered,  speaks 
of  the  "  Merry  Tales  of  the  Mad  Men  of  Gotham,"  a 
work  in  great  repute  in  his  time,  when  the  kindest  name 
given  to  a  philosopher  was  that  of  a  madman,  a  phrase 
which  often  saved  him  from  the  stake  or  the  block. 
This  work  was  long  supposed  to  be  extinct,  but  at  length 
came  to  light  not  long  since,  at  Mr.  Bindley's  sale,  and 
was  bought  by  a  young  American  traveller  for  a  trifle, 
owing  to  the  deplorable  ignorance  of  two  munificent 
noblemen,  who  little  suspected  that  it  was  the  only  copy 
in  the  known  world,  and  for  that  reason  considered  it  as 
worth  nothing. 

It  is  this  work  which  is  now  presented  to  the  reader, 
divested  of  its  antique  garb,  that  it  may  be  more  exten 
sively  circulated  and  understood,  and  restored  to  its 
genuine  title  of  the  "  Merry  Tales  of  the  Three 
Wise  Men  of  Gotham."  It  was  thought  inhuman  to 
hoard  up  the  treasure,  and  keep  all  this  huge  bundle  of 
knowledge  to  ourselves,  after  the  manner  of  certain  great 
lovers  of  literature,  who  think  a  book  is  like  a  mistress, 
of  no  value  if  her  beauties  are  enjoyed  by  another.  But 
to  return  to  our  subject. 

Though  we  have  adopted  the  work  as  genuine,  we 
are  by  no  means  inclined  to  humour  the  English  writers 
in  their  claim  to  this  illustrious  city.  They  are  wel 
come  to  London  and  Liverpool,  and  even  to  Oxford  and 
Cambridge,  with  all  our  heart.  But  as  to  the  renowned 
city  of  Gotham,  we  will  not  yield  a  single  hair  of  its 
head  to  England  or  any  other  country.  We  are  willing 
to  let  the  matter  rest  as  it  is,  so  that  every  nation  may 
have  an  equal  claim,  but  our  disinterestedness  will  go 
no  further.  All  we  will  concede  is,  that  Gotham,  like 
some  glorious  philosophers  and  benefactors  of  the  human 
race,  is  a  city  belonging  to  the  whole  civilized  world, 
the  emporium  of  arts,  the  head-quarters  of  philosophy, 
and  the  illustrious  seat  of  the  'perfection  of  reason. 
Whether  in  the  New  or  the  Old  World  is  of  little  conse- 


INTRODUCTORY    DISSERTATION.  9 

quence,  since  such  is  its  glory  and  renown  that  there  is 
quite  enough  of  it  to  satisfy  half  a  dozen  worlds.  Leav 
ing  this  part  of  our  inquiry  to  take  care  of  itself,  we 
will  proceed  to  discuss  other  equally  important  matters. 

It  cannot  be  sufficiently  lamented  by  those  who  rightly 
consider  the  forgetting  of  any  thing  a  great  misfortune, 
whether  it  was  worth  remembering  or  not,  that  such  a 
culpable  carelessness  and  indifference  prevailed  in  early 
times  in  respect  to  the  little  peculiarities  and  private  par 
ticulars  which  no  doubt  distinguished  the  great  men  of 
those  days.  It  is  melancholy  to  think  how  much  we 
read,  and  how  little  we  know  of  the  great  writers 

of  antiquity.  The  race  of  "  d d  good-natured" 

biographers,  who  in  the  present  age  so  amply  fur 
nish  all  these  interesting  particulars,  was  unknown 
at  that  time,  at  least  none  of  their  works  have  come 
down  to  us.  It  is  owing  in  a  great  measure  to  this 
circumstance,  that  the  great  men  of  antiquity  pre 
serve  a  sort  of  prescriptive  superiority  over  the  moderns  ; 
not  that  they  were  really  wiser  or  more  virtuous,  or 
brave,  but  because  there  were  no  prying,  curious,  indus 
trious,  pains-taking  persons,  who  noted  their  foibles,  set 
down  their  folly  for  wisdom,  and  made  use  of  the  inti 
macy  they  had  obtained  by  cringing  sycophancy  to  furnish 
themselves  with  materials  to  shame  them  with  posterity. 

Thus  it  is  that  the  ancients  tower  above  the  moderns, 
because  of  the  former  we  scarcely  know  any  thing  but 
what  is  great,  and  the  greatness  of  the  latter  is  over 
shadowed  by  littlenesses.  Their  virtues  and  vices,  their 
wisdom  and  folly,  their  magnanimity  and  meanness, 
their  strength  and  their  weakness,  are  so  mixed  up,  and 
withal  so  impartially  dwelt  upon  by  the  faithful  biogra 
pher,  that  we  approach  the  most  illustrious  sage  with  the 
familiarity  of  a  pert  valet,  by  long  service  become  ac 
quainted  with  all  the  foibles  and  secrets  of  his  master. 
We  become,  as  it  were,  quite  relieved  from  that  sense  of 
degrading  inferiority  inspired  by  the  naked  simplicity  of 
A3 


10  INTRODUCTORY   DISSERTATION. 

ancient  virtue,  as  handed  down  to  us  by  writers  so 
neglectful  of  their  duty  as  one-half  the  time  to  forget 
whether  their  heroes  had  in  reality  any  vices  to  bring 
them  down  to  the  level  of  humanity. 

Still  more  is  it  to  be  regretted  that  the  noble  ambition 
of  collecting  those  works  which  derive  their  peculiar 
value  from  having  been  long  since  forgotten,  did  not 
originate  somewhat  earlier,  and  before  so  many  valuable 
relics,  so  much  invaluable  information,  had  been  irretriev 
ably  lost.  Follies  and  weaknesses  that  might  have 
been  dignified  by  the  examples  of  illustrious  men  are 
become  degraded  by  being  supposed  to  appertain  ex 
clusively  to  the  vulgar ;  and  the  mousing  gossips  of 
literature  cheated  of  all  chance  of  pulling  to  pieces  the 
character  of  an  ancient  worthy. 

This  blameable  neglect  in  recording  the  littlenesses 
and  preserving  memorials  of  the  vices  of  great  persons 
can  perhaps  best  be  accounted  for  and  excused  on  the 
supposition  that  a  great  portion  of  the  now  illustrious 
sages  of  antiquity  had  not  their  merits  brought  to  light 
until  long  after  they  were  dead,  when  the  only  memo 
rials  of  their  having  once  existed  were  their  immortal 
works.  Conquerors,  heroes,  and  fashionable  bards 
receive  the  admiration  of  their  contemporaries,  and  reap 
their  harvest  while  living  ;  but  sages  and  virtuous  men 
must,  for  the  most  part,  content  themselves  with  being 
venerated  in  their  ashes,  and  rewarded  in  a  future  world. 
The  difference  between  the  mere  vulgar  idol  of  a  fashion 
able  mob  and  the  retired  votary  of  wisdom,  genius,  and 
virtue  is,  that  the  one  is  remembered  while  living  and 
forgot  when  dead,  while  the  other  emerges  to  light  and 
immortality  at  the  moment  he  ceases  to  live.  It  is  then 
that  the  literary  "  resurrection-men"  for  the  first  time  dis 
cover  that  he  is  worth  disinterring,  and  that  they  set  about 
disturbing  his  ashes,  and  raking  up,  with  pious  industry, 
the  memory  of  all  those  little,  frivolous,  and  impertinent 
particulars,  the  knowledge  of  which  answers  little  other 


INTRODUCTORY    DISSERTATION,  11 

purpose  but  that  of  adding  to  our  contempt  for  poor 
human  nature.  Thus  it  is  that  the  longer  the  time 
which  elapses  after  the  death  of  great  men  before  man 
kind  discover  they  were  really  great,  the  more  fortunate 
for  their  lasting  reputation.  They  revive  with  greater 
lustre,  when  all  the  little  clouds  and  shadows  which 
dimmed  their  glories  are  passed  away,  and  appear  in  the 
imperishable  brightness  of  their  own  immortal  produc 
tions.  Of  Homer,  Shakspeare,  and  the  few  names 
that  occupy  the  summit  of  the  temple  of  Fame,  how 
little  do  we  know  ;  while  everybody  knows  all  about 
the  lesser  lights,  that  will  twinkle  for  a  little  while  in 
the  darkness  which  surrounds  them,  and  then  go  out  for 
ever.  The  "  Great  Unknown"  has,  we  are  credibly 
informed,  not  less  than  six  industrious  "  resurrection- 
men,"  watching  day  and  night  only  for  the  breath  to  be 
fairly  out  of  his  body,  to  make  an  example  of  him. 
Nay,  so  impatient  are  they  for  his  decease,  that  it  is 
currently  rumoured  on  this  side  the  water,  they  have  it  in 
serious  contemplation  to  make  away  with  him  the  first 
convenient  opportunity,  in  their  apprehension  that  he 
will  cheat  them  of  his  biography  by  unluckily  outliving 
them  all.  We  earnestly  advise  him  not  to  go  out  at 
night,  nor  wander  in  solitary  places ;  or  at  least,  if  he 
will,  to  wear  a  coat-of-mail,  and  take  every  reasonable 
precaution.  It  would  be  twice  unfortunate,  to  be  first 
made  away  with,  in  cold  blood,  and  afterward  murdered 
in  a  biography.  The  best  way,  we  think,  and  we  ad 
vise  him  to  it  forthwith,  will  be  to  write  his  own  life, 
after  the  manner  of  certain  persecuted  worthies,  who, 
in  order  to  disappoint  the  mob  of  a  public  spectacle, 
fairly  hang  themselves  up  the  night  before  execution. 
Be  this  as  it  may,  it  is  without  doubt  owing  in  a  great 
measure  to  the  fact,  that  our  Three  Wise  Men  were  of 
the  class  of  the  immortals  who  live  only  in  after  ages, 
that  their  fame  has  lain  thus  long,  as  it  were,  in  abey 
ance,  while  so  many  insignificant  persons  have  been 


12  INTRODUCTORY   DISSERTATION. 

handed  down  with  honour,  not  indeed  from  generation 
to  generation,  but  from  the  reviewer  to  the  magazines, 
and  from  the  magazines  to  the  newspapers. 

A  still  greater  uncertainty  obtains  in  respect  to  the 
precise  era  in  which  our  sages  flourished  than  exists 
in  relation  to  the  place  of  their  nativity.  In  the  ori 
ginal  black-letter  copy,  neither  the  date  of  the  publi 
cation  nor  the  name  of  the  printer  is  preserved,  so 
that  we  are  left  entirely  in  the  dark  as  to  these  inter 
esting  particulars.  Neither  can  any  thing  decisive  be 
inferred  from  the  nature  of  the  topics  discussed,  or 
the  events  alluded  to,  in  the  course  of  the  work,  since 
nothing  is  more  certain  than  that  the  opinions  as  well 
as  the  events  of  the  world,  like  the  world  itself,  are  per 
petually  moving  in  a  circle.  Revolving  years,  as  they 
bring  about' a  return  of  the  same  seasons,  and  the 
same  fashions  in  dress,  reproduce  at  the  same  time 
similar  errors  of  the  vulgar,  and  absurdities  of  the  wise. 
Old  errors  are  pretty  sure  to  return,  after  having  been 
absent  long  enough  to  be  forgotten,  under  a  new  name, 
and  with  a  new  face.  They  are  like  spaniels ;  we 
cannot  beat  them  from  us.  Thus  it  is,  in  like  manner, 
with  the  theories  and  inventions  which  are  daily  passed 
upon  us  for  original,  but  which,  for  the  most  part,  will  be 
found  to  be  nothing  more  than  the  revivals  of  old  and  ex 
ploded  fashions,  which  the  world  had  worn  till  it  was 
tired,  and  then  thrown  by  among  the  lumber  of  antiquity, 
for  some  new  rattle,  that  had  its  day,  and  then  followed 
its  predecessor,  quietly  into  a  temporary  oblivion.  To 
argue  then  that  the  following  work  is  modern,  because  it 
treats  of  topics  fashionable  at  the  present  day,  is  in  effect 
to  deny,  what  is  certainly  true,  that  one  age  is  a  mere 
edition  of  another,  with  some  alterations,  but  the  contents 
substantially  the  same.  It  tickles  human  vanity  to  tell 
us  that  we  are  wiser  than  our  fathers ;  and  it  is  one  of 
those  propositions  which  is  likely  to  pass  without  con 
tradiction,  from  the  circumstance  that  all  those  most 


INTRODUCTORY   DISSERTATION.  13 

interested  in  denying  it  are  dead  and  gone.  But  if  the 
grave  could  speak,  and  the  churchyards  vote  upon  the 
question,  we  living  boasters  would  be  in  a  most  pitiful 
minority.  That  the  knowledge  of  mankind  is  not 
always  progressive,  and  one  age  inevitably  wiser  than 
another,  is  exemplified  most  miserably  in  the  history  of 
the  world.  It  is  only  to  cast  our  eyes  towards  the  coun 
try  of  Homer,  of  Aristotle,  and  of  Socrates,  to  behold 
millions  of  living  testimonies  to  prove  that  the  mind  of 
man,  like  the  crab,  moves  backwards  and  forwards  with 
equal  facility,  and  that  ages  of  knowledge  seem  natu 
rally  succeeded  by  ages  of  ignorance.  Man  cannot  do 
or  know  every  thing  at  once  ;  and  it  is  not  altogether  im 
probable,  that  in  proportion  as  a  succeeding  age  adds  to 
the  knowledge  of  a  preceding  one,  it  makes  way  for  ifc 
by  displacing  something  equally  important.  Men  may 
forget  as  well  as  learn  ;  and,  without  doubt,  many,  very 
many,  wise  and  virtuous  habits  and  practices  have  been 
from  time  to  time  elbowed  out  of  the  world,  to  make 
room  for  outlandish  and  pestilent  novelties.  He,  there 
fore,  who  should  take  upon  him  to  pronounce  this  work 
a  production  of  the  present  age,  merely  on  the  authority 
of  the  topics  it  discusses,  would  very  probably  decide 
that  the  elderly  gentlemen  about  town  are  all  young,  be 
cause  some  of  them  dress  like  dandies,  dance  cotillions, 
and  aspire  to  the  possession  of  youthful  belles. 

Some  may  suppose  that  the  names  of  the  Three 
Wise  Men  might  possibly  lead  to  detection.  But  we 
feel  bound  in  candour  to  confess  that  these  are  of  our 
own  invention.  Such  is  the  innate  modesty  of  true 
wisdom,  that  not  one  of  this  illustrious  trio  ever  took 
occasion  to  disclose  his  name  to  any  living  person,  so 
far  as  we  have  been  able  to  discover.  Certain  it  is, 
that  if  they  did,  the  author  or  compiler,  whose  name 
is  equally  unknown,  has  either  wilfully  or  ignorantly 
omitted  it  through  the  whole  course  of  the  work,  leaving 
blanks,  which  we  thought  proper  to  fill  up  to  the  best  of 
2 


14  INTRODUCTORY    DISSERTATION. 

our  judgment,  as  the  frequent  omissions  had  an  unp!< 
ant  effect  on  the  eye  of  the  reader. 

The  circumstance  of  their  going  to  sea  in  a  bowl 
we  are  rather  inclined  to  consider  as  allegorical;  or 
perhaps  it  may  be  a  poetic  license.  At  all  events, 
whether  it  be  so  or  not,  it  indicates  in  the  most  striking 
manner  the  opinion  entertained  by  the  poet  of  their 
daring  intrepidity  in  thus  venturing  out  upon  the  most 
unstable  of  all  elements,  in  so  frail  a  bark.  It  shows 
a  contempt  of  danger,  when  encountered  in  search  of 
knowledge,  far  above  that  of  Belzoni,  Parke,  Horn- 
man,  or  any  martyr  to  Egyptian  mummies,  incognita 
African  rivers,  or  north-west  passages.  A  love  of  know 
ledge,  so  elevated  above  all  fear  of  consequences, 
places  them  on  a  level  with  that  distinguished  phrenolo 
gist  of  Edinburgh,  who  is  reported  to  have  knocked  out 
his  own  brains,  for  the  purpose  of  demonstrating  the 
truth  of  his  favourite  science. 

Having  now,  as  we  presume  to  flatter  ourselves,  suffi 
ciently  established  to  the  satisfaction  of  the  reader,  the 
three  points  we  set  out  to  prove,  to  wit,  that  neither  the 
birthplace,  the  era,  or  the  names  of  the  Three  Wise 
Men  of  Gotham  can  now  ever  be  known,  we  shall  put 
an  end  to  our  inquiry.  Before  we  conclude,  however, 
we  will  take  occasion  to  state,  that  the  engraving  in  the 
titlepage  is  an  exact  copy  of  the  frontispiece  to  the 
black-letter  copy.  Should  any  doubt  the  existence  of 
the  original,  we  refer  them  to  our  publisher  for  further 
satisfaction. 

It  may  be  proper  to  add  that  there  is  neither  introduc 
tion  nor  preface  to  the  originals  of  these  tales ;  no  ex 
planation  of  the  particular  circumstances  which  brought 
our  Three  Wise  Men  together ;  nor  of  the  occasion 
which  prompted  them  to  relate  their  stories  to  each 
other.  We  may  reasonably,  however,  suppose  that  it 
was  done  to  while  away  the  tedium  of  a  long  voyage ; 
and  that  upon  some  placid  summer  morning,  while  the 


INTRODUCTORY   DISSERTATION.  15 

wave  was  calm,  the  sky  serene,  the  sea-birds  skimming 
over-head,  and  the  dolphins  playing  beside  them,  the 
Man  Machine,  being  politely  requested  by  his  compan- 
ious,  began,  as  will  be  seen  in  the  following  pages. 

New-Amsterdam,  February,  1826. 


THE  MAN  MACHINE; 

OR, 

THE   PUPIL   OF   "CIRCUMSTANCES." 


I  WAS  born,  began  the  first  Wise  Man  of  Gotham,  in 
a  country  that  I  consider  unworthy  of  my  nativity,  and 
for  that  reason  I  shall  do  all  in  my  power  to  deprive  it 
of  the  honour,  by  not  mentioning  its  name.  I  am, 
moreover,  descended  from  a  family,  which  must  neces 
sarily  be  of  great  antiquity,  since,  like  all  old  things,  it 
has  long  since  fallen  into  decay.  My  father  had  little 
or  no  money,  but  was  blessed  with  the  poor  man's 
wealth,  a  fruitful  wife  and  great  store  of  children.  Of 
these  I  am  the  eldest ;  but  at  the  period  I  shall  com 
mence  my  story,  we  were  all  too  young  to  take  care  of 
ourselves,  until  the  fortunate  discovery  was  made  by 
some  great  philanthropist,  that  little  children,  of  six  or 
seven  years  old,  could  labour  a  dozen  or  fourteen  hours 
a  day,  without  stinting  their  minds,  ruining  their  health, 
or  destroying  their  morals.  This  improvement  in  the 
great  science  of  PRODUCTIVE  LABOUR,  delighted  my 
father — it  was  shifting  the  onus,  as  the  lawyers  say, 
from  his  own  shoulders  to  that  of  his  children.  He 
forthwith  bound  us  all  over  to  a  cotton  manufactory, 
where  we  stood  upon  our  legs  three  times  as  long  as  a 
member  of  Congress,  that  is  to  say,  fourteen  hours  a 


18  THE   MAN  MACHINE. 

day,  and  among  eight  of  us,  managed  to  earn  a  guinea 
a  week.  The  old  gentleman,  for  gentleman  he  became 
from  the  moment  he  discovered  his  little  flock  could 
maintain  him — thought  he  had  opened  a  mine.  He 
left  off  working,  and  took  to  drinking  and  studying  the 
mysteries  of  political  economy  and  productive  labour. 
He  soon  became  an  adept  in  this  glorious  science,  and 
at  length  arrived  at  the  happy  conclusion,  that  the  whole 
moral,  physical,  political,  and  religious  organization  of 
society  resolved  itself  into  making  the  most  of  human 
labour  ;  just  as  we  do  of  that  of  our  horses,  oxen,  asses, 
and  other  beasts  of  burthen. 

I  was  nine  years  old  when  I  went  into  bondage,  and 
had  previously  learned  to  read  and  write  pretty  fluently ; 
for  in  my  country  there  are  few  so  poor  that  they  can 
not  obtain  these  advantages.  It  was  lucky  for  me,  for 
I  never  learned  any  thing  afterward  but  the  art  of  add 
ing  to  the  amount  of  productive  labour.  I  continued  in 
this  happy  asylum  of  infant  innocence  till  I  was  thirteen 
years  old.  I  say  happy,  according  to  the  glorious 
science  of  productive  labour.  It  is  true,  we  had  little 
to  eat,  but  as  we  had  but  little  time  to  eat  it  in,  it  was  of 
little  consequence  whether  we  had  plenty  to  eat  or  not. 
The  short  space  allowed  us  for  eating  had  another  great 
advantage,  as  the  superintendent  assured  us.  By  swal 
lowing  without  chewing,  our  food  was  longer  in  di 
gesting,  and  of  course  administered  more  to  our  nour 
ishment.  He  instanced  the  snakes,  who  always  swal 
lowed  their  prey  whole — and  the  wisdom  of  serpents 
was  proverbial.  Food  and  time  were  precious  things, 
and  people  ought  to  make  the  most  of  them.  It  was 
also  a  maxim  with  him  that  too  much  liberty,  or  leisure, 
was  quite  as  bad  as  too  much  food  and  too  much  time 
to  eat  it  in.  It  made  people  radicals  and  unbelievers. 
Thus  he  clearly  proved  that  the  little  we  had  to  eat,  and 
the  little  time  to  eat  it,  were  highly  beneficial. 

To  enforce  this  salutary  doctrine,  there  was  a  system 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  19 

of  fines,  which  for  a  long  while  made  a  great  hole  in  our 
pockets.  Our  moments  were  all  numbered — there  was 
a  fine  for  every  moment  we  exceeded  the  limited  time 
of  meals — a  fine  for  every  moment  we  went  beyond  the 
specified  time  allowed  for  all  the  ordinary  operations  of 
nature — a  fine  for  looking  out  at  a  window — a  fine  for 
opening  a  window,  although  we  might  be  suffocating  in 
an  atmosphere  of  cotton  exhalations,  heated  like  an 
oven — a  fine  for  sneezing,  lest  we  should  blow  away 
some  of  the  particles  of  cotton,  and  thus  diminish  the 
amount  of  productive  labour.  There  was  a  fine  for 
nodding  over  a  spinning-jenny,  when  the  poor  souls, 
worn  out  with  the  endless  monotonous  toils  of  the  day, 
involuntarily  sought  refuge  in  a  momentary  forgetfulness. 
In  short,  we  were  chained  and  enslaved  by  a  system  of 
petty  fines  and  exactions,  which,  in  addition  to  the  cer 
tainty  of  being  punished  on  Saturday  night,  when  we 
brought  home  our  diminished  earnings,  soon  made  us 
as  docile  as  the  galley-slave  at  his  oar.  We  had  neither 
time  to  learn,  nor  inclination  to  play,  for  the  short  inter 
mission  of  our  labours  was  passed  in  dozing.  We 
became  stupified  in  mind,  and  the  functions  of  our 
bodies  gradually  obeyed  the  impulses  of  the  engine 
which  gave  life  and  motion  to  the  machinery.  By  the 
time  I  had  been  there  three  years,  I  became  sensible 
that  my  soul  had  transmigrated  into  a  spinning-jenny, 
and  that  I  had  actually  become  a  piece  of  machinery. 

But  the  happy  discovery  that  even  little  children  of 
six  or  seven  years  old  could  add  to  the  amount  of  pro 
ductive  labour,  instead  of  wickedly  eating,  and  being 
merry  at  school  or  at  play,  was  fated  to  be  improved 
upon,  like  every  thing  else  in  this  most  improving  age. 
Some  persons,  of  rather  morbid  sensibility,  began  to 
surmise  that  this  mode  of  calling  out  the  productive 
labour  of  little  children  of  six  or  seven  years  old  was 
not  altogether  either  humane  or  politic.  It  was  discov 
ered  in  the  course  of  inquiry,  that  this  seclusion  from 


20  THE   MAN   MACHINE. 

air,  exercise,  instruction,  and  amusement,  together  with 
the  total  absence  of  all  variety  in  the  routine  of  their 
existence,  each  so  essential  to  the  welfare  and  happi 
ness  of  children,  was  highly  pernicious  to  their  health, 
their  morals,  and  their  minds.  Though  it  might  add  to 
the  great  mass  of  productive  labour,  it  was  equally  cer 
tain  that  it  also  added  to  productive  vice  and  ignorance. 
Various  plans  were  accordingly  suggested,  from  time  to 
time,  for  combining  perpetual  confinement  and  labour, 
with  the  necessary  freedom,  instruction,  and  amusement  ; 
for  arresting  the  progress  of  moral  and  physical  degen 
eracy,  without  infringing  upon  the  paramount  claims  of 
productive  labour — the  grand  and  only  desideratum  of 
the  social  compact. 

It  was  in  pursuance  of  this  great  object  that  a  cele 
brated  philosopher,  or  philanthropist,  I  hardly  know 
which,  fortunately  conceived  a  plan  by  which  these  de 
sirable  effects  might  not  only  be  produced,  but  com 
bined  with  an  entire  new  state  of  society,  which  would 
remove  all  temptation  to  crime,  and  consequently  all 
necessity  for  punishment.  Accordingly,  he  lost  no 
time  in  establishing  in  our  neighbourhood  a  manufactory 
for  the  spinning  of  cotton  and  the  perfectibility  of  man. 

My  father  was  quite  taken  with  this  improvement  in 
the  glorious  science  of  productive  labour,  which  he  con 
sidered  would  be  killing  two  birds  with  one  stone  ;  and 
for  my  part  I  was  quite  willing  to  go  just  whither  he 
pleased.  I  had  lost  all  habit  of  thinking  or  acting  for 
myself,  and  being  pretty  well  assured  that  I  could  not 
be  much  worse  off,  felt  perfectly  resigned  to  go  any 
where  else  than  where  I  was.  I  never  envied  any 
thing  that  I  recollect,  but  a  little  bird  that  had  made  its 
nest  within  view  of  the  window  where  I  worked,  and 
whose  merry  notes  and  wayward  liberty  sometimes 
brought  the  tears  into  my  eyes,  without  my  knowing 
what  was  the  matter  with  me.  The  superintendent 
caught  me  at  it  one  day,  and  fined  me  for  losing  time  in 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  21 

wiping  them  away  with  my  sleeve.  I  accordingly 
joined  the  new  establishment  with  as  little  anxiety  or 
anticipation  as  the  blind  man  changes  his  prospect. 

When  about  five  hundred  men,  women,  and  little  chil 
dren  were  got  together,  our  master,  the  manufacturing 
philosopher,  made  us  a  speech,  in  which  he  proceeded  to 
lay  down  his  first  principles.  I  think  I  remember  almost 
his  very  words,  for  they  made  a  great  impression  at  the 
time,  and  he  often  repeated  them  afterward.  My  mem 
ory  being  the  only  faculty  I  ever  had  occasion  to  exer 
cise  during  the  early  part  of  my  life,  has  likewise  be 
come  very  retentive. 

"  I  consider,"  said  he,  "  the  people  employed  in  my 
establishment  as  a  part  of  the  machinery,  the  whole  of 
which  it  is  my  duty  and  interest  to  combine,  so  that 
every  hand,  as  well  as  every  spring,  lever,  and  wheel, 
shall  effectually  co-operate  to  produce  the  greatest  pecu 
niary  gain  to  the  proprietors,  which  is  what  I  under  stand 
by  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine.* 

"  You  are  well  aware  of  the  advantages  of  having 
good  substantial  machinery,  and  the  necessity  of  keep 
ing  it  clean,  well  arranged,  and  in  a  high  state  of  repair  ; 
and  that  if  it  is  allowed  to  get  dirty  and  out  of  order,  it 
produces  unnecessary  friction,  and  consequently  will  not 
perform  the  same  quantity  of  work.  If  then  a  want  of 
due  care  as  to  the  state  of  your  inanimate  machines  pro 
duces  such  mischievous  results,  what  may  not  be  ex 
pected  when  the  MAN  MACHINE  is  suffered  to  get  out  of 
order  by  neglect  ? 

"  When  you  shall  acquire  a  right  knowledge  of  these 
machines — their  curious  mechanism — their  self-adjusting 
power — when  the  proper  main-spring  shall  be  applied  to 

*  There  is  such  a  remarkable  coincidence  between  this  and  the 
following  positions,  and  those  advanced  in  "  A  New  View  of  So 
ciety,"  lately  published  by  Mr.  Owen,  that  we  cannot  help  suspect 
ing  the  author  of  the  latter  of  having  had  a  peep  into  the  "  Wise 
Men  of  Gotham," 


22  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

their  various  movements,  you  will  become  conscious  of 
their  real  value,  and  you  will  be  readily  induced  to  turn 
your  thoughts  more  frequently  from  your  inanimate  to 
your  living  machines  ;  you  will  discover  that  the  latter 
may  be  easily  trained  and  directed  to  procure  A  LARGE 
INCREASE  OF  PECUNIARY  GAIN,  while  you  may  also 
derive  from  them  high  and  substantial  gratification. 

"  Now  the  main-springs,  or  first  principles,  which  I 
would  apply  to  the  regulation  of  these  J\Ien  Machines, 
are  equally  obvious  and  simple.  In  the  first  place,  I 
am  fully  satisfied  that  children  are  merely  compounded 
of  corporeal  machinery  ;  and  that,  as  you  may  equally 
apply  the  powers  of  a  steam  engine  to  the  manufactory 
of  cotton  or  the  destruction  of  mankind,  so  you  may  with 
equal  ease  direct  the  machinery  of  man  to  good  or  evil 
purposes.  In  the  one  case  it  is  done  by  regulating  the 
operation  of  the  steam  engine  by  certain  rules  of  science 
and  experience  ;  in  the  other  by  example  and  education. 
Unhappily,  however,  the  talents  and  ingenuity  of  men 
have  lately  been  too  much  turned  to  the  object  of  im 
proving  inanimate  machinery,  forgetting,  it  would  seem, 
that  the  labour  of  the  Man  Machine  may,  by  proper 
regulation,  be  so  regulated  and  arranged  that  one  man 
may  be  able  to  do  the  ivork  of  twenty. 

"  Not  only  this,  but  I  will  venture  to  assert,  without 
fear  of  contradiction,  that  as  you  may  improve  the  Man 
Machine  so  as  to  make  it  doubly  operative  in  adding  to 
the  mass  of  productive  labour  ;  so  may  you  in  like  man 
ner  give  it,  at  the  same  time,  any  character  you  please, 
by  means  which  are  at  the  command  of  all  those  who 
influence  the  affairs  of  the  world,  and  take  a  proper  advan 
tage  of  circumstances.  J  also  assert,  that  a  community 
may  be  so  trained  as  to  live  without  idleness,  ivithout 
poverty,  without  crime,  and  without  punishment,  by  the 
mere  application  of  circumstances.* 

*  The  author  of  the  "  New  View  of  Society"  has  apparently 
borrowed  these  sentiments. — ED. 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  23 

"  I  assert,  in  the  second  place,  that  the  will  of  man 
has  no  power  over  his  opinions,  and  therefore  it  is 
absurd  to  make  him  accountable  for  errors  which  origin 
ate  entirely  in  a  defective  system  of  education,  over 
which  he  has  no  control  whatever  at  the  period  in  which 
he  receives  all  his  impressions.  In  fact,  my  dearly 
beloved  machines,  it  is  susceptible  of  demonstration, 
that  from  the  creation  of  the  world  to  the  present  time, 
all  men  have  been  erroneously  trained,  and  hence  all  the 
inconsistencies  and  misery  of  this  world.*  Hence  it 
arises  that  generation  after  generation  have  been  taught 
crime  from  their  infancy,  and  when  so  taught,  hunted 
like  beasts  of  the  forest,  until  they  are  entangled  beyond 
escape  in  the  toils  and  nets  of  the  law.  All  this  would 
have  been  avoided  had  CIRCUMSTANCES  been  altered. 
The  judge  would  have  been  at  the  bar,  and  the  criminal 
on  the  bench. 

"  From  these  undeniable  facts  it  results,  that  as  the 
human  machine  cannot  be  accountable  in  the  eye  of 
reason  for  opinions  originating  in  an  erroneous  system 
of  education  over  which  it  has  no  control,  so  neither  can 
it  be  legally  or  morally  accountable  for  its  actions  so 
far  as  they  are  influenced  by  those  opinions.  To  punish 
the  Man  Machine  for  these  by  fine,  imprisonment,  or 
death  is  therefore  about  as  rational  and  just  as  to  pun 
ish  a  spinning-jenny  for  going  wrong,  after  being  con 
structed  on  wrong  principles.  Indeed,  nothing  can  be 
more  absurd  or  barbarous  than  the  whole  system  of 
punishments.  Punishment,  I  will  venture  to  assert, 
never  has  nor  ever  can  have  any  effect  to  prevent  the 
commission  of  crime,  as  is  proved  by  the  daily  commis 
sion  of  crimes,  notwithstanding  these  punishments. 

"  Punishment  does  not  entirely  prevent  the  commis 
sion  of  crimes ;  therefore  it  does  not  prevent  them  at 
all ;  therefore  it  is  absurd,  inexpedient,  and  cruel.  Ex 
perience  therefore  has  settled  the  question.  But  even 
*  See  ««  New  View  of  Society." — ED. 


24  THE   MAN   MACHINE. 

if"  this  were  not  the  case,  analogy  would  be  decisive  on 
the  subject.  It  is  the  opinion  of  some  of  the  best  phi 
losophers  that  mankind  originally  derived  all  their 
knowledge  and  a  great  portion  of  their  virtues  from  the 
example  of  the  beasts  of  the  field  ;  and  certainly  this  is 
a  much  better  foundation  than  the  erroneous  system  of 
education  which  has  been  pursued  for  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years,  and  which,  by  gradually  substituting  the  pre 
cepts  of  blockheads  for  the  examples  of  nature,  hath 
brought  ruin  upon  a  thousand  generations.  Look  round 
then  upon  all  nature,  and  see  what  her  unsophisticated 
votaries  practise.  Is  the  eagle  punished  by  the  rest 
of  his  tribe  for  robbin'g  the  fish-hawk  of  the  prey  he  has 
attained  by  long  and  laborious  watchfulness  ?  Is  the 
rat  or  the  weasel  clapped  up  in  his  hole  for  the  better  part 
of  his  life  by  a  jury  of  rats  or  weasels  for  making 
inroads  upon  a  cheese,  or  robbing  a  hen-roost  that  did 
not  belong  to  him  ?  Is  the  tiger  hung  in  chains  by  his 
self-styled  rulers,  for  tearing  a  lamb  to  pieces  ?  Or  is 
the  lordly  lion  shut  out  from  the  light  of  heaven,  and  fed 
on  bread  and  water,  because  he  follows  the  instinct  of 
nature  in  hunting  down  and  devouring  the  weaker  ani 
mals  ?  No,  my  dear  Men  Machines,  the  wise  animals 
of  the  forest  are  too  reasonable  to  punish  their  fellows 
for  doing  what  nature,  habit,  example,  and  education 
have  made  it  impossible  they  should  not  do. 

"  Extend  the  analogy  through  all  creation,  and  you 
will  find  man  alone  arrogating  to  himself  the  prerogative 
of  punishing  his  fellow-creatures  for  the  absurd  purpose 
of  preventing  crime.  And  what  has  been  the  conse 
quence  ?  Beyond  doubt,  mankind  are  absolutely  al 
lured  into  the  commission  of  crimes  by  the  very  terror 
of  punishment,  in  the  same  manner  that  birds  are  inevi 
tably  drawn  into  the  jaws  of  the  serpent  from  the  actual 
fascination  of  terror. 

"  Besides  this,  it  is  demonstrable,  that  criminal  laws, 
instead  of  preventing,  create  crime,  by  making  that 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  25 

criminal  which  was  before  innocent.  I  recollect  hear 
ing  an  observation  made  by  an  innocent  man  who  had 
been  forced  into  the  commission  of  murder,  by  the  erro 
neous  system  of  education  pursued  for  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years,  which  made  a  great  impression  upon  me,  and 
gave  the  first  hint  of  my  New  View  of  Society.*  '  Alas  !' 
said  the  unfortunate,  or,  as  the  vulgar  say,  guilty  man — 
*  alas  !  what  an  unlucky  being  am  I !  If  society  had 
not  thought  proper  to  punish  murder,  I  might  have 
passed  for  an  innocent  man.'  By  following  this  train 
of  reasoning  we  shall  find  that  the  sole  use  of  criminal 
law  is  to  create  criminals,  who  are  only  so  because  the 
law  capriciously  inflicts  punishments  upon  certain  acts 
which  would  otherwise  be  perfectly  innocent. 

"  The  error  of  these  wise  lawgivers  is  in  mistaking 
the  real  object  and  end  of  all  laws.  They  have  been 
pleased  to  suppose,  that  laws  are  intended  as  restraints 
upon  the  extravagant  impulses  of  the  PASSIONS,  those 
phantoms  which,  like  all  other  phantoms,  had  their  origin 
in  the  ignorance  and  bigotry  of  mankind,  and  which  I 
have  altogether  excluded  from  my  New  View  of  So 
ciety.  Now  if  religion  and  morality  cannot  prevent 
men  from  committing  crimes,  what  is  the  use  of  religion 
and  morality,  or  what  is  the  use  of  laws  to  prop  up  such 
a  patchwork  system  ?  If  one  cannot  answer  the  end,  all 
three  together  cannot  do  it.  If  religious  and  moral  im 
pressions  cannot  restrain  mankind  from  the  commission 
of  crime,  then  the  laws  will  not  do  it.  If  the  stings  of 
conscience  and  the  fear  of  eternal  punishment  are  insuf 
ficient  ;  then  the  fear  of  temporal  punishment  must  be 
equally  so — therefore  law  and  religion  are  entirely  use 
less  in  the  world,  and  therefore  I  have  banished  them 
entirely  from  my  New  View  of  Society.  In  fine,  my 
dear  young  pupils,  be  assured  that  crimes  will  never 
cease  in  this  world  till  all  punishments  are  abolished, 


*  Another  singular  coincidence  ! — ED. 
3  B 


26  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

and  mankind  taught  virtue  by  means  of  an  inveterate 
habit ;  by  certain  fixed  and  inflexible  rules,  inherent,  as 
it  were,  in  the  Man  Machine,  like  the  laws  of  motion 
which  govern  the  spinning-jenny,  and  from  which  it 
cannot  depart,  without  a  dissolution  of  its  parts,  equiva 
lent  to  the  cessation  of  motion  called  death  in  the  Man 
Machine. 

"  Yes,  my  dear  pupils,  nothing  is  wanting  to  restrain 
these  crying  evils,  and  repair  as  far  as  possible  the  mise 
ries  inflicted  on  the  Man  Machine  for  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years,  by  an  absurd  and  erroneous  system  of  edu 
cation,  than  an  habitual,  invariable,  and  inflexible  adhe 
rence  to  the  sublime  maxim,  that  self-love,  properly  un 
derstood  and  uniformly  practised,  is  the  basis  of  all  vir 
tue,  as  well  as  happiness,  in  the  social  state.*  Instead 
of  burthening  you  with  abstract  principles  of  right  and 
wrong,  which  have  no  other  effect  than  to  confound  all 
distinctions  between  virtue  and  vice,  I  shall  merely  ad 
vise  you,  whenever  you  have  any  doubt  on  the  subject, 
to  consult  your  self-love,  that  is  to  say,  in  other  words, 
inquire  what  course  will  best  conduce  to  your  own  indi 
vidual  happiness,  and  depend  upon  it,  that  will  point  un 
erringly  to  the  happiness  of  society.  I  will  now  dismiss 
you,  the  elder  to  the  instructive  lessons  of  the  steam 
engine  and  the  spinning-jenny ;  the  younger  to  the 
play-ground,  where  they  will  be  taught  all  the  duties  of 
self-love  at  leap-frog  and  jackstones.  Take  notice, 
however,  I  prohibit  you  all  from  playing  at  push-pin,  a 
game  which,  by  giving  rise  to  mischievous  ideas  of  indi 
vidual  property,  may  justly  be  denominated  the  root  of 
all  evil." 

Unfortunately  I  was  too  old  to  be  permitted  to  learn 
all  my  social  duties  in  the  play-ground,  so  I  was  dis 
missed  to  the  spinning- jenny  for  a  lesson.  Here,  as 


*  Here  again  the  author  of  the  "  New  View"  has  borrowed 
from  the  Wise  Men. — ED. 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  27 

before,  I  worked  so  many  hours  in  the  day  for  the  bene 
fit  of  productive  labour,  and  the  honour  of  the  New 
View  of  Society,  that  I  had  little  leisure,  and  less  in 
clination,  to  trouble  myself  with  nice  distinctions  between 
the  social  and  moral  duties.  Indeed  I  considered  them 
as  of  little  consequence  to  the  Man  Machine,  recollect 
ing  that  nothing  but  self-love,  properly  regulated,  was 
necessary  to  the  most  perfect  virtue  and  happiness. 
Now  I  had  as  much  self-love  as  most  people,  and  as 
my  master  had  laid  it  down  as  the  so  very  excellent  a 
thing,  I  thought,  as  a  matter  of  course,  the  more  I  had, 
and  the  more  I  indulged  it,  the  better  for  myself  and 
the  world.  I  soon  found,  however,  there  was  little  or 
no  room  for  cultivating  and  indulging  this  excellent  fun 
damental  principle  of  happiness.  I  had  a  natural  in 
clination  for  good  eating,  and  my  self-love  was  always 
particularly  gratified  by  playing  with  children  somewhat 
smaller  than  myself,  over  whom  I  could  exercise  a  rea 
sonable  degree  of  influence  and  authority.  This  pro 
pensity  to  ambition  was,  however,  carefully  checked 
during  the  play  hours,  when  we  were  superintended  by 
certain  worthy  old  ladies,  who  taught  us  that  the  only 
ambition  compatible  with  a  well-regulated  self-love,  and 
the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine,  was  that  of  la 
bouring  most  advantageously  for  our  master.  As  this 
was  a  community  of  which  the  most  perfect  equality  was 
to  be  the  basis,  it  would  be  highly  improper,  they  said, 
to  attempt  any  undue  exercise  of  talents  or  energy.  It 
would  be  only  generating  envy,  jealousy,  and  all  those 
passions  which  had  been  the  bane  of  society  ever  since 
the  serpent  seduced  Eve  with  the  temptation  of  superior 
knowledge. 

As  the  whole  system  of  our  master  proceeded  upon 
the  assumption  that  the  Man  Machine  was  as  much 
without  passions  as  a  steam  engine,  and  that  they  were 
generated  in  him  by  the  abominable  mode  of  education 
inflicted  upon  each  succeeding  race,  for  the  last  six 
B2 


28  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

thousand  years,  he  organized  the  system  accordingly. 
All  the  children,  being  of  course  born  without  passions 
or  desires,  it  was  his  opinion  that  it  was  only  necessary 
to  tell  them  to  do  right,  and  they  would  do  it,  of  course. 
We  were  accordingly  very  seriously  told,  what  all  chil 
dren,  so  far  as  I  know,  have  been  told  from  the  creation 
of  the  world,  "  that  we  were  never  to  injure  our  play 
fellows,  but  on  the  contrary  to  contribute  all  in  our 
power  to  make  them  happy."  "  This  principle,"  would 
our  master  say,  with  infinite  self-complacency — "  this 
principle,  this  simple  precept,  when  properly  compre 
hended,  if  no  COUNTERACTING  PRINCIPLES  Oppose  its 

influence,  will  effectually  supersede  all  the  errors  which 
have  hitherto  kept  the  world  in  ignorance  and  misery."* 

But  these  "  counteracting  principles"  as  our  master 
called  them,  and  which  I  suspect  were  nothing  more  than 
those  passions  which  are  supposed  by  some  ignorant 
people  to  be  implanted  in  human  nature,  were  always 
getting  between  his  legs,  as  it  were,  and  tripping  up  his 
theory.  Emulation  was  continually  peeping  forth,  in 
one  wicked  little  rogue  outrunning  another,  and  thus 
mortifying  his  feelings.  In  wrestling,  the  stronger  ma 
chine  was  very  apt  to  impose  upon  the  weaker,  by 
throwing  it  down  with  as  little  ceremony  as  possible. 
At  leap-frog,  a  mischievous  urchin  would  sometimes 
designedly  bump  a  little  fellow  down  on  his  nose, 
by  not  leaping  high  enough.  In  short,  these  "  coun 
teracting  principles"  were  so  troublesome  and  incon 
venient,  that  my  master  more  than  once  wished  them 

fairly  at  the  d 1,  they  stood  so  in  the  way  of  the 

perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine. 

My  master  was  indeed  sometimes  highly  provoked 
at  these  "  counteracting  principles,"  thus  eternally  thrust 
ing  their  noses  into  his  plan  of  perfectibility.  It  puz 
zled  him  confoundedly  to  find  where  his  theory  was  out 

*  See  "  New  View  of  Society"  for  similar  doctrines. — ED. 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  20 

at  the  elbows.  At  last  he  discovered  that  his  children 
were  not  young  enough  to  give  his  system  a  fair  chance. 
It  was  his  opinion  that  children  received  those  impres 
sions  which  give  a  decided  direction  to  their  future  char 
acter,  almost  the  moment  they  are  born.  Nay,  he 
went  still  further,  and  maintained,  with  great  appearance 
of  reason,  that  they  took  special  notice  of  every  thing 
that  happened  at  the  time,  he  himself  recollecting  per 
fectly  well  being  very  much  alarmed  when  the  nurse 
first  took  him  in  her  arms,  lest  she  should  let  him  fall 
on  the  floor. 

Accordingly  he  determined  to  go  to  the  fountain-head, 
by  introducing  into  the  establishment  the  institution  of 
matrimony,  and  having  the  children  begotten  to  his 
hands.  "  I  shall  take  them  ab  ouo,"  said  he,  a  phrase 
of  which  I  have  since  learned  the  meaning,  although  at 
that  time  I  did  not  exactly  comprehend  it.  The  first 
born  of  this  new  and  perfect  race  in  perspective  was  a 
little  boy,  who,  from  the  moment  of  his  birth,  was  allowed 
to  hear  nothing  but  the  repetition  of  the  great  precept, 
not  to  harm  his  play-fellows,  but  to  do  all  in  his  power 
to  make  them  happy.  At  three  years  old  he  was 
launched  into  the  play-ground,  and  made  his  debut  by 
biting  the  finger  of  one  of  the  matrons  who  presided 
over  our  sports,  and  who  attempted  forcibly  to  keep  him 
from  indulging  the  instinct  of  the  Man  Machine  for 
dabbling  in  a  mud-puddle.  Our  master  cast  about  for 
the  "counteracting  principle"  that  had  produced  this 
enormity,  that  he  might  give  it  a  sound  drubbing,  and  to 
his  great  satisfaction  discovered  it  in  a  habit  which  the 
mother  had  a  long  time  indulged,  of  biting  her  nails. 
This  practice  was  strictly  forbidden  ;  but,  as  one  of  the 
fundamental  principles  of  my  master  was,  that  no  pun 
ishments  were  necessary  to  keep  the  Man  Machine  in 
order  any  more  than  the  steam  engine,  nobody  minded 
the  prohibition,  and  the  women  bit  their  nails,  as  usual, 
when  vexed  or  perplexed.  Notwithstanding  the  all- 


30  THE   MAN   MACHINE* 

powerful  precept  which  lies  at  the  root  of  the  perfect 
ibility  of  the  Man  Machine,  and  which  was  not  spared 
upon  the  little  biting  boy,  there  was  some  "counteracting 
principle"  which  certainly  baffled  detection,  or  at  least 
opposition.  By  the  time  he  was  twelve  years  old  the 
machine  became  so  completely  out  of  order  that  my 
master  turned  him  out  of  the  establishment,  as  a  dis 
grace  to  his  theory. 

Still  the  plan  of  inculcating  perfection  into  the  Man 
Machine,  by  play,  would  certainly  have  answered  the 
end  completely,  had  it  not  been  for  two  "  counteracting 
principles."  The  first  was  those  same  inconvenient 
products  of  that  erroneous  system  of  education  pursued 
for  the  last  six  thousand  years,  which  my  master  called 
circumstances,  and  which,  coming  perpetually  in  conflicl 
with  his  first  principles,  for  a  long  time  pretty  generally 
got  the  better,  and  routed  them  completely.  To  sub 
due  these  entirely,  or  to  direct  them  uniformly  to  the 
furtherance  of  that  self-love  which  is  the  source  of  all 
virtue  and  happiness,  was  found  rather  of  the  nature  of 
an  impossibility.  The  second  "counteracting  princi 
ple"  was,  that  the  little  pupils  of  the  play-ground,  by 
having  their  plays  always  prescribed  to  them,  and  by 
being  eternally  under  the  eyes  of  the  superintending 
matrons,  who  were  perpetually  telling  them  not  to  do 
this,  and  to  refrain  from  that — who  were  'in  fact  always 
standing  over  them,  repressing  their,  gambols,  directing 
their  sports,  and  restraining  entirely  the  free  will  of  the 
Man  Machine,  became  at  last  entirely  indifferent,  or 
rather  frequently  declined  going  out  to  play.  When 
they  did,  they  preferred  sitting  quietly  still,  rather  than 
be  perpetually  restrained,  lectured,  advised,  and  dosed 
with  the  eternal  repetition  of  the  grand  precept.  The 
consequence  was,  there  was  no  room  for  the  practical 
exemplification  of  the  virtues  of  the  system,  at  play. 
For  my  part,  although  I  was  principally  confined  to  the 
spinning-jenny  for  instruction,  I  freely  confess  that, 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  31 

such  was  the  weariness  of  mind  and  lassitude  of  body 
produced  by  this  mode  of  eternal  supervision  over  our 
hours  of  relaxation,  that  it  became  a  task  at  last  from 
which  I  was  glad  to  escape,  by  sleeping  away  my  play- 
hours.  But  notwithstanding  all  these  discouragements, 
the  practicability  of  the  system  ere  long  began  to  be 
fully  exemplified.  There  was  one  little  machine  that 
was  at  last  brought,  if  not  quite,  very  nearly  to  perfec 
tion.  Owing  to  the  absence  of  those  "  counteracting 
principles"  which  played  the  deuse  with  most  of  the 
pupils,  this  little  machine  at  last  became  so  completely 
regulated,  that  my  master  pronounced  it  almost  as  per 
fect  as  the  machinery  of  a  cotton-mill.  If  he  had  a 
task  to  do,  he  was  sure  to  do  it  exactly,  and  no  more. 
If  he  was  told  to  go  to  a  certain  place,  he  could  no 
more  be  brought  to  go  a  step  farther  than  a  horse  in  a 
mill,  or  a  turnspit  at  the  jack.  He  never  discovered 
any  disposition  to  excel  his  companions  in  their  sports 
or  their  exercises — never  did  any  thing  but  what  he  wau 
told — never  committed  an  offence — never  resented  an 
affront — but  always  appealed  to  the  golden  rule.  In 
short,  he  seemed  happily  free  from  the  operation  of  those 
mischievous  "  counteracting  principles"  erroneously 
called  the  passions.  If  my  master  could  only  have 
made  us  all  exactly  like  him,  we  should  have  repre 
sented  the  millennium.  But  unfortunately  there  were 
as  yet  too  many  "  counteracting  principles"  among  us  to 
admit  of  universal  "  HARMONY,"  and  the  perfect  Man 
Machine  fared  but  indifferently.  He  was  a  sort  of  butt, 
and  instead  of  righting  his  own  wrongs,  always  carried 
his  complaints  to  the  matrons.  This  got  him  the  name 
of  tell-tale,  and  the  ill-will  of  his  fellows.  My  master 
considered  him  as  a  living  evidence  of  the  triumph  of 
his  system,  and  at  length,  when  he  grew  up,  made  him 
one  of  his  "  committee  of  management"  or  supreme 
junta.  In  the  course  of  his  performance  of  the  duties 
of  this  new  station,  he  one  day  had  occasion  to  walk  to 


3S  THE  MAN  MACHINE. 

a  neighbouring  town,  on  his  way  to  which  he  met  a 
wagon,  and  not  having  my  master,  or  one  of  the  ma 
trons,  to  tell  him  what  to  do,  suffered  it  to  walk  right 
over  him,  while  he  was  considering  the  matter.  He 
was  the  first  perfect  Man  Machine  I  ever  saw,  and  my 
master  ever  afterward  held  him  up  as  an  example. 

I  had  now  reached  the  age  of  eighteen ;  but  I  must 
confess  that  my  machinery  was  not  a  little  out  of  order. 
The  perpetual  routine  of  the  same  employments — the 
want  of  those  excitements,  or  rather  a  field  where  the 
excitements  of  emulation,  ambition,  desire  of  riches  and 
distinction  might  bestir  themselves,  became  at  first  irk 
some,  then  stupifying.  My  faculties  sank  into  a  be 
numbing  apathy  for  want  of  exercise — and  my  personal 
activity  expired  under  the  drudgery  of  the  same  daily 
task,  neither  more  nor  less,  that  I  had  to  perform  as  my 
contribution  to  the  state  of  perfectibility.  Still  I  was  fully 
persuaded  that  the  system  was  practicable,  and  that  its 
operation  would  certainly  produce  the  perfection  of  the 
Man  Machine,  were  it  not  for  the  unlucky  force  of  those 
"  counteracting  principles"  which  beset  it  on  every  side. 
Nothing,  I  was  convinced,  but  those  vile  passions  which 
are  not  natural,  but  absolutely  forced  upon  us  by  a  pre 
posterous  system  of  education  for  six  thousand  years 
past,  could  possibly  prevent  its  ultimate  and  final  con 
summation  in  the  perfection  of  the  Man  Machine. 

But  unfortunately  these  impertinent  and  troublesome 
passions  are  always  nestling  about  one's  heart,  and  play 
ing  the  most  intolerable  pranks  with  our  machinery.  In 
process  of  time  there  grew  up  some  young  girls  in  our 
establishment,  and  I  was  moved  with  a  desire  to  marry. 
There  was,  it  is  true,  the  most  perfect  equality  reigning 
among  us,  together  with  a  perfect  community  of  inter 
ests.  But  it  unluckily  happened,  that  owing  to  some 
"  counteracting  principle"  or  other,  the  machinery  of 
some  of  these  damsels  was  better  constructed,  more 
highly  finished,  and  somewhat  more  sightly  than  that  of 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  33 

others.  There  was  one  especially  who  was  so  superior 
to  the  rest  that  she  played  the  mischief  with  my  mas 
ter's  system  of  equality.  All  the  young  fellows  were 
anxious  to  marry  her ;  and  as  there  was  no  community 
of  goods  allowed  here,  my  master's  old  enemies,  the 
"  counteracting  principles,"  began  to  bestir  themselves 
with  great  activity.  In  vain  he  represented  to  us  that 
it  was  only  the  mischievous  influence  of  these  vil 
lains  that  made  us  think  one  woman  better  than  an 
other — that  it  was  their  equally  villanous  coadjutors, 
the  five  senses,  and  the  rest  of  the  gang  of  countervail 
ing  circumstances,  that  assisted  in  leading  us  to  the 
preposterous  conclusion,  that  it  was  necessary  to  our 
happiness  we  should  marry  this  pretty  girl.  All  would 
not  do — we  quarrelled  about  it — fought  about  it — and 
the  machinery  of  the  whole  establishment  was  at  times 
thrown  into  great  confusion. 

My  master's  indefatigable  enemies,  the  "  counteract 
ing  principles,"  were  in  fact  continually  at  work,  throw 
ing  stumbling-blocks  in  the  way  of  our  perfectibility,  and 
going  about  like  roaring  lions  among  us.  It  was  enough 
to  provoke  a  saint  to  see  how  they  succeeded  for  a 
time  in  thwarting  the  success  of  my  master's  plans  for 
the  harmony  of  the  universe.  The  great  difficulty  was 
to  produce  that  perfect  state  of  equality  which  would 
preclude  all  possibility  of  one  machine  envying  another. 
Now  it  happened  unfortunately  that  this  perfect  equality, 
and  this  perfect  community  of  goods,  which  were  both 
so  essential  to  the  perfection  of  the  system,  proved  for 
a  long  time  very  difficult  to  preserve.  The  least  breath 
ripples  even  the  stagnant  pool,  and  renders  the  surface 
unequal,  and  the  least  "  circumstance"  was  sufficient 
to  create  jealousies  and  rivalships  among  us,  until  by 
degrees  we  quietly  sank  into  a  calm  acquiescence  to 
the  will  of  the  committee  of  management,  and  acquired 
a  habit  of  perfect  submission,  which  is  one  of  the  prin 
cipal  ingredients  in  the  pure  state  of  perfectibility, 
B3 


34  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

It  was  thus  in  our  community.  Although  their  rights 
and  their  duties  were  all  equal — and  all  equally  shared 
in  the  common  fund  in  proportion  to  their  labours  ;  still, 
as  those  who  had  laboured  in  the  community  ten  years, 
had  of  course  twice  the  stake  in  the  common  fund  of 
those  who  had  only  laboured  five,  this  single  counteract 
ing  circumstance  produced  a  broad  and  palpable  in 
equality.  Accordingly,  a  lady  whose  husband  had  twice 
the  claim  on  the  great  fund  did  not  fail  to  look  down  on 
one  who  had  not  a  claim  to  half  as  much.  She  valued 
herself  on  her  fortune,  just  as  if  it  had  been  in  her  own 
possession  ;  and  for  aught  I  could  see,  the  passions  en 
gendered  by  this  species  of  inequality  were  precisely 
those  of  the  world  in  the  degraded  state  it  has  been 
brought  to  by  the  "  erroneous  training"*  of  the  last 
six  thousand  years.  Nay,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  they 
seemed  far  more  bitter  and  malignant  from  the  parties 
being  continually,  as  it  were,  under  the  same  roofT  and 
brought  together  many  times  a  day,  every  day  of  their 
lives.  But  even  if  this  provoking  inequality  had  not 
existed,  there  were  other  "  counteracting  principles" 
which  assailed  the  Man  Machine  from  different  quarters, 
and  occasionally  put  it  out  of  order. 

It  sometimes  happened  that  one  member  of  the  com 
munity,  by  the  regularity  of  his  machine,  and  by  being 
perhaps  less  beset  by  those  intolerable  rascals  the 
**  counteracting  principles,"  would  by  a  course  of  con 
duct  as  regular  as  clock-work  entitle  himself  to  the  spe 
cial  notice  and  rewards  of  our  master.  This  approach 
to  perfectibility  in  the  Man  Machine,  instead  of  operating 
as  an  example  and  stimulus  to  others,  as  it  would  have 
done  but  for  the  "  counteracting  principles,"  produced 
only  disorder.  Everybody  was  jealous  of  the  unfortu 
nate  Man  Machine  who  had  approached  so  much  nearer 

*  The  author  of  the  "  New  View"  has  borrowed  this  phrase. 
—ED. 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  35 

to  perfectibility  than  themselves — instead  of  imitating, 
they  envied  him,  not  his  perfectibility,  but  the  particular 
honours  and  rewards  he  acquired.  To  be  sure,  it  is 
just  so  in  the  world,  where  the  "  counteracting  princi 
ples"  go  about  like  roaring  lions ;  but  it  ought  not  to 
have  been  so  in  our  new  state  of  society  ;  and  that  it  was 
so  is  to  me  quite  unaccountable. 

I  speak  from  my  own  experience.  My  ambition, 
which  I  take  to  be  one  of  the  "  counteracting  principles," 
at  length  prompted  me  to  put  my  machinery  in  order, 
and  make  a  dash  at  perfectibility,  that  I  might  obtain 
the  particular  notice  of  master,  and  perhaps  something 
more  substantial.  I  succeeded,  and  became  the  most 
miserable  dog  in  the  community.  I  had  upset  the 
beautiful  system  of  equality  upon  which  the  whole  estab 
lishment  rested  ;  I  was  no  longer  their  equal,  and  they 
began  to  envy,  of  course  to  hate  me,  by  the  mere  force 
of  the  "  counteracting  circumstances."  To  make  my 
peace  with  these  pragmatical  machines,  and  to  restore 
the  equilibrium  of  the  society,  1  was  actually  obliged  to 
backslide  a  little,  in  order  to  bring  myself  down  to  the 
dead  level  of  perfectibility.  Thus  I  found,  to  my  great 
mortification,  that  individual  perfectibility  was  incom 
patible  with  the  perfectibility  of  the  whole,  and  that  the 
only  way  to  preserve  "  HARMONY"  was  to  be  no  better 
than  other  people. 

The  rascally  "  counteracting  principles"  received  aid 
and  assistance  from  other  sources,  besides  the  inequality 
of  wealth  and  the  different  estimation  in  which  different 
persons  were  held  by  the  society  at  large,  and  especially 
by  our  master.  Some  of  the  married  women  had  prettier 
children  than  others — and  this  was  a  source  of  inequal 
ity.  Some  were  without  any  children  at  all,  and  sorely 
envied  their  more  happy  next-door  neighbours,  whose 
pretty  little  curly-pated  machines  were  playing  them 
selves  into  perfectibility  on  the  lawn  before  their  doors. 
On  the  other  hand,  some  of  the  men  had  better,  younger, 


36  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

or  prettier  wives  than  others,  who  not  being  specially 
instructed  in  such  matters,  did  frequently  break  the  tenth 
commandment.  My  master  was,  in  truth,  for  a  long 
while,  the  victim  of"  counteracting  circumstances  ;"  he  at 
one  time,  as  1  have  heard,  had  serious  thoughts  of  cutting 
off  all  the  women's  noses,  to  bring  them  to  a  level,  and 
so  organizing  his  men  and  women  machines  by  the  mere 
force  of  education,  as  that  they  should  conform  to  the 
law  of  nature  which  ordains,  that  every  bird  shall  lay 
only  so  many  eggs  within  a  certain  period.  He  had  no 
doubt  of  bringing  this  about  if  he  could  only  begin  ab 
oro,  and  dodge  his  old  enemies  the  "  counteracting  cir 
cumstances." 

But  he  was  for  some  time  deterred  from  this  plan  by 
the  astounding  objection,  that  though  he  might  regulate 
the  number  of  children,  it  would  be  difficult,  if  not  im 
possible,  to  regulate  their  looks,  and  prevent  one  from 
being  handsomer  than  another.  He  had  no  doubt  that 
nature  produced  none  of  these  ridiculous  inconsistencies, 
but  that  they  were  the  offspring  of  that  diabolical  system 
of  education  under  which  mankind  had  groaned  for  the 
last  six  thousand  years.  "  Some  pigs,"  quoth  he,  "  are, 
it  is  true,  handsomer  than  others — but  then  the  pig  is 
sophisticated  by  associating  with  man,  and  suffering 
under  the  influence  of  the  counteracting  circumstances. 
Doubtless  all  young  wild  boars  are  perfectly  equal  in  a 
state  of  nature.  I  will  inquire  into  these  matters."  His 
inquiries  ended,  I  imagine,  in  conviction,  for  he  at 
tempted  some  reforms  in  these  matters  :  which  caused 
so  much  dissatisfaction  among  our  women,  that  they 
came  near  seceding  in  a  body,  and  thus  putting  an  end 
to  all  prospect  of  the  perfectibility  of  mankind.  My 
master  accordingly  gave  up  the  point,  satisfied  that 
though  he  might  regulate  the  Man  Machine  to  some 
little  purpose,  the  Woman  Machine  was  too  much  under 
the  influence  of  the  "  counteracting  principles"  ever  to 
become  perfect  without  an  entire  new  organization. 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  37 

Scarcely  had  this  danger  blown  over  when  a  dispute 
occurred,  which  again  threatened  the  destruction  of  our 
"  HARMONY"  and  the  prospective  perfectibility  of  man 
kind.  This  affair  unfortunately  originated  in  too  near 
an  approach  to  the  perfect  system  of  equality  contem 
plated  by  my  master.  There  were  two  married  women 
living  in  opposite  sides  of  the  square  which  formed  our 
village,  whose  circumstances,  situation,  husbands,  chil 
dren,  characters,  and  persons  were  so  singularly  equal 
in  all  respects,  that  they  hated  each  other  mortally,  for 
no  other  reason  that  I  could  ever  learn  than  because  their 
pretensions  were  so  equally  balanced  that  the  rest  of  the 
community  could  never  agree  as  to  which  was  entitled 
to  be  considered  the  most  happy.  What  was  still  more 
provoking,  as  there  were  no  reasonable  grounds  of  quar 
rel  between  them,  and  nothing  to  complain  of,  they  were 
obliged  to  take  it  out  in  civil  speeches.  In  this  state  of 
affairs,  one  of  them  luckily  discovered  that  her  best  room 
fronted  north,  while  that  of  her  rival  looked  to  the  south, 
and  consequently  monopolized  all  her  sunshine  great  part 
of  the  year.  Here  was  a  manifest  hole  in  the  elbows 
of  my  master's  great  system  of  equality.  There  was 
no  dividing  the  sunshine  equally  among  mankind. 
He  might  have  altered  his  village  so  as  to  make 
the  whole  of  it  front  south  :  but  his  whole  system  so 
completely  hung  on  the  shape  of  his  village,  that  it 
would  have  fallen  to  the  ground  on  the  least  hint  of  an 
alteration.  He  was  horribly  puzzled  by  this  counter 
acting  circumstance. 

In  the  mean  time  a  northern  and  southern  interest 
sprang  up  among  us,  such  as  prevails  in  some  countries, 
and  founded  upon  equally  important  differences.  The 
lady  of  the  north  front  had  her  faction,  which'held  firmly 
to  the  principle,  that  there  was  a  manifest  partiality  in 
favour  of  the  lady  of  the  south  front ;  while  the  lady  of 
the  south  front  had  also  her  friends,  who  swore  roundly 
that  they  could  perceive  a  leaning  in  favour  of  her  of  the 
4 


33  THE   MAN    MACHINE. 

north.  Each  had  her  party,  whose  clamour  was  exactly 
loud  in  proportion  to  the  insignificance  of  the  occasion, 
the  few  causes  of  excitement  among  us,  and  the  narrow 
sphere  in  which  they  were  exercised.  In  short,  there 
was  the  deuse  to  pay  among  the  Men  Machines,  the 
Women  Machines,  the  first  principles,  and  the  "  coun 
teracting  circumstances,"  which  all  pulled  different  ways, 
so  that  my  master  hardly  knew  which  way  to  turn  him 
self  to  get  rid  of  these  implacable  enemies.  He  was 
inclined  to  suspect  at  one  time  that  it  might  be  possible 
to  shave  the  chin  of  equality  so  close  as  actually  to 
draw  blood  from  the  patient,  who,  though  his  beard  might 
be  all  of  equal  length,  might  be  himself  in  a  humour  to 
knock  him  down.  But  he  was  not  a  man  to  knock 
under  to  "  counteracting  circumstances"  nor  any  such 
saucy  fellows  while  there  was  the  remotest  prospect, 
to  use  his  own  words,  "  of  making  one  woman  to 
do  the  work  of  twenty,"*  "  of  improving  man  as  an  in 
strument  of  labour,"|  "  and  training  him  so  as  to  pro 
duce  a  large  increase  of  pecuniary  gain,"  "  a  return  not 
less  than  fifty  per  cent.,"J  on  all  the  investments  and 
expenditures  for  the  improvement  of  the  Man  Machine. 
But  these  pestilent  villains,  the  "  counteracting  cir 
cumstances,"  were  not  so  easily  managed  as  might  be 
expected.  They  had  in  the  long  period  of  six  thousand 
years,  in  which  the  Man  Machine  has  been  de 
bauched  and  corrupted  by  education,  insomuch  that  it  is 
a  thousand  miracles  that  his  machinery  is  not  irretrieva 
bly  out  of  order — I  say,  they  had  acquired  such  power, 
and  withal  such  a  thorough  knowledge  of  the  Man  Ma 
chine,  that  as  fast  as  they  were  driven  out  of  one  door 
they  popped  in  at  another.  Nay,  if  the  doors  were  all 
shut  they  climbed  in  at  the  window,  and  if  there  was  no 
window,  they  managed  to  squeeze  themselves  through 


*  See  "  New  View  of  Society"  for  similar  expressions. — ED. 
t  Ibid.  t  Ibid. 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  SO 

the  keyhole.  Thus  in  the  case  of  the  two  ladies  of  the 
northern  and  southern  exposure ;  my  master  had  no 
sooner  quieted  the  two  factions  by  demonstrating  that  to 
be  out  of  the  sun  in  summer  was  equal  to  being  in  it  in 
winter,  when  the  "counteracting  circumstances,"  like 
vile  traitors,  as  they  were,  changed  sides  before  you 
could  say  Jack  Robinson,  and  the  Men  Machines  forth 
with  fell  into  a  great  quarrel  about  which  party  would 
have  been  in  the  right,  provided  the  case  had  stood  as 
they  originally  apprehended.  As  to  the  two  ladies,  they 
hated  each  other  worse  than  ever  when  they  found  my 
master  had  decided  there  was  not  atoss  up  of  a  copper 
between  them.  "  Marry  come  up,  my  dirty  cousin," 
exclaimed  each  of  the  other — "  I  should  be  very  sorry 
if  I  was  no  better  than  I  should  be." 

But  I  have  not  come  to  the  worst  yet.  Not  only  the 
wicked  "  counteracting  principles"  played  pranks  with 
my  master,  but  it  sometimes  unluckily  happened  that 
his  own  principles  would  turn  upon  him,  and  show  their 
teeth  terribly.  For  example,  it  was  easy  to  comprehend 
the  simple  principle  of  self-love,  which,  as  I  have  said, 
constituted  the  greatprimum  mobile  of  the  Man  Machine, 
according  to  my  master's  theory.  But  to  apply  it  suc 
cessfully  to  the  attainment  of  the  great  end  of  perfectibi 
lity  was  a  different  affair.  When  the  good  man  talked  to 
them  aboutthe  absolute  necessity  of  attending  exclusively 
"  to  the  happiness  of  self"*  as  the  only  means  of  pro 
moting  the  happiness  of  the  community,  they  were  ex 
tremely  apt  to  comprehend  this  as  not  only  a  permis 
sion,  but  an  exhortation,  to  follow  the  bent  of  their  pas 
sions  and  appetites,  or,  in  other  words,  the  "  counteract 
ing  principles,"  without  any  regard  to  the  happiness  of 
others,  taking  for  granted  that  would  come  as  a  matter 
of  course.  My  master  in  vain  attempted  to  set  the 
Man  Machine  going  according  to  the  nice  adjustment 

.    *  See  "  New  View  of  Society.,"  p.  18,  for  similar  doctrines. 


40  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

of  the  self-love  and  social  principles.  The  one  was 
perpetually  getting  the  better  of  the  other,  being  a  hot 
headed,  self-willed  rascal,  and  withal  a  great  bully  ; 
while  the  other  had  hardly  a  word  to  say  for  itself.  It 
was  in  vain  to  threaten  an  appeal  to  the  laws,  for  as 
there  was  to  be  no  crimes  in  our  community,  there  was 
no  necessity  for  restraints  or  punishments. 

I  will  give  an  example  here  of  the  terrible  blunders 
some  of  us  made  in  the  application  of  this  grand  funda 
mental  principle  of  my  master,  whose  whole  system,  I 
am  convinced,  was  perfect,  except  that  it  was  not  cal 
culated  for  the  particular  kind  of  Men  Machines  he  had 
to  do  with.  These  have  been  so  bedeviled  by  the  hor 
rible  system  of  education  pursued  for  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years,  that  I  question  whether  it  will  not  take  at 
least  six  thousand  years  more  to  put  their  machinery  in 
perfect  order.  But  to  my  example. 

There  was  among  us  a  wild,  sprightly  Man  Machine, 
which,  owing  to  being,  as  it  were,  under  high  steam 
pressure,  was  continually  getting  into  the  claws  of  the 
"  counteracting  principles,"  and  making  sad  misapplica 
tions  of  my  master's  precepts.  It  was  next  to  impossi 
ble  to  bring  his  passions  and  appetites  under  the  domin 
ion  of  metaphysics,  or  to  instil  into  him  a  proper  com 
prehension  of  the  great  abstract  truth,  that  the  indul 
gence  of  our  self-love  consists  in  restraining  it.  One 
day  my  master  brought  him  up  before  us  all,  for  the 
purpose  of  lecturing  him  for  the  benefit  of  the  commu 
nity. 

"  Well,  Sandy,"  quoth  my  master,  mildly,  "  I  am 
afraid  I  shall  never  be  able  to  make  a  perfect  machine 
of  you." 

"  How  so,  sir  ?'  replied  Sandy. 

"  Why,  you  are  continually  violating  the  sublime  fun 
damental  principle  of  self-love." 

"  I  don't  know  how  that  can  be,  sir,  for  I  do  all  I 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  41 


'•. 


can  to  gratify  it,  as  you  have  convinced  me  it  is  my 
duty  to  do." 

"Yes,  but  you  did  not  properly  comprehend  me. 
The  self-love  I  mean  is  the  sacrifice  of  our  wishes  and 
desires  to  those  of  others — it  is,  in  fact,  the  absence  of 
all  self-love." 

"  Why  did  you  not  tell  us  so  at  first  ?"  said  Sandy, 
rather  sulkily — "  I  am  sure  I  should  never  have  thought 
that  it  was  possible  a  thing  could  be  exactly  what  it  is 
not." 

"  That  doubt  is  owing  to  the  imperfection  of  our  so 
phisticated  nature,  which  cannot  comprehend  the  sublime 
truth,  that  man  is  a  machine,  originally  constructed  with 
a  due  regard  to  the  two  great  moving  principles  of  mat 
ter,  the  centripetal  and  the  centrifugal  forces.  By  the 
first,  his  passions,  appetites,  wants,  wishes,  desires,  and 
gratifications  are  perpetually  urging  towards  the  centre, 
thus  exclusively  concentrating  in  his  own  individual 
gratification.  By  the  second,  a  continued  endeavour  is 
made  to  resist  and  overpower  the  first,  by  forcing  or 
attracting  the  passions  and  appetites  from  this  disposi 
tion  towards  the  centre,  or  self,  and  giving  them  a  wider 
and  more  beneficial  sphere  of  indulgence.  It  is  in  the 
proper  balancing  and  restraining  the  centripetal  force  of 
the  passions,  by  the  interposition  of  the  centrifugal,  that 
these,  the  gratification  of  which  is  the  grand  object  of 
self-love,  become  the  foundation  of  all  worldly  happiness, 
and  constitute  the  perfect  state  of  the  Man  Machine." 

This  confounding  of  matter  and  spirit,  and  jumbling 
together  the  ideas  of  mechanical,  physical,  and  moral 
action,  was  what  always  puzzled  us,  and  gave  an  air  of 
incomprehensibility  to  my  master's  theories.  The  Man 
Machine  Sandy,  was  at  first  either  convinced  or  con 
founded,  I  hardly  know  which ;  but  he  soon  rallied 
again,  and  to  say  the  truth,  I  sometimes  was  half- 
inclined  to  think  his  common  sense  pretty  nearly  put  my 
master  to  a  dead  halt. 


42  THE   MAN  MACHINE. 

';  "  You  have  exactly  hit  upon  my  case,  sir,  and  the  very 
difficulty  that  prevents  me  from  becoming  a  perfect  ma 
chine  in  the  shortest  time  possible.  Somehow  or  other 
I  can't  get  this  same  centrifugal  force,  my  master  talks 
of,  to  do  its  duty.  It  is  a  lazy,  lounging,  indifferent 
principle,  that  is  half  the  time  asleep  while  the  other  is 
as  busy  as  a  bee,  and  some  way  or  other  manages  to 
get  the  better  nine  times  in  ten.  My  good  wishes,  in 
stead  of  going  abroad  now  and  then,  as  they  should  do, 
are  almost  always  attracted  to  the  centre  by  that  rascally 
centripetal  gentleman  you  mentioned." 

*'  That  is  because  you  don't  suffer  my  fundamental 
principles  to  operate  upon  you  properly ;  and  wilfully 
resist  the  natural  and  inevitable  result  of  a  perfect  sys 
tem  of  education,  which  can  be  nothing  less  than  a  per- 
icct  state  of  the  Man  Machine." 

"  Indeed,  sir,  I  don't — I  try  all  I  can  to  love  myself 
in  the  proper  manner  ;  and  to  be  persuaded  that  perfec 
tion  is  as  easy  as  kiss  your  hand.  But  somehow  or 
other,  I  confess  I  do  love  Jenny  better  than  Kate — 
and  the  centripetal  principle  especially  moves  my  self- 
love  to  prefer  kissing  her  to  seeing  anybody  else  do  it." 

*'  Out  upon  you  !"  exclaimed  my  master — "  this  is  all 
owing  to  the  counteracting  principles." 

"  What  are  they,  sir  1  I  confess  I  never  could  fairly 
understand  them." 

"  Why — hem — why — ha — he — hum" — my  master 
appeared  a  little  puzzled  here — "  Why,  the  counteracting 
principles  are  a  sort  of — a  kind  of — stumbling-blocks, 
which  education,  habit,  and  bad  systems  have  thrown  in 
the  way  of  the  perfectibility  of  man.  In  short,  they  are 
what  I  call — circumstances." 

"  I  reckon  you  mean  the  wants,  desires,  and  passions 
of  us  Men  Machines,"  quoth  Sandy. 

"  And  I  reckon  you  are  a  great  blockhead !"  exclaimed 
my  master — -"  How  often  have  I  told  you  that  the  Man 
Machine  has  naturally  neither  wants,  desires,  nor  pas- 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  43 

SJOHS — They  are  the  product  of  that  erroneous  training 
which  has  produced  all  the  miseries  and  inconsistencies 
of  this  world." 

«*  What !  no  passions,  sir !" 

"  None — not  an  atom  more  than  a  piece  of  calves- 
foot  jelly." 

"  Why,  Lord  bless  you,  sir,  I  always  heard  say,  that 
if  we  had  no  passions,  desires,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing, 
we  should  be  without  any  motives  of  action  whatever." 

**  Pooh — self-love  would  keep  us  going." 

"  But  what  is  this  self-love,  sir  ?" 

"  A  bundle  of  circumstances,"  quoth  my  master. 

«*  I  reckon  it's  a  bundle  of  passions,"  quoth  Sandy. 

"  And  I  reckon  thou  art  a  confirmed,  incorrigible,  ir 
reclaimable  blockhead  of  a  Man  Machine,"  cried  my 

master,  in  a  great  passion — "  1  say,  sir,  may  the  d 1 

take  thee  for  a  sophisticated  idiot — I  affirm  that  man  is 
born  without  passions — that  there  are  no  such  scoundrels 
in  the  creation — that  they  are  nothing  but  circumstances 
— circumstances,  sir — counteracting  principles — coun 
teracting  principles,  sir — which  an  erroneous  system  of 
education  has  conjured  up  to  the  confusion  of  all  those 
who  labour  for  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine." 

Hereupon  my  master  seized  Sandy  by  the  shoulders, 
and  would  have  thrust  him  forth  from  the  community, 
had  he  not  offered  to  acknowledge  the  supremacy  of 
•'  circumstances,"  to  knock  under  to  the  "  counteract 
ing  principles,"  and  swear  there  were  no  such  villains 
as  the  passions  in  this  world. 

"  After  all,"  quoth  Sandy,  a  little  doggedly — «  after 
all,  thank  fortune,  I  am  not  answerable  either  for  my 
opinions  or  my  actions." 

"  Not  answerable  ! — I'll  make  you  know  to  the  con 
trary,  sirrah." 

"  No,  sir — you  tell  us  every  day  that  the  will  of  man 
has  no  power  over  his  opinions,  and  that  it  is  therefore 
ibsurd  to  make  him  accountable  for  his  errors.  You 


44  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

teach  us,  that  children  have  no  control  over  their  early 
education,  which  is  conducted  uniformly  upon  mischiev 
ous  principles — that  they  are  not  only  taught  to  think 
and  reason  wrong,  but  actually  to  commit  those  crimes 
for  which  they  are  afterward  punished — that,  therefore, 
when  they  grow  up,  they  cannot  be  justly  charged  either 
with  the  errors  of  their  opinions  or  the  wickedness  of 
their  actions.*  I  thank  my  stars,  therefore,  that  if  I 
think  or  act  wrong,  my  teachers  are  to  blame,  not  I." 

Here  was  the  mischief  to  pay  again  among  the  "  coun 
teracting  principles,"  which  thus  turned  short  upon  my 
master,  and  bit  him  shrewdly.  His  first  and  great  prin 
ciple,  that  the  errors  and  inconsistencies  of  men  pro 
ceeded  entirely  from  an  erroneous  system  of  education, 
and  that  they  were  therefore  not  accountable  for  them, 
hero  did  him  the  worst  office  that  could  be.  It  con 
victed  him,  in  the  sight  of  the  whole  community,  of  get 
ting  in  a  passion  contrary  to  fundamental  principles,  and 
that  the  man  who  professed  to  teach  perfectibility  was 
himself  imperfect. 

He  might  as  well  attempt,  thought  I,  to  teach  music 
without  understanding  the  gamut.  But  this  was  a 
momentary  doubt,  which  soon  yielded  to  the  force  of 
habit,  and  I  still  continued  to  think  my  master  a  perfect 
Man  Machine,  although  the  "  counteracting  principles" 
were  sometimes  permitted  to  assail  him,  as  Satan  did 
Job,  merely  to  try  his  patience. 

The  Man  Machine  Sandy  continued  to  exemplify 
from  time  to  time  the  influence  of  the  centripetal  force, 
and  the  mischievous  activity  of  the  counteracting  princi 
ples.  He  was  perpetually  demonstrating  the  notion  of 
my  master,  concerning  the  diabolical  errors  of  an  erro 
neous  system  of  education.  But  these  errors  being, 
according  to  his  theory,  not  his  fault,  but  that  of  his 
parents,  who  were  both  dead,  could  not  be  punished 

*  See  "New  View  of  Society,"  p.  83,  &c.  &c.,  for  similar 
doctrines. 


THE    MAN   THAtnttNE,  45 

wifoout  a  terrible  perversion  of  justice.  To  compro 
mise  matters  as  well  as  he  could,  my  master  at  length 
dismissed  him  into  the  wide  world,  where,  as  I  after 
ward  learned,  the  poor  fellow,  acting  upon  the  principle 
of  not  being  accountable  for  his  opinions  or  actions, 
appropriated  to  himself  certain  bank-notes  that  did  not 
belong  to  him,  and  was  hanged  in  defiance  of  all  the 
rules  of  justice,  tis  well  as  in  utter  disregard  to  the  sub 
lime  notion  of  a  community  of  goods. 

In  the  course  of  my  master's  experiments  upon  the 
Man  Machine,  there  were  a  great  many  machines  that 
left  the  establishment,  or  were  turned  away  for  being 
too  much  under  the  influence  of  the  counteracting  prin 
ciples.  They  took  with  them  their  share  of  the  com 
mon  stock  which  had  accumulated  during  their  induc 
tion  into  the  mysteries  of  perfectibility  ;  but  somehow 
or  other  there  were  so  many  deductions  for  this,  that, 
and  the  other  matter,  that  the  Men  Machines  complained 
loudly  at  the  smallness  of  their  dividend.  But  there 
was  no  help  for  it ;  for  my  master's  system  proceeded 
entirely  upon  the  principle  that,  as  the  Men  Machines 
who  presided  over  this  perfect  establishment  must  of 
necessity  be  entirely  and  exclusively  perfect  in  them 
selves,  there  was  no  necessity  to  guard  their  admin 
istration  of  the  public  fund  with  that  jealous  circum 
spection  requisite  towards  less  perfect  rulers,  in  a  less 
perfect  system. 

Upon  the  whole,  however,  our  community  sustained 
its  numbers  pretty  well.  The  children  that  were  born, 
and  the  recruits  that  came  in  from  time  to  time,  pre 
vented  any  apparent  diminution.  For  my  part  I  had  no 
inclination  to  leave  the  establishment.  I  had  at  last  be 
come  a  model,  as  my  master  assured  me,  of  a  perfect 
Man  Machine.  I  had  neither  virtues  to  exercise,  nor 
counteracting  principles  to  lead  me  astray.  I  worked 
my  task  as  regularly  as  the  spinning-jenny  went 
through  hers  :  I  ate  like  a  machine,  at  a  particular  time 


46  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

—I  slept  by  rule,  rose  by  rule,  and  did  every  thing  by 
rule.  In  short,  I  did  every  thing  like  a  perfect  machine 
of  a  man.  In  process  of  time  our  whole  community 
also  arrived  at  a  perfectibility  that  was  truly  astonishing, 
considering  its  apparent  impossibility.  It  might  be  said 
that  we  had  neither  virtues  nor  vices,  at  least  there  was 
neither  room  for  the  exercise  of  the  one,  nor  excite 
ment  for  the  indulgence  of  the  other.  There  is  no 
doubt  that  we  all  became  quite  perfect. 

My  master  valued  himself  exceedingly  at  having  at 
last  got  completely  the  upper  hand  of  his  old  enemies, 
the  counteracting  circumstances.  He  had  not  the  least 
doubt  but  that  his  system  would,  in  a  little  time,  be  uni 
versally  adopted,  and  that  there  would  then  be  no  further 
use  for  law  or  gospel  in  this  perfect  state  of  society. 
But  of  all  the  pieces  of  machinery  ever  invented,  the 
most  wayward,  perverse,  and  inconsistent,  beyond  all 
doubt,  is  the  Man  Machine.  No  sooner  does  it  be 
come  perfect,  but  it  begins  to  decay,  grows  rickety,  and 
good  for  nothing.  At  least  so  it  was  with  the  machinery 
of  our  establishment.  Our  perfectibility  at  last  cen 
tred  exclusively  in  the  performance  of  our  daily  duties. 
These  consisted  in  working  at  our  tasks  regularly — 
eating,  drinking,  sleeping  regularly — and  in  fact  doing 
every  thing  we  had  to  do  with  a  regularity  becom 
ing  perfect  machines.  Every  thing  was  in  common  ; 
therefore  no  one  was  in  want ;  and  therefore  there 
was  no  room  for  the  exercise  of  chanty  and  benevo 
lence.  The  children  were  all  taken  care  of  by  the 
community ;  and  the  aged  and  sick  were  nursed  and 
sustained  by  persons  expressly  appointed  to  superintend 
them — the  relative  duties  of  parent  and  child  were 
therefore  of  little  consequence  among  us,  and  were  sel 
dom  or  never  called  into  exercise.  In  short,  as  the  sys 
tem  of  our  society  was  so  perfect  as  not  to  require  the 
cement  of  mutual  wants,  mutual  weaknesses,  and  mu 
tual  dependence,  there  was  no  room,  nor  indeed  any 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  47 

occasion,  for  the  social  virtues,  except  so  far  as  they  are 
negatively  exercised  in  refraining  from  actual  violence 
or  injury. 

Again,  as  the  perfection  of  my  master's  system,  and  of 
his  Men  Machines,  consisted  in  the  total  absence  of  the 
passions,  or  rather  the  annihilation  of  the  counteracting 
principles,  it  is  obvious  that  this  could  only  be  brought 
about  by  the  absence  of  those  excitements  which  stimu 
late  them  into  rebellion.  In  removing  these,  it  was  requi 
site,  or  rather  it  was  unavoidable,  that  most,  if  not  all,  the 
motives  for  any  extraordinary  exertion  of  talent,  or  vigor 
ous  exercise  of  the  intellect,  should  be  wanting.  Our 
talents,  therefore,  as  well  as  our  virtues,  soon  became 
rusty  for  want  of  exercise.  Our  master  and  the  committee 
of  management*  were  the  only  persons  to  whom  the  ex 
ercise  of  any  but  the  working  faculty  was  at  all  neces 
sary.  They  thought  for  us,  and  they  acted  for  us.  They 
made  the  laws,  and  they  administered  them.  They 
took  care  of  our  morals,  our  manners,  and  our  money  ; 
while  we,  thrice  happy  machines,  had  nothing  to  do  but 
move  ourselves  about  with  all  the  regularity  of  a  spin 
ning-jenny — we  worked  by  rule,  ate  by  rule,  slept  by 
rule,  and  were  as  merry  as  so  many  cabbages  growing 
in  regular  lines.  As  the  endeavour  to  excel  our  com 
panions  in  any  thing  but  work  would  have  savoured  of 
a  design  to  overturn  the  perfect  system  of  equality,  all 
such  unseemly  ambition  was  studiously  repressed,  as 
one  of  the  mischievous  counteracting  principles  which 
it  was  necessary  to  put  down  in  the  most  summary 
manner.  As  there  was  no  such  thing  as  exclusive  prop 
erty  in  our  community,  and  even  a  man's  soul  could  not 
be  called  his  own,  being  under  the  exclusive  direction 
of  my  master's  first  principles — the  passion  of  avarice, 
or  the  desire  of  accumulation,  had  certainly  less  influ 
ence  over  us.  It  is  true  we  did  not  labour  with  that 

*  See  "  New  View  of  Society,"  Constitution,  Laws,  &c.,  for 
similar  provisions. 


4S  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

spirit  and  alacrity  men  do  when  they  are  labouring  for 
themietvee,  but  from  a  habit  acquired  by  the  machine,, 
which  went  its  regular  course  day  after  day.  But  this 
my  master  considered  as  the  highest  proof  of  perfecti 
bility,,  which*  properly  understood,  consisted  in  doing 
every  thing  necessary  to  the  happiness  of  the  commu 
nity,  not  from  a  sense  of  duty,  but  from  a  habit  acquired 
by  the  Man  Machine.  "  It  is  much  better,"  would  my 
master  say,  "  to  do  good  from  habit  than  impulse,  sen 
timent,  or  feeling,,  which  are  such  capricious  rascals  they 
can  never  be  depended  upon."  On  the  whole,  there  is 
no  doubt  but  we  actually  became  perfect  machines. 
We  believed  in  all  rny  master's  first  principles — in  the 
encouragement  of  crime  for  the  last  six  thousand  years 
by  an  erroneous  system  of  education — in  the  non-ac 
countability  of  man  for  his  opinions  or  actions — m  the 
wickedness  of  punishing  crimes — the  division  of  labour 
— the  community  of  goods — the  perfect  equality,  and 
above  all,  in  the  committee  of  management.  If  this 
was  not  perfection,  I  believe  there  is  no  such  thing  in 
this  world. 

'  But  scarcely  had  my  master  demonstrated  the  great 
truths  of  the  New  View  of  Society,  and  made  his  Men 
Machines  quite  perfect  in  their  evolutions,  when  his  old 
enemies,  the  counteracting  principles,  rallied  again,  and 
became  as  troublesome  as  ever.  My  master  in  a  little 
time  discovered,  that  though  it  was  quite  easy  to  make 
the  Men  Machines  perfect,  it  was  not  quite  so  easy  to 
keep  them  so.  As  the  inanimate  machine  becomes 
rickety,  out  of  order,  and  wears  out  in  time,  so  does  the 
animated  machine  called  man  continually  give  way  to 
that  mischievous  counteracting  principle  called  back 
sliding.  Scarcely,  therefore,  were  the  great  counter 
acting  principles  of  ambition,  love  of  glory,  and  desire 
of  knowledge  thus  totally  subdued,  than  the  lesser  and 
more  ignoble  ones  began  to  cut  a  figure,  like  corporals 
and  sergeant-majors  in  the  absence  of  the  commanding 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  49 

officers.  The  counteracting  principle  of  envy,  the  most 
grovelling,  contemptible,  and  at  the  same  time  the  most 
malignant,  began  to  erect  itself,  and  to  do  the  duty  of 
half  a  dozen  others,  in  sowing  the  seeds  of  dissolution 
in  the  perfect  system  of  society.  Experience,  as  I 
sometimes  thought,  gradually  developed  a  truth  that  my 
master  had  left  out  in  his  catalogue  of  counteracting 
circumstances,  to  wit,  that  it  is  utterly  impossible  to 
place  the  Man  Machine  in  any  situation  where  he  is  out 
of  the  reach  of  the  "  counteracting  principles."  On  a 
desert  island,  said  I,  mentally,  in  my  moments  of  disap 
pointment,  where  no  other  human  being  exists,  it  actually 
seems  that  he  will  envy  his  fellow-men  the  enjoyment 
of  social  intercourse,  and  the  birds  the  wings  that  en 
able  them  to  go  whither  they  will,  while  he  is  confined 
to  his  solitude.  Place  him  in  a  dungeon,  and  I  dare 
say  he  will  envy  others  the  enjoyment  of  air,  exercise, 
and  free  action.  Place  him  in  beggary,  and  he  will  very 
likely  envy  the  dog  his  bone — and  place  him  on  a  throne, 
he  will  envy  the  poorest  peasant  his  ruddy  health  and 
active  limbs.  Wherever  there  is  inequality  of  any  kind, 
there,  as  it  would  seem,  will  envy  subsist — and  if  it 
were  possible  to  produce  the  most  perfect  equality  in 
physical  and  mental  qualities — in  every  species  of  pos 
session — in  all  that  Providence  can  bestow  upon  man, 
I  could  almost  swear  there  would  still  be  the  same  ne 
cessity  for  the  ten  commandments  as  the  rules  of  our 
actions,  and  of  laws  to  enforce  them,  that  there  is  at  this 
moment.  Yet,  for  all  this,  you  are  not  to  suppose  that 
I  have  ever  doubted,  except  in  momentary  intervals  of 
vexation  or  disappointment,  the  possibility  of  introdu 
cing  a  universal  state  of  perfectibility  into  this  world,  pro 
vided  it  is  not  destroyed  too  soon  to  give  my  master's 
first  principles  a  fair  chance  of  operating  upon  the  Men 
Machines.  How  long  did  mankind  go  on  patiently 
doing  the  work  of  steam-engines  and  spinning-jennies, 
until  an  inspired  nobleman  suggested  the  idea  of  the 
5  C 


50  THE   MAN   MACHINE. 

one,  and  an  inspired  barber  demonstrated  the  possibility 
of  the  other  ?  Ages  elapsed  from  the  first  suggestion 
of  the  application  of  the  power  of  steam  to  mechanical 
purposes,  and  the  application  itself — and  still  other 
ages  before  the  machine  was  perfected.  Can  we  then 
expect  that  the  Man  Machine,  equally  complicated  in  its 
mechanical  organization,  will  all  at  once  spring  into  per 
fection  ?  No,  my  friends ;  as  the  nice  skill  of  the 
moulder  labours  whole  days  to  prepare  for  the  perfect 
casting,  so  must  the  nice  skill  of  the  reformer  labour 
whole  years,  not  to  say  centuries,  to  produce  the  perfect 
man.  Nothing,  I  am  convinced,  is  necessary  to  the 
perfectibility  of  the  human  machine,  but  the  same  labour 
and  perseverance  which  has  perfected  the  steam-engine 
and  cotton  machinery,  co-operating  with  the  proper  ap 
plication  of  "  circumstances"  and  the  absence  of  the 
rascally  "  counteracting  principles."  Then,  gentle 
men — then  there  will  be  no  further  occasion  for  laws  or 
religion — punishments  or  rewards — potentates  or  presi 
dents, — the  whole  universe  will  be  governed  by  "  A 

COMMITTEE    OF    MANAGEMENT,"    of  which  I  expect    to 

be  treasurer,  and  then — 

"  Hey  diddle  diddle,  the  cat  and  the  fiddle, 
The  cow  jumped  over  the  moon." — 

Here  the  Man  Machine  jumped  up  and  began  to  caper 
about  till  he  came  nigh  oversetting  the  bowl,  and  put 
ting  an  end  to  the  perfectibility  of  man  at  once.  It  was 
some  time  before  he  recovered  his  gravity  sufficiently  to 
proceed,  as  follows  : — 

But  however  this  may  be,  I  must  confess  that  besides 
the  little  malignant  counteracting  principle  of  envy, 
which  is  ever  the  substitute  of  emulation  and  ambition, 
there  were  certain  other  "  circumstances,"  as  my  mas 
ter  called  them,  such  as  those  unnaturally  natural  appe 
tites,  or  instincts,  which,  however  trifling  and  contempti 
ble,  like  rats  and  mice  on  board  a  ship,  often  endan- 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  51 

gered  his  whole  system.  These  were  perpetually 
thrusting  themselves  forward  in  the  disguise  of  a  prefer 
ence  of  beauty  to  deformity — of  light  hair  to  dark — of 
blue  eyes  to  black — of  youth  to  age— of  fair  to  brown, 
and  of  brown  to  fair.  Sometimes  two  machines  would 
agree  in  their  preferences,  and  this  agreement  at  once 
gave  play  to  a  whole  train  of  counteracting  circum 
stances,  which  caused  my  master  infinite  trouble  and 
vexation.  At  other  times  two  machines  would  differ 
about  what  my  master  in  his  New  View  of  Society  had 
expressly  stipulated  there  should  be  no  difference  about. 
For  instance,  one  was  a  Presbyterian,  another  an  Epis 
copalian,  and  another  had  no  religion  at  all.  This  was 
sufficient  for  argument,  which  on  such  subjects  gene 
rally  becomes  contention,  and  often  abuse.  In  the 
great  and  good-for-nothing  old  system  of  society  which 
subsists  in  the  world,  where  the  excitements  to  the  pas 
sions  are  divided  and  subdivided  almost  to  infinity,  such 
disputes  are  easily  forgotten  and  forgiven,  except  among 
those  whose  interest  it  is  to  keep  up  the  antipathy  of 
sects.  But  in  our  community,  we  had  so  few  causes 
of  excitement  that  one  answered  the  end  of  the  whole, 
and  seemed  to  concentrate  within  itself  the  fury  of  all 
the  passions.  No  matter  therefore  what  was  the  cause, 
however  insignificant,  it  produced  the  same  effects. 
The  perfect  Man  Machine  who  saw  his  neighbour  ma 
chine  receive  particular  notice  or  approbation  from  my 
master  envied  as  bitterly  as  the  courtier  who  sees  his 
rival  supersede  him  in  the  favour  of  the  king.  My 
master  lectured  away  on  the  sublime  principle  of  self- 
love,  but  it  all  would  not  do.  That  incomprehensible 
scoundrel,  human  nature,  seemed  to  set  his  face  against 
him  ;  and  it  happened  too  often  that  the  man  of  nature, 
aided  by  the  rascally  counteracting  circumstances,  got 
the  better  of  the  Man  Machine  and  caused  him  to  back 
slide  exceedingly. 

But  my  master  did  not  despair,  for  amid  all  these  dis- 
C2 


52  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

couraging  circumstances,  the  common  fund  increased, 
and  the  committee  of  management  had  every  year  a 
larger  amount  of  property  to  manage — for  the  commu 
nity.  But  for  my  part,  I  began  to  be  discouraged — not 
that  the  reflections  I  have  just  now  made  occurred  to 
me  at  that  time  ;  they  are  the  product  of  succeeding 
experience  in  the  great  world.  I  firmly  believed,  and 
believe  still,  that  the  fault  of  all  this  was  not  in  my  mas 
ter's  system,  but  in  human  nature  ;  that  is  to  say,  human 
nature  debased  and  corrupted  by  six  thousand  years  of 
"  erroneous  training,"  as  my  master  called  it. 

"  Rome  was  not  built  in  a  day,"  said  my  master  one 
time — "  and  a  system  of  six  thousand  years  can  only  be 
completely  routed  by  a  counteracting  system  of  equal 
duration.  1  shall  not  live  to  see  it — but  it  will  certainly 
happen  ;  if  my  system  is  pursued  six  thousand  years,  it 
will  become  completely  successful.  I  will  not  despair. 
And  who  knows,  after  all,  what  may  happen  1  Who 
knows  but  the  moral  perfectibility  may  bring  about  the 
mechanical  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine.  If  my 
system  can  only  prevent,  as  I  have  proved  it  can,  for  a 
time,  the  commission  of  all  sin,  then  of  course  there  will 
be  no  necessity  for  future  rewards  and  punishments ;  and, 
as  a  natural  consequence,  no  necessity  for  a  man  to  die. 
Who  knows  but  I  may  live  long  enough  to  see  the  mil 
lennium  ?  It  is  only  applying  the  principle  of  perpetual 
motion  to  the  Man  Machine." 

My  master  was  highly  delighted  with  this  new  light, 
and  went  on  with  fresh  hopes  and  spirits.  He  was 
quite  sure  his  Men  Machines  had  been  perfect,  at  least 
for  an  hour  or  two,  and  though  they  had  afterward  got 
a  little  out  of  order,  he  had  fairly  established  his  principle, 
that  they  were  susceptible  of  absolute  perfectibility.  All 
therefore  that  was  necessary  was  to  make  this  perfectibil 
ity  everlasting,  and  this  could  only  be  done  by  operating 
upon  a  long  succession  of  generations  of  Men  Machines. 
So  he  held  faster  to  his  system  than  ever,  and  so  did  I. 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  53 

Indeed  I  had  no  doubt  that  each  succeeding  race  of  our 
community,  provided  they  were  properly  trained,  and 
the  counteracting  principles  could  be  kept  down,  would 
approach  nearer  and  nearer  to  the  perfect  state,  and 
reach  it  permanently  at  last.  Nay,  I  carried  my 
anticipations  so  far  as  to  calculate  that  in  the  course  of 
three  or  four  centuries  at  farthest,  our  surplus  fund  would 
increase  to  such  an  extent  as  to  enable  my  master,  if  he 
lived  so  long,  to  purchase  all  the  land  in  the  kingdom, 
and  thus  make  perfect  Men  Machines  of  all  my  country 
men,  by  actually  buying  them  up  as  we  do  other  ma 
chinery. 

But  alas ! — one  of  my  master's  old  and  desperate 
enemies  was  destined,  by  that  envious  Providence  which, 
as  it  would  seem,  could  not  bear  to  see  a  vile  system 
which  it  had  permitted  to  exist  for  six  thousand  years 
routed  by  his  New  View  of  Society,  to  destroy  all  my 
anticipations  in  the  bud.  My  master  had  unaccount 
ably  forgotten,  that  in  order  to  make  his  system  complete, 
it  was  necessary  that  the  rulers  as  well  as  the  people 
should  be  equally  perfect.  A  reciprocity  of  perfection 
was  indispensable.  But  here  my  master's  system  was 
terribly  out  at  the  elbows,  and  presented  a  signal  exam 
ple  of  the  extreme  difficulty  of  introducing  perfection 
into  this  world,  or,  in  other  words,  of  reconciling  impos 
sibilities.  It  is  obvious  that  the  Men  Machines,  having 
the  management  of  the  surplus  fund — the  buying  and 
selling — in  fact,  everything  connected  with  the  pecuniary 
affairs  of  the  community,  must  of  necessity  mix  with 
the  world,  and  become  acquainted  with  the  value  of 
money,  the  arts  of  bargaining,  and  other  matters  indis 
pensable  to  a  judicious  superintendence  of  our  fund. 
They  would  therefore  be  assailed,  not  only  by  the  bad 
examples  of  people  educated  in  that  "  erroneous  sys 
tem"  which  has  prevailed  for  six  thousand  years,  but 
also  by  all  those  temptations  or  "  counteracting  princi 
ples"  which  constitute  what  are  called  the  seductions  of 


54  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

the  great  world.  It  is  hardly  possible,  therefore,  but  that 
their  machinery  should  get  more  or  less  out  of  order, 
and  they  themselves  backslide  from  the  summit  of  per 
fectibility. 

Thus  it  happened  that  the  treasurer  of  our  establish 
ment,  who,  at  the  time  of  his  election,  was  considered  the 
most  perfect  Man  Machine  among  us,  being  assailed  by 
the  "  counteracting  principle"  called  a  love  of  money, 
and  by  the  other  "  counteracting  principle,"  the  desire 
of  appropriating  other  people's  property  to  his  own  use, 
played  us  all  a  saucy  trick.  He  fell  from  grace — his 
machinery  got  terribly  out  of  order ;  and  he  backslided 
into  a  far  country  with  nearly  the  whole  proceeds  of  the 
surplus  fund  we  had  been  labouring  to  accumulate  for 
years.  The  committee  of  management  ran  after  the 
treasurer — my  master  ran  after  the  committee,  and  we 
were  left  alone,  like  so  many  babes  howling  in  the  wil 
derness.  Having  been  so  long  in  leading-strings,  not 
one  of  us  could  walk  alone,  and  it  became  sufficiently  evi 
dent,  that  after  all,  the  perfectibility  of  the  system  entirely 
depended,  not  upon  ourselves,  but  upon  a  runaway  trea 
surer,  a  runaway  committee,  and  a  runaway  reformer. 
From  the  mere  force  of  habit  our  machinery  continued 
to  perform  its  task — to  eat  and  sleep,  to  rise  in  the  morn 
ing  and  lie  down  at  night — but  the  rest  was  all  a  vacuum 
— a  blank — a  state  of  absolute  perfectibility,  produced 
by  a  state  of  stagnation. 

In  process  of  time  my  master,  who  was  perfectly 
innocent  of  all  participation  in  the  fraud  of  that  infamous 
Man  Machine  the  treasurer,  except  in  so  far  as  he  had 
not  sufficiently  provided  against  the  influence  of  the 
"  counteracting  circumstances,"  returned  from  an  un 
successful  pursuit  of  many  hundred  miles.  We  had 
now  the  world  to  begin  again.  But,  to  say  the  truth, 
perfectibility  is  such  a  horrid  dull  thing,  and  there  was 
such  a  want,  a  total  absence  of  the  charm  of  variety  in 
our  lives  and  occupations,  that  for  some  time  past  a  great 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  55 

portion  of  our  community  had  hung  loose  upon  the  es 
tablishment.  It  was  only  the  cement  of  the  "  surplus 
fund,"  that  kept  them  together ;  and  that  being  gone, 
they  longed  like  children,  for  such  in  fact  they  were  in 
knowledge  of  the  world,  to  go  forth  and  see  its  distant 
wonders.  In  one  word,  they  sighed  for  that  freedom 
of  will,  that  release  from  eternal  restraint,  eternal  super 
vision,  and  eternal  monotony,  which  they  were  obliged 
to  submit  to  in  order  to  arrive  at  perfection.  The  idea 
of  freedom  was  so  exquisitely  grateful,  that  they  forgot 
their  losses,  and  in  a  little  time,  in  spite  of  my  mas 
ter's  exhortations  and  the  logic  of  his  New  View  of  So 
ciety,  which  he  read  over  to  them  six  times,  they  flew 
away  like  gay  birds  in  all  directions,  leaving  him  a 
disconsolate  teacher  without  any  scholars  but  myself^ 
and  a  few  of  the  lame,  blind,  and  incapable  of  the  com 
munity,  who  were  left  behind.  The  ties  of  kindred  and 
the  feelings  of  humanity  had,  in  truth,  been  very  much 
weakened  for  want  of  exercise  in  our  establishment,  if 
they  were  not  entirely  left  out  in  the  march  to  perfecti 
bility.  What  became  of  the  grown-up  children,  thus 
putting  themselves  upon  their  country,  destitute  of  the 
habits  and  experience  necessary  to  self-government, 
security,  nay,  existence  in  the  wide  world,  I  know  not 
to  a  certainty.  I  have  heard  that  many  of  them  were 
wrecked  upon  the  unknown  coast  of  the  world,  and 
that  the  remainder  during  a  great  part  of  their  lives  were 
indebted  for  support  to  that  society  which  they  had  de 
serted  in  pursuit  of  perfection.  My  business  is  not 
however  with  them.  I  am  to  relate  my  own  story, 
which  will  exemplify  the  situation  of  human  beings,  such 
as  it  would  in  all  probability  be  in  the  event  of  the  ill 
success  of  my  master's  great  plan,  and  the  consequent 
necessity  of  their  again  mixing  with  the  world  as  it  is, 
with  the  obligation  of  obeying  its  laws,  conforming  to  its 
institutions,  and  fulfilling  its  duties. 

I  continued  with  my  master  some  time  after  the  back- 


66  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

sliding  of  the  treasurer,  and  the  dispersion  of  his  flock. 
Notwithstanding  his  little  eccentricities,  I  could  not  help 
liking  him  for  the  trouble  he  took  to  make  the  world 
perfect.  Besides,  as  the  apostate  Man  Machine  of  a 
treasurer  could  not  run  away  with  the  village,  the  land, 
and  the  improvements,  our  establishment  was  not  alto 
gether  ruined,  and  recruits  began  to  flock  in  from  time 
to  time.  It  would  seem  indeed  that  whatever  may  be 
the  situation  of  a  man,  good,  bad,  or  indifferent,  there 
will  always  be  found  some  one  to  occupy  it  the  moment 
it  is  vacant.  Be  this  as  it  may,  my  master  railed  more 
than  ever  against  the  "  erroneous  system"  of  education 
pursued  for  the  last  six  thousand  years,  and  I  verily  be 
lieve  would  actually  have  hung  up  the  "  counteracting 
principles"  in  a  row  could  he  have  fairly  got  them  in  his 
clutches,  notwithstanding  his  opinion  of  the  injustice  of 
all  punishments. 

We  used  to  hold  conversations  together,  and  my  mas 
ter,  who  had  great  confidence  in  the  perfection  of  my 
machinery,  frequently  consulted  me  on  the  subject  of 
either  converting  these  vile  counteracting  principles  to 
his  own  notions,  or  exterminating  them  entirely.  On 
one  of  these  occasions  I  thought  I  would  bring  him 
fairly  to  the  point,  by  asking  what  he  meant  exactly  by 
these  counteracting  principles,  which  seemed  to  be 
always  in  his  way. 

"  To  tell  you  the  truth,  sir,"  said  I,  "  although  my 
corporeal  Man  Machine  is  perfect,  so  far  as  respects  its 
being  entirely  and  exclusively  governed,  directed,  set 
going,  and  stopped  by  the  great  principle  called  the  force 
of  habit,  whereby  the  mischievous  influence  of  the  pas 
sions  is  entirely  obviated ;  yet  I  fear  that  I  am  not 
equally  perfect  in  my  comprehension.  I  confess,  sir,  I 
have  never  yet  been  able  to  understand  exactly  what 
you  mean  by  the  counteracting  principles.  I  have  no 
doubt  they  are  a  set  of  diabolical  rascals,  but  I  should 
like  to  have  so  particular  description  that  I  might  know 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  57 

them  half  a  mile  off,  and  get  out  of  the  way  when  I  saw 
them  coming." 

"  What  I  mean,"  replied  he,  after  some  considerable 
pause — "  what  I  mean  by  the  l  counteracting  principles,' 
or  '  the  force  of  circumstances,'  is,  all  those  vices,  fol 
lies,  inconsistencies,  absurdities,  habits,  principles,  and 
feelings  which  an  erroneous  system  of  education  for  the 
last  six  thousand  years  has  implanted  in  the  human  race, 
so  as  to  change,  as  it  were,  their  very  natures,  making 
them  almost  unsusceptible  of  perfectibility,  and,  it  would 
seem,  incapable  of  remaining  perfect  when  I  have  made 
them  so.  O  !  if  I  could  only  get  rid  of  these,  what  a 
world  I  would  make  of  it — there  would  be  no  use  in  a 
better,  I  promise  you." 

I  was  just  as  far  off  as  before,  and  went  on. 

"  May  I  ask,  sir,  what  you  mean  by  an  erroneous 
system  of  education  ?" 

"  A  system  which  counteracts  human  nature,  sir." 

"  But  how,  sir  ? — You  have  always  told  us  that  human 
nature  is  nothing  but  a  bit  of  wax,  on  which  any  impres 
sion  may  be  made  if  taken  while  it  is  soft.  It  seems  to 
me,  though  I  know  I  am  mistaken,  that  strictly  speaking 
there  can  be  no  such  thing  as  human  nature,  and  there 
fore  that  it  cannot  be  counteracted  by  an  erroneous  sys 
tem  of  education." 

"  Right,  sir — right — human  nature  is  an  absurdity,  a 
non-entity — a — a — in  short,  man  is  nothing  but  a  ma 
chine,  and  his  nature,  or  the  first  principle  of  his  exist 
ence,  nothing  more  than  the  force  of  an  innate — an 
innate — an — a — law  of  matter  like  that  which  causes  the 
wheel  to  go  in  a  circle,  and  the  runner  in  a  horizontal 
line." 

"  But  it  has  often  puzzled  me,  sir,  why — if  human 
nature  is  a  mere  machine,  with  its  one  inflexible  law  of 
action  like  that  of  a  wheel — why  you  should  take  so 
much  trouble  to  make  it  go  better.  But  after  all,  sir,  I 
don't  see  how  this  explains  the  counteracting  principles." 
C3 


58  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

"  Look'e,  sir,"  said  my  master,  who  was  so  well 
satisfied  with  the  truth  of  his  theory  that  he  never  would 
allow  anybody  to  question  it  without  growing  rather 
sore — "  look'e,  sir — the  counteracting  principle  is  that 
tendency  to  wrong  and  mischief  which  is  implanted  in 
the  Man  Machine  by  an  erroneous  system  of  education  ; 
and  the  force  of  circumstances  is  nothing  more  than 
the  temptations  thrown  into  his  way  by  this  erroneous 
system." 

"  As  how,  sir?" 

"  By  the  counteracting  principles,  sir." 

'*  I  believe  I  am  very  stupid,  sir — but  really  I  do  not 
even  yet  comprehend  these  principles.  What  are  they?" 

My  master  began  to  redden. 

"  Why,  sir — if  I  must  take  the  trouble  to  answer  your 
impertinent  questions,  sir,  I  tell  you,  that  avarice,  lust, 
ambition,  envy,  malice,  and  revenge  are  what  I  call  the 
counteracting  principles." 

"Oil  understand  now — what  we  used  to  call  the 
passions." 

"  The  passions  ! — 'tis  false,  sir — they  are  not  what 
we  used  to  call  the  passions — the  passions  are  phantoms 
— they  have  no  existence  except  in  the  brain  of  stupid 
ity — they  are  the  infamous  incestuous  product  of  the 
vile  system  of  education  pursued  for  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years.  There  is  no  such  thing  as  passion — or  I 
say,  there  should  not,  and  there  would  not  be  such  a  thing, 
if  it  were  not  for  the  rascally  counteractiog  principles — you 
are  a  blockhead,  sir — and  may  go — where  you  please." 

"  It  may  be — but  I  am  a  perfect  machine  for  all  that 
— nobody  shall  convince  me  to  the  contrary." 

"  You  are  a  perfect  ass,"  said  my  master,  turning  his 
back  upon  me  in  great  wrath — "  you  are  a  perfect  ass — 
and  the  machinery  of  your  upper  works  is  not  worth  a 
tobacco-stopper.  I  wonder  how  I  could  make  a  toler 
able  cotton-spinner  of  you." 

This  attack  upon  my  perfectibility  nettled  me  a  good 


THE   MAN  MACHINE.  60 

deal ;  neither  was  I  quite  satisfied  with  my  master's  de 
finition  of  the  counteracting  principles.  I  began  to  hang 
rather  loose  upon  the  establishment ;  but  am  not  sure  I 
should  have  left  it,  but  for  a  "  circumstance"  which  I 
consider  the  most  unlucky  that  ever  happened  to  me  in 
my  whole  life. 

It  is  time  to  remind  you  that  I  had  once  a  father,  mo 
ther,  brothers,  and  sisters.  The  pursuit  of  perfectibility, 
with  other  important  matters,  has  hitherto  prevented  my 
telling  you  that  I  lost  them  all,  one  after  the  other*  in 
the  course  of  a  few  years.  My  father—but  I  will  not 
expose  him— he  died.  My  mother  did  not  long  sur 
vive  ;  and  my  poor  little  brothers  and  sisters  dropped 
one  after  another  into  that  yawning  tomb  prepared  for 
their  reception  by  the  glorious  champions  of  productive 
labour.  They  withered  like  so  many  poor  ignoble  little 
flowers,  shut  out  from  air  and  sunshine — they  waxed 
pale,  sickly,  and  yellow — they  became  stinted  in  growth, 
dry,  flimsy,  inactive— and  at  last  incapable.  One  after 
another  they  died  away,  as  it  were,  of  no  other  disease 
than  that  of  the  spinning-jenny.  When  I  think  of  them 
now,  the  tears  come  into  my  eyes,  although  it  was  so 
long  ago ;  but  their  fate  at  the  time  made  but  little  im 
pression.  I  was  too  busy  attending  upon  the  evolutions 
of  the  ever-turning  wheel,  the  sole  object  of  my  earthly 
contemplations.  From  long  watching  the  eternal  round 
of  the  spinning-jenny,  its  action  became  so  impressed 
on  the  pupil  of  my  eyes,  and  its  buzzing  noise  upon  the 
drum  of  my  ear,  that,  present  or  absent,  sleeping  or  wak 
ing,  my  brain  retained  no  other  image,  and  bore  no  other 
impress  but  that.  The  wheel  was  perpetually  dancing 
before  me  ;  and  as  a  man,  after  looking  at  the  bright 
sun  in  the  firmament  for  a  few  moments,  sees  when  he 
withdraws  his  eyesathousand  orbs  dancing  before  him,  so 
did  I  a  thousand  spinning-jennies.  It  was  thus  that  my 
natural  feelings  and  nicer  perceptions  died  away  for  want 
of  exercise,  and  when  I  saw  myself  alone  in  the  world 


60  THE   MAN  MACHINE. 

by  the  death  of  all  my  family,  I  tried  to  be  sorry,  but 
could  comprehend  nothing  distinctly  but  the  spinning- 
jenny. 

About  the  time  my  master  insulted  me  for  not  prop 
erly  comprehending  the  counteracting  circumstances, 
and  while  I  felt  a  little  sore  on  the  subject,  one  of  these 
diabolical  villains  was  let  loose  upon  me  before  I  was 
aware  of  it.  News  was  brought  me  that  a  person  pos 
sessing  a  good  estate  in  a  distant  part  of  the  country 
had  died  intestate,  and  that  after  minute  investigation  it 
was  found  I  was  next  heir  to  the  whole  of  his  property. 
I  was  therefore  regularly  summoned  to  take  possession. 
Here  was  a  "counteracting circumstance,"  as  my  master 
called  it,  enough  to  make  one's  hair  stand  on  end,  turn 
his  whole  New  View  of  Society  wrong  side  outwards, 
and  destroy  the  perfectibility  of  man. 

My  views,  perceptions,  and  opinions  were  for  a  time 
changed,  as  if  by  magic.  When  I  had  nothing  I  was  a 
great  admirer  of  a  community  of  goods — now  I  was  rich, 
I  turned  up  my  nose  at  the  very  idea  of  such  an  odd 
ridiculous  notion,  and  argued  with  my  master  on  the 
subject  with  a  degree  of  independence  at  which  he  was 
quite  astonished.  I  offered  to  bet  him  a  round  sum  to 
back  my  opinions,  and  this  was  better  than  all  his  first 
principles  put  together.  My  master  proposed  to  make 
me  treasurer,  but  as  there  was  no  common  fund  but 
what  I  might  contribute,  I  resisted  the  tempting  offer  of 
being  allowed  to  take  care  of  my  own  money,  manfully. 
In  an  evil  hour,  1  determined  to  give  up  all  the  delights 
of  perfectibility — to  yield  to  the  force  of  the  counteract 
ing  circumstance — to  follow  the  bent  of  the  enlarged 
principle  of  social  self-love,  and  return  to  the  great  world 
again,  to  set  a  good  example  and  reform  its  abuses.  Be 
fore  I  went,  I  resigned  my  portion  of  the  village,  the 
land,  and  its  improvements  to  the  remnant  of  the  com- 
niunity  that  had  laboured  with  me,  after  which  I  sallied 
forth,  full  of  hopes,  fears,  and  anticipations  of  I  knew 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  61 

not  what.  I  remember  the  first  thing  that  alarmed  me 
in  my  debut  was  seeing  two  pigs  righting,  an  atrocity 
which  none  of  the  orderly  swine  brought  up  under  the 
New  View  of  Society  ever  were  guilty  of  while  in  a  per 
fect  state.  "  They  are  terribly  under  the  influence  of  the 
counteracting  principles,"  said  I,  to  a  person  who  hap 
pened  to  be  near. 

"  Of  what  ?'  said  he,  turning  quick  upon  me. 

"  Of  the  counteracting  principles,"  said  I. 

"  They  are  under  the  influence  of  passion,"  said  he. 

"  My  dear  sir,  there  are  no  such  things  as  the  pas 
sions — they  are  nothing  but  circumstances." 

"  Who  told  you  so  ?"  replied  he,  eying  me  with  a 
queer  look,  half-surprised  and  half-angry. 

'«  My  master — he  can  prove  to  you  by  his  precepts,  if 
not  by  his  example,  that  there  are  no  such  things  in  his 
New  View  of  Society  as  passions.  They  are  nothing 
but  circumstances  and  counteracting  principles,  as  I  said 
before." 

"  Tut,"  replied  he — "  'tis  only  a  new  name  for  an  old 
thing — your  master,  whoever  he  is,  may  call  black  white, 
or  white  black,  yet  that  won't  alter  the  colour." 

"  I  see  you  have  never  read  the  New  View  of  Society 
— you  are  suffering  all  the  evils,  miseries,  and  inconsis 
tencies  of  that  abominable  system  of  education  which 
has  prevailed  in  the  world  for  the  last  six  thousand  years. 
You  have  '  been  taught  crime  from  your  youth,'  as  my 
master  says,  and  I  dare  affirm,  will  one  day  be  unjustly 
subjected  to  punishment  for  those  very  offences  which 
it  was  impossible  you  should  not  commit." 

"  Abominable  system  of  education  !  Taught  crime 
from  my  youth  !  Punished  for  offences  it  was  impossi 
ble  I  should  not  commit !  What  do  you  mean,  sir  V1 
cried  he,  in  a  passion. 

I     "  I  mean,"  said  I,  with  perfect  politeness—"  I  mean 
that  it  is  more  than  an  equal  chance  that  you  will  one 
6 


62  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

day  be  hanged  by  the  mere  *  force  of  circumstances'— 
as  my  master  says." 

Upon  this  the  imperfect  Man  Machine  unluckily  gave 
way  to  the  rascally  counteracting  principles,  and  came 
forward  with  an  evident  intention  to  knock  me  down. 

"  I'll  teach  you  to  throw  out  reflections  upon  me — " 

"  My  dear  Man  Machine — I  meant  no  reflection, — 
none  in  the  world — if  you  should  happen  to  be  hanged,  it 
will  not  be  your  fault — it  will  be  the  fault  of  your  edu 
cation,  for  which  you  are  no  more  accountable  than  for 
your  subsequent  actions.  If  anybody  deserves  to  be 
hanged,  it  is  your  father  and  mother,  who  brought  you 
up  in  a  profound  ignorance  of  tN  *  counteracting  princi 
ples,'  and  that  delightful  self-love,  which  is  the  basis  of 
all  social  happiness." 

"  My  good  friend,"  replied  he,  in  a  tone  of  contempt 
— "  you  are  either  a  fool  or  a  madman — I  can't  tell 
which." 

"  I  am  a  philosopher." 

"  The  difference  is  not  much  now-a-days,"  quoth  he 
— and  coolly  turned  away. 

As  I  proceeded  on  my  way  to  take  possession  of  my 
estate,  I  every  moment  discovered  that  I  had  got  into  a 
new  world,  where  I  was  a  fish  out  of  water.  Every 
thing  seemed  at  sixes  and  sevens — and  there  was  a  hor 
rible  freedom  of  will  arid  of  action  lhat  kept  me  in  per 
petual  trepidation — neither  man  nor  boast  seemed  to  pay 
the  least  attention  to  the  sublime  precepts  of  the  New 
View  of  Society.  In  our  establishment  there  was  a  per 
fect  equality — except  that  no  person  was  permitted  to 
have  a  voice  in  choosing  the  committee  of  management 
unless  he  was  worth  a  hundred  pounds.*  There  was 
also  a  perfect  freedom  of  action — except  that  the  com 
mittee  regulated  the  employment  of  every  member  "con 
sistently  with  the  public  good."f  In  short,  there  was  a 

*  See  "  New  View  of  Society,"  Constitution. 
f  Ibid,  for  similar  regulations. 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  63 

regularity — a  beautiful  monotony,  like  the  ticking  of  a 
clock,  or  the  evolutions  of  a  spinning-jenny — men,  wo 
men,  and  children — pigs,  ducks,  geese,  and  chickens — 
hogs,  dogs,  horses,  cows,  oxen,  sheep,  and  asses — there 
seemed  scarcely  any  perceptible  difference  between 
them — the  instinct  of  the  one  seemed  quite  equal  to  the 
reason  of  the  other — and  if  there  was  any  difference,  it 
was  in  favour  of  honest  instinct.  The  committee  of 
management  constituted  the  great  moving  principle 
which  set  the  whole  machinery  of  the  establishment 
going — they  were  the  steam  to  the  engine.  I  should  do 
injustice  to  one  of  the  most  perfect  machines  I  ever  saw, 
if  I  neglected  to  mention  in  this  place  a  most  sagacious 
donkey,  whose  special  vocation  it  was  to  carry  water. 
He  would  go  to  the  well  and  return  with  his  load  as 
regularly  as  a  Man  Machine,  and  that  too  without  a 
driver.  But  no  reasoning,  no  violence,  no  first  princi 
ples  could  make  him  go  one  step  beyond  the  well,  or 
carry  a  single  load  after  the  hour  of  twelve.  He  knew  as 
well  as  any  Man  Machine  when  the  clock  struck  twelve, 
and  whenever  it  was  attempted  to  make  him  take  an 
other  trip  to  the  well,  the  "counteracting  principle"  be 
came  invincible.  What  more  could  we  expect  from 
your  boasted  rational  animals  ? 

But  the  world  into  which  I  had  got  was  a  melancholy 
contrast  to  this  perfect  system.  Every  man  seemed 
to  be  actually  in  some  measure  governed  and  impelled 
by  his  own  will,  and  of  course  every  man  took  his  own 
way.  Every  one  chose  his  own  occupation,  without  con 
sulting  or  being  directed  by  a  committee  of  management, 
which,  by  relieving  the  community  from  the  labour  of 
thinking  for  itself,  leaves  every  one  at  full  liberty  to  do 
nothing — but  labour  for  the  joint  benefit  of  others.  As 
with  the  biped,  so  with  the  quadruped  machines.  Not 
one  of  them  seemed  to  know  its  place  as  in  my  master's 
establishment ;  each  rambled  and  fed,  apparently  where 
it  liked,  and  so  it  performed  its  appropriate  task,  or  an- 


64  THE    MAN  MACHINE. 

swered  its  destined  end,  was  allowed  every  other  spe 
cies  of  freedom.  The  worst  of  it  was,  that  though  I 
could  not  help  pitying  and  despising  all  of  them  in  a 
lump,  I  was  provoked  to  see  them  look  a  hundred  times 
happier  and  more  sprightly  than  my  master's  two-legged 
and  four-legged  machines.  The  men  whistled,  and  the 
women  sang  at  their  work — the  little  children  laughed 
and  shouted  in  a  most  unseemly  manner  amid  their  un 
regulated  gambols,  where  they  sometimes  fought  and 
squabbled  horribly.  Their  happiness  was  unaccount 
able — and  could  only  proceed  from  an  utter  ignorance 
of  my  master's  New  View  of  Society.  If  they  could 
only  read  that,  thought  I,  they  would  go  near  to  destroy 
themselves.  The  poor  creatures  little  anticipated  that 
probably  one-third  of  them  would  live  to  be  hanged  or 
otherwise  punished,  only  for  committing  crimes  actually 
forced  upon  them  by  the  erroneous  system  of  education 
inflicted  on  mankind  for  the  last  six  thousand  years. 
But  the  greatest  enormity  I  saw  was  an  ox,  who  seemed 
so  particularly  delighted  with  the  liberty  he  enjoyed  of 
doing  as  he  pleased  for  a  little  while,  that  he  actually 
cut  a  caper  that  would  have  scandalized  all  the  sober 
machines  of  my  master's  establishment.  I  could  not 
help  drawing  a  contrast  between  the  gayety  I  now  saw, 
and  the  philosophic  ennui  which  at  all  times  displayed 
itself  in  our  establishment,  and  which  increased  with 
every  advance  to  perfection. 

These  impressions  and  reflections,  however  insensi 
bly,  gave  place  to  others,  as  I  gradually  approached 
towards  my  new  home,  where  I  at  length  arrived  with 
out  any  material  accident.  It  was  a  retired  spot  in  a 
remote  county — pleasantly  situated,  and  within  two 
miles  of  a  little  town.  The  old  servants  of  the  late 
owner  received  me  with  attentive  respect,  and  conducted 
me  to  a  room,  where  dinner  was  served  up  in  handsome 
style.  I  asked  them  if  they  had  dined,  and  on  their 
replying  in  the  negative  invited  them  to  sit  down  with 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  65 

me.  They  at  first  thought  I  was  joking — but  on  irrv 
peremptorily  insisting  upon  it,  they  sat  down  with  awk 
ward  embarrassment.  It  was  plain  to  me  they  never 
had  read  the  New  View  of  Society — and  knew  nothing 
of  the  community  of  goods — the  perfect  equality — the 
incapacity  of  the  Man  Machine  to  govern  his  opinions 
or  actions — the  horrible  system  of  education  of  the  last 
six  thousand  years — the  divine  impulse  or  circumstance 
of  self-love,  and  the  counteracting  principles.  Here 
was  a  fine  field  for  the  application  of  my  master's 
theory. 

I  resolved  to  lose  no  time,  and  as  soon  as  dinner  was 
over  began  by  laying  down  the  first  principles  of  the 
New  View.  I  taught  them  that  man  was  a  machine, 
and  might  be  governed  like  all  other  pieces  of  machinery 
— that  as  men  were  taught  crime  by  the  very  education 
they  received,  there  was  no  necessity  nor  even  justice 
in  inflicting  punishment — that  from  the  beginning  of  the 
world  to  the  present  time,  all  men  had  been  erroneously 
trained,  and  hence  all  the  inconsistencies  and  misery  of 
mankind — that  a  man's  will  has  no  control  over  his 
opinions  or  his  actions,  so  far  as  they  are  influenced  by 
those  opinions — that  as  all  crimes  originated  in  an  erro 
neous  education,  over  which  we  had  no  control,  we 
could  not  be  justly  accountable  for  them  either  in  the 
sight  of  God  or  man — that  self-love  was  the  prime 
source  of  all  virtue  and  happiness — that  man  was  a 
machine,  having  naturally  no  passions  but  what  are  in 
stilled  into  him  by  an  abominable  system  of  education 
— that  he  is  capable  of  perfectibility — and  that  nothing 
stands  in  the  way  of  it  but  the  rascally  counteracting 
principles.  These  doctrines  I  repeated  every  day,  until 
my  people  got  them  by  heart,  and  could  repeat  them. 
Nay,  I  put  them  in  the  form  of  a  catechism,  which  I 
taught  every  Sunday,  instead  of  sending  them  to  church 
to  hear  the  parson  dogmatize.  I  put  in  force  a  number 
of  my  master's  regulations,  and  adopted  his  system  in 


66  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

I 

all  its  material  parts,  having  no  doubt  that  in  a  reason 
able  time  I  should  produce  a  great  reform  in  my  house 
hold.  And  so  I  should  without  doubt,  but  for  my  mas 
ter's  old  enemies,  some  of  whom  followed  me  into  my 
retirement,  and  were  as  busy  as  ever  in  counteracting 
our  plans  for  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine. 

My  establishment  consisted  of  an  old  housekeeper, 
with  whom  I  had  more  trouble  than  with  all  the  rest  put 
together.  She  had  long  reigned  mistress,  and  master 
too,  of  the  house — for  I  have  been  credibly  informed 
that  my  predecessor,  an  old  bachelor,  was  more  afraid 
of  her  than  my  master  was  of  the  counteracting  princi 
ples.  Indeed,  my  experience  has  long  since  taught  me 
that  it  is  no  way  of  escaping  the  tyranny  of  the  sex  to 
remain  single.  I  never  yet  saw  an  old  bachelor  that 
was  not,  sooner  or  later,  most  awfully  henpecked  by 
some  bitter  old  or  sweet  young  housekeeper,  nurse, 
cook,  or  bed-maker.  Mistress  Jeannie,  as  she  was 
called,  was  one  of  the  very  pillars  of  aristocracy.  She 
could  not  bear  the  sight  of  your  "  ruff  scruff,"  as  she 
called  them,  and  disliked  your  poor  people  inordinately. 
The  pedigrees  of  all  around,  far  and  near,  were  known 
to  her  a  thousand  times  better  than  at  the  Herald's  Office ; 
and  Lyon  king-at-arms  was  a  fool  to  her  in  gene 
alogy.  You  could  tell  the  antiquity  of  a  family  by  the 
courtesy  she  made  to  its  representative  at  church.  In 
short,  she  had  been  used  to  the  exercise  of  power  ;  and 
held  herself  considerably  above  the  majority  around  her 
— two  of  the  great  counteracting  principles  in  the  way 
of  reform.  It  will  always  be  found,  I  fear,  that  the  de 
sire  or  the  abhorrence  of  a  system  of  equality  entirely 
depends  upon  the  question  whether  it  will  raise  or  de 
press  us  in  the  scale  of  society. 

The  other  members  of  my  establishment  were  a 
steward,  or  manager,  a  shrewd,  wary  Scotsman,  of  whom 
it  was  said  that  he  paid  much  attention  to  the  affairs  of 
his  master,  and  much  more  to  his  own.  He  was  sup- 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  67 

posed  to  be  considerably  under  the  influence  of  the 
counteracting  principles — something  of  a  hypocrite,  and 
a  little  more  of  a  rogue.  His  name  was  Macnab,  and 
he  prided  himself  upon  what  he  was  pleased  to  call  his 
Celtic  origin.  There  was  a  footman,  a  coachman,  a 
stable-boy,  and  one  or  two  others  of  miscellaneous  oc 
cupation,  together  with  two  maids,  one  of  whom  was  no 
beauty,  and  the  other  had  as  much  vanity  and  affectation 
as  a  duchess  of  three  tails.  "  Rather  unpromising  ma 
chines  for  perfectibility,"  thought  I — "  but  what  of  that  ? 
I  have  no  doubt,  as  my  master  affirms,  that  any  charac 
ter  may  be  given  to  a  community,  or  to  the  world  at 
large,  by  means  which  are  at  the  command  of  those 
who  influence  human  affairs."* 

Much  to  my  satisfaction,  I  discovered  in  a  little  time 
that  my  people  glided  with  perfect  ease  into  the  New 
System  of  Society,  so  far  as  respected  their  intercourse 
with  me.  They  sat  down  at  meals  at  the  same  table 
with  me,  and  so  far  from  displaying  any  awkward  em 
barrassment,  or  making  any  sacrifices  of  appetite  in  con 
sideration  of  my  authority,  they  made  a  point  of  helping 
themselves  to  the  choice  bits  on  all  occasions.  This 
was  promising,  and  I  had  little  doubt  of  ultimate  suc 
cess,  when  all  at  once  the  villanous  counteracting  prin 
ciples  made  their  appearance,  and  hatched  a  plot  against 
me  that  had  wellnigh  overturned  my  New  System. 

The  first  was  the  counteracting  principle  of  insubor 
dination.  My  steward,  the  Celtic  Macnab,  began  to 
demur  most  sturdily  to  my  directions — insisting,  that  as 
we  were  upon  a  perfect  equality  in  all  other  respects,  he, 
as  the  person  that  had  most  experience  in  these  matters, 
ought  to  have  the  sole  superintendence  of  the  agricul 
tural  part  of  the  system.  On  my  demurring  to  this,  he 
turned  away  without  ceremony,  muttering  something  ex 
tremely  disrespectful  to  spinning-jennies  and  machinery. 

*  See  "  New  View  of  Society"  for  similar  doctrines. 


68  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

He  then  went  to  honest  Murdoch,  the  ploughman,  a 
brave  Kilkenny  boy  as  ever  broke  heads  for  amusement, 
and  directed  him  to  plough  a  certain  field  for  the  pur 
pose  of  planting  ruta  baga. 

"RutawhaU"  quoth  Murdoch. 

"  Turnips,"  said  Macnab. 

"  The  divil  burn  such  articles  as  turnips,  say  I." 

"  But  you  must  plant  them,  for  all  that." 

"  Must — must,  did  you,  say  ?  That  for  you,  Mac- 
nab,"  cried  Murdoch,  snapping  his  fingers — "  there  is 
no  must  here,  in  the  New  Jerusalem.  Turnips  ! — 
Boo ! — would  you  set  an  Irishman  planting  turnips, 
when  there  is  such  a  ting  as  the  beautiful  patate  in  the 
land  of  the  living  ?  Divil  burn  me,  Macnab,  if  I  plant 
a  turnip  if  you  christen  them  by  the  name  of  the  best 
saint  in  the  calendar." 

"  But  I  say  you  must,  and  shall — ain't  I  the  man 
ager  ?  You  forget  yourself,  Mr.  Murdoch." 

"  Faith,  Macnab,  you're  out  there — I'm  just  begin 
ning  to  remember  myself.  You  manager  ! — tak  notice, 
ye  old  Celtic  dried  up  mushroom,  there  is  to  be  no  man 
ager  or  management  here — our  master — that  is  to  say, 
our  instructer,  for  all  other  masters  I  disdain — has  sat 
isfied  me  that  we  have  nothing  to  do  with  making  our 
own  opinions — now  my  opinion  is  decidedly  in  favour 
of  planting  patatees — and  if  I  am  wrong  you  will  please 
put  it  down  to  the  errors  of  my  edication — uatatees  for 
ever !  ye  old  worn-out  Man  Machine,"  cried  Murdoch, 
throwing  up  his  hat — "  huzza  for  patatees  !" 

"  I  say  turnips,"  vociferated  Macnab. 

"  And  I  say  patatees,"  vociferated  Murdoch.  "  If 
I  plant  any  thing  but  patatees  may  they  rise  up  and  ate 
me,  instead  of  my  ating  them." 

Macnab  was  on  the  point  of  referring  the  matter  to  me, 
when  he  recollected  that  this  would  be  acknowledging 
my  authority.  So  he  gave  up  to  Murdoch,  who  planted 
his  patatees  in  triumph. 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  69 

One  day  I  desired  my  coachman  to  get  up  the  horses, 
for  a  ride  to  the  neighbouring  village.  But  he  declined 
the  motion,  observing  that  the  principle  of  self-love, 
which  I  had  convinced  him  was  the  groundwork  of  all 
happiness,  prompted  him  to  go  in  the  carriage  himself, 
having  made  a  party  with  the  pretty  chambermaid,  to  the 
fair.  Accordingly,  he  went  to  the  stables  and  ordered 
out  the  horses.  The  stable-boy  demurred  ;  it  appears 
he  also  had  made  a  party  to  the  fair,  and  would  not  give 
up  to  the  coachman.  The  counteracting  principles 
waxed  warm  within  them — they  incontinently  fell  to 
gether  by  the  ears,  and  battered  each  other  till  the  Man 
Machine  was  terribly  disarranged. 

The  inside  of  my  house  was  in  a  worse  state,  if  pos 
sible,  than  the  outside.  There  was  the  mischief  to  pay 
among  the  Women  Machines.  The  authority  of  the 
old  housekeeper  fell  to  the  ground — and  her  long  estab 
lished  system  of  domestic  economy  was  assailed  by  the 
whole  force  of  the  New  View  of  Society.  The  Wo 
men  Machines,  in  fact,  carried  my  master's  first  princi 
ples  to  such  an  extreme  that  they  actually  degenerated 
into  the  counteracting  principles,  and  went  over  to  the 
enemy.  The  principle  of  perfect  equality,  in  their 
hands,  became  self-willed  disobedience — the  principle 
of  a  community  of  goods  became  the  counteracting 
principle  of  helping  themselves  to  whatever  they  wanted 
— and  the  great  fundamental  principle  of  self-love  be 
came  anti-social,  by  the  prevalence  of  my  master's 
grand  counteracting  principle  of  the  centripetal  attrac 
tion.  In  short,  there  was  one  eternal  squabble  in  the 
house,  and  poor  Jeannie,  who  had  never  thoroughly 
come  over  to  the  principle  of  universal  equality  in  all 
things,  almost  fell  a  victim  to  the  sublime  doctrine  of 
perfectibility.  Half  the  time  I  had  no  dinner  cooked, 
and  was  obliged  to  lie  in  an  unmade  bed,  owing  to 
the  predominating  influence  of  the  counteracting  prin 
ciples. 


70  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

"  0  !  man,  man !"  I  sometimes  exclaimed  in  de 
spair — "  and  more  emphatically — O  !  woman,  woman  ! 
— after  all,  I  fear  that  thou  art  nothing  but  a  bundle  of 
counteracting  principles.  But  perseverance  does  won 
ders.  My  master  certainly  made  Men  Machines  per 
fect  at  one  time — I  will  not  despair." 

With  this  resolution  I  set  about  a  reform  as  speedily 
as  possible  ;  for,  to  say  the  truth,  I  found  that  if  we  went 
on  in  this  way  much  longer,  I  should  be  obliged  either 
to  take  up  money  or  starve.  Saving  honest  Murdoch's 
potatoes,  our  crop  this  year  was  nothing.  It  really  ap 
peared,  that  owing  to  some  misunderstanding  or  misappli 
cation  of  my  master's  first  principles,  that  his  perfect  sys 
tem  of  equality  resulted  in  making  everybody  dependent 
exclusively  upon  the  person  whose  duty  it  was  to  perform 
the  particular  office  required.  Thus  I  was  entirely  at 
the  mercy  of  my  cook  for  a  dinner — rny  coachman 
for  a  ride — and  my  housemaids  for  a  new-made  bed. 
This  I  was  satisfied  must  be  the  work  of  the  counter 
acting  principles.  I  will  set  about  counteracting  them 
forthwith. 

I  called  these  refractory  machines  together,  and  lec 
tured  them  on  the  spirit  of  insubordination,  paying  at 
the  same  time  proper  respect  to  the  principle  of  equality. 
I  told  them  that  equality  was,  after  all,  not  the  entire 
absence  of  every  species  of  inequality,  but  such  an 
equality  as  was  consistent  with  a  due  spirit  of  subordi 
nation — that  a  community  of  goods  did  not  mean  the 
right  of  helping  ourselves  to  just  what  we  wanted — that 
the  sublime  principle  of  self-love  was  not  the  love  of 
self,  but  of  society — and  that  the  idea  of  a  man  not  being 
accountable  for  his  opinions  and  actions  only  meant  to 
apply  to  those  opinions  he  might  indulge,  and  those  ac 
tions  he  might  commit,  with  a  due  regard  to  the  laws 
and  customs  of  society. 

"  Och,  murder,"  roared  Murdoch — "  Och,  murder 
and  Irish~our  teacher  has  gone  over  to  the  counter- 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  71 

acting  principles.  Divil  burn  the  New  System  of 
Society,  say  I ;  it  is  nothing  but  the  old  one  in  disguise 
after  all." 

Here  it  will  be  perceived  that  the  counteracting  prin 
ciples  carried  the  Man  Machine  Murdoch  from  one 
extreme  to  the  other.  The  moment  I  talked  to  him  of 
restraining  one  of  my  master's  first  principles,  he  and  al] 
the  rest  of  them  immediately  protested  that  I  abandoned 
my  whole  system.  I  was  almost  tempted  to  believe 
that  if  man  was  a  machine,  it  must  be  a  pendulum, 
which  never  stops  except  at  extremes,  until  it  ceases 
its  motion  entirely. 

Thus  it  happened  with  the  machines  of  my  establish 
ment.  I  could  never  get  them  to  stop  at  the  right  place. 
The  villanous  counteracting  principles  were  always  tug 
ging  at  the  skirts  of  the  men  and  the  petticoats  of  the  wo 
men,  nowpulling  them  over  the  line  this  way,  and  now  that, 
from  one  side  to  the  other,  to  the  total  disarrangement 
of  my  plans,  and  the  downfall  of  perfectibility.  As  I 
proceeded  to  qualify  the  application  of  my  master's  great 
fundamental  principles,  they  all  held  up  their  hands,  and 
raised  their  voices  against  such  unheard-of  restraints  in 
a  perfect  system  of  society. 

<k  Arrah  \:>  exclaimed  orator  Murdoch — "  here's  a 
pretty  kettle  of  fresh  fish  all  turned  salt.  Here's  a 
pretty  attack  on  the  perfectibility  of  man.  Here's  split 
ting  of  hairs  and  philosophizing  people  out  of  their 
liberty.  I'm  for  none  of  his  wishey-washey,  half-and-half 
equality  and  community.  Neck  or  nothing  with  Mur 
doch.  By  St.  Patrick,  who  set  all  the  sarpents  and 
frogs  free  from  old  Ireland,  I'd  rather  be  a  slave  out 
right  than  not  be  as  free  as  a  Mother  Carey's  chicken. 

By  J s,"  added  he,  after  a  pause — "  let's  vote  him 

down.  Here's  six  of  us,  each  equal  to  him — six  to  one 
— all  hollow — vote  him  down — vote  him  down — huzza 
for  the  first  principles,  and  let  every  one  do  as  they 
please." 


72  THE   MAN  MACHINE. 

The  counteracting  principles  carried  all  before  them 
—the  resolution  passed  by  acclamation,  and  I  found 
myself  in  the  situation  of  a  man  who,  in  getting  through 
a  wall,  has  made  a  hole  which  he  can't  stop  again  for 
his  life.  Still  I  did  not  despair,  being  positively  certain 
that  my  master  had  at  one  time  succeeded  in  making 
Men  Machines  perfect,  and  that  what  had  been  done 
might  be  done  again.  I  determined  to  discharge  my 
present  machines  as  incorrigible,  and  collect  a  new  set, 
younger,  and  less  under  the  influence  of  the  counteract 
ing  circumstances.  Calling  them  together,  I  announced 
my  intention  of  dismissing  them,  on  the  score  of  their 
not  comprehending  my  master's  first  principles.  But 
an  unexpected  difficulty  presented  itself,  in  the  shape  of 
a  counteracting  principle,  as  usual. 

Not  one  of  them  would  go  unless  I  consented  to 
make  a  fair  division  of  the  common  property.  With  the 
exception  of  the  old  housekeeper,  who  sighed  for  the 
restoration  of  her  ancient  dominion  over  the  household, 
I  was  deserted  by  all.  They  clamoured  for  a  division 
of  property,  although  I  tried  to  convince  them,  that  as 
they  had  not  contributed  any  thing  to  the  common  fund, 
but  had  spent  twice  as  much  as  they  earned,  they  were 
entitled  to  nothing. 

"  Och,  then,  he  denies  the  sublime  principle  of  equal 
ity,"  cried  Murdoch  ;  "  he  has  fallen  from  the  state  of 
perfectibility.  My  sweet  ones,  what  say  you  ? — let's  vote 
him  out — let's  banish  him  the  community  as  an  outlaw 
— a  white  boy — an  imperfect  machine — a  traitorous 
adherent  to  those  diabolical  villains  the  counteracting 
principles." 

Murdoch's  motion  was  carried  without  opposition, 
except  from  the  housekeeper,  and  yielding  to  the  force 
of  the  counteracting  principles,  I  quietly  went  into  ban 
ishment  at  the  neighbouring  village.  Thus  I  found,  to 
my  no  small  astonishment,  that  the  operation  of  my  mas 
ter's  first  principles,  being  somehow  or  other  got  under 


THE   MAN    MACHINE.  73 

by  the  force  of  the  counteracting  principles,  had  actually 
turned  me  out  of  my  inheritance. 

I  have  said  nothing  of  the  Celtic  Macnab  of  late.  The 
truth  is,  he  seemed  to  join  but  little  in  these  revolutionary 
proceedings.  He  was  generally  either  busy,  or  affecting 
to  be  busy,  elsewhere,  and  kept  himself  perfectly  quiet. 
It  will  be  seen  anon  what  he  was  about  all  this  while. 
At  the  village,  I  was  waited  upon  by  the  minister  of  the 
parish,  who,  hearing  of  my  situation,  came  to  offer  me 
advice  and  consolation.  He  advised  me  to  appeal  to 
the  laws  for  redress.  I  shook  my  head — 

"  That  would  be  giving  up  my  system  entirely." 

"  What  system,  I  pray  ?"  asked  the  old  man. 

"  The  system  of  perfectibility,  as  exemplified  in  my 
master's  New  View  of  Society." 

"  So,  then,  you  believe  in  the  perfectibility  of  man  ?" 

"  Certainly — I  believe  that  if  the  Man  Machine  was 
only  freed  from  that  erroneous  system  of  education 
which  has  prevailed  for  the  last  six  thousand  years — and 
could  escape  the  influence  of  the  counteracting  princi 
ples — he  would  almost,  as  a  matter  of  course,  become  a 
perfect  machine — as  perfect  as  a  steam  engine." 

The  good  man  shook  his  head,  and  smiled  a  melan 
choly  smile — 

"So  then,  you  intend  to  put  up  with  this  wrong,  and 
refrain,  not  only  from  claiming  your  rights,  but  from  pun 
ishing  those  who  have  invaded  them  ?" 

"  Certainly — I  hold  that  as  all  the  miseries,  incon 
sistencies,  and  crimes  of  the  Man  Machine  proceed  from 
the  errors  of  his  early  education,  over  which  he  can  have 
no  control,  it  follows,  as  a  matter  of  course,  that  he  ought 
not  to  be  punished  for  them.  He  can  no  more  help 
them,  than  a  machine  constructed  upon  false  principles 
can  help  going  wrong." 

"  And  you  seriously  believe  the  world  has  been  going 
wrong  ever  since  the  creation,  and  that  you  are  destined 
at  last  to  set  it  going  right  ?" 
7  D 


74  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

"  I  and  my  master." 

44  0  !  the  inordinate  pride  of  human  nature,"  quoth  the 
old  man,  shaking  his  white  locks. 

"  Pooh ! — there  is  no  such  thing  as  human  nature,  or 
any  other  kind  of  nature.  Nature  is  nonsense — an 
absurdity,  a  phantom,  conjured  up  by  folly  and  preju 
dice.  Man,  sir,  is  a  machine — you  might  as  well  talk 
of  the  nature,  the  passions,  the  innate  impulses  of  a 
spinning-jenny,  as  of  a  man." 

"  Your  principles  go  to  the  complete  disorganization 
of  the  present  system  of  society." 

"  To  be  sure  they  do — and  that  is  exactly  what  I 
conceive  constitutes  their  peculiar  excellence.  The 
whole  system  is  radically  wrong,  and  I  and  my  master 
mean  to  set  it  right,  if  we  can  only  baffle  those  scoundrels 
the  counteracting  principles,  and  evade  the  force  of  cir 
cumstances." 

44  But  what  is  there  so  very  wrong  in  the  present  sys 
tem,  that  you  wish  to  overturn  it  ?" 

44  In  the  first  place — people  are  actually  taught  crime, 
and  then  punished  for  it  by  the  operation  of  an  unjust 
system  of  laws.  Now,  sir,  in  order  to  remedy  these 
crying  evils,  I  would  first  put  the  judge  in  place  of  the 
criminal,  and  hang  him,  to  a  certainty.  Then  I  would 
abolish  the  whole  system  of  punishments,  as  unjust  and 
unnecessary — for  nothing  can  be  plainer,  than  that  as 
all  crimes  and  errors  proceed  from  an  erroneous  system 
of  education,  it  is  idle,  and  cruel  at  the  same  time,  to 
make  laws  for  their  punishment." 

44  Then — to  return  to  the  point — you  mean  to  leave 
these  people  in  possession  of  your  estate  \n 

44 1  must — or  abandon  my  system." 

44  Your  estate  is  worth  a  dozen  such  systems." 

44  For  shame,  sir  ! — do  you  value  a  few  paltry  acres 
more  than  the  perfectibility  of  the  Man  Machine "?  I 
never  saw  a  machine  so  completely  under  the  influence 
of  the  counteracting  principles  as  you  are." 


THE   MAN    MACHINE.  75 

We  had  many  similar  conversations,  all  ending  in  the 
same  unsatisfactory  manner.  In  the  mean  time,  my 
honest  friend,  the  Celtic  Macnab,  was  quietly  maturing 
a  plan  to  arrest  in  the  most  effectual  manner  the  per 
fectibility  of  man,  so  far  as  it  depended  upon  myself. 
He  had  represented  me  to  the  proper  authorities  as  a 
mischievous  madman,  going  about  propagating  princi 
ples  that  struck  at  the  whole  existing  institutions  of 
society — an  enemy  to  property,  order,  and  religion.  He 
further  stated  that  I  was  totally  incapable  of  managing 
my  estate,  and  that  it  was  the  duty  of  the  commission  to 
appoint  an  administrator  to  take  it  out  of  the  hands  of 
my  domestics,  who  had  possession,  and  were  wasting  it 
as  fast  as  they  could. 

In  pursuance  of  this  information  I  was  unexpectedly 
taken  into  custody,  and  carried  before  a  commission,  to 
undergo  an  examination.  Macnab  stated  shortly  what  I 
l;ave  heretofore  detailed  to  the  reader,  and  I  was  called  on 
for  an  explanation  of  the  motives  of  my  conduct.  I  de 
tailed,  in  the  clearest  manner,  the  first  principles  of  the  New 
View  of  Society,  and  stated  the  grand  objects  my  master 
and  I  had  in  view  in  thus  attempting  to  overturn  the 
whole  system  of  the  world.  I  never  was  so  eloquent  be 
fore  or  since.  But  the  machines  constituting  the  com 
mission  of  inquiry  were  sadly  out  of  order,  and  the  vile 
counteracting  principles  were  too  strong  for  my  argu 
ments.  They  pronounced  me  mad,  although  I  proved 
to  them  that  a  man  could  not  possibly  be  made  account 
able  for  his  opinions  ;  and  appointed  honest  Macnab  ad 
ministrator  to  my  estate. 

I  was  carried  to  a  neighbouring  city,  and  placed  in  a 
lunatic  asylum.  I  made  no  resistance,  for  I  was  satisfied 
they  could  not  place  me  among  a  set  of  people  more  mad 
than  those  I  had  just  left.  Nay,  a  sudden  hope  dawned 
upon  me,  that  I  might  possibly  in  time  introduce  my 
New  System  of 'Society  among  the  machines  of  the 
asylum.  Accordingly,  one  day,  when  all  the  most  quiet 
D2 


76  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

and  manageable  among  us  were  amusing  ourselves  in 
the  enclosure  appointed  for  that  purpose,  I  took  an  op 
portunity  of  laying  down  my  master's  first  principles. 
Contrary  to  my  expectations,  there  was  a  decided  oppo 
sition  to  the  principle  of  equality,  as  well  as  that  of  a 
community  of  goods. 

"  Shall  I,  who  am  Alexander  the  Great,  sink  to  a  level 
with  Alexander  the  coppersmith  1"  cried  one. 

"  Shall  I,  who  have  written  verses  ten  thousand  times 
superior  to  Milton,  or  Homer,  twaddle  arm-in-arm 
through  Grub-street  with  Croly  and  Mrs.  Hemans  ?" 
cried  another. 

"  Arid  shall  I,  who  have  made  the  Apocalypse  as 
clear  as  noonday,  grovel  on  the  same  level  with  the  ex 
pounder  of  a  Chinese  puzzle  ?'  exclaimed  a  third. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  demonstrated  the  grand  prin 
ciple  of  perpetual  motion,  acknowledge  an  equality  with 
a  mere  inventor  of  steam  engines  ?"  roared  a  fourth. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  completed  a  canal  to  connect 
the  Icy  Sea  with  the  North  Pole,  degenerate  into  an 
equality  with  an  Irish  ditcher  2"  roared  a  fifth. 

"  And  shall  I,  who  have  invented  a  New  System  of 
Society,  to  supersede  law,  gospel,  crime,  and  punish 
ment,  be  placed  on  the  same  shelf  with  such  fellows  as 
Moses,  Solon,  Peter  the  Great,  Napoleon  Bonaparte, 
James  Madison,  and  Jeremy  Bentham?"  roared  a 
sixth. 

You  are  the  man  for  my  money,  thought  I.  I  will 
make  you  treasurer  of  the  Society,  which  I  have  ob 
served  is  always  the  favourite  office  of  great  reformers 
and  philanthropists.  I  could  almost  have  persuaded 
myself  that  this  was  my  master  speaking,  but  it  proved 
to  be  a  poor  fellow,  who  in  the  sequel  demonstrated  that 
he  had  not  above  half  his  discretion.  Before  I  could 
proceed  to  enforce  my  doctrines  by  some  of  my  mas 
ter's  best  arguments,  the  counteracting  principles  began 
to  play  away  finely.  The  indignation  of  the  whole 
t; 


THE   MAN    MACHINE.  77 

party  fell  upon  me,  whom  they  looked  upon  as  a  level 
ler,  a  democrat,  a  radical,  who  wished  to  deprive  them 
of  their  just  claims  to  superiority. 

Alexander  the  Great  seized  perpetual  motion  by  his 
thin  spindle  leg,  with  which  he  proceeded  to  serve  me  as 
he  had  done  old  Clytus.  and  run  me  through  with  his 
javelin.  The  poet  thundered  forth  an  anathema  that 
beat  that  of  Ernulphus,  or  even  one  of  Lord  Byron's 
best  curses,  quite  hollow — the  expounder  of  the  Apoca 
lypse  pronounced  me  the  beast  with  seven  heads  and  ten 
horns — the  lawgiver  proceeded  to  a  breach  of  his  own 
laws,  by  knocking  me  on  the  head  with  a  corn-stalk — 
the  internal  improvement  man  threatened  to  make  me 
read  all  that  had  ever  been  written  on  the  subject — and 
the  champion  of  the  New  System  forfeited  all  claim  to 
the  office  I  had  destined  for  him  by  seizing  me  by  the 
collar,  and  demanding  whether  I  dared  to  question  the 
eternal  truth,  that  no  man  was  justly  accountable  for  his 
opinions. 

The  uproar  brought  out  the  keepers,  who,  having 
traced  its  origin  in  the  promulgation  of  my  New  Sys 
tem  of  Society,  immediately  placed  me  in  solitary  con 
finement.  Here  I  had  full  leisure  to  reflect,  and  to 
mature  my  plans  for  the  perfectibility  of  mankind. 
What  a  world  is  this,  thought  I,  and  to  what  has  it  been 
brought  by  the  erroneous  system  of  the  last  six  thou 
sand  years  !  It  has,  I  fear,  entirely  unfitted  mankind 
for  any  thing  like  a  state  of  perfectibility.  Neither  men 
in  their  senses  nor  men  out  of  their  senses  are  willing  to 
adopt  the  New  System,  which  seems  like  the  unlucky 
tailor's  coat,  that  fitted  nobody.  I  had  many  tight  argu 
ments  with  the  keeper  who  had  me  in  charge,  and  who 
was  sadly  under  the  influence  of  the  counteracting  prin 
ciples.  I  could  never  convince  him  that  the  world  had 
been  going  completely  wrong  ever  since  the  creation, 
that  all  mankind  were  in  error,  and  my  master  alone 
right.  He  insisted  the  first  was  a  reflection  upon  Provi- 


78  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

dence,  and  that  it  was  entirely  contrary  to  reason  that 
one  man  should  be  so  much  wiser  than  all  the  rest  put 
together.  I  have  indeed  observed  that  reason  is  always 
in  the  way  of  us  great  reformers,  and  have  often  heard 
my  master  say  it  was  one  of  the  strongest  counteracting 
principles  he  had  to  deal  with.  There  was  another  ob 
stacle  always  in  his  way,  which  he  called  a  "  circum 
stance,"  namely,  the  experience  of  mankind,  which  my 
master  swore  was  the  most  obstinate  blockhead  in  the 
world. 

I  remained  in  this  state  of  solitary  abstraction  for 
about  a  month,  during  which  my  enthusiasm  in  behalf 
of  the  New  System  of  Society  somewhat  abated.  I 
had  all  the  zeal  in  the  world,  but  had  no  ambition  to  be 
come  a  martyr.  At  the  end  of  the  month,  the  visiter, 
a  benevolent  physician,  came  to  examine  into  the  cases 
of  these  unfortunate  beings.  He  visited  me,  and  we 
had  a  long  conversation,  in  which  I  studiously  abstained 
from  the  doctrines  of  the  New  System  of  Society.  I 
considered  that  no  \nari  was  bound  to  sacrifice  himself 
to  a  theory  ;  and  that,  at  all  events,  I  c6uld  do  nothing 
to  propagate  the  perfectibility  of  man  while  thus  shut  up 
from  all  communion  with  my  fellow-creatures.  It  was 
impossible  to  reform  society  from  the  inside  of  a  mad 
house.  The  doctor  was  surprised  at  my  rationality, 
and  seemed  inclined  to  report  me  as  being  perfectly  re 
stored,  when,  unfortunately,  happening  to  differ  with  him 
in  some  point,  I  apologized,  by  observing  that  no  man 
was  accountable  for  his  opinions  or  actions  in  this 
world. 

"  Good-day,  my  friend,"  replied  the  doctor,  bowing 
almost  to  the  ground,  with  great  gravity — "  I  am  afraid 
you  are  not  quite  cured  yet,"  and  away  he  went.  I 
could  have  bit  off  my  tongue,  and  made  a  solemn  reso 
lution  not  to  say  a  single  syllable  about  the  Man  Ma 
chine — the  perfectibility  of  man — the  counteracting  cir- 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  79 

cumstances,  or  any  such  matters,  the  next  time  the 
doctor  came. 

At  the  end  of  a  month  the  visiter  came  again,  and  I 
conducted  myself  with  such  discretion  that  he  immedi 
ately  procured  an  order  from  the  trustees  of  the  asylum 
for  my  release.  The  keeper,  as  he  bade  me  farewell, 
warned  me  against  perfectibility,  and  I  was  very  near 
being  shut  up  again  for  cautioning  him  against  the  coun 
teracting  principles.  Without  losing  any  time  I  bent 
my  steps  towards  my  estate,  with  a  design  of  bringing 
the  Celtic  Macnab  to  a  reckoning,  for  procuring  me  to 
be  shut  up  in  a  madhouse.  When,  however,  I  came  to 
recollect  that  all  the  errors,  inconsistencies,  vices,  and 
crimes  of  the  Man  Machine  originated  in  his  being  set 
going  wrong  at  first,  by  an  erroneous  system  of  educa 
tion,  and  that  he  could  not,  in  strict  justice,  be  called  to 
account  for  his  opinions  or  actions,  I  determined  to  treat 
him  in  the  most  friendly  manner.  We  accordingly  had 
an  amicable  meeting,  in  which,  in  discussing  the  subject 
of  the  New  View  of  Society,  he  observed,  that  the  Old 
World  was  not  the  proper  sphere  for  trying  the  experi 
ment.  Old  habits,  old  errors,  and  old  establishments, 
were  difficult  to  change  or  pull  down.  It  was  in  the 
wide  space  of  the  New  World,  where  there  was  plenty 
of  elbow-room  to  give  it  a  fair  trial,  and  where  habits, 
manners,  and  opinions  had  not  attained  to  that  rigidity  of 
muscle  which  renders  them  unalterable,  that  it  was  un 
doubtedly  destined  the  experiment  should  completely 
triumph.  He  also  casually  mentioned  that  my  old  mas 
ter  had  already  made  arrangements  for  the  grand  experi 
ment,  and  had  sailed  for  the  New  World. 

I  caught  at  the  idea — and  after  some  little  discussion, 
such  was  my  impatience  to  follow  my  master,  agreed 
with  Macnab  to  leave  him  in  quiet  possession  for  a  sum 
of  money  which  hardly  amounted  to  two  years'  pur 
chase.  It  was  a  good  estate,  although  my  people, 
yielding  to  the  force  of  the  counteracting  principles,  had 
dilapidated  it  sadly.  Macnab  had  turned  them  all  out 


80  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

except  the  old  housekeeper,  who  still  maintained  her 
rank  and  her  authority.  I  know  not  what  became  of 
the  rest,  only  that  orator  Murdoch  took  a  trip  to  Botany 
Bay,  for  acting  too  largely  upon  my  master's  grand 
principle  of  a  community  of  goods.  I  went  to  bid  the 
good  old  parson  farewell. 

"  You  are  going  on  a  wild  goose  chase,"  said  he. 

'*  Yes — but  people  sometimes  catch  wild  geese." 

"  Much  oftener  than  perfectibility." 

"Ay — ay,"  said  I,  good-humouredly — "you  par 
sons  can't  bear  the  idea  of  perfectibility,  because  it 
would  put  down  your  calling." 

He  answered  my  smile — 

"  Well,  go  thy  ways  for  an  odd  Man  Machine.  Thou 
wilt  one  day  discover  that  Providence  is  wiser  than  thou 
art — farewell.  Tell  me  how  you  get  on  in  the  New 
World — when  your  community  becomes  quite  perfect, 
send  for  me.  I  will  come  to  show  you  that  we  parsons 
are  not  afraid  of  perfectibility." 

As  I  was  going  away  he  called  me  back. 

"  Stay,  friend  perfectibility,"  said  he,  merrily.  "  Thou 
mayst  want  some  person  to  certify  for  thee  in  the  New 
Wrorld,  that  thou  art  not  quite  as  mad  as  a  March  hare. 
I  will  give  thee  a  letter  to  an  American,  formerly  a  fel 
low-student  of  mine  at  Edinburgh,  who  will  befriend 
thee,  if  necessary." 

He  then  sat  down,  and  in  a  few  minutes  finished  a 
letter  which  he  gave  me,  directed  to  Mr.  Robert  Ashley, 
at  Bristol,  Pennsylvania. 

*•  Full  of  anticipations,  I  went  down  to  a  neighbouring 
seaport,  and  embarked  for  the  New  World,  where  I  ar 
rived,  after  a  short  passage,  without  any  accident  or  event 
worth  recording.  During  the  passage,  I  had  some  con 
versations  on  the  New  View  of  Society  with  an  old  sailor, 
whom  I  attempted  to  bring  over  to  my  master's  theory. 

At  last,  however,  he  cut  me  short  by  "  d g  his  eyes  if 

he  believed  there  was  any  way  to  make  a  man  perfect, 
except  by  making  a  perfect  sailor  of  him." 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  81 

There  was,  however,  a  fellow-passenger  on  board 
whom  I  found  to  be  more  reasonable,  and  less  under  the 
dominion  of  the  counteracting  principles.  We  had  fre 
quent  discussions  on  the  subject,  and  I  opened  to  him 
all  my  plans  without  reserve,  not  omitting  the  sum  of 
money  I  had  with  me  to  invest  in  the  perfect  commu 
nity.  He  became  a  complete  convert  to  the  New  View 
of  Society,  and  we  agreed  to  co-operate  zealously  in  the 
great  work  of  perfectibility.  We  went  to  live  at  the 
same  lodgings,  where  we  digested  a  plan  of  operations 
for  the  future.  The  second  day  after  landing,  he  came 
to  me,  to  say  that  by  a  great  piece  of  ill  luck  the  mer 
chant  on  whom  he  had  a  credit  for  a  large  sum  was  out 
of  town,  and  could  not  supply  him  with  funds. 

"  But  I  should  not  have  minded  that  so  much,"  said 
he,  "  except  that  another  merchant,  to  whom  I  am  in 
debted  in  part  of  this  money,  insists  on  my  paying  him 
immediately.  Now  all  I  want  is  for  you  to  advance  me 
the  sum,  till  the  day  after  to-morrow,  when  the  person 
on  whom  my  bills  are  drawn  will  be  in  town." 

He  offered  to  show  me  the  bills,  but  on  second 
thoughts,  had  left  them  with  the  merchant's  clerk.  The 
sum  he  wanted  was  nearly  all  I  was  worth  in  the  world, 
but  I  lent  it  with  as  little  hesitation  as  my  friend  bor 
rowed  it.  He  then  left  me  to  go  and  pay  the  debt  he 
spoke  of,  desiring  me  to  have  dinner  ready  at  four 
o'clock,  when  he  would  certainly  be  back.  But  four 
came  without  my  friend,  and  hour  after  hour  passed 
without  his  appearing.  The  dinner  grew  cold,  for  I 
had  no  inclination  to  eat — not  that  I  was  uneasy  about  my 
money,  but  my  friend.  I  was  afraid  that  his  simplicity 
had  been  imposed  on,  or  that,  like  me,  he  might  have  been 
mistaken  for  a  madman,  and  put  in  a  lunatic  asylum.  A 
week  passed  away  without  my  seeing  him,  during  which 
time  the  remainder  of  my  money  had  disappeared 
also.  I  began  to  grow  uneasy — and  one  day  took  a 
solitary  walk  in  the  environs  of  the  city,  to  reflect  on 
D3 


82  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

my  situation,  and  ponder  on  the  mysterious  disappear 
ance  of  my  friend.  What  was  my  joy,  on  turning  round 
a  short  corner,  to  meet  him  face  to  face,  when  I  least 
expected.  I  was  rejoiced  to  see  him,  but  I  cannot  say 
that  he  appeared  to  share  my  raptures. 

44  My  dear  Man  Machine,"  cried  I,  "  I  am  so  de 
lighted  to  meet  you  again — I  was  afraid  they  had  put 
you  in  a  madhouse  for  believing  in  perfectibility.  By- 
the-way — I  have  spent  every  farthing  of  my  money,  and 
will  thank  you  to  let  me  have  what  I  lent  you." 

44  What !  in  a  community  where  all  things  are  to  be  in 
common  1  You  forget  the  New  View  of  Society,"  said 
he,  with  a  sort  of  sneer  I  did  not  like. 

44  Yes,  but  the  system,  you  know,  is  not  yet  in  opera 
tion." 

44  No  matter,  the  principles  on  which  it  is  founded  are 
eternal  and  immutable,  sir.  If  a  community  of  goods 
is  right  in  one  case,  it  is  right  in  another.  Your  money 
is  gone." 

44  You  don't  say  so,"  said  I,  in  great  dismay. 

44  Gone,  sir — I  have  considered  myself  as  acting  up 
to  the  sublime  principles  of  the  New  System,  by  distrib 
uting  it  among  the  community,  upon  the  just  basis  of 
mutual  wants  and  mutual  conveniences.  The  tailor 
has  some  of  it — the  jeweller — the  hatter — the  tavern- 
keeper — has  each  his  share  :  but  the  last  guineas  went 
for  a  couple  of  dozen  Bingham  wine,  which  would  do  your 
heart  good  even  to  smell  at.  You  shall  come  this 
blessed  day  and  help  crack  a  bottle — hey !  my  fine 
piece  of  perfectibility !" 

44  So,  then,  you  have  spent  all  my  money  ?" 

"  Your  money  ?  my  dear  friend,  you  again  forget  the 
sublime  doctrines  of  the  New  System  of  Society.  You 
have  only  to  consider  each  of  these  persons  who  have 
received  a  share  of  your  money  as  members  of  our 
community,  and  you  will  acknowledge  that  it  could  not 
possibly  belong  to  you." 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  83 

'*  I  believe  you  are  a  great  rascal." 

«'  My  dear  friend,  how  can  you  make  that  out  1*' 

"You  have  cheated  me  of  my  money." 

"  My  good  friend,  you  are  certainly  under  the  do 
minion  of  the  counteracting  principles,  if  ever  a  man  was 
in  this  world.  But  suppose,  for  the  sake  of  argument, 
that  I  had  defrauded  you  of  your  money.  What  then — 
am  I  to  blame  1" 

"  Who  else,  in  the  name  of  common  sense  1 " 

"  Don't  mention  common  sense,  I  beseech  you — it 
has  nothing  to  do  with  the  New  System  of  Society.  We 
must  try  the  question  by  our  great  master's  first  princi 
ples." 

"  Agreed." 

"  Well,  then,  can  you  deny  that  all  the  errors,  incon 
sistencies,  and  crimes  of  the  Man  Machine  for  the  last 
six  thousand  years  may  be  traced  in  a  direct  line  to  the 
absurd  and  mischievous  system  of  education  which  has 
prevailed  all  that  time." 

"  No." 

"  Very  well — and  can  you  deny  the  immortal  and 
immutable  truth  of  the  great  principle  of  perfectibility, 
that  no  man  can  be  justly  held  responsible  for  his  opin 
ions  or  his  actions  1" 

"  I  do  not  deny  it." 

"  Very  well ;  then  answer  me,  thou  rickety,  addle- 
pated,  imperfect  machine,  whether,  even  supposing  I  had 
actually  defrauded  you  of  your  money,  I  am  to  be 
blamed  for  it  ?  You  must  blame  the  erroneous  system 
of  society,  and  if  you  punish  anybody,  it  must  be  my 
parents,  who  did  not  take  sufficient  care  to  put  down  the 
rascally  counteracting  principles." 

"  And  you  think  yourself  justified  on  these  grounds  ?" 

"  Certainly,  certainly — besides,  it  was  my  opinion 
that  if  I  did  not  rid  you  of  your  money,  somebody  else 
would  that  might  not  make  as  good  us©  of  it ;  and  the 
sublime  circumstance  of  self-love,  which,  you  know,  is 


84  THE   MAN   MACHINE. 

the  basis  of  all  social  duties,  prompted  me  to  give  the 
preference  to  myself.  You  at  least  cannot  blame  me 
for  acting  up  to  first  principles." 

"  First  principles  !  If  the  truth  were  known,  these  are 
nothing  but  my  master's  great  enemies  the  counteract 
ing  principles." 

"They  are  the  principles  of  perfectibility." 

"  They  are  the  principles  of  the  d 1,  who,  it  is  said, 

can  even  quote  Scripture  to  his  purpose." 

"  My  dear  machine,  how  can  you,  a  perfect  man,  talk 
about  such  antiquated  stuff  as  the  Scriptures.  Don't 
you  know  they  are  entirely  unnecessary  to  the  perfect 
state  ?" 

"  I  don't  know,"  cried  I,  in  despair  ;  "  I  know  no 
thing,  I  believe." 

"  There  now  you  may  pass  muster  in  your  master's 
great  community.  To  know  nothing,  and  to  be  con 
scious  of  it,  is  the  most  perfect  state  of  the  Man  Ma 
chine."  Then  assuming  all  the  air  of  a  mentor,  he 
added, 

"  Look'e,  Mr.  Harmony,  I  will  give  you  a  piece  of 
advice,  which,  if  you  follow  it,  will  be  worth  more  than 
all  your  money,  so  that  we  shall  be  quit,  at  all  events. 
The  next  time  you  meet  with  a  stranger,  don't  attempt 
making  him  a  convert  to  principles  that  will  not  only 
justify  his  borrowing  your  money  without  ever  paying, 
but  picking  your  pocket  into  the  bargain."  So  saying, 
he  marched  off  at  a  long  trot,  and  presently  disappeared 
in  the  great  wilderness  of  houses. 

I  was  now  left  destitute  in  a  strange  land,  and,  what 
was  most  provoking  of  all,  as  it  were,  by  the  operation 
of  my  master's  first  principles,  which  now  for  the  first 
time  I  began  to  distrust  not  a  little.  What  to  do  I  knew 
not,  for  I  had  been  so  used  to  be  told  every  day  what  to 
do,  and  to  do  every  day  the  same  thing,  that  I  was  a  per 
fect  inanimate  machine,  so  far  as  respected  the  total 
absence  of  the  principle  of  self-government.  I  stood 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  85 

with  my  hands  in  my  breeches-pockets,  I  dare  say  with 
a  most  rueful  expression  of  face,  when  suddenly  I  felt 
the  letter  of  the  worthy  old  parson  crumpled  between 
my  fingers.  As  the  last  resort,  I  determined  to  go  and 
deliver  it  to  Mr.  Ashley,  and  claim  his  good  offices.  He 
lived  a  considerable  distance  from  the  city,  but  being  a 
man  well  known,  I  soon  got  a  direction  to  his  country- 
seat. 

In  the  morning,  I  was  about  getting  into  a  stage  with 
my  trunk,  when  the  master  of  the  house  came  up  with 
very  little  ceremony,  or  rather  none  at  all,  and  presented 
me  a  bill.  I  began  to  talk  about  the  first  principles,  the 
community  of  goods,  and  the  New  View  of  Society. 
But  this  was  one  of  the  most  intractable  machines  I 
ever  had  to  do  with.  He  told  me  his  first  principle  was 
to  get  his  money,  if  he  could — his  second  to  send  his 
boarders  to  jail,  when  they  ran  in  debt  without  being  able 
to  pay.  These  sounded  to  me  very  much  like  some  of 
my  master's  old  enemies,  the  counteracting  principles. 
But  the  truth  is,  I  began  to  be  so  confused  about  principles 
that  I  could  hardly  tell  one  from  another.  Be  this  as 
it  may,  I  was  carried  to  prison,  when,  according  to 
one  of  my  master's  first  principles,  the  landlord  who 
applied  for,  and  the  magistrate  who  granted,  the  com 
mitment,  ought  to  have  been  put  there  in  my  place. 
Here  I  was  admitted  into  a  society  which  came  nearer  to 
my  master's  New  View  than  any  thing  1  ever  saw  before 
or  since.  Here  all  were  equal,  and  there  was  a  perfect 
community  of  goods,  each  man  borrowing  from  his 
neighbour  without  ever  thinking  of  payment.  They  all 
moreover  agreed  perfectly  in  laying  the  blame  of  all  the 
evils  they  had  suffered,  and  all  the  faults  they  had  com 
mitted,  to  the  errors  of  their  education,  and  were  equally 
unanimous  in  declaiming  against  the  injustice  of  legal 
punishments.  I  verily  believe  there  was  not  one  of 
them  that  would  not  have  come  most  heartily  into  my 
master's  idea  of  a  community  of  goods  throughout  the 
8 


86  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

whole  world.  Indeed,  I  thought  our  community  in 
some  respects  preferable  to  that  of*  my  master,  seeing  we 
had  nothing  to  do,  and  had  the  best  possible  chance  for 
perfectibility,  being  removed  from  the  temptations  of 
this  world,  and  out  of  the  reach  of  the  counteracting 
principles.  We  had  iron  bars  and  double  doors  to  keep 
the  villains  out. 

Notwithstanding  some  symptoms  of  ennui,  which  be 
gan  to  creep  over  me,  I  felt  myself  so  comfortable  that 
I  hardly  knew  whether  to  be  glad  or  sorry,  when  one 
day  a  gentleman  was  ushered  into  my  room  who  an 
nounced  himself  as  Mr.  Ashley." 

"  I  lately,"  said  he,  "  received  a  letter  from  an  old 
friend  of  yours  and  mine,  who  says  he  gave  you  one  to 
me,  and  inquires  whether  I  have  seen  you.  Being  in 
town  upon  some  business,  I  thought  I  would  look  you 
out ;  and  after  some  little  tracing,  found  you,  where 
I  am  very  sorry  to  see  you,  sir." 

"  I  have  nothing  to  reproach  myself  with,  and  very 
little  to  complain  of,"  said  I.  "  Our  society  here  ap 
proaches  tolerably  close  to  the  New  View,  and  the  men 
come  as  near  to  the  state  of  perfect  machines  as  any  I 
have  seen,  except  my  master  and  myself." 

He  looked  at  me  with  a  mixture  of  pity  and  wonder. 

"  I  am  glad  you  have  been  so  comfortable  here.  But, 
at  all  events,  I  hope  you  will  have  no  objection  to  go 
home  with  me  for  a  little  time.  I  have  paid  your  small 
debt,  and  though  our  society  may  not  be  quite  so  per 
fect  as  this,  I  hope  you  will  be  able  to  tolerate  it." 

There  was  an  honest  freedom,  mingled  with  hearty 
kindness,  about  Mr.  Ashley  that  won  my  confidence, 
and  after  some  little  struggle  with  myself  I-  agreed  to 
accompany  him  home.  His  establishment  was  large, 
and  he  had  about  him  a  number  of  workmen  and  la 
bourers.  But  I  regretted  to  see  that  he  had  made  little 
or  no  advance  in  the  great  plan  of  perfectibility.  He  paid 
no  regard  to  the  system  of  perfect  equality,  except  so  far 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  87 

as  the  administration  of  justice  required,  and  the  grand 
principle  of  a  community  of  goods  was  entirely  ban 
ished.  Instead  of  treating  his  men  and  women  like 
machines,  he  actually  put  them  on  the  footing  of  rational 
beings,  accountable  for  their  actions,  forgetting  entirely 
that  these  proceeded  from  an  erroneous  system  of  edu 
cation,  over  which  they  had  no  control  whatever.  He 
laughed  at  the  idea  of  entirely  banishing  idleness,  pov 
erty,  and  crime,  and  of  course  the  necessity  of  punish 
ment,  by  means  of  any  system  ever  yet  invented.  As 
to  the  counteracting  principles,  he  went  so  far  as  to  say 
that  this  was  a  phrase  invented  by  my  master,  who,  by 
giving  new  names  to  old  things,  had  sought  to  screen 
the  absurdity  of  his  new  system  from  the  eyes  of  the 
ignorant. 

Nevertheless,  Mr.  Ashley  was  a  shrewd,  clear-sighted 
man,  who  had  seen  much,  read  much,  and  reflected 
much  in  the  course  of  his  life.  Like  all  the  well-edu 
cated  Americans  I  have  seen,  he  had  those  practical 
notions  of  liberty  that  are  essential  to  its  existence,  and 
which  only  the  habitual  enjoyment  of  it  can  thoroughly 
implant  in  the  mind.  When  the  rational  inhabitants  of 
the  New  World  speak  of  freedom  and  equality,  they  mean 
nothing  more  than  the  privilege  of  making  their  own 
laws,  and  an  equality  of  civil  and  religious  rights.  "  The 
first  right  of  a  people,"  said  Mr.  Ashley  to  me  in  one 
of  our  discussions — "the  first  right  of  a  people  is  that 
of  making  their  own  laws — their  first  duty  is  to  obey 
them.  They  and  the  magistrates  who  administer  them 
are  the  only  sovereigns."  This  is  a  sentiment,  I  may 
say  a  habit,  with  the  Americans ;  and  I  often  have 
had  occasion  to  observe  that  one  of  the  last  things 
they  think  of  is  resisting  laws  assented  to  by  their  own 
peculiar  legislature.  My  friend  and  I  had  long  and 
frequent  arguments  upon  the  advantages  of  the  old  and 
new  systems,  for  though  he  was  my  benefactor,  I  was 
determined  not  to  give  up  to  him  on  that  account. 


88  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

"  Your  master,  as  you  call  him,"  said  Mr.  Ashley  to 
me,  one  day  that  I  had  advanced  the  doctrine  of  per 
fectibility — "your  master  appears  to  consider  all  the 
vices  and  crimes  of  mankind  as  proceeding  from  igno 
rance." 

"  Certainly,"  said  I,  "  they  are  the  necessary  and 
inevitable  consequences  of  ignorance,  as  my  master 
affirms." 

"  As  an  abstract  proposition,  and  taken  in  its  broadest 
sense,  it  is  probably  true.  Could  we  conceive  the  idea 
of  any  being,  but  the  Omnipotent  alone,  gifted  with  per 
fect  knowledge,  that  being  would  probably  be  free  from 
all  vice.  Perfect  knowledge  presupposes  a  perfect  con 
viction  of  the  futility  of  indulging  the  passions,  except  to 
the  extent  in  which  they  are  essential  to  the  existence 
of  the  grand  system  of  the  universe.  Perfect  know 
ledge,  or  wisdom,  would  know  that  inordinate  lust,  ava 
rice,  ambition,  gluttony,  selfishness,  envy,  malice,  re 
venge,  and  all  those  passions  which  lead  to  the  commis 
sion  of  crime,  were  in  fact  sources  of  misery,  repent 
ance,  and  despair.  It  would  therefore,  having  this  per 
fect  conviction,  abstain  from  the  criminal  indulgence  of 
these  passions." 

"  I  am  happy,"  said  I,  "  that  you  are  a  convert  to 
one  of  my  master's  first  principles  at  least." 

"  In  its  abstract,  not  in  its  application.  I  consider 
it,  when  applied  to  man,  as  a  preposterous  absurdity." 

"As  how?" 

"  Because  it  can  never  apply  to  him  to  the  extent 
necessary  to  your  first  principle.  It  must  be  perfect 
wisdom,  or  the  argument  falls  to  the  ground." 

"  But  do  you  not  believe,  that  in  proportion  as  we 
lose  our  ignorance  we  recede  from  vice  ?" 

"  Indeed,  I  do  not.  In  the  main,  I  do  believe  that 
the  acquisition  of  knowledge,  unless,"  said  Mr.  Ash 
ley,  smiling,  "  it  meets  with  one  of  your  master's  coun 
teracting  principles,  is  favourable  to  virtue.  But  he 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  89 

must  be  little  acquainted  with  the  world,  as  it  has  been, 
and  as  it  is,  not  to  be  convinced,  that  in  the  scale  of 
virtue  there  is  little  difference  between  knowledge  and 
ignorance,  except  in  the  refinement  with  which  the  one, 
and  the  grossness  with  which  the  other,  indulges  its 
vices.  Generally  speaking,  ignorance  is  not  the  fault 
of  mankind,  but  their  misfortune.  It  would  therefore 
impeach  the  justice  of  Providence  to  suppose  they  were 
the  worse  on  that  account." 

'*  Here,  at  least,"  said  I,  eagerly,  "  you  have  ad 
mitted  one  of  my  master's  first  principles.  You  say 
that  ignorance  is  generally  not  the  fault  but  the  misfor 
tune  of  mankind.  Is  not  this  acknowledging  what  my 
master  affirms,  that,  as  no  man  directs  his  early  educa 
tion,  so  no  man  can  justly  be  accountable  for  his  opin 
ions  or  his  actions  ?" 

"  Indeed,  it  is  not.  What  I  find  fault  with  in  your 
master's  first  principles  is,  that  though  they  are,  a  great 
many  of  them,  such  as  have  been  admitted  by  the  writers 
on  morals  and  metaphysics,  yet  until  now  they  were 
never  carried  to  that  mischievous  extent  of  practical  ap 
plication,  which  I  consider  the  defect,  I  might  almost 
say  the  wickedness,  of  your  master's  system.  Con 
sider  what  would  be  the  result  of  the  application  of  your 
principle  of  non-accountability.  A  perfect  latitude  of 
crime,  and  a  complete  freedom  from  punishment — the 
absence  of  all  restraints  of  conscience  or  law." 

"  But  where  would  be  the  harm,  if  the  Man  Machine 
was  perfect?"  • 

"  Neither  you  nor  your  master  have  a  right  to  ask  the 
question  until  you  make  them  so." 

"  But  you  will  admit  that  if  they  were  perfect,  there 
would  be  no  harm  in  it  ?" 

"  Certainly — only   make   them   perfect,  and  I  will 
become  a  convert  to  the  New  System." 
i     "  Only  give  us  time,  and  you  will  see  it  all  come 


90  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

about.  All  that  is  necessary  is  to  get  rid  of  the  rascally 
counteracting  circumstances." 

"  0  certainly — there  I  agree  with  you  perfectly,"  said 
Mr.  Ashley,  smiling.  "  But  as  time  is,  you  acknow 
ledge,  necessary  to  make  man  perfect,  what  is  to  be 
come  of  society  in  the  mean  while,  when  all  the  re 
straints  of  accountability  and  punishment  are  thus  sus 
pended  ?  It  will  fall  into  a  state  of  nature,  if  there  ever 
was  such  a  thing — a  perfect  anarchy — a  dissolution 
will  take  place." 

"  My  dear  friend,  that  is  just  what  we  want.  If  we 
could  only  dissolve  the  present  state  of  society,  and 
produce  a  perfect  chaos,  we  would  then  begin  ab  ovo, 
as  my  master  says,  and  do  what  we  pleased  afterward 
in  remodelling  it. 

"  But  to  return,"  continued  I,  "  to  the  inseparable 
connexion  between  vice  and  ignorance.  You  don't  be 
lieve  in  it?" 

"  Let  me  answer  you  by  another  question,  in  our 
Yankee  fashion.  Which  are  most  free  from  vice,  chil 
dren  or  grown  people  ?" 

"  Why,  children,  to  be  sure." 

"And  which  have  most  knowledge,  children  or 
men  V 

"  Why,  men,  to  be  sure." 

"  Then  how  can  ignorance  be  the  sole  cause  of 
vice  r 

Mr.  Ashley,  seeing  me  rather  posed,  went  on. 

"My  good  friend,  be  assured  the  great  error  of  all 
system-makers  is,  that  of  ascribing  to  one  cause  what  is 
the  result  of  the  operation  of  many.  Degrees  of  vice 
are  not  to  be  measured  by  degrees  of  ignorance — nor 
does  the  mere  teaching  of  what  is  right  furnish  any  ab 
solute  guarantee  for  acting  rightly.  There  are  a  thou 
sand  temptations  assailing  us,  from  which  all  the  know 
ledge  that  will  ever  fall  to  the  lot  of  man  can  be  but  an 
inadequate  defence." 


THE   MAN   MACHINE.  91 

u  That  is  owing  to  the  intervention  of  the  rascally 
counteracting  principles." 

"  Call  them  what  you  will,"  said  Mr.  Ashley, 
"  names  do  not  alter  things,  nor  can  all  thy  master's 
jargon  about  principles  and  circumstances  disguise  the 
passions  and  appetites  of  human  nature  from  those  who 
are  not  governed  by  mere  words.  It  is  indeed  a  happy 
circumstance  that  the  morals  of  mankind  do  not  depend 
upon  the  understanding  of  metaphysical  distinctions, 
else  I  fear  there  would  be  little  of  morality  in  this 
world." 

"  Then,"  said  I,  after  a  pause,  "  you  do  not  believe 
in  the  influence  of  knowledge  at  all  1" 

"  Pardon  me,"  said  he,  "  I  believe  it  has  great  influ 
ence,  and  that  to  know  our  duties  is  essentially  neces 
sary  to  the  practice  of  them.  It  is,  to  a  certain  extent, 
indispensable  to  the  maintenance  and  enjoyment  of  that 
freedom  which  is  the  basis  of  national  prosperity  and 
happiness.  If  to  know  what  is  right  is  essential  to 
practice,  it  is  still  more  essential  to  the  enjoyment  of 
our  rights  that  we  should  know  in  what  they  consist. 
This  cannot  be  known  without  education.  All  I  deny 
is,  that  human  knowledge  will  suffice  to  the  total  pre 
vention  of  crimes,  or  obviate  the  necessity  of  penal 
statutes  and  punishments." 

"  Punishments  !"  said  I ;  "  my  master  allows  of  no 
thing  of  this  kind.  He  has  proved  that  punishment  is 
not  only  cruel,  but  entirely  ineffectual  in  the  prevention 
of  crime." 

"As  howl" 

"  Why,  because,  notwithstanding  these  punishments, 
crimes  are  committed  every  day,"  said  I. 

"  Ah  !  that  is  your  master's  usual  mode  of  drawing 
conclusions.  Because  punishments  do  not  prevent 
crime  entirely,  he  concludes  that  they  are  of  no  effect 
whatever.  Because  they  don't  do  every  thing,  it  fol 
lows  in  his  system  that  they  do  nothing.  He  sees  that 


92  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

crimes  are  committed  in  spite  of  the  punishment ;  but 
only  Omniscience  can  see  how  many  others  are  re 
frained  from,  in  the  apprehension  of  the  punishment 
that  awaits  them.  In  good  truth,  my  friend,  of  all  thy 
master's  absurdities,  and  truly  they  are  manifold,  the 
absurdity  of  dispensing  with  punishments  altogether,  be 
cause  those  already  denounced  are  insufficient  for  the 
total  prevention  of  crime,  is  the  greatest.  It  is  as  if  a 
parent  should  say  to  a  wayward  and  obstinate  child, 
4  Go  thy  ways,  and  do  as  thou  pleasest ;  I  find  ten 
stripes  will  not  prevent  thee  from  transgressing,  there 
fore  I  will  not  increase  them  to  twenty,  but  let  thee  off 
hi  future  without  any  punishment  at  all.' " 

"  But  my  master  relies  upon  the  force  of  habit,  the 
absence  of  temptation,  and  the  hope  of  reward,"  said  I. 

"  My  good  friend,  thy  master  relies  upon  insufficient 
securities.  The  force  of  habit  is  strong,  I  allow,  but 
where  is  thy  master's  surety  that  men  will  not  adopt  bad 
habits  as  well  as  good  ?" 

.  "The    absence    of  all  temptation   to   do  evil,"  re 
plied  I. 

"  My  friend,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley,  "  where  there  are 
temptations  to  do  good  there  will  be  temptations  to  do 
evil.  They  are  coeval,  coexistent,  and  inseparable." 

"  But  we  are  to  have  neither  temptation  to  one  nor  the 
other — temptation  is  to  be  banished  entirely." 

"  Then  what  becomes  of  the  hope  of  reward — is  not 
that  a  temptation  to  do  good  ?  But  be  assured  that  re 
wards  will  not  do  alone  in  this  world  without  the  aid  of 
punishments.  You  may  punish  a  man  for  committing  a 
crime,  but  it  would  be  impossible  for  society,  under  any 
view,  new  or  old,  to  reward  all  persons  for  abstaining 
from  it.  But  even  if  society  had  the  means,  how  is  it 
to  arrive  at  a  knowledge  of  the  degree  of  temptation 
resisted,  of  the  degree  of  virtuous  forbearance  exer 
cised,  so  as  to  proportion  the  reward  to  the  resistance  ? 
It  would  be  confounding  all  degrees  of  virtue  to  reward 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  93 

all  alike,  and  it  would  be  arrogating  to  ourselves  the 
omniscience  of  the  Supreme  Being,  to  pretend  to  dis 
criminate  between  the  temptations  and  forbearance  of 
all  those  who  abstain  from  the  commission  of  crime. 
Solon,  one  of  the  wisest  of  lawgivers,  ancient  or  mod 
ern,  has  said,  that  in  order  to  make  men  virtuous  you 
must  allure  them  by  rewards,  and  deter  them  by  pun 
ishments.  All  legislators  have  proceeded  upon  these 
principles.  Is  thy  master  wiser  than  the  wisest  of  all 
ages  ?  To  me  it  appears  that  his  system,  so  far  from 
indicating  superior  wisdom,  is  founded  in  a  total  practi 
cal  ignorance  of  man ;  and  a  complete  misapplication 
of  the  little  abstract  knowledge  he  possesses." 

"  Then  you  deny  that  the  hope  of  reward  operates  in 
favour  of  virtue  'I"  said  I. 

"  Indeed,  not  I.  I  only  deny  that  it  is  sufficient  in 
itself  to  restrain  the  passions  of  mankind — I  find  fault 
only  with  thy  master  for  affirming  it  to  be  so.  A  per 
fect  system  can  no  more  be  made  out  of  a  single  princi 
ple  like  this,  than  a  perfect  man  could  be  made  with 
only  one  leg.  Thy  system  has  but  half  a  leg,  in  truth." 

Here  I  observed  that  I  thought  my  mister  at  least 
sincere  and  disinterested  in  his  plans  for  improving  the 
happiness  of  the  human  family,  and  that  however  he 
might  be  led  astray  by  an  unlimited  application  of  his 
firstr  principles,  his  object  at  least  should  shelter  him 
from  ridicule. 

"  Why,  I  don't  know,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley  ;  "  a  good 
intention  certainly  goes  far  to  sanction  a  reasonable  de 
gree  of  theoretical  absurdity.  But  when  such  absurdi 
ties  strike  at  the  root  of  the  whole  frame  of  society,  and 
in  their  operation  go  to  unsettle  the  very  fundamental 
principles  of  religion,  morals,  and  government,  the  au 
thor  of  them  becomes  Ferce  JVa/wrce — a  sort  of  com 
mon  enemy,  whom  it  is  lawful  to  run  down,  either  by 
reason  or  ridicule,  whichever  may  be  most  efficacious. 
Now,  my  good  friend,  I  believe  the  sage  Don  Quixote 


94  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

was  the  last  man  that  ever  seriously  undertook  to  fight 
with  a  windmill ;  except  it  may  be  that  I  am  somewhat 
liable  to  a  similar  imputation,  in  having  seriously  at 
tempted  to  battle  with  thy  master's  first  principles.  To 
oppose  fanaticism,  or  uncloak  hypocrisy,  by  serious  ar 
gument,  is  a  hopeless  task,  because  the  former  neither 
reasons  nor  listens  to  reason,  and  the  latter  is  always 
too  interested  to  become  a  convert.  I  do  not  doubt  thy 
master's  sincerity,  although  he  talks  a  little  too  much,  I 
think,  about  increase  of  profit,  pecuniary  gain,  and  such 
like  worldly  matters,  which  slip  out  occasionally ;  but 
whether  sincere  and  disinterested  or  not,  he  has  no  right 
to  demand,  nor  you  either,  that  because  he  is  serious, 
others  must  of  necessity  be  serious  too.  Goodness  of 
intention,  like  charity,  covers  a  multitude  of  sins — but 
a  good  intention  can  only  be  known  to  Him  who  Searches 
all  hearts,  while  its  evil  consequences  may  be  estimated 
by  every  rational  being.  It  would  be  making  error  per 
petual  to  approach  it  on  all  occasions  with  a  most  pro 
found  and  reverential  gravity.  Such  is  indeed  the  in 
firmity  of  our  nature,  that  what  is  often  impenetrable  to 
reason,  and  invincible  to  persecution  and  torture,  is 
brushed  away  by  the  light  feather  of  ridicule  in  a  single 
moment.  There  is  another  good  practical  reason  for 
using  this  weapon  in  cases  like  the  present.  Errors 
and  mischievous  absurdities  are  best  put  down  by  the 
good  sense  and  good  feeling  of  the  people,  excited  and 
awakened  by  addresses  to  both.  This  excitement  is  to 
be  produced  either  by  verbal  arguments  or  by  printed 
publications,  which  last,  to  be  of  any  service,  must  be 
read.  Now,  hundreds  will  read  a  book  that  makes 
them  laugh,  where  one  will  read  a  book  that  only  makes 
him  wise.  I  never  expect  to  attack  thy  master's  first 
principles  in  a  book,  but  I  claim  the  privilege  of  laugh 
ing  at  them  when  I  please,  notwithstanding  your  gravity. 
I  hope  you  will  take  it  in  good  part,  for  I  promise  you 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  95 

that  in  some  ages  and  countries  your  master  would  not 
have  been  let  off  with  a  laugh." 

These  arguments  were  renewed  almost  every  day, 
and  I  confess  that  each  one  contributed  in  some  degree 
to  unsettle  for  a  moment  my  faith  in  the  New  View  of 
Society.  But  though  weakened  I  was  not  overcome, 
and  I  exulted  from  time  to  time  in  detecting  Mr.  Ashley 
in  what  I  supposed  inconsistencies  and  contradictions. 

"  If  I  understand,"  said  I  one  day,  "  you  deny  my 
master's  first  principle,  that  any  character  may  be  given 
to  a  community,  or  to  the  world  at  large,  by  means 
which  are  in  the  power  and  at  the  command  of  those 
who  influence  human  affairs  V1 

"  I  do,  as  usual,"  replied  Mr.  Ashley,  "  to  the  ex 
tent  to  which  he  carries  it." 

"  Then  you  deny  the  influence  of  power,  wealth, 
talent,  superstition,  corporeal  strength  ;  in  short,  what 
ever  has  enabled  men  to  obtain  an  influence  over  na 
tions,  and  to  modify  their  systems  of  government  V1 

"  My  good  friend,  it  appears  to  me  the  pupils  of  per 
fectibility  have  a  very  imperfect  mode  of  understanding 
argument.  You,  for  example,  seem  to  suppose  that  I 
deny  every  thing  you  advance,  because  I  don't  assent  to 
every  thing.  I  believe  if  I  were  to  deny  that  this  was  a 
bright  sunshiny  day,  merely  because  it  rains,  you  would 
take  me  up  as  affirming  there  was  no  such  thing  as  sun 
shine  in  this  world.  Here,  as  usual,  your  master's  propo 
sition  is  true  to  a  certain  extent ;  but  to  affirm  that  the 
character  of  a  community  entirely  depends  on  its  rulers, 
or,  in  other  words,  *  those  who  influence  human  affairs,' 
is  running  into  an  extreme,  and  all  extremes  are  absurdi 
ties.  This  would  be  making  man  a  machine  at  once, 
to  be  set  in  motion  entirely  at  the  will  or  caprice  of  an 
other.  I  certainly  believe  in  the  very  weighty  influence 
of  rulers  and  lawgivers  ;  but  I  don't  believe  all  of  them 
put  together  could  make  the  native  of  Lapland  or  Kam- 
schatka  an  Italian  amateur  of  the  fine  arts,  any  more 


06  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

than  I  believe  a  pig  could  be  brought  to  prefer  wiping 
his  nose  with  a  cambric  handkerchief  by  the  influence  of 
either  his  master's  precepts  or  example.  I  have  seen 
a  learned  pig,  it  is  true ;  but  his  scholarship  originated 
in  a  proper  distribution  of  rewards  and  punishments, 
both  which  your  master  discards  from  his  new  system. 
That  power,  wealth,  virtue,  and  genius  give  certain 
men  great  influence  in  the  formation  of  the  community 
in  which  they  live  is  certain.  But  there  are  a  thousand 
other  '  circumstances,'  as  your  master  would  call  them, 
either  aiding  or  counteracting  this  influence,  and  modify 
ing  habits,  manners,  and  opinions.  Your  master  is  only 
wrong  here,  as  he  generally  is,  in  ascribing  all  to  the 
influence  of  man,  and  leaving  nothing  to  those  more 
powerful  instruments  wielded  by  Providence.  He  ap 
pears  to  deal  in  none  but  secondary  causes." 

Proceeding  in  the  discussion  of  my  master's  first 
principles,  we  at  length  came  to  the  community  of  goods, 
the  perfect  equality,  and  the  great  axiom  that  nothing 
was  necessary  to  supersede  the  whole  complicated  sys 
tem  of  education,  government,  and  religion,  but  the 
proper  understanding  of  the  great  truth,  that  self-love 
and  social  are  the  same.  In  discussing  these  points 
Mr.  Ashley  observed — 

**  That  the  object  of  my  master  in  making  a  perfect 
equality,  and  a  community  of  goods,  two  of  the  funda 
mental  principles  of  his  system,  appeared  to  be  that  of 
withdrawing  from  his  Men  Machines  three  of  the  great 
sources  of  injustice  and  crime  among  mankind  ;  to  wit, 
ambition,  avarice,  and  envy.  But  the  idea  of  so  per 
fect  a  system  of  equality,  so  perfect  a  community  of 
every  thing,  as  would  place  people  out  of  the  reach  of 
the  operation  of  these  passions — " 

"  Counteracting  principles,  if  you  please." 
"Well,    counteracting  principles,   then,"    said   Mr. 
Ashley,  good-naturedly  :  "  the  idea,  I  say,  is  absurd  and 
preposterous.     There  is  an  inequality  in  nature,  if  no- 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  97 

where  else,  which  is  beyond  the  control  of  systems  and 
theories  ;  and  even  admitting  there  were  not,  unless  you 
could  produce  a  perfect  equality  in  that  estimation  in 
which  men  hold  the  good  things  of  this  world,  it  would 
be  impossible  to  prevent  them  from  envying  some  one 
or  other — from  indulging  a  desire  to  appropriate  what 
is  not  their  own,  and  to  control  the  opinions  and  actions 
of  their  fellows.  In  short,  you  must  place  man  in  the 
grave  before  you  can  place  him  beyond  the  reach  of  the 
pass — I  beg  pardon,  the  counteracting  principles.  But 
were  it  even  possible  to  introduce  and  sustain  for  any 
length  of  time  so  perfect  an  equality,  as  that  all  should 
be  precisely  on  a  footing  with  regard  to  worldly  goods 
and  worldly  sources  of  enjoyment,  I  fear  there  would 
not  be  the  less  play  of  the  little  and  malignant  passions. 
Experience,  which  is  a  surer  guide  than  the  vagaries  of 
sanguine  or  deluded  theorists,  has  convinced  me  that  it  is 
precisely  in  this  state  of  perfect  equality  that  these  igno 
ble  passions  are  most  excited,  and  most  mischievously, 
for  the  happiness  of  the  community.  My  observation 
has  taught  me  that  those  who,  are  far  above,  or  far  be 
low,  or  far  distant  from  us  in  any  respect  are  seldom  the 
objects  of  our  envy  or  jealousy.  But  even  if  they  should 
become  so,  they  are  placed  beyond  the  reach  of  their 
daily  effects.  It  is  among  our  equals  and  companions, 
those  who  rival  us  in  our  favourite  pursuits — who  cross 
our  paths  in  the  attainment  of  what  we  most  ardently 
covet — who  share  with  or  deprive  us  of  the  gratification 
of  some  long-sought  good  or  pleasure — it  is  towards 
these  that  the  malignant  passions  are  most  frequently  and 
most  bitterly  excited.  People  so  circumstanced  are 
perpetually  coining  into  conflict  with  each  other  in  the 
attainment  of  those  objects  which,  in  any  state  of  society 
I  have  everbeen  acquainted  with,  must  and  will  constitute 
our  most  powerful  excitements.  These  petty  rivalries, 
so  far  from  being  diminished,  only  rage  the  more  venom 
ously  where  people  are  cooped  up  in  a  small  space, 
9  E 


98  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

and  crowded  together  under  the  immediate  eye  of  the 
dispenser  of  honours  and  rewards.  Proximity  is  to  the 
passions  what  oil  is  to  the  fire  ;  it  makes  them  rage 
ten  times  more  furiously.  They  will  be  found  to  ope 
rate  in  a  narrow  and  confined  sphere  much  more  ac 
tively,  incessantly,  and  vehemently  than  out  in  the  broad 
space  of  the  great  world,  where  there  is  such  a  vast 
variety  of  pursuits,  and  so  much  elbow-room  for  all,  that 
the  passions  seem  to  lose  their  force  and  malignity  by 
expansion.  There  are  so  many  temptations  and  inter 
ests,  each  pulling  a  different  way,  and  each  in  turn  exer 
cising  a  momentary  influence,  that  the  mind  is  in  a  vast 
many  cases  saved  from  the  worst  of  all  tyrannies,  that 
of  a  ruling  passion,  the  source  of  most  of  the  crimes  and 
excesses  that  blot  the  history  of  the  human  race." 

Mr.  Ashley  was  no  better  pleased  with  my  master's 
great  principle,  '*  that  all  that  was  necessary  to  the  per- 
iection  of  society  was  self-love  properly  understood." 

"  Like  all  the  rest  of  your  master's  principles,"  said 
he,  "  it  is  alike  absurd  and  dangerous  in  its  application, 
by  being  carried  to  an  extreme.  Besides,  it  is  refining 
too  much.  Mankind  are  not  to  be  governed  by  meta 
physical  niceties,  and  it  is  especially  dangerous  to  at 
tempt  to  make  that  the  foundation  of  all  virtue  which 
has  ever  been  considered  the  foundation  of  all  vice.  In 
the  language  and  perceptions  of  ordinary  people,  self-love 
is  synonymous  with  the  total  absence  of  all  the  social 
duties  ;  and  the  danger  of  inculcating  it  as  the  basis  of 
social  happiness  is,  that  you  may  persuade  them  that 
excessive  social  indulgences  are  not  only  allowable,  but 
praiseworthy.  With  ordinary  minds,  I  imagine  it  will 
be  difficult  to  make  out  a  clear  comprehension  of  the 
difference  between  that  self-love  which  seeks  its  fruition 
in  the  indulgence  of  the  selfish  passions,  and  that  which 
finds  it  in  administering  to  the  happiness  of  others.  The 
latter,  the  ignorant,  at  least,  would  be  much  more  apt  to 
call  self-denial,  rather  than  self-love  ;  and  I  should  have 


THE    MAN    MACHINE.  99 

been  much  better  pleased  with  your  master's  system 
had  he  condescended  to  administer  to  their  comprehen 
sion  by  giving  it  a  name  they  can  understand." 

"  But  my  master's  system  is  addressed  to  the  wise, 
instead  of  the  ignorant.  There  will  be  no  such  thing 
as  ignorance  in  the  new  system  of  society.  We  are  all. 
to  be  philosophers." 

"  What !  a  community  of  philosophers  !  That  is  but 
another  name  for  bedlam.  And  philosophers  too,  pass 
ing  the  greater  portion  of  their  time  at  the  spinning- 
jenny,  the  loom,  and  the  steam  engine.  The  school  of 
Socrates  certainly  was  nothing  to  this.  No  doubt  you 
will  all  be  perfect  in  time." 

"  Ay,  sir,  perfect  Men  Machines." 

"  I  have  no  doubt  of  it,"  said  my  friend  dryly. 

"  But,"  said  I,  "  we  are  not  to  be  always  learning 
philosophy  and  metaphysics  at  the  spinning-jenny  ;  we 
are  to  be  taught  all  the  moral  duties,  that  is  to  say,  the 
children — and  instructed  in  their  exercise  at  the  play 
ground.  There,  under  the  superintendence  of  sage 
Mentors,  the  little  candidates  are  to  be  initiated  into  all 
the  mysteries  of  the  proper  application  of  the  great 
fundamental  principle  of  self-love." 

Mr.  Ashley  shook  his  head. 

"  My  good  friend,  there  is  a  time  for  all  things — a 
time  for  play  and  a  time  for  instruction.  If  you  make 
the  plays  of  children  a  medium  for  inculcating  either 
morals  or  knowledge,  they  cease  to  be  recreations,  they 
become  tasks,  and  the  whole  end  and  object  of  plays,  to 
wit,  relaxation  of  mind  and  wholesome  exercise  of  body, 
is  lost.  You  may  teach  children  to  forget  they  are  hun 
gry  by  play — but  neither  philosophy  nor  morals,  I  ima 
gine,  are  to  be  learned  at  children's  plays,  which  essen 
tially  consist,  and  in  fact  derive  their  principal  excite 
ments  from  the  strife  of  strength,  skill,  courage,  swift 
ness  of  foot,  or  some  other  physical  qualities.  Besides, 
if  you  are  to  make  philosophers  by  play,  it  is  essential 
E2 


100  THE    MAN    MACHINE. 

that  they  should  play  nearly  the  whole  time,  and  then 
what  becomes  of  the  spinning-jenny  and  the  common 
fund  ?" 

"  Then,"  replied  I,  in  great  vexation,  "  you  don't 
believe  in  a  single  one  of  my  master's  first  princi 
ples  ?» 

"  Not  to  the  extent  to  which  he  carries  their  opera 
tion.  Every  one  of  them,  in  my  opinion,  is  practically 
false." 

"  Nor  in  the  force  of '  circumstances  ?'  " 

"  Certainly,  if  you  mean  the  temptations  of, this  life." 

"  My  good  sir,  I  mean  no  such  nonsense." 

"  What  then  do  you  mean  ?" 

"  Why — the — the — force  of  circumstances. — And  I 
suppose  you  deny  that  the  counteracting  principles  are 
the  greatest  rascals  in  the  world  ?" 

"  If-  you  mean  the  passions,  I  do  not  deny  it." 

"  Pshaw !  I  beg  pardon,  but  you  talk  nonsense. 
There  is  no  such  thing  as  passions  in  my  master's  New 
Yiew  of  Society." 

"  That  may  be,  but  this  don't  prove  they  have  no 
existence." 

"  You  believe,  in  short,  that  the  present  state  of  so 
ciety  cannot  be  improved  ?" 

"  There  you  go  again  — because  I  don't  believe  it  can 
be  made  perfect,  you  make  me  say  it  cannot  be  im 
proved.  I  think  it  may  be  greatly  improved,  but  not  by 
such  reformers  as  your  master.  His  system  may  in 
crease  the  amount  of  productive  labour — it  may,  to  use 
his  own  words,  produce  to  the  administrators  of  a  com 
munity  of  this  kind,  4  a  large  increase  of  pecuniary 
gain,  preserve  the  body  in  a  good  working  condition, 
and  enable  one  woman  to  do  the  work  of  twenty .'*  If 
this  is  perfectibility,  then  you  will  undoubtedly  be 
perfect." 

These  arguments,  and  a  variety  of  others,  Mr.  Ashley 

*  See  "  New  View  of  Society,"  for  similar  expressions. 


THE    MAN   MACHINE.  101 

from  time  to  time  brought  forward  against  my  mas 
ter's  now  system,  I  confess,  undermined  for  a  time  my 
firm  reliance  upon  its  practicability.  By  degrees  I  aban 
doned  all  present  thoughts  of  joining  the  new  associa 
tion  of  which  I  saw  flaming  accounts  in  the  public  pa 
pers,  and  begged  Mr.  Ashley  to  procure  me  some  em 
ployment. 

"  With  all  my  heart,"  said  he  ;  "  what  are  you  fit  for  ? 
Can  you  plough  1" 

"  No,  sir — but  I  can  tend  a  spinning-jenny," 

**  Can  you  mow  ?" 

«  No." 

"Thrash?" 

"  No." 

"  Plant  corn  V9 

"  No." 

"  Make  cider  ?" 

«  No." 

"  Have  you  learned  any  trade  ?" 

"  No — except  tending  a  spinning-jenny." 

"  Can  you  handle  an  axe  1" 

«  No." 

"  A  spade  ?" 

"  No." 

"  Do  you  know  when  to  plant,  when  to  gather  in 
harvest,  and  at  what  season  to  perform  the  different 
operations  of  rural  economy  V9 

"  No  ;  all  seasons  were  alike  with  us,  and  there  was 
a  time,  not  for  all  things,  but  for  one  thing  only,  watch 
ing  the  spinning-jenny.  But  I  dare  say  I  can  learn — 
try  me,  sir." 

Accordingly,  I  went  into  the  fields  with  Mr.  Ashley, 
to  assist  in  some  light  labours  of  the  field,  but  I  made  a 
poor  hand  of  it.  One  day  he  set  me  to  driving  a  cart, 
and  found  me  about  an  hour  afterward,  standing  before 
the  wheel,  watching  till  it  should  begin  to  go  round,  like 
a  spinning-jenny.  From  time  to  time  he  tried  me  at 
other  occupations  ;  but  I  know  not  how  it  was,  I  could 


102  THE    MAN   MACHINE. 

never  get  on,  for  want  of  the  inspiring  din  and  clatter 
ing  wheels  of  the  cotton  machinery,  and  was  either 
found  quite  becalmed  in  the  fields,  or  watching  the  mo 
tion  of  a  water-wheel,  belonging  to  a  mill  upon  the 
estate.  At  length,  however,  Mr.  Ashley  hit  upon  an 
expedient  that  partly  answered  the  purpose  of  setting 
my  machinery  going.  He  procured  a  machine  called  in 
America  a  horse-fiddle,  which  was  placed  on  a  pole  in 
the  field  where  I  was  to  be  employed.  So  long  as  that 
went,  I  went ;  but  when  the  weather  was  calm,  the  fiddle 
stopped,  and  so  did  I.  The  people  about  laughed  at 
me  most  unmercifully,  but  I  was  delighted  with  the  ex 
periment,  which  demonstrated  entirely  to  my  satisfac 
tion  that  I  had  become  a  perfect  Man  Machine.  In 
fact,  I  became  more  than  ever  a  convert  to  my  master's 
new  system,  and  nothing  could  afterward  shake  my  con 
viction  of  the  perfect  ease  with  which  the  perfectibility 
of  man  might  be  attained,  if  we  could  only  get  rid  of 
"  the  circumstances,"  and  their  confounded  abetters  the 
rascally  "  counteracting  principles." 

But  not  even  the  consciousness  of  superiority  can 
sustain  a  man  for  any  length  of  time  against  the  ridicule 
of  all  around  him.  I  began  to  be  tired  of  Mr.  Ashley, 
and  he,  I  believe,  became  quite  tired  of  me,  finding  I 
was  proof  against  his  sophistry.  It  one  day  chanced  to 
fall  out  that  I  came  across  the  sublime  theory  of  the 
CONCENTRIC  SPHERES,  which  struck  me  exceedingly. 
I  determined  at  once  to  leave  Mr.  Ashley,  and  as  I  had 
become  convinced  that  the  outside  crust  of  this  world 
was  not  fitted  for  my  master's  theory,  nor  my  master's 
theory  for  it,  decided  to  try  the  experiment,  and  see  what 
the  inside  would  do  for  us. 

"  Where  art  thou  going,  my  good  friend  1"  said  Mr. 
Ashley. 

"  To  search  for  the  perfectibility  of  man,  among  the 
Concentric  Spheres." 

"Right, thou  wilt  find  them  together,  I'll  warrant  thee." 
And  thus  we  parted.  THE  REST  YOU  KNOW. 


STORY 

OF 

THE  SECOND  WISE  MAN  OF  GOTHAM. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 


MY  brother  Harmony  (said  Mr.  Quominus,  the 
second  Wise  Man  of  Gotham),  has  fallen  a  sacrifice 
to  the  perfectibility  of  man  ;  I,  on  the  contrary,  am  a 
martyr  to  the  Perfection  of  Reason.  I  was  born  in  a 
country  where  they  have  sufficient  wisdom  to  make  their 
own  laws,  but  not  quite  enough,  as  it  would  seem,  to 
understand  them  afterward.  In  order  to  remedy  this 
singular  inconvenience  they  resorted  to  a  method  equally 
singular  and  original.  They  enlisted  the  wise  men  of 
other  nations  in  their  behalf;  and  justly  considering  that 
it  was  quite  a  sufficient  effort  of  human  wisdom  for  one 
country  to  make  its  own  laws,  they  determined  to  resort 
to  another  for  their  interpretation.  Accordingly,  they 
made  a  vast  number  of  laws,  believing  they  could  not 
have  too  much  of  a  good  thing,  and  then  sent  beyond 
sea  to  get  them  explained.  In  a  couple  of  hundred 
yearsj  these  explanations,  being  all  carefully  recorded  in 
books,  amounted  to  upwards  of  three  thousand  volumes, 
of  goodly  size,  each  containing  upon  an  average,  one 
hundred  contradictory  interpretations  of  different  wise 
men.  Such  a  mass  of  wisdom,  and  such  a  variety  of 
opinions,  supported  by  such  unanswerable  arguments, 
never  got  together  under  the  same  roof  in  this  world. 
Some  very  aged  persons,  who  had  lived  long  enough  to 
get  about  half  through  this  invaluable  collection,  discov 
ered  that  it  was  like  the  sermon  that  suited  any  text,  and 
the  text  that  suited  any  sermon — for  every  man  could 
E3 


106        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

find  in  it  a  decision,  or  at  least  an  opinion,  to  suit  his 
purpose.  A  system  so  supported  on  all  sides,  by  all 
sorts  of  opinions,  certainly  merited  the  honour  of  being 
called  a  science ;  and  such  a  science  as  certainly  de 
served  a  respectable  name.  It  was  accordingly  aptly 
denominated  THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON,  because  it 
furnished  every  man,  however  different  his  opinions 
might  be,  with  reasons  in  support  of  them. 

In  addition  to  this  great  requisite  of  every  perfect  sys 
tem,  namely,  that  it  should  suit  everybody — this  accu 
mulation  of  contradictory  opinions,  it  was  affirmed,  pos 
sessed  another  irresistible  claim  to  the  dignified  appella 
tion  it  had  obtained.  It  cannot  be  denied,  said  the  ad 
mirers  of  this  science,  that  although  the  laws  are  ex 
pressly  devised  to  settle  such  disputes,  or  conflicting 
claims,  as  might  otherwise  occasion  a  resort  to  force, 
still  it  is  never  the  intention  of  a  wise  legislator,  that 
people  should  actually  appeal  to  them  for  this  purpose. 
They  are  merely  to  be  held  up  in  terrorem,  or  rather 
like  buoys,  to  float  on  the  surface  of  society,  for  the 
purpose  of  warning  mankind  of  the  shoals  and  quick 
sands  below.  In  this  point  of  view,  then,  it  is  apparent, 
that  the  more  intricate  and  inconsistent  the  laws,  and 
the  more  various  and  contradictory  their  interpretations, 
the  greater  delay  and  expense  there  will  be  found  in  set 
tling  appeals  to  them,  and  consequently  the  number  of 
law-suits  be  greatly  diminished.  Thus,  when  the  laws 
become  perfectly  unintelligible  they  are  absolutely  perfect, 
for  then  nobody  in  their  senses  will  go  to  law,  and  the 
science,  will  do  its  duty  after  the  manner  of  a  scarecrow, 
which  frightens  the  birds  from  the  corn,  merely  by  flour 
ishing  its  unintelligible  rattle.  Thus  you  see,  that  no 
other  name  than  that  of  the  perfection  of  reason  could 
possibly  have  suited  this  excellent  science. 

In  addition  to  the  singular  happiness  of  being  born  in 
a  country  governed  according  to  the  perfection  of  rea 
son,  I  was  brought  up  under  an  uncle  (my  father  dying 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        107 

when  I  was  quite  a  child),  who  adored  the  law,  and 
might  be  said  never  to  have  had  any  other  mistress. 
He  was  a  bachelor,  of  competent  estate,  but  rather  in 
different  education — he  was  better  fed  than  taught ;  and 
when  I  say  he  could  read,  and  write,  and  cipher  a  little, 
I  go  as  far  as  strict  biographical  veracity  will  warrant. 
He  was  without  a  profession,  rich,  and  a  bachelor. 
Such  a  man  has  but  one  chance  for  happiness  in  this 
world — he  must  get  unto  himself  a  hobby,  and  ride  away 
as  if  the  sheriff  was  at  his  heels.  To  trace  a  man's 
hobby  to  its  first  cause  is  like  searching  for  the  source 
of  the  Niger.  Yet  I  think  I  can  account  for  that  of 
my  uncle.  He  had  gained  possession  of  a  large  part 
of  his  property  by  a  law-suit,  and  ever  after  held  law  to 
be  the  perfection  of  reason,  while  the  honest  gentleman 
who  lost  the  estate  held  it  in  utter  abhorrence.  The 
suit  lasted  nineteen  years,  at  the  expiration  of  which, 
there  was  found  a  great  flaw  in  the  defendant's  title. 
He  had  no  more  money,  and  no  man  ever  successfully 
appealed  to  the  perfection  of  reason  with  an  empty 
pocket. 

From  this  time  it  was  his  great  delight  to  attend  the 
courts,  where,  as  he  used  to  affirm,  with  surprising  satis 
faction,  they  sometimes  nearly  argued  his  head  off  his 
shoulders,  and  so  confounded  his  notions  of  the  distinc 
tions  between  right  and  wrong,  that  he  could  hardly  tell 
the  difference,  until  he  went  home  and  looked  over  the 
,en  commandments.  I  remember  the  delight  with 
which  he  related  a  case  he  had  read  in  some  book  of 
reports,  where  a  man  tried  on  a  confession  of  murder 
was  acquitted  by  the  jury,  under  the  express  direction  of 
the  judge,  because  the  charge  set  forth  that  he  com 
mitted  the  murder  outside,  whereas  it  appeared  in  evi 
dence  that  it  was  done  inside,  of  a  certain  door.  An 
other  time  he  fell  into  an  ecstasy  at  a  decision  which  he 
always  held,  to  the  day  of  his  death,  to  be  the  most  ex 
quisite  specimen  of  nice  legal  distinction  he  had  ever 


108        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

met  with  in  the  whole  course  of  his  life.  It  seems  a 
fellow  had  been  caught  with  a  bundle  of  counterfeit  notes, 
which  the  indictment  set  forth  was  found  in  his  right 
breeches-pocket,  when  it  appeared  in  evidence  it  was 
taken  from  his  left  breeches-pocket.  "  After  three  days' 
hard  argument,  the  court  decided,"  said  my  good  uncle, 
rubbing  his  hands — "  they  decided  that  the  prosecutor 
had  mistaken  the  locus  in  po,  or  the  hocus  in.  quo" — my 
uncle,  as  I  said  before,  was  no  scholar — "  and  therefore 
the  prisoner  must  be  acquitted."  Had  the  law  never 
done  any  thing  else  but  make  this  distinction  between 
a  man's  pockets,  it  would,  in  his  opinion,  have  fully 
merited  its  title  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  "  It  is 
worth  while  to  go  a  thousand  leagues,"  would  he  say, 
44  to  find  out  how  little  the  actual  commission  of  a  crime 
has  to  do  with  the  real  matter  of  fact,  in  the  eye  of  the 
perfection  of  reason.  It  is  all  settled  by  the  hocus  in 
quo — which  I  suppose  is  what  we  call  hocus-pocus  in 
English."  Like  a  vast  many  ignorant  people,  he  mis 
took  quibbling  subtlety  for  deep  reasoning — the  art  of 
confounding  with  that  of  enlightening  the  understanding 
— incomprehensibility  for  clearness,  and  perplexity  for 
wisdom — forgetting,  or  rather  never  having  discovered, 
that  true  wisdom  is  perfect  simplicity. 

The  good  gentleman,  however,  almost  exclusively 
confined  his  idolatry  to  the  common  law.  He  consid 
ered  it,  not  only  the  perfection  of  reason,  but  the  wis 
dom  of  ages.  Nothing,  indeed,  could  equal  his  admira 
tion  of  the  common  law,  except  his  thorough  contempt 
for  statute  and  civil  law.  If  he  could  have  had  his  will 
he  would  have  outlawed  the  statutes,  and  made  it  capital 
to  read  Justinian.  Mercy  upon  us  !  how  he  would  rail 
at  Caius,  Ulpian,  Papinian,  Tribonian,  and  the  rest  of 
the  civil  law  gentlemen,  whom  he  called  by  no  other 
name  than  pettifoggers  of  the  forum.  Not  that  he  knew, 
or  ha  d  ever  read  a  word  of  either  of  these  writers.  His 
contempt  was  perfectly  gratuitous — it  was  the  homage 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        109 

of  ignorance  at  the  shrine  of  prejudice.  Next  to  his 
veneration  for  the  common  law  was  his  profound  respect 
for  English  judges  confounding — I  beg  pardon,  ex 
pounding  it.  Even  their  contradicting  themselves 
every  day  did  not  alter  his  opinion  that  they  were  the 
only  inspired  high-priests  of  the  perfection  of  reason. 
Towards  the  judges  and  jurists  of  other  countries  he 
looked  rather  askew,  believing  that  human  reason  never 
attained  to  any  tolerable  degree  of  perfection  out  of  the 
three  kingdoms  ;  and  that  a  French,  Italian,  German, 
or  Dutch  judge  knew  no  more  about  managing  the 
common  law  than  they  did  about  boxing,  or  any  other 
abstruse  science.  But  of  all  the  judges,  past  or  pres 
ent,  he,  like  most  ignorant  people,  held  those  of  his  own 
<5buntry  the  cheapest,  for  divers  reasons.  He  main 
tained  that  they  either  had  no  opinions  of  their  own,  or 
were  afraid  to  assert  them.  That  they  were,  in  fact, 
little  better  than  instruments  in  the  hands  of  subtle  law 
yers,  or  mere  echoes  of  the  decisions  of  others.  He 
once  went  so  far  as  to  swear  he  could  teach  a  parrot  to 
retail  the  decisions  of  his  betters,  and  thus  make  a  capi 
tal  judge  of  him,  for  his  gravity  would  pass  for  wisdom. 
So  far  indeed  did  he  carry  this  unjust  prejudice,  as  to 
declare  it  his  firm  conviction,  that  if  the  development  of 
their  organs  was  examined  by  a  competent  phrenologist, 
nine  out  of  ten  would  be  found  destitute  of  the  organ 
of  judgment.  But  in  this,  I  am  convinced,  notwith 
standing  the  causes  I  have  to  complain  of  the  perfection 
of  reason,  the  good  gentleman  carried  his  prejudices 
beyond  all  reasonable  bounds.  I  have  had,  as  you  will 
perceive  in  the  course  of  my  narrative,  pretty  sufficient 
reason  for  dissatisfaction  on  this  head.  But,  notwith 
standing,  I  am  free  to  bear  testimony  to  the  talents, 
learning,  and  uprightness  of  the  great  majority  of  the 
judges  of  my  native  country.  As  respects  the  admin 
istration  of  justice,  they  are,  in  my  opinion,  as  able  and 
upright  as  the  perfection  of  reason  will  permit  them  to 
10 


110        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

be.  If  they  err  at  all,  I  am  inclined  to  think  it  is  in  per 
mitting  too  great  a  latitude  to  the  subtleties  and  sophis 
tries  of  ingenious  pleaders  ;  and  in  giving  undue  weight 
to  ancient  precedents,  derived  from  reasons  long  since 
inapplicable  to  the  state  of  our  manners,  habits,  and 
social  relations.  A  want  of  sufficient  confidence  in 
their  own  opinions  appears  to  rne  another  fault,  which, 
however,  almost  deserves  to  be  pardoned  on  account  of 
its  novelty.  It  has  happened  to  me  more  than  once,  to 
hear  a  judge  decide  upon  a  case  on  the  ground  of  some 
recorded  decision  of  another  judge,  when  I  myself 
would  a  thousand  times  rather  have  trusted  it  to  his  own 
unbiased  sense  of  right  and  wrong.  It  seems  odd  to 
see  a  lawyer  teaching  a  judge  his  lesson  out  of  a  pile 
of  books,  and  making  him  who  is  there  as  a  master, 
appear  more  like  a  scholar,  learning  his  alphabet  from 
some  beardless  pedagogue. 

However  this  may  be,  my  uncle  had  a  most  vehe 
ment  and  perfect  veneration  for  the  common  law,  and 
for  English  judges  sitting  in  judgment  upon  it,  and  from 
time  to  time  pronouncing  it  to  be  sometimes  flesh,  some 
times  fish,  and  sometimes  fowl.  I  verily  think,  if  he 
could  only  have  found  out  in  what  impenetrable  laby 
rinth  the  common  law  was  enshrined,  he  would  have 
made  a  pilgrimage  to  the  spot.  Indeed,  he  once  talked 
very  seriously  of  going  to  England,  only  to  see  the 
chief-justice  of  the  common  pleas  in  his  gown  and  wig. 
But  he  was  prevented  by  one  of  those  untoward  acci 
dents  which  disconcert  the  great  schemes  of  life.  He 
died  before  he  could  come  to  a  determination.  This, 
however,  was  long  after  he  had  condemned  me  to  study 
the  perfection  of  reason.  He  decreed  that  I  should  be 
a  lawyer,  though  I  am  unalterably  convinced  that  both 
nature  and  fate  intended  me  only  for  a  client. 

I  was  accordingly  sent  into  the  country,  to  live  with  a 
learned  jurist,  who  boarded  a  certain  number  of  pupils, 
to  whom  he  read  law-lectures  three  times  a  week.  In 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        Ill 

the  intervals  we  dipped  into  the  works  of  the  famous 
writers  who  have  analyzed  and  laid  down  the  great  prin 
ciples  of  the  law.  We  knew  nothing,  however,  and 
learned  nothing  of  the  real  mysteries  of  the  profession  ; 
nor  did  I  discover,  until  after  long  experience  in  the 
world,  that  the  theory  and  the  practice  of  the  law  were 
no  nearer  related  to  each  other  than  the  two  extremes  of 
the  same  earth.  They  were  the  antipodes  of  each 
other.  Here,  in  the  retirement  of  a  country  mansion, 
and  apart  from  the  great  business  of  the  world,  which 
alone  furnishes  the  practical  application  and  infallible 
test  of  all  human  institutions,  I  revelled  in  the  beautiful 
theory  of  the  law.  Everywhere  I  read  the  most  lofty 
and  eloquent  eulogiums  on  the  science,  from  the  pens  of 
the  greatest  names  ;  and  everywhere  I  saw  in  the  Eng 
lish  books  the  highest,  most  unqualified  testimony  to  the 
unequalled  excellence  of  the  common  law  above  all 
others.  It  was  the  aggregate  of  human  experience,  the 
perfection  of  reason.  I  actually  fell  in  love  with  it,  and 
studied  with  an  amorous  enthusiasm  which  I  can  hardly 
believe  possible,  now  that  my  mistress  has  jilted  me  so 
many  times. 

At  the  end  of  three  years  I  was  sent  for  to  my 
worthy  uncle,  who  was  dangerously  ill.  I  found  him  in 
the  hands  of  a  physician  who  had  himself  invented  six 
new  diseases,  and  of  course  must  have  been  a  clever 
fellow.  But  my  poor  uncle's  time  was  fast  approach 
ing  ;  he  grew  worse  every  day,  and  the  doctor  invented 
a  new  name  for  every  new  symptom  that  appeared. 
Calling  me  one  morning  to  his  bedside,  he  expressed 
his  affection  for  me,  and  said  he  had  left  me  all  he  was 
worth  in  the  world.  "  You  will  find  yourself  rich  ;  but 
remember  that  riches  make  themselves  wings,  and  fly 
away.  Remember,  too,  that  the  only  way  to  restrain 
their  flight  is  by  a  proper  knowledge  of  the  laws, 
whereby  you  will  be  enabled  to  take  care  of  your  wealth. 
By  knowing  what  is  lawful  and  what  is  not  lawful — by 


112        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

applying  the  immutable  rules  of  right  and  wrong  as  de 
fined  by  the  laws — I  mean  the  common  law — you  will 
have  a  due  sense  of  your  rights  and  duties,  and  thus  no 
danger  can  befall  you." 

Rising  upon  his  elbow,  he  continued,  with  an  enthu 
siasm  that  lent  new  light  to  the  dying  taper — 

44  Law  is  indeed  the  perfection  of  reason — therefore 
it  must  necessarily  conform  to  the  purest  principles,  and 
inculcate  the  soundest  doctrines  of  morality.  It  is 
therefore  the  great  worldly  monitor  to  teach  us  what  is 
clue  to  ourselves  arid  to  others.  It  is,  in  fact,  a  practi 
cal  commentary  upon  the  great  and  divine  precept, 
*  that  we  should  do  to  others  what  we  would  they  should 
do  unto  us.'  It  is  likewise  '  a  rule  of  action,'  as  hath 
been  truly  defined.  It  must  therefore  be  founded  upon 
immutable  principles.  It  is  intended  for  the  daily  use 
and  government  of  people  of  common  sense — there 
fore,  it  must  of  necessity  be  so  plain  and  simple  in  its 
precepts,  as  to  be  within  the  comprehension  of  the  most 
ordinary  understanding.  Dost  thou  reverence  this  noble 
science,  my  dear  nephew  V3 

"  I  do,"  replied  I,  bowing  reverentially. 

"  Dost  thou  believe  in  Holt,  Hale,  Somers,  Hard- 
wicke,  Lord  Raymond,  Chief-justice  Coke,  Judge  Bul- 
ler,  Lords  Mansfield,  Thurlow,  Ellenborough,  and  all 
the  English  judges  V 

"  In  every  mother's  son  of  them,"  said  I,  little  wot 
ting  that  I  had  pledged  myself  to  the  belief  of  greater 
contradictions  than  I  could  digest  for  the  rest  of  my  life. 

"  And  in  the  common  law?"  quoth  he. 

"  I  believe  it  to  be  the  perfection  of  reason." 

"  Enough,  my  dear  son — now  take  my  last  advice. 
Never  resort  to  any  tribunal  but  the  common  law,  if 
you  are  aggrieved,  assaulted,  or  defrauded.  Eschew 
the  court  of  chancery,  as  clogged,  impestered,  and  cor 
rupted  by  an  infusion  of  that  mischievous  quality,  mis 
called  equity,  which  the  common  law  abhorreth.  Thou 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        113 

hast  only  to  appeal  to  the  common  law  for  redress — for 
that  is  the  perfection  of  reason." 

"It  is  the  perfection  of  justice,"  said  I. 

"  I  affirm  it  with  my  latest  breath,"  said  my  good  uncle, 
and  expired  with  a  smile  of  triumph.  When  the  doctor 
arrived  he  discovered  symptoms  of  a  new  symptom, 
which  he  immediately  christened  by  a  new  name.  There 
was  a  swelling  under  the  tongue. 

"  It  was  only  an  unnatural  expansion  of  the  organ  of 
common  law — did  he  examine  the  angle  of  constructive- 
ness  ?"  interrupted  Doctor  Spurrem,  the  third  Wise  Man 
of  Gotham. 

"  Not  that  I  know  of,"  said  Mr.  Quominus. 

"  What  an  imperfect  machine  your  uncle  must  have 
been,"  said  the  Man  Machine,  "  not  to  know  that  in 
the  perfect  state  of  society  there  is  no  use  for  either  law 
or  gospel." 

"  Very  likely,"  replied  Mr.  Quominus,  "  but  he  was 
kind  to  me,  and  left  me  a  good  estate.  I  am  therefore 
bound  not  to  hear  his  memory  insulted." 

"  No  intention  in  the  world,"  returned  the  other ; 
"  but  as  you  made  free  with  the  old  gentleman  your 
self—" 

"  That  may  be,"  quoth  Mr.  Quominus  ;  "  but  I  don't 
like  other  people  to  take  the  same  liberties." 

He  then  proceeded  with  his  narrative. 

Finding  myself  in  possession  of  a  plentiful  estate,  I 
determined  not  to  enter  upon  the  practice  of  the  law, 
except  now  and  then  con  amore,  and  in  the  mean  while 
amuse  myself  with  such  recreations  as  my  fortune 
placed  in  my  power.  As  I  was  fond  of  riding,  I  bought 
a  horse  of  a  famous  dealer,  for  which  I  paid  a  high 
price,  being  verbally  assured  that  he  had  an  amazing 
number  of  good  qualities,  and  no  faults.  In  a  day  or 
two,  I  discovered  that  he  was  broken- winded,  and  blind 
of  an  eye  ;  of  course  I  insisted  on  returning  the  horse 
and  receiving  my  money  back  again,  on  the  ground  of 


114       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

deception.  The  jockey  refused,  alleging  that  neither 
loss  of  wind,  or  of  an  eye,  was  the  fault  of  the  horse,  but 
his  misfortune  ;  and  therefore  when  he  denied  his  having 
any  fault,  he  practised  no  deception  whatever.  More 
over,  he  snapped  his  fingers  at  me  in  defiance. 

This  was  in  my  opinion  a  proper  occasion  to  resort  to 
the  perfection  of  reason  for  redress.  I  accordingly  in 
voked  the  shade  of  my  uncle,  and  commenced  taking 
my  first  practical  lesson  in  the  common  law,  by  bring 
ing  a  suit  against  the  jockey.  I  cannot  describe  my 
feelings  on  this  first  occasion  of  applying  to  the  grand 
tribunal  of  human  reason — I  looked  upon  myself  as  now 
exercising  the  highest  privilege  that  could  possibly  fall 
to  the  lot  of  humanity,  and  entered  the  court  with  the 
awe  of  a  young  devotee  for  the  first  time  kneeling  at  the 
shrine  of  his  patron  saint.  Being  somewhat  addicted  to 
blushing,  which  our  lecturer  assured  us  was  always  a 
sign  of  a  bad  cause,  I  employed  on  this  occasion  a  law 
yer,  who  was  seldom,  if  ever,  guilty  of  that  legal  enor 
mity.  The  jury  being  called  and  sworn,  the  trial  com 
menced. 

I  proved  all  I  thought  necessary,  namely,  that  I  had 
paid  the  full  price  of  a  good  horse,  and  got  one  that  was 
good  for  nothing.  I  was  satisfied  that  in  the  eye  of  the 
perfection  of  reason  this  would  of  course  be  deemed  a 
case  of  deception,  if  not  fraud.  But  I  was  mistaken 
with  a  vengeance — the  perfection  of  reason  was  not  so 
easily  satisfied.  I  was  cross-questioned  for  three-quar 
ters  of  an  hour  by  a  fellow  that  had  the  throat  and  the 
impudence  of  ten  brazen  trumpets,  until  I  began  to 
doubt  whether  I  had  actually  bought  a  horse  or  a  cow. 
I  fell  into  a  horrible  perspiration.  As  the  trial  pro 
ceeded,  I  found  this  was  not  by  any  means  so  clear  a 
case  as  I  imagined.  Common  sense,  to  be  sure,  would 
have  been  perfectly  satisfied  that  I  had  been  cheated  ; 
but  in  the  eye  of  common  law  and  the  perfection  of 
reason  it  appeared  exquisitely  doubtful.  The  difficulty 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    REASON.  Il5 

was  in  finding  out  whether  I  had  in  fact  received  a  war 
ranty  for  the  horse.  My  lawyer  insisted  that  paying  the 
full  price  of  a  good  horse  was  presumptive  proof  of  war 
ranty — no  man  in  his  senses  would  wilfully  give  as 
much  for  a  horse  he  knew  to  be  bad  as  for  a  good  one. 
The  brazen  trumpet  then  attempted  to  prove  me  out 
of  my  senses,  at  the  same  time  stoutly  maintaining,  that 
by  the  perfection  of  reason  every  man  had  a  right  to  the 
benefit  of  his  superior  knowledge  in  making  a  bargain. 
He  has  a  right,  too,  to  keep  secret  every  fact  that  may 
operate  to  his  disadvantage. 

"  Jlccusare  nemo  se  debet  nisi  coram  cZeo,"  cried  he  ; 
"no  man  is  obliged  to  accuse  himself  or  his  horse." 

"  Ignorcmtia  facti  excusat"  exclaimed  my  champion ; 
"  my  client  was  ignorant  of  the  facts  of  blindness  and 
broken  wind." 

"  Ignoranlia  non  excusat  legem"  brayed  he  of  the 
trumpet 

"  Commimis  error  facit  jus,"  retorted  my  lawyer. 
"  Lord  Raymond  is  on  our  side,  in  addition  to  whose 
high  authority  I  have  four  chief-justices,  one  baron  in 
eyre,  and  equity  besides  in  our  favour.'' 

"  A  fig  for  equity — common  law  has  nothing  to  do 
with  it,"  brayed  the  trumpet. 

"  Li  omnibus  quidem  maxime  tamcn,  in  jure  dlequitas 
est,"  exclaimed  our  side — "  precedents  innumerable  in 
our  favour." 

"  Pish  ! — Judicandum  est  legibus  non  exemplis,"  ojioth 
trumpet — 

"  Caius,  Ulpian,  Tribonian." 

"  St.  Thomas  Aquinas." 

"  The  French  judges  on  our  side." 

"The  English  judges  on  ours." 

"  Do  unto  others  as  you  would  they  should  do  unto 
you." 

"That's  not  law." 

"  No,  but  its  gospel." 


116        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

"  The  opposite  counsel  must  be  hard  run  for  law, 
your  honours,  when  he  is  obliged  to  resort  to  gospel." 

"  Omne  actum  ab  agentis  intentione  est  Judicandiim," 
said  our  side. 

"  CAVEAT  EMPTOR  !"  answered  the  brazen  trumpet. 

This  did  our  business — at  that  awful  annunciation 
my  counsel  was  struck  dumb,  and  word  spake  never 
more — the  judge  nodded  approbation — Caveat  emptor 
carried  the  day — the  jury  gave  a  verdict  in  favour  of  the 
jockey,  and  my  horse,  being  thus  legally  reinstated  in 
the  possession  of  his  eye  and  his  wind,  was  left  on 
my  hands  as  an  excellent  purchase. 

I  must  acknowledge  this  decision  a  little  undermined 
my  faith  in  the  common  law,  as,  in  addition  to  a  bad 
horse  on  my  hands,  I  had  a  bill  of  costs  to  pay  besides. 
However,  impressions  of  long  growth  and  standing  are 
not  worn  away  at  once.  To  be  sure,  law  was,  I  found, 
rather  an  expensive  article.  But,  after  all,  it  is  the  price 
that  constitutes  the  value  of  a  thing  in  the  common  esti 
mation,  and  it  is  doubtful  whether  the  ignorant  would 
not  come  to  despise  the  law  if  they  could  get  it  for 
nothing.  Upon  the  whole,  I  continued  to  cherish  a  pro 
found  devotion  for  the  perfection  of  reason. 

This  devotion  was,  however,  destined  to  receive  an 
other  shock,  in  consequence  of  a  very  trifling  affair, 
which,  however,  cost  me  no  small  expense  and  vexation. 
It  happened  that  one  clay,  being  in  immediate  want,  I 
called  in  at  a  shop,  picked  out  a  pair  of  ready-made 
boots,  paid  for  them  the  full  price,  and  ordered  them  to 
be  sent  home.  After  wearing  them  a  day  or  two,  they 
went  to  pieces,  the  leather  and  workmanship  being 
equally  bad.  Upon  the  cobbler  absolutely  refusing  to  take 
back  the  boots  and  return  the  money,  or  make  any  other 
satisfaction,  I  again  resorted  to  the  great  tribunal  of 
human  reason.  I  was  certain  the  law  was  on  my  side 
on  this  occasion,  for  I  had  witnessed  not  long  before  a 
decision  on  a  case  which  I  believed  exactly  parallel, 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    REASON.  117 

in  which  the  buyer  had  recovered.  I  employed  the 
same  lawyer,  who,  as  ill  luck  would  have  it,  was  again 
opposed  by  him  of  the  brazen  trumpet. 

To  make  all  sure,  the  boots  were  produced  in  open 
court,  and  admitted  on  all  hands  to  be  utterly  infamous. 
Even  the  opposite  counsel  could  say  nothing  in  their 
behalf.  But  he  had  a  great  deal  to  say  for  all  that 
He  produced  six  maxims,  in  good  law-latin  in  his  favour ; 
but  as  my  counsel  matched  him  with  six  more  on  our 
side,,  that  account  was  pretty  well  balanced.  We  then 
quoted  opinions  and  decisions  without  number,  showing 
there  was  always  an  implied  warranty  where  a  fair  price 
was  given  for  a  pair  of  boots.  The  opposite  side  de 
nied  that  this  was  law ;  and  to  ft  they  went,  tooth  and 
nail,  marshalling  Grotius,  Wolf,  Puffendorf,  Ulpian,  Pa- 
pinian,  and  Tribonian,  Hale,  Holt,  Mansfield,  Thurlow, 
and  Ellenborough,  against  each  other ;  for,  however 
strange  it  may  seem,  the  perfection  of  reason  is  pre 
cisely  what  the  most  reasonable  people  differ  about  in 
toto.  There  was  a  bloody  battle  of  words  between 
them,  and  all  about  a  pair  of  bad  boots — that  nobody 
denied  were  bad. 

"  'Tis  contrary  to  reason  that  a  man  should  pay  for 
what  is  worth  nothing,"  said  we. 

"  Reason  has  nothing  to  do  with  the  question,"  said 
the  other. 

*'  Law  is  the  perfection  of  reason — and  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason  is  to  be  honest." 

"  I  appeal  to  the  court  if  that  is  law." 

The  court  decided  it  was  not  law. 

"'Tis  reason  and  philosophy-  Socrates  says  thai 
the  principles  of  all  law  are  founded  in  philosophy." 

"  Pooh  ! — Socrates  was  no  lawyer." 

"  But  he  was  a  sage  of  antiquity." 

"  Yes,  but  he  was  not  a  sage  of  the  law  ;  and  as  for 
antiquity,  they  had  no  books  of  reports,  and  how  should 
they  know  any  thing  of  the  law  ?' 


118       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

"  But  for  all  that,"  said  my  counsel,  "  Lord  Mans 
field  calls  Socrates  "  the  great  lawyer  of  antiquity.' " 

"The  d 1  he  does — I  beg  pardon  of  the  hon 
ourable  court — but  really  my  surprise — Lord  Mansfield 
says  so — why,  thenHhere  is  something  in  it.  He  was 
a  sage  of  the  law.  I  submit  to  the  definition  of  So 
crates,  and  my  learned  friend  is  welcome  to  all  he  can 
make  of  it." 

The  two  combatants,  each  in  his  turn,  read  a  number 
of  opinions  and  cases  from  a  pile  of  books  as  high  as  a 
man's  head,  each  differing  from  the  other  so  completely 
that  I  was  at  that  moment  seriously  inclined  to  compare 
the  law  to  Hydra,  with  its  hundred  heads,  each  uttering 
a  different  language.  What,  however,  surprised  me 
most  was  that  the  opinions  of  our  own  judges  seemed 
to  be  of  little  or  no  authority.  Whence  I  concluded 
that  human  reason  was  not  quite  so  perfect  here  as  in 
England,  and  elsewhere.  I  began  to  be  weary  of  all 
this  turmoil  about  my  boots,  and  fairly  wished  them  in 
the  Red  Sea. 

"  May  it  please  the  court,"  said  I,  with  due  submis 
sion,  "  I  thought  I  came  here  to  be  judged  by  a  court 
and  jury  of  my  own  fellow-citizens,  and  not  by  Grotius, 
Papinian,  or  my  lord  chief-justice  of  England,  whom  I 
don't  wish  to  trouble  about  such  a  small  affair.  To  cut 
the  matter  short,  if  the  counsel  on  both  sides  will  say  no 
more  about  it,  we  will  put  the  law  quite  out  of  the  ques 
tion,  and  leave  it  to  the  jury  to  say  whether  the  boots 
were  bad  or  not." 

"  That  is  impossible,"  said  the  judge,  "  the  law  must 
take  its  course  now,  and  the  cause  be  decided  secundun 
artem.     Go  on,  gentlemen." 

"  Facilis  descensus,"  said  the  brazen  trumpet,  wink 
ing  at  my  counsel. 

Away  they  tilted  again,  and  the  desperate  battle  of 
the  books  was  renewed  with  greater  vigour  than  ever. 
Common  law,  civil  law,  and  statute  law  took  the  field  in 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        119 

the  armour  of  a  thousand  words,  and  long  before  the 
contest  ended,  neither  myself  nor  the  jury,  such  is  the 
perfection  of  reason,  could  tell  what  was  law,  or  what 
was  reason — or  whether  there  were  any  such  things  in 
the  world.  Law  maxims  flew  about  like  hail,  and,  as  it 
appeared  to  me,  quite  as  much  at  random,  for  I  confess 
I  could  not  make  out  the  application  of  some  of  them. 

"  Velutas  pro  lege  semper  habetur,"  said  the  brazen 
trumpet ;  "  it  has  always  been  the  custom  to  sell  bad 
boots,  and  that  is  common  law." 

"  Quid  leges  sine  moribus  vanae  proficiunt  ?  What 
are  laws  without  morals  ?  as  Horace  says." 

"  Horace  was  a  jack-pudding — the  learned  counsel  is 
irrelevant." 

"  Ubi  jus  incertum  ibi  just  nuUum — uncertain  law  is 
no  law." 

"  Tot  homines  quot  sentential — every  man  has  a  differ 
ent  opinion  of  his  own." 

"  Semel  malus  semper  prazsumitur  esse  mains — your 
client  has  often  cheated  before." 

"  CAVEAT  EMPTOR  !" 

I  began  to  tremble,  and  so  did  my  counsel.  Never 
theless  he  would  not  give  up  the  ghost — but  faintly  re 
joined — 

"  JEquitas  sequitur  legem." 

"  CAVEAT  EMPTOR  !" 

"  Jlclus  legis  nulli  facit  injuriam,"  said  we,  still 
fainter  and  fainter. 

"  CAVEAT  EMPTOR  !"  brayed  the  trumpet,  with  a 
blast  that  carried  all  before  it.  My  counsel,  after  gain 
ing  a  little  breath,  said  he  committed  his  cause  to  the 
court  and  jury.  The  judge  then  addressed  the  jury,  as 
nearly  as  I  can  recollect,  as  follows  : — 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury, 

"  There  are  four  kinds  of  law, — the  civil  law,  the 
canon  law,  the  statute  law,  and  the  common  law.  Three 


120  THE    PERFECTION    OF    REASON. 

of  these  are  decidedly  against  the  defendant,  but  the 
fourth-,  which  is  the  perfection  of  reason,  is,  fortunately 
for  him,  at  least  one-half  on  his  side.  It  is  true,  the 
other  half  is  against  him,  but  of  that  I  make  no  account, 
since  it  appears  sufficiently  evident  from  the  authorities 
produced  by  the  learned  counsel  for  the  defendant,  that 
the  half  of  the  law  which  is  against  him  does  not  apply 
to  the  present  case. 

M  Gentlemen,  law  is  the  perfection  of  reason,  and,  of 
course,  nothing  but  a  perfect  reason  can  comprehend  it, 
It  is,  therefore,  not  to  be  wondered  at  that  there  should 
be  so  many  different  opinions  as  to  what  law  is.  It  is 
also  a  rule  of  action — but  every  rule  has  its  exceptions, 
and  in  some  cases  the  exceptions  arc  very  often  too 
strong  for  the  rule.  Law,  gentlemen,  I  speak  of  com 
mon  law,  is  also  the  wisdom  of  ages ;  but,  as  might  rea 
sonably  be  inferred  from  experience,  the  wisdom  of  one 
age  being  the  folly  of  another,  and  the  wisdom  of  differ 
ent  nations  altogether  different  in  kind  and  degree,  there 
is  much  difficulty  in  defining  exactly  what  is  the  wis 
dom  of  ages.  That  it  is  the  common  law  is  certain, 
but  nobody  can  tell  exactly  what  is  the  common  law. 
It  is  best  defined  as  the  perfection  of  reason. 

"  Nevertheless,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  is  not 
that  uncertainty  in  the  rules  of  the  common  law  that 
might  be  inferred  from  these  observations.  Various 
judges  decide  in  various  ways,  and  upon  various 
grounds.  Sometimes  we  go  according  to  Lord  Coke  ; 
sometimes  according  to  Lord  Hardwicke  ;  sometimes 
according  to  Lord  Mansfield — sometimes  according  to 
law — and  sometimes,  but  very  rarely,  according  to  our 
own  conscience  and  judgment  of  the  case  before  us. 
Now,  in  this  case,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  conscience 
has  nothing  to  say — it  must  be  quiet,  and  refrain  from 
interfering  in  the  deliberations  of  the  court,  and  the  de 
cision  of  the  jury.  It  is  a  question  of  common  law — • 
and  not  of  justice  or  equity.  It  is  not  for  us  to  inquire 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        121 

whether  the  boots  were  bad  boots,  or  whether  in  con 
science  or  in  honesty  the  maker  ought  to  take  them  back 
again ;  but  whether  the  great  maxim  which  lies  at  the 
root  of  the  common  law,  of  Caveat  emptor,  applies  to 
this  particular  case.  Gentlemen,  the  buyer  is  bound  to 
beware  in  all  purchases,  and  most  especially  in  purchas 
ing  from  persons  of  bad  character.  It  appears,  by  the 
testimony  of  credible  persons,  that  the  defendant  is  noto 
rious  for  selling  bad  boots.  Now  if  a  person  will  deal 
with  a  tradesman  of  bad  character,  it  is  his  own  fault  if 
he  is  taken  in.  The  fault,  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
law,  is,  not  in  the  seller  for  being  a  rogue,  but  in  the 
buyer,  for  not  governing  himself  by  the  maxim  Caveat 
emptor,  and  taking  care  of  himself,  more  especially  on 
this  particular  occasion. 

"  But  we  will  admit,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  and 
not  with  any  view  to  weaken  the  cause  of  the  defendant 
in  this  suit — that  he  is  a  man  of  fair  character.  Still, 
gentlemen  of  the  jury,  this  would  furnish  no"  justifica 
tion  to  the  plaintiff  in  disregarding  the  great  maxim  of 
Caveat  emptor;  since  the  common  law,  which  is  the  per 
fection  of  reason,  goes  upon  the  supposition  that  every 
man,  whatever  may  be  the  character  he  bears  in  society, 
is  a  rogue  in  grain,  and  therefore,  in  dealing  with  all  men 
it  is  necessary  to  bear  in  mind  that  Caveat  emptor. 
Hence  it  is  absolutely  requisite,  that  in  all  purchases 
the  buyer  should  procure  a  warranty,  in  order  to  guard 
against  this  presumption  of  the  common  law.  If  he 
neglect  this  he  cannot  pretend  to  recover  damages  for 
any  fraud  or  deception,  except  in  particular  cases. 

"  In  purchasing,  for  instance,  a  pair  of  ill-made  boots, 
the  whole  question  of  fraud  or  deception  turns  upon  the 
fact  whether  the  shoemaker  took  measure  of  him  for 
that  particular  pair  of  boots  or  not.  If  he  did,  the  com 
mon  law  holds  that  this  taking  measure  amounts  to  a 
warranty,  and  the  buyer  is  released  from  all  responsi 
bility  to  Caveat  emptor.  If,  on  the  contrary,  no  mea- 
11  F 


122        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

sure  was  taken,  the  bootmaker,  however  bad  may  be  hia 
boots,  is  exonerated  from  all  blame  and  responsibility  in 
the  eye  of  the  common  law.  And  this  distinction,  gen 
tlemen  of  the  jury,  is  manifestly  founded  in  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason  and  the  wisdom  of  ages.  The  mere  act 
of  measuring  a  man  for  a  pair  of  boots  is,  in  the  eye 
of  the  common  law,  in  the  nature  of  a  covenant  with 
warranty.  And  why?  —  a  shoemaker's  measure  is 
either  of  parchment  or  paper — if  of  parchment  the  cov 
enant  and  warranty  is  the  stronger.  Now,  gentlemen 
of  the  jury,  it  cannot  be  necessary  to  apprize  you,  that 
all  covenants  are  written  either  on  parchment  or  paper, 
and  according  to  the  reasoning  of  the  common  law,  the 
substance  or  material  made  use  of  in  measuring  a  man 
for  a  pair  of  boots,  being  the  same  with  that  used  in  all 
covenants,  it  follows,  from  analogy,  that  it  is  in  the  nature 
of  a  covenant  with  warranty.  This  is  one  ground, 
therefore,  on  which  the  law  makes  so  wide  a  distinction 
between  being  measured  for  a  pair  of  boots  and  pur 
chasing  the  boots  without  being  measured.  Another 
ground  of  distinction  is  this.  The  presumption  is,  that 
when  a  man  buys  a  pair  of  ready-made  boots  of  bad 
quality,  without  having  been  measured  for  them,  that 
these  boots  were  actually  made  for  another  person,  or  at 
least  not  expressly  for  him.  The  intention,  therefore, 
of  the  maker  was  not  to  cheat  him  but  some  other  pur 
chaser.  All  that  can  be  said  is,  that  a  bad  bargain  lay 
in  his  way,  and  he  found  it.  There  was  no  intention  to 
defraud  him  especially,  and  therefore,  in  the  eye  of  the 
common  law,  no  fraud  was  practised  towards  him  indi 
vidually.  The  buyer  in  this  case  has  clearly  no  right 
to  redress  for  an  injury  not  originally  intended  against 
him,  but  some  one  else.  It  is  like  an  unintentional 
blow,  which  it  is  not  lawful  for  him  to  resent,  and  it  is  in 
the  nature  of  a  sort  of  Quixotic  career,  to  undertake 
resenting  wrongs  or  redressing  injuries  intended  for 
other  people. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        123 

M  There  is  another  light,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  in 
which  the  conduct  of  the  defendant  is  justified  in  the 
eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  It  is  held  that  every 
man  is  permitted  to  make  a  fair  use  of  his  superior  sa 
gacity  and  knowledge,  and  that  ignorance  is  no  ground 
on  the  part  of  the  buyer  for  setting  aside  a  covenant. 
The  ignorant,  indeed,  are  apt  in  the  extreme  to  confound 
this  exercise  of  superior  sagacity  and  knowledge  with 
downright  fraud  and  deception.  But  in  the  eye  of  the 
common  law,  and  consequently  in  that  of  reason,  there 
is  a  wide  and  manifest  distinction  between  deceiving  an 
ignorant  man  by  superior  knowledge  and  deceiving  him 
wilfully. 

"  Knowledge,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is  a  quality  of 
which  a  man  cannot  divest  himself  at  pleasure.  It  is 
impossible  for  a  wise  man  to  be  ignorant,  or  to  refrain 
from  making  use  of  his  wisdom.  If,  then,  by  an  invol 
untary  exercise  of  his  knowledge  of  facts,  of  value,  of 
defect,  or  of  quality  in  an  article,  he  deceives  one  igno 
rant  of  all  these,  and  makes  a  good  bargain  out  of  him, 
in  the  eye  of  the  common  law,  which  is  the  perfection 
of  reason,  this  is  but  the  natural  and  inevitable  conse 
quence  of  the  eternal  and  irreversible  distinction  between 
knowledge  and  ignorance.  As  well  might  you  expect 
the  stronger  animal  to  yield  to  the  weaker  in  a  contest  of 
strength,  as  knowledge  to  yield  to  ignorance  in  a  contest 
of  bargaining.  The  more  knowing  man  therefore  does  not 
deceive  the  other  wilfully,  which  constitutes  the  essence 
of  every  offence,  but  simply  because  he  cannot  help  it 
if  he  would.  Physicians  are  punished  for  being  fla 
grantly  ignorant  of  their  profession,  and  people  that 
choose  to  make  bargains  without  knowing  any  thing 
about  it  must  take  the  consequences. 

"  The  law  in  this  case,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  is,  that 

the  plaintiff,  not  being  measured  for  his  boots,  there  is  no 

implied  warranty.      The  defendant  is  therefore  to  be 

considered  as  having  merely  made  a  legal  use  of  his 

F2 


124        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

superior  knowledge  of  boots,  and  the  complaint  of  the 
plaintiff  must  be  dismissed  with  costs.  You  will  find 
this  laid  down  distinctly  in  Twigg  vs.  Twist,  and  innu 
merable  other  cases.  The  principle  may  in  fact  be  said 
to  be  settled  on  the  immutable  basis  of  common  law, 
common  sense,  and  common  justice." 

The  jury  were  so  convinced  of  the  soundness  of 
these  principles  that  they  gave  a  verdict  against  me  with 
out  leaving  the  court.  One  of  them,  it  is  true,  made 
me  an  apology  afterward.  "  We  were  convinced  you 
had  been  cheated  abominably — but  the  law  was  against 
you,  and  what  could  we  do,  my  good  friend]"  "I  don't 
know,  not  I,"  replied  I,  hardly  knowing  what  I  said,  for, 
to  confess  the  truth,  I  began  to  be  strangely  bewildered 
in  the  fathomless  profundity  of  the  perfection  of  reason. 
It  was  three  days  before  I  got  rid  of  a  strange  buzzing 
in  my  head,  and  came  to  any  tolerable  perception  of  the 
distinction  between  right  and  wrong.  Indeed,  I  am  free 
to  confess  that  this  argument  of  the  judge  has  ever  since 
strangely  confused  me,  so  that,  to  this  day,  I  am  apt  to 
mistake  the  voice  of  the  law  for  the  whisperings  of  con 
science  ;  and  to  confound  the  latitude  allowed  by  the 
former  with  the  restrictive  morality  of  the  latter.  The 
continuation  of  my  story  will  furnish  more  than  one  ex 
ample  of  this. 

This  last  decision  in  the  matter  of  the  boots  made 
me  for  some  time  rather  shy  of  the  perfection  of  reason, 
and  I  came  to  a  resolution,  like  some  quarrelsome  per 
sons  who  get  winged  once  or  twice  in  a  duel,  never  to 
go  to  law  again,  except  on  the  defensive.  But  it  was 
not  long  before  my  habitual  confidence  in  the  common 
law,  together  with  the  last  advice  of  my  good  uncle, 
again  made  me  the  victim  of  Caveat  emptor. 

It  happened  about  this  time  that  an  agricultural  so 
ciety  was  instituted  among  us,  and  I  became  a  member, 
having  a  landed  estate  in  the  neighbourhood.  In  order 
to  prove  myself  worthy  of  my  station,  I  went  largely  into 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        125 

the  improvement  of  the  breed  of  horses,  and  purchased 
several  fine  ones  from  time  to  time.  One  day  a  fellow 
brought  me  a  most  beautiful  animal,  which  he  presented 
to  me  as  a  full-blooded  horse,  with  a  pedigree  equal  to  a 
first-rate  legitimate  monarch.  After  a  good  deal  of 
chaffering  I  purchased  him  at  a  great  price,  and  the  ex 
hibition  of  the  society  happening  the  next  morning,  pre 
sented  the  animal,  in  the  full  expectation  of  bearing  off 
the  prize  for  the  best  horse  in  the  county.  You  may 
guess  my  astonishment  and  mortification  when  the  com 
mittee  of  investigation  solemnly  decided  that  my  horse 
was  a  mare.  They  all  burst  into  a  roar  of  laughter — 
the  story  circulated  through  the  fair  with  prodigious  .  ra 
pidity,  and  there  was  a  universal  giggle  that  shook  the 
very  firmament.  I  was  quizzed  to  death,  and  to  this 
day  the  story  is  regularly  told  at  the  anniversary  dinner 
of  our  society.  I  was  mortified  to  the  bone,  and  deter 
mined  on  once  more  appealing  to  the  perfection  of  rea 
son,  in  spite  of  Caveat  emptor,  of  whom,  by  this  time  I 
began  to  stand  in  great  awe.  A  fraud  so  open  and  pal 
pable,  I  was  assured,  could  not  be  sheltered  even  behind 
his  sevenfold  shield.  I  could  not  rest  a  moment  till  I 
had  brought  this  rogue  to  condign  punishment — which 
was  very  unfortunate,  for,  under  various  pretences,  he 
managed  to  keep  off  the  suit  for  two  years — so  that  I 
lost  two  years'  sleep,  in  addition  to  being  the  laughing 
stock  of  the  society.  But  for  all  this,  there  is  no  doubt 
that  the  maxim,  dilationes  in  lege  sunt  odiosce,  is  as  true 
as  the  gospel.  My  uncle  believed  it,  and  so  did  I.  But 
time  brings  all  things  about  at  last.  Time  gives  and 
time  takes  away — time  strengthens,  time  weakens — 
time  builds  up,  and  time  pulls  down — time  brings  us  into 
the  world,  and  time  takes  us  out  of  it — time,  in  fact,  does 
every  thing — it  can  even  put  an  end  to  a  lawsuit. 

My  uncle  used  to  dwell  with  rapture  on  the  sublime 
gravity  of  the  law,  and  of  those  by  whom  it  was  admin 
istered.  But  I  am  bold  to  say  that  on  this  occasion 


128        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

there  was  not  much  to  be  said  in  favour  of  either* 
However,  as  usual,  I  proved  the  sex  of  the  animal,  and 
the  fact  of  her  being  imposed  on  me  for  a  horse.  This 
seemed  all  that  was  material  to  a  decision  of  the  case, 
and  I  remained  a  few  moments  quietly  expecting  a 
charge  from  the  judge  to  the  jury,  denouncing  most  ex 
emplary  damages  for  the  injury  done  to  my  character 
and  feelings,  as  well  as  a  restitution  of  the  purchase- 
money.  So  sure  was  I  of  the  justice  of  my  cause  that 
I  had  not  employed  any  counsel.  This  was  a  great 
oversight,  since  experience  has  taught  me  that  justice  is 
blind,  and  of  course  requires  a  lawyer  to  direct  her. 
By  this  omission  of  mine  she  fell  into  the  hands  of  the 
opposite  counsel,  who  led  her  astray  entirely  from  my 
interests.  His  address  to  the  jury  was,  as  nearly  as  I 
can  recollect,  as  follows  : — 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury  :  The  plaintiff  in  this  suit, 
relying,  it  would  seem,  on  the  justice  of  his  cause,  has 
omitted  to  employ  counsel,  and  thereby  set  a  most  mis 
chievous  example  to  the  world.  He  has,  in  effect,  com 
mitted  a  fraud,  by  withholding  from  some  worthy  mem 
ber  of  the  profession  the  fee  to  which  his  labours  in  the 
acquirement  of  legal  knowledge  have  justly  entitled  him. 
Gentlemen,  you  are  bound  to  discourage  this  dangerous 
example  by  an  exemplary  verdict,  if  it  be  only  on  the 
ground  that,  should  it  become  general,  you  will  in  future 
be  deprived  of  the  benefits  of  legal  disquisition,  and  left, 
as  it  were,  alone  in  the  wilderness  of  the  law,  with  no 
other  guides  to  a  just  decision,  but  the  feeble  and  un 
certain  lights  of  reason  and  conscience. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  case  on  which  you  are 
now  to  decide  is  one  of  extreme  intricacy,  although  to 
the  eyes  of  superficial  persons  it  may  appear  as  clear 
as  the  sun.  Indeed,  it  is  a  common  and  fatal  error  to 
suppose  that  justice,  law,  and  equity  can  possibly  be 
apparent  to  reason  and  conscience  at  the  first  glance. 
Justice,  gentlemen,  is  represented  as  blind,  and  for  what 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.         127 

reason? — To  indicate  that  she  cannot  see,  except  through 
the  magic  spectacles  of  the  law,  upon  the  noses  of  the 
learned  counsel.  Law,  gentlemen,  is  represented  as  a 
bottomless  pit,  and  why  ? — To  indicate  metaphorically, 
that  profound  depth  and  obscurity  which  baffles  the  visual 
organs  of  uninspired  people.  Common  law,  gentlemen, 
what  is  it  1 — It  is  the  sublime  of  incomprehensibility — 
it  is  the  philosopher's  stone,  which  has  baffled  the  wisdom 
and  researches  of  ages  — it  is  nothing,  it  is  every  thing — 
it  is  here,  there,  everywhere,  and  nowhere.  Sometimes  it 
is  the  conscience  of  the  judge,  and  sometimes  of  the  jury 
— sometimes  it  is  the  voice  of  the  dead,  and  sometimes 
of  the  living — it  comes  from  the  mouldering  tomb,  and 
from  the  judge's  bench — it  is  sometimes  in  the  head, 
and  sometimes  in  the  heart — in  short,  it  is  an  ethereal 
essence,  eluding  the  senses,  and  sporting  before  the 
imagination — a  mysterious,  inexplicable,  indefinable, 
and  invisible  guide,  that  takes  us  by  a  hand  which  we 
cannot  feel,  leads  us  by  a  light  which  we  cannot  see,  to 
a  consummation  utterly  incomprehensible  !  I  beg  par 
don  for  this  digression,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  to  which 
I  have  been  tempted  by  my  veneration  for  the  most 
sublime  and  mysterious  of  all  sciences,  and  my  desire 
of  warning  you  against  indulging  the  common  vanity  of 
supposing  that  the  case  is  perfectly  clear  because  it  ap 
pears  so  to  you.  I  trust,  if  you  will  honour  me  with  a 
portion  of  your  serious  attention,  I  shall  ere  long  con 
vince  you  that  it  is  one  of  the  most  difficult  and  com 
plicated  cases  on  which  the  wit  of  man  was  ever  called 
upon  to  decide.  It  is  the  error  of  ignorance  to  make 
up  its  mind  quickly — it  is  the  province  of  learning  to  pre 
serve  the  judgment  in  that  salutary  equilibrium  of  doubt 
and  uncertainty  which  keeps  us  from  deciding  at  all,  for 
fear  of  deciding  wrong. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  question  does  not  turn 
upon  a  mare  or  a  horse,  nor  upon  the  fact  of  the  animal 
being  purchased  by  the  plaintiff  for  one  thing  and  turning 


128       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

out  to  be  another.  All  this,  I  say,  has  nothing  to 
do  with  the  question.  The  question  is,  whether  there 
was  fraud  in  the  contract  or  not,  and  to  this  I  shall  con 
fine  my  argument.  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  are 
cases  of  fraud,  and  cases  of  deception — there  are  intrin 
sic  defects  and  extrinsic  defects  that,  under  circum 
stances,  may  vitiate  a  contract.  Intrinsic  defects  are 
different  from  extrinsic  defects,  and  extrinsic  defects  are 
different  from  intrinsic  ones.  Intrinsic  defects  are  such 
as  may  not  appear  externally,  and  therefore  they  may  be 
made  legal  grounds  for  a  presumption  of  fraud.  Ex 
trinsic  defects,  on  the  contrary,  are  such  as  address 
themselves  immediately  to  the  h've  senses,  and  are  ob 
vious  at  first  sight.  In  order,  therefore,  that  the  plain 
tiff  may  entitle  himself  to  relief  in  the  present  case,  it  is 
,  necessary  for  him  to  prove  that  he  was  blind  at  the  time 
of  making  the  purchase.  If  he  was  not  blind,  he  must 
of  necessity  have  perceived  the  difference  between  a 
mare  and  a  horse,  and  having  so  perceived  it,  if  he  pur 
chased  with  his  eyes  open,  he  purchased  wilfully,  and 
cannot  plead  deception.  He  became,  in  fact,  a  party  in 
the  fraud. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  are  frauds  so  mon 
strous  as  to  amount  to  no  frauds  at  all — deceptions  so 
gross,  open,  and  palpable  as  to  argue,  either  wilful  co 
operation  on  the  part  of  the  person  said  to  be  deceived, 
or  a  total  deprivation  of  the  organ  of  making  bargains. 
In  such  cases  it  is  necessary  for  the  person  aggrieved, 
and  seeking  relief  at  the  hands  of  justice,  to  prove  him 
self  either  non  compos,  or  so  near  it  as  to  come  within 
the  statute  of  imbecility.  The  plaintiff  has  neither  done 
one  nor  the  other  ;  on  the  contrary,  he  affects  to  be 
learned  in  the  laws,  and  a  judge  of  horses,  although  I 
must  take  leave  to  say  that  he  is  not  very  profound  in 
either.  Upon  the  whole,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there 
is  no  ground  for  the  charge  of  deception  urged  against 
my  client.  The  fraud  would  be  too  monstrous  for 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        129 

human  credulity  ;  it  is,  as  I  said  before,  too  great  for  a 
fraud. 

"  But,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  we  will  suppose,  for  the 
sake  of  argument,  the  plaintiff  in  this  suit  is  not  only 
blind,  but  actually  non  compos.  We  will  suppose  him, 
moreover,  a  notorious  swindler,  pickpocket,  and  cheat — 
we  will  moreover  suppose  him  a  person  who  has  mur 
dered  his  father,  mother,  uncle,  aunt,  and  several  others 
of  his  nearest  relatives — we  will,  in  addition  to  this, 
suppose — " 

I  could  stand  this  no  longer — 

"  I  beg  pardon  of  the  court,"  said  I,  "  but  the  gen 
tleman  has  no  right  to  suppose  any  such  thing." 

"  What,  not  for  the  sake  of  argument  ?  I  appeal  to 
the  court,  whether  it  is  not  an  allowable  fiction  of  law, 
to  suppose,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  any  person  we 
please  a  rogue." 

The  judge  decided  that  fictions  of  law  and  argumenta 
tive  suppositions  were  allowable,  and  the  counsel  pro 
ceeded — 

"  As  I  was  saying,  gentleman  of  the  jury,  when  the 
gentleman  thought  proper  to  interrupt  me — we  will  sup 
pose — but,  as  I  perceive  these  suppositions  are  not 
relished  by  the  gentleman,  whose  conscience  seems  a 
little  sensitive  on  these  points — we  will  suppose,  gentle 
men  of  the  jury,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  that  one  half 
of  you  were  non  compos,  and  the  other  half  utterly  inca 
pable  of  distinguishing  a  mare  from  a  horse.  Suppose 
further,  for  the  sake  of  argument,  that  one  half  of  you 
were  intoxicated  at  this  present  moment,  and  the  other 
half  asleep.  Or  suppose,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  for  the 
sake  of  argument,  that  you  were  a  low-bred,  uneducated, 
ignorant,  obstinate,  dirty — " 

Here  one  of  the  jurymen,  a  stout,  hard-featured  fel 
low,  with  little  of  the  polish  of  any  court  but  a  court  of 
law,  started  tip  and  exclaimed  in  a  passion — 

"  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Lawyer,  if  you  go  on  insulting 
F3 


130        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

the  jury  with  your  suppositions,  dam'me  if  I  don't 
knock  you  down — for  the  sake  of  argument." 

The  counsel  was  rather  alarmed  at  this  formidable 
threat ;  but  the  privilege  of  supposition  was  too  dear  to 
his  profession,  and  too  essential  to  a  long  speech  to  be 
easily  given  up. 

"  Will  the  court  permit  itself  to  be  insulted  in  this 
manner  V1  said  he.  ''  Shall  a  counsel  be  interrupted  in 
the  regular  discharge  of  his  duty  to  his  client  ?  I  throw 
myself  upon  the  protection  of  the  court,  and  appeal  to 
your  honour,  whether  I  have  exceeded  the  reasonable 
line  of  discussion  allowed  to  counsel." 

His  honour  decided  that  he  had  not,  and  threatened 
to  commit  the  juryman  for  contempt.  "  Go  on,  Mr. 
Quodlibet."  Mr.  Quodlibet  proceeded — 

"  As  the  gentlemen  of  the  jury  (at  least  one  of  them) 
seem  not  inclined  to  lend  a  favourable  ear  to  my  suppo 
sitions,  I  will  take  the  liberty  of  supposing,  for  the  sake 
of  argument,  that  your  honour  is  a  judge  who  brings 
nothing  to  the  bench  with  him  but  a  superficial  know 
ledge  of  the  quips,  quibbles,  and  quiddities  of  the  law. 
I  will  further  suppose — for  the  sake  of  argument — that 
your  honour  is  a  man  so  utterly  ignorant  of  those  sublime 
distinctions  that  mark  the  difference — the  eternal  and  im 
passable  separation  between  the  two  sexes, — as  not  to 
know  a  horse  from  a  mare.  I  will  further  suppose — 
for  the  sake  of  argument — that  your  honour  is  entirely 
destitute  of  the  faculties  of  seeing,  hearing,  tasting,  smell 
ing,  and  feeling — that  you  are  neither  mens  sana  nor  cor- 
pore  sano — that  you  are — in  short — for  the  sake  of 
argument — a  miserable,  ignorant,  conceited,  supercilious 
pettifogger,  destitute  of  every  faculty,  but  that  of  citing 
exploded  decisions,  and  applying  them  to  wrong  cases — 
that — for  the  sake  of  argument — you  are  a  mere  parrot, 
saying  only  what  you  have  learned  by  rote — an  echo, 
repeating  nothing  but  eternal  repetitions — that — " 

At  each  of  these  suppositions,  his  honour  became 
more  and  more  uneasy  in  his  seat — he  looked  this  way, 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        131 

and  he  looked  that — he  blew  his  nose,  wiped  his  face, 
coughed  and  hemmed— but  it  came  to  be  too  hot  at  last, 
and  he  could  no  longer  stand  the  cross  fire  of  these  sup 
positions. 

"  Really,  Mr.  Quodlibet,  I  don't  see — I — really,  sir, 
it  appears  to  me  that  your  suppositions  have  nothing  to 
do  with  the  question  before  the  court  and  jury.  I  can 
not  sit  still  and  permit  this  line  of  discussion.  Be 
pleased  to  confine  your  remarks  to  the  case  in  hand. 
Really,  sir,  I  don't  like  to  hear  myself  abused,  even  for 
the  sake  of  argument." 

"  Why,  may  it  please  your  honour,"  rejoined  Coun 
sellor  Quodlibet,  with  a  low  bow — "  what  can  I  do  ? 
The  plaintiff  has  come  here  with  malice  prepense — he 
has  brought  no  counsel  into  court,  and  has  offered  no 
argument  in  his  case.  I  must  therefore  either  suppose 
he  has  argued  the  question,  and  oppose  a  speech  that 
has  never  been  made — or  I  must  suppose  a  case  and 
argue  that — or  1  must  say  nothing,  which  is  a  case  not 
to  be  found  in  any  of  the  books.  Will  your  honour  per 
mit  me  to  suppose  that  the  plaintiff  has  actually  offered 
an  elaborate  argument  in  this  case,  and  answer  it  ac 
cordingly  ]  I  must  either  suppose  a  case,  or  suppose 
an  argument." 

«*  Any  thing  you  please,  Mr.  Quodlibet,  so  you  don't 
suppose  me  an  ignoramus,  or  a  rogue." 

Mr.  Quodlibet  then  went  on  with  increasing  anima 
tion,  seemingly  resolved  to  demolish  the  shadowy  coun 
sel  and  his  imaginary  speech. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  opposite  counsel,  or 
rather  the  plaintiff  in  this  suit,  has  asserted  that  a  mare 
is  a  horse." 

"  May  it  please  the  court,  I  asserted  no  such  thing." 

"  Well,  then,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  plaintiff  in  this 
suit  has  ignorantly  affirmed  that  a  cow  and  a  bull  are 
synonymous." 

"  I  deny  it,  may  it  please  the  court." 

"  Well,  then,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  plaintiff  in 


132        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

this  suit  has  founded  his  claim  to  a  verdict  upon  the  pre 
posterous  assumption  that  the  law  was  expressly  de 
vised  to  protect  the  weak,  the  ignorant,  and  the  inex 
perienced  against  the  violence  and  fraud  of  the  strong 
and  the  cunning.  Now,  I  affirm  directly  the  contrary 
• — I  say,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  law,  whatever  may 
have  been  its  original  intention,  is  now  principally  di 
rected  to  the  object  of  securing  to  the  cunning  and 
experienced  of  this  world  the  fruits  of  that  knowledge 
and  sagacity  to  which  in  the  eye  of  reason  they  are 
justly  entitled.  The  law,  at  least  the  common  law,  as 
it  is  now  quite  settled  by  the  decisions  of  the  English 
judges,  rests  upon  the  principle,  that  the  weak  and  the 
ignorant  are  naturally,  and  therefore  properly,  the  prey 
of  the  strong  and  the  cunning,  as  much  so  as  the  weaker 
and  less  wary  birds  and  beasts  are  of  the  more  wily  and 
powerful.  In  a  state  of  nature,  strength  and  courage 
constitute  right ;  in  a  country  governed  by  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason,  superior  knowledge,  sagacity,  and  cun 
ning.  Hence  originates  the  great  maxim  of  Caveat 
emptor — (here  I  began  to  quake) — a  maxim,  gentlemen, 
which  inculcates  upon  the  purchaser  of  any  article  what 
ever  the  necessity  of  wariness,  deliberation,  examina 
tion,  and  suspicion — which  says  to  him,  if  he  makes  a 
bad  bargain  it  is  his  own  fault — that  if  he  is  ignorant,  it 
is  his  own  fault — that  if  he  is  cheated,  it  is  his  own 
fault — and  that,  to  sum  up  all  in  one  word,  *  CAVEAT 
EMPTOR.'  " 

His  honour,  after  a  charge  of  three-quarters  of  an 
hour,  in  which  he  told  the  jury  what  the  law  was  not,  at 
least  twenty  times,  omitting  at  the  same  time  to  tell 
what  it  was,  ended,  so  far  as  I  can  recollect,  nearly  as 
follows  : — 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  to  conclude — the  case 
mainly  turns,  after  all,  upon  two  points — first,  whether  a 
fraud  may  be  so  great,  impudent,  brazen,  and  enormous 
as  actually  to  lose  its  character,  and  become  something 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.       133 

else.  Secondly,  whether,  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
Jaw,  a  mare  is  synonymous  with  a  horse — a  horse  with 
a  mare. 

"  As  to  the  first  point,  I  know  of  no  case,  nor  any 
decision  bearing  directly  upon  it,  by  which  to  be  gov 
erned.  I  regret  this,  because  I  am  thus  under  the 
unpleasant  necessity  of  being  obliged  to  resort  to  my 
own  judgment  to  decide  ;  a  course  extremely  trouble 
some  and  inconvenient,  and  savouring  of  vanity.  For 
tunately,  however,  there  is  a  decision  in  some  one  of  the 
books,  of  a  certain  court  of  judicature  in  the  kingdom 
of  Brobdignag,  which,  in  the  absence  of  all  other  prece 
dent,  I  shall  rely  on  in  this  case.  It  was  there  solemnly 
decided  that  a  man  might  be  actually  too  little  for  a 
dwarf.  Arguing  from  the  analogy  of  the  two  cases,  I 
am  inclined  to  believe,  that  if  a  man  may  be  too  little 
for  a  dwarf,  so  may  a  fraud  be  too  great  for  a  fraud. 
Now,  gentlemen,  it  is  almost  impossible  to  conceive  a 
more  impudent,  gross,  and  prodigious  deception,  than  to 
sell  a  mare  for  a  horse  to  a  person  having  the  use  of  his 
eyes.  It  is,  in  fact,  so  gross  a  fraud,  that  it  is  quite  im 
possible  to  believe  the  defendant  intended  it  for  a  fraud. 
When  a  human  being  gets  beyond  a  certain  size,  he  is 
no  longer  called  a  man  but  a  giant ;  so  when  a  fraud  is 
committed  of  an  enormous  magnitude,  it  ceases  to  be  a 
fraud — it  is  a  misnomer  to  call  it  a  fraud,  and  the  plain 
tiff  would  be  non-suited  upon  that  ground,  if  there  were 
no  other. 

"  Touching  the  second  point,  gentlemen  of  the  jury, 
there  is  no  doubt  that  in  ordinary  acceptation,  a  mare  is 
a  horse,  but  it  is  not  quite  so  clear  that  a  horse  is  a  mare. 
The  horse,  gentlemen,  or,  as  he  is  called  in  the  Latin 
tongue,  Equus,  gave  name  to  the  equestrian  order  in 
Rome,  which  was  so  called  from  riding  on  horseback. 
Now,  gentlemen,  there  can  be  little  doubt  that  many  of 
these  equestrians  rode  upon  mares,  yet  they  were  called 
indiscriminately  horsemen.  I  am  therefore  inclined  to 
12 


134       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

believe  that  mare  and  horse  were  considered  as  synony 
mous  at  that  time.  This  is,  however,  opposed  to  the 
maxim,  that  though  a  mare  is  a  horse,  a  horse  is  no 
mare,  which,  being  a  common  saying,  whereof  the 
memory  of  man  runneth  not  to  the  contrary,  is  of  equal 
authority  with  the  common  law,  which  cometh  from  we 
know  not  where.  If  you  believe,  gentlemen,  that  a 
mare  is  a  horse,  you  will  find  a  verdict  for  the  defendant 
— if  you  believe,  on  the  other  hand,  that  a  mare  is  not  a 
horse,  you  will  find  a  verdict  for  the  defendant  on  the 
ground  that  the  enormity  of  the  fraud  makes  it  no  fraud 
at  all — if  you  believe,  however,  that  a  fraud  is  a  fraud, 
however  gross  and  palpable,  you  must  still  find  a  ver 
dict  for  the  defendant,  on  the  ground  that  CAVEAT 
EMPTOR." 

I  never  heard  this  \vord  that  it  did  not  sound  to  my 
ears  like  the  croaking  of  the  prophetic  raven,  or  the 
screeching  of  the  ominous  owl.  The  jury  gave  a  ver 
dict  for  the  defendant,  with  costs  of  suit,  out  of  due  re 
spect  for  Caveat  emptor,  and  all  I  gained  by  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason  was  a  bill  of  costs  a  yard  long,  and  the 
laugh  of  the  universe.  I  was,  however,  a  little  con 
soled,  when  an  honest  neighbour  told  me  I  had  certainly 
the  most  extraordinary  team  in  the  world — "  a  sound 
horse  that  was  blind  of  an  eye  and  broken- winded — and 
a  mare  that  had  been  miraculously  metamorphosed  into 
a  horse  by  the  magic  of  the  common  law." 

Never,  surely,  was  a  man  so  jilted  by  his  beloved  as 
I  was  by  the  common  law.  This  last  decision,  which 
established  the  doctrine  that  a  mare  was  a  horse,  and  a 
fraud  no  fraud,  almost  drove  me  mad,  and  could  I  have 
conveniently  found  a  country  where  there  was  no  such 
thing  as  law,  I  think  I  should  certainly  have  sought  it  at 
that  time.  In  truth,  these  decisions,  coming  thus  one  upon 
the  back  of  another,  at  first  gave  me  a  mortal  distaste 
to  the  law,  particularly  the  common  law,  with  Caveat 
emptor  at  its  head.  But  when  again  I  reverted  to  the 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        135 

authority  of  so  many  sages,  all  agreeing  in  pronouncing 
it  the  perfection  of  reason,  I  was  thrown  into  the  di 
lemma  of  being  obliged  either  to  acknowledge  the  per 
fection  of  the  common  law,  or  to  confess  myself  an  ass. 
I  was  never,  in  truth,  very  confident  in  my  own  opinions, 
and  yielding  to  the  authority  of  great  names,  and  early 
impressions,  I  at  length  came  to  the  conclusion  that  the 
sense  of  justice,  the  suggestions  of  conscience,  and  the 
moral  feeling  by  which  it  is  supposed  men  may  almost 
instinctively  decide  upon  what  is  right  and  what  is 
wrong,  were  so  many  jack-a-lanterns  when  put  in  com 
parison  with  the  steady  light  of  the  perfection  of  reason. 
In  short,  I  no  longer  depended  in  the  direction  of  my 
conduct  upon  my  perceptions  of  moral  justice.  I  con 
sidered  the  perfection  of  reason  as  the  only  true  guide, 
and  yielded  implicit  submission  to  Caveat  emptor,  firmly 
believing,  that  if  I  could  only  get  him  on  my  side,  I  might 
cheat,  swindle,  and  deceive  with  perfect  impunity,  and 
in  strict  conformity,  not  only  with  the  wisdom  of  ages, 
but  the  perfection  of  reason.  You  will  perhaps  wonder 
at  this  conclusion ;  but  I  am  clearly  of  opinion  that 
many  an  honest  man  has  been  made  a  rogue,  by  being 
disappointed  in  his  search  after  justice  at  the  shrine  of 
the  common  law,  and  many  a  one  perverted  by  its  equivo 
cal  maxims.  It  is  too  much  in  the  nature  of  man,  I 
fear,  to  convert  decisions  against  him,  which  his  own 
innate  sense  of  right  teaches  him  are  immoral  in  their 
tendency  and  unjust  in  their  principles,  into  a  warrant 
for  the  indulgence  of  his  own  evil  propensities.  Un 
questionably,  he  who  has  frequently  appealed  in  vain  to 
the  law  for  redress  in  cases  where  his  own  conscious 
ness  taught  him  he  was  right,  will  be  more  apt,  ever 
afterward,  to  study  what  is  law,  than  what  is  right,  and 
square  his  morality  accordingly.  At  least,  it  was  so  with 
me,  and  I  have  no  hesitation  in  confessing  that  at  one 
time  of  my  life  I  became  little  better  than  a  rogue, 


136        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

merely  through  the  seductions  of  Caveat  emptor,  and 
the  perfection  of  reason. 

While  I  was,  however,  wavering  between  my  early 
impressions  of  morality,  and  the  temptations  of  the  com 
mon  law,  I  was  unexpectedly  called  upon  to  act  on  the 
defensive  in  an  affair  of  much  greater  consequence  than 
any  of  the  preceding.  This  was  a  suit  brought  for  the 
recovery  of  the  estate,  which  I  mentioned  as  having  been 
gained  by  my  uncle  in  a  lawsuit,  at  least  thirty  years 
before.  He  had  remained  in  quiet  possession,  and  so 
had  I,  ever  since  ;  I  should  as  soon  have  expected  a  suit 
to  turn  me  out  of  my  skin,  as  out  of  my  estate.  How 
ever,  a  suit  was  brought,  and  by  a  man  that  had  failed 
four  times  since  we  had  possession — given  up  all  his 
property,  or  at  least  sworn  he  had  done  so — and  had 
never  paid  one-tenth  of  his  honest  debts.  If  he  ever 
had  any  rights  in  the  estate,  they  should,  in  the  eye  of 
justice,  have  belonged  entirely  to  his  creditors.  These, 
however,  were  all  dead  or  dispersed,  and  the  gentleman 
had  now  a  fair  field. 

I  was  served  with  a  declaration  of  war,  which  made 
my  hair  stand  on  end.  First,  I  had  entered  by  force 
of  arms,  and  violently  taken  possession  of  this  honest 
man's  estate — I  had  beaten  him  with  staves,  sticks, 
stones,  and  what-not,  till  he  had  scarcely  a  whole  bone 
in  his  skin.  Then  I  had  not  only  got  possession  vi  ct 
annis,  but,  not  content  with  this,  had  actually  cheated 
him  out  of  it  afterward.  In  fact,  if  I  remember  right,  I 
had  got  possession  in  ten  different  ways.  Nay,  I  did 
not  stop  here,  rogue  as  I  was.  I  had  fraudulently, 
forcibly,  and  illegally  kept  possession,  and  forcibly, 
fraudulently,  and  illegally  converted  the  proceeds  of  the 
said  honest  man's  estate  to  my  own  use,  profit,  and 
behoof,  fraudulently,  forcibly,  and  illegally.  Now  I 
declare  solemnly,  there  was  not  one  word  of  truth  in  all 
this,  yet  it  was  no  joke,  I  assure  you. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.         137 

After  this  first  shot,  my  antagonist  cited  me  to 
appear,  defend  myself,  and  make  good  my  title.  I 
appeared,  ready  armed  with  two  great  lawyers  as  squires 
of  the  body,  but,  as  ill-luck  would  have  it,  a  principal 
witness  of  the  plaintiff  was  absent,  and  application  was 
made  to  put  off' the  trial.  Dilationes  in  lege  sunt  odiosoe, 
said  his  honour,  and  granted  the  motion.  The  next 
term,  I  appeared  as  before — and  the  trial  was  again 
postponed.  In  this  way  matters  went  on  for  five  or  six 
years,  during  which  my  opponent,  under  one  pretence 
or  other,  put  off  the  decision.  The  different  judges 
never  failed  to  quote  dilationes  in  lege  sunt  odiosce — but 
then  they  all  granted  the  delay,  odious  as  it  was  in  the 
eyes  of  the  perfection  of  reason.  I  begged  of  my 
counsel,  as  I  was  all  this  time  kept  in  a  state  of  agita 
tion  and  uncertainty,  and  could  neither  sell  nor  improve 
my  estate,  to  bring  matters  to  a  close  as  quick  as 
possible.  They  assured  me  this  was  out  of  the  ques 
tion — it  rested  with  the  plaintiff  to  bring  his  suit  up  when 
he  pleased. 

"  And  how  long  can  he  delay  it  1" 

"  Till  doomsday — or  until  all  his  money  is  spent." 

"  Dilationes  in  leges  sunt  ocfo'osce,"  said  I,  shrugging 
up  my  shoulders. 

"  To  be  sure  they  are,"  replied  my  counsel,  with 
infinite  gravity. 

"  And  so  he  can  keep  me  in  this  state  of  uncertainty 
all  my  life  ?" 

"  Yea — and  you  and  your  posterity  for  ever,  to  the 
hundredth  generation." 

"  And  this  is  called  the  perfection  of  reason,  when 
any  wretch  may  thus  keep  the  lawful  possessor  of  prop 
erty  as  long  as  he  pleases  in  this  state  of  expense  and 
suspense.  This  is  the  perfection  of  reason  !" 

"  Unquestionably — it  is  as  reasonable  that  you,  who 
enjoy  the  sweets  of  possession,  should  suffer  the  fear  of 
being  turned  out,  as  that  he  who  endures  the  pain  of 


138        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

being  out  of  possession,  should  enjoy  the  hope  of  get 
ting  in.  This  is  the  perfection  of  equal  justice." 

At  length  an  aged  person,  upon  whose  recollection 
of  the  facts  connected  with  the  former  history  of  the 
estate  I  had  relied  materially  in  maintaining  my  title, 
died.  The  very  next  term,  the  plaintiff  was  ready,  and 
the  trial  came  on.  It  was  not  the  absence  of  one  of  his 
witnesses,  but  the  presence  of  one  of  mine,  that  was  so 
inconvenient  to  him.  The  trial  occupied  three  days  ; 
one  in  hearing  testimony,  and  two  in  hearing  speeches, 
which  after  all  signified  nothing,  as  it  appeared.  It  was 
the  cases  cited  that  decided  the  question  of  right.  My 
counsel  cited  Holt ;  but  he  was  knocked  down  by  Chief- 
justice  Buller,  who  butted  him  quite  out  of  court.  After 
this  first  round  they  took  a  little  breath,  and  to  it  again. 
The  opposite  counsel  cited  Strange,  and  mine  Espinasse, 
— they  quoted  Fonblanque — and  we  Dallas — "  Pish," 
said  they,  "  this  is  only  a  dictum  of  one  of  our  own 
judges."  "  Your  honour  will  turn  to  page  116,  vol.  112, 
Troutback  vs.  Sturgeon."  "  Four  honour,"  cried  we, 
"  will  please  to  turn  to  page  250,  vol.  99,  Crane  vs.  Pea 
cock."  "  Lord  Coke  says" — "  Lord  Mansfield  affirms, 
your  honour,  in  the  famous  case  of  Cock-a-doodle  ma 
nor,  which  settled  the  principle."  This  last  blow  ended 
the  second  round,  and  in  fact  decided  the  question  in  my 
favour.  Lord  Mansfield  carried  all  before  him,  and  our 
adversaries  never  held  up  their  heads  afterward.  They 
gave  in  at  the  third  round,  with  a  faint  effort  at  milling  a 
little  with  Glanville,  and  a  few  of  the  old-school  fancy. 

The  judge  was  at  last  permitted  to  say  a  little  for  him 
self.  In  truth,  I  began  to  think  he  was  to  have  nothing 
to  do  in  the  business,  and  that  my  cause  was  to  be  tried 
by  the  judges  of  England,  not  those  of  my  own  country. 
I  have  not  sufficient  recollection  of  his  charge  to  repeat 
it,  but  I  remember  his  decision  turned  altogether  on  the 
authority  of  Lord  Mansfield.  Such  was  his  exemplary 
modesty,  that  he  never  intruded  his  own  opinions,  or 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        139 

appeared  to  consult  his  own  judgment.  This  seemed 
rather  odd  to  me,  although,  I  had  by  this  time  become 
pretty  well  accustomed  to  it.  I  could  not  help  thinking 
that  a  plain  man  of  good  judgment  and  acquirements, 
who  had  heard  all  the  testimony  appertaining  to  this  spe 
cial  case,  was  better  qualified  to  decide  upon  it,  than 
even  my  Lord  Mansfield,  meaning  no  disrespect  to  his 
lordship — who  died  long  ago,  and  never  dreamed  of  me, 
my  adversary,  or  my  cause.  Thanks,  however,  to  my 
lord,  to  whom  I  shall  ever  feel  grateful,  and  who,  I  have 
no  doubt,  was  a  very  clever  fellow,  I  gained  my  suit, 
and  rejoiced  mightily  in  the  laws,  which  were  now 
entirely  restored  to  my  good  graces. 

But  I  might  have  kept  my  joy  for  a  better  opportu 
nity.  My  honest  friend  was  not  satisfied,  like  me,  with 
my  Lord  Mansfield's  decision.  He  appealed  to  a  su 
perior  court ;  but,  luckily,  Lord  Mansfield  reigned  para 
mount  there  also,  and  again  I  was  triumphant.  It  cost 
me  all  the  proceeds  of  my  estate  that  year  though ;  it 
was  one  of  Pyrrhus's  victories.  My  honest  friend  again 
appealed  to  a  still  higher  court ;  I  thought  there  was  no 
end  to  them.  Here  he  kept  me  dangling  for  three  years 
more,  waiting,  as  he  afterward  boasted,  for  some  new 
decision  of  an  English  judge,  that  should  overthrow 
Lord  Mansfield's  doctrine,  and  turn  it  upside  down.  At 
length  such  a  decision  was  made  by  a  sage  of  the 
bench ;  one,  in  fact,  that  seemed  made  exactly  to  suit 
his  purpose.  It  was  directly  in  the  teeth  of  his  lord 
ship,  and  unsettled  the  law  of  at  least  half  a  century.  In 
charging  the  jury,  his  honour  delivered  himself  to  this 
effect : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury  :  The  perfection  and  beauty 
of  the  law  consists  in  this — that  it  is  not  only  a  rule  of 
action,  but  a  rule  which,  being  founded  in  the  perfection 
of  reason  and  the  wisdom  of  ages,  is  not  liable  to  those 
changes  to  which  all  else  is  subjected  in  this  world. 
.Such  is  the  stability  of  this  rule  of  action,  that  a  man 


140         THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

may  at  all  times  know  the  extent  of  his  rights  and  his 
duties,  and  the  course  necessary  for  him  to  pursue  in 
order  to  secure  those  rights  and  perform  those  duties. 
Law  is,  in  fact,  the  result  of  the  perfection  of  reason, 
based  on  the  accumulated  wisdom  of  ages.  This  may 
be  most  especially  affirmed  of  the  common  law,  which 
is  expressly  founded  upon  maxims  and  practices  so 
ancient,  that  the  memory  of  man  runneth  not  to  the 
contrary  thereof. 

"  Yet,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  certain  self-sufficient 
persons,  misled  by  that  ignis-fatuus,  common  sense, 
have  affected  to  lament,  that  notwithstanding  this  perfec 
tion  of  the  common  law,  it  is  exposed  to  one  very  serious 
imperfection.  In  the  lapse  of  ages  necessary  to  pnn 
duce  that  perfect  oblivion  of  the  origin  of  any  rule  or 
custom  which  makes  it  amount  to  law,  mankind  have 
from  time  to  time  forgot  what  the  custom  actually  is, 
and  great  doubts  and  uncertainties  arise  in  consequence 
thereof.  Thus,  say  these  cavillers,  though  there  is  no 
doubt  that  the  common  law  is  really  and  truly  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason,  if  we  could  only  rescue  it  perfectly  from 
the  obscurity  of  ages,  yet,  as  it  is,  we  must  take  it  as  we 
find  it  laid  down  by  persons  who  differ  continually  from 
each  other.  The  mischief,  continue  they,  is,  that  such 
is  the  diversity,  the  waywardness,  the  pride,  and  the  ob 
stinacy  of  human  reason,  that  these  oracles  differ  one 
among  another,  upon  almost  every  principle  of  the  com 
mon  law.  By  this  means,  the  common  law,  in  effect, 
ceases  to  be  a  rule  of  action,  since  it  is  impossible  to 
say  that  a  dozen  different  rules  can  make  one  rule. 

"  In  order  to  decide  upon  these  contradictory  deci 
sions,  different  judges  resort,  not  to  their  own  opinions, 
but  to  the  opinions'  and  decisions  of  others.  Some  are 
of  opinion,  that  as  the  whole  force  and  authority  of  the 
common  law  is  derived  from  its  antiquity,  it  follows,  that 
the  people  of  these  remote  ages  were  wiser  than  those 
which  succeeded  them.  As  a  matter  of  course,  if  this 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        141 

position  be  correct,  then  the  decisions  of  persons  living 
the  nearest  to  the  sources  and  origin  of  the  common 
law  must  be  of  the  greatest  authority  in  settling  its  prin 
ciples.  They  argue,  that  if  those  ages  and  sages  which 
produced  and  expounded  the  doctrines  and  practice  of 
the  common  law  were  not  wiser  or  at  least  as  wise  as 
we  are  at  present,  it  were  best  to  discard  it  entirely,  or 
so  modify  it  as  to  make  it  comport  with  the  wisdom  of 
the  present  times. 

"  Some,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  on  the  other  hand, 
maintain  a  contrary  doctrine  in  expounding  the  princi 
ples  of  the  common  law.  They  argue,  that  as  it  is  a 
received  axiom  that  every  succeeding  age  is  wiser  than 
its  predecessor,  the  probability  is  that  it  must  produce 
wiser  men  in  every  science.  Hence,  it  would  seem  to 
follow,  say  they,  that  those  decisions  which  approach 
the  nearest  to  our  time  should  be  most  relied  upon, — 
in  other  words,  that  every  succeeding  decision  is  of 
weightier  authority  than  the  preceding  one  ;  and  conse 
quently  that  it  operates  somewhat  in  the  nature  of  anew 
law,  which  abrogates  the  old.  Among  those  who  be 
lieve  that  human  reason  is  every  day  becoming  more 
perfect,  I  profess  myself  to  be  one,  and  of  consequence 
I  consider  the  latest  decisions  on  points  of  law  as  un 
questionably  the  best.  We  prefer  new  fashions  in  dress, 
furniture,  and  other  matters  on  account  of  their  superior 
elegance  ;  and  why  should  we  not,  in  like  manner,  prefer 
new  opinions  ?  There  is,  in  fact,  a  fashion  in  science 
and  literature  as  well  as  in  every  thing  else  ;  and  not  to 
follow  it  is  to  depart  from  the  spirit  of  the  age.  A  man 
who  should  at  this  time  of  day  believe  in  astrology  and 
reject  phrenology,  would  be  considered  quite  as  antedi 
luvian  as  one  that  should  discard  high  capes  and  put  on 
high  ruffs.  Were  a  physician  to  confine  himself  to  the 
lessons  of  experience,  and  invent  no  new  theories,  he 
would  never  become  president  of  a  medical  college — 
and  were  a  lawyer  to  found  his  practice  on  the  simple 


142        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

rules  of  a  written  code,  it  is  almost  a  moral  certainty 
that  he  would  never  grow  rich.  There  would  be  an 
end  to  the  glory  of  the  profession,  and  the  still  more  glo 
rious  uncertainty  of  the  law. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  is  a  vulgar  error  to  sup 
pose,  because  the  common  law  is  the  perfection  of  rea 
son,  that  it  is  to  remain  stationary  and  unalterable.  To 
be  permanently  perfect,  it  must  be  changing  continually, 
in  order  to  accommodate  itself  to  the  wisdom  of  the 
age,  which,  for  the  time  being,  is  always  the  perfection 
of  wisdom.  Every  thing  new  is  undoubtedly  an  im 
provement  upon  the  old.  It  may  be  objected,  perhaps, 
to  this  doctrine  that  as  the  common  law  is  a  rule  of 
action,  it  is  indispensable  that  the  rule  should  be  known 
to  all,  and  consequently  that  it  should  be  permanent. 
This  reasoning  is  entirely  fallacious.  In  the  first  place, 
there  is  no  necessity  that  a  rule  should  be  settled  or  per 
manent,  to  constitute  it  a  rule.  The  moon  changes 
every  day,  and  yet  nobody  denies  it  to  be  a  moon.  No 
two  years  are  exactly  the  same,  and  yet  the  seasons  re 
main  unalterable  ;  and  no  man  continues  unchanged  to 
the  end  of  his  life,  yet  nobody  denies  that  he  is  still  the 
same  man.  So  is  the  rule  a  rule,  though  it  should  alter 
every  day  of  the  year.  The  same  fallacy  is  observable 
in  the  argument  that  a  rule  of  action  should  necessarily 
be  known  to  those  who  are  expected  to  be  guided  by  it 
in  the  common  affairs  of  life.  Such  a  doctrine,  gentle 
men,  would  be  fatal  to  the  liberal  and  learned  profes 
sions.  Men  are  expected  to  get  well,  when  they  grow 
sick  ;  yet  it  is  absolutely  requisite  to  have  physicians  to 
cure  them.  They  are,  moreover,  expected  to  be  ac 
quainted  with  the  laws  which  are  to  regulate  their  con 
duct  ;  yet  it  is  necessary  to  have  lawyers  and  judges  to 
interpret  them,  which  we  all  know  is  rather  a  difficult 
matter.  If  mankind  were  all  virtuous  there  would  be  no 
need  of  preachers  ;  if  they  were  all  in  good  health  there 
would  be  no  occasion  for  doctors ;  and  if  they  were  all 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        143 

wise  there  would  be  no  occasion  for  lawyers  or  judges 
— for  no  man  would  ever  go  to  law. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  flatter  myself  I  have  now 
succeeded  in  establishing  the  following  positions  : — 
First,  that  the  common  law  is  the  perfection  of  reason, 
because  it  adapts  itself  to  our  reason,  or  our  reason 
adapts  itself  to  the  common  law.  Secondly,  that  inas 
much  as  the  common  law  derives  its  authority  from  its 
early  adoption  by  our  ancestors,  it  seems  to  follow,  as  a 
matter  of  course,  that  the  latest  decisions  on  it  must  be 
the  most  irrefragable.  There  is  thus  the  wisdom  of 
invention  belonging  to  our  ancestors,  and  the  wisdom 
of  improvement  belonging  to  their  descendants;  both 
which,  combined,  constitute  the  perfection  of  reason. 
Thirdly,  that  though  the  law  is  a  rule  of  action,  there  is 
no  necessity  that  it  should  either  be  understood  by  every 
body  alike,  or  indeed  by  anybody  but  gentlemen  of  the 
profession.  Nor  is  it  proper  that  even  they  should  un 
derstand  it  exactly  alike,  for  in  that  case  the  judges,  in 
stead  of  having  perhaps  ten  or  a  dozen  different  opinions 
to  take  their  choice  of,  would  be  confined  to  one  alone. 
Berides  this,  as  two  different  opinions  are  necessary  to 
a  suit  at  law,  if  the  rule  were  so  simple  and  plain  as  to 
be  comprehended  by  persons  of  ordinary  understanding, 
there  would  be  none  but  fools  that  would  go  to  law,  and 
that  would  destroy  the  dignity  of  the  profession.  Fourthly, 
that  a  rule  of  action  need  not  be  permanent  to  constitute 
it  a  rule,  is  instanced  in  the  case  of  the  moon,  which, 
although  not  laid  down  in  any  of  the  books,  is  con 
clusive. 

"  From  these  positions  it  results,  gentlemen  of  the 
jury,  that  you  will  find  a  verdict  for  the  plaintiff.  I  am 
free  to  confess,  that  had  the  decision  of  Lord  Mansfield 
in  the  matter  of  the  manor  of  Cock-a- doodle,  been  pos 
terior  to  that  of  my  Lord-Chief-Justice  Bridlegoose,  I 
should  have  given  an  opinion  directly  to  the  contrary. 
The  decision  of  Judge  Bridlegoose,  being  the  latest,  is 


144       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

certainly  the  best,  as  he  has  the  advantage,  not  only  of 
Lord  Mansfield's,  but  his  own  wisdom  besides,  to  direct 
him — which  is  two  to  one  at  least.  I  acknowledge  it  is 
a  hard  case,  gentlemen,  a  very  hard  case  ;  and  I  could 
almost  wish  J  udge  Bridlegoose  had  delayed  his  opinion 
till  this  suit  was  decided.  The  defendant  has,  how 
ever,  his  remedy  at  law.  He  can  wait  till  a  new  opin 
ion  comes  out,  in  opposition  to  Judge  Bridiegoose,  and 
then  commence  a  suit  for  the  recovery  of  his  property." 

What  a  pity  Lord  Mansfield  had  not  been  a  little 
later  in  coming  into  the  world  !  I  should  have  been  a  rich 
man  probably  to  this  day,  in  spite  of  the  perfection  of 
reason.  As  it  was,  I  lost  my  estate,  only  because  Judge 
Bridlegoose,  unfortunately  for  me,  had  the  last  word. 
I  would  have  appealed  from  this  decision,  but  unluckily 
there  was  no  court  to  appeal  to  ;  we  had  got  to  the  top 
of  the  ladder,  and  there  was  an  end  to  the  perfection  of 
reason. 

This  blow  was  soon  followed  up  by  another,  and  yet 
another,  which,  both  together,  left  me  destitute  of  every 
thing  like  real  property  in  this  world,  if  the  word  real 
can  apply  to  any  thing  which  lies  at  the  mercy  of  the 
perfection  of  reason.  In  producing  the  papers  neces 
sary  to  establish  my  right  to  the  property  of  which  I  had 
been  divested,  in  the  manner  just  related,  by  the  perfec 
tion  of  Judge  Bridlegoose's  reason,  I  unwarily  exhibited 
two  deeds  relating  to  two  other  tracts  of  land  of  which 
my  good  uncle  had  been  in  possession  I  know  not  how 
long.  It  happened  that  one  of  these  was  without  a  seal, 
and  the  other  did  not  specify  that  the  conveyance  was 
made  to  the  purchaser,  his  heirs,  and  assigns  for  ever. 
The  lawyer  who  examined  them  immediately  scented  a 
couple  of  exquisite  lawsuits.  He  went  to  work,  and 
after  more  than  half  a  year's  indefatigable  research  dis 
covered  the  heirs  of  the  persons  from  whom  my  uncle 
derived  his  title. 

I  was  again  accused,  in  technical  phrase,  of  assault- 


THE   PERFECTION    OP   REASON.  145 

ing,  beating,  bruising,  and  maltreating  some  half  a 
dozen  men,  women,  and  children,  whom  I  had  never 
seen,  and  of  fraudulently  keeping  possession  of  prop 
erty  which  had  descended  to  me  through  two  or  three 
generations.  Formerly  I  should  have  smiled  at  these 
attempts  to  dispossess  me,  but  I  began  to  doubt  whether, 
in  the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  there  was  such  a 
thing  as  an  indefeasible  title  even  to  the  possession  of  a 
man's  own  head.  Besides,  I  was  horribly  afraid  that 
Judge  Bridlegoose  might  have  been  giving  another  opin 
ion,  that  would  do  my  business  as  effectually  as  the  first. 

In  the  first  of  these  cases  the  flaw  in  my  title  con 
sisted  in  the  want  of  a  seal  to  the  deed  of  conveyance. 
There  was  no  doubt  as  to  the  handwriting  of  the  per 
son  who  made  it ;  but  still  it  was  contended  that  the  ab 
sence  of  the  seal  rendered  the  whole  a  nullity.  It  was 
the  seal,  and  not  the  handwriting,  which  verified  the  in 
strument.  I  produced  receipts  for  the  purchase,  prov 
ing  beyond  doubt  that  a  full  and  fair  value  was  given 
and  received,  but  all  would  not  do.  Even  my  own 
counsel  had  nothing  to  say  in  favour  of  my  right.  All 
argument  was  waived  for  once,  and  the  judge  gave  his 
charge  to  the  jury.  I  was  rejoiced  to  see  that  he  was 
a  different  person  from  the  judge  who  had  such  a  great 
opinion  of  Chief-justice  Bridlegoose,  but  I  soon  found  I 
had  only  got  out  of  the  frying-pan  into  the  fire.  His 
honour  began — 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury  :  I  cannot  sufficiently  con 
gratulate  both  myself  and  you,  that  we  are  here  delib 
erating  and  deciding  under  the  purest  and  most  perfect 
system  of  laws  with  which  any  people  were  ever 
blessed  ;  a  system  combining  the  wisdom  of  our  ances 
tors  with  that  of  our  own — a  system  happily  character 
ized  by  the  sages  of  the  law,  as  the  result  of  the  expe 
rience  of  ages,  and  the  perfection  of  reason.  I  speak, 
gentlemen,  of  the  common  law — which  is,  I  will  ven 
ture  to  say — I  can  hardly  say  what  it  is — sometimes  it 
13  G 


146  THE    PERFECTION   OF   REASOIC. 

is  one  thing,  sometimes  another — sometimes  it  is  founded 
upon  a  rule,  and  sometimes  upon  exceptions  to  a  rule — 
sometimes  it  is  defined,  and  sometimes  it  is  not  defined 
— sometimes  it  is  the  product  of  ages  of  darkness, 
illustrated  and  explained  by  the  wisdom  of  ages  of  light 
— and  sometimes  it  is  the  offspring  of  ages  of  light,  mel 
lowed  down,  as  it  were,  into  an  agreeable  twilight,  by  the 
obscurities  of  ages  of  darkness.  It  is,  in  fact,  gentle 
men,  a  chaos  of  wisdom  and  experience,  out  of  which 
issues  beauty  and  order,  as  did  the  fair  creations  of  this 
harmonious  universe.  Even  its  inconsistencies  and 
diversities  may  be  justly  said  to  contribute  to  its  un 
equalled  perfection.  As  in  a  concert,  the  different  instru 
ments,  all  played  by  different  persons,  and  the  different 
voices  attuned  to  different  pitches,  men,  women,  and 
children,  counter,  tenor,  treble,  and  bass,  all  conduce 
to  the  nicest  and  most  accurate  harmony  ;  so  do  the  dif 
ferent  opinions  of  different  judges  and  jurists  adminis 
ter  to  the  harmony,  beauty,  and  perfection  of  the  com 
mon  law. 

"  Another  excellence  peculiar  to  the  common  law  is 
its  capacity  of  adapting  itself  to  times,  changes,  and 
circumstances,  without  any  other  violence  than  an  occa 
sional  departure  from  common  sense — a  species  of  in 
stinct  which  the  law  holds  in  little  respect.  Hence  we 
find  it  in  one  age  one  thing,  in  another  age  another 
thing;  in  the  mouth  of  one  judge  it  speaks  one  opinion, 
in  that  of  another  judge  another  opinion,  according  to 
the  variations  produced  by  time,  the  difference  of  cli 
mate,  the  wind,  the  fashion,  and  other  modifying  circum 
stances.  Hence  too,  and  this  is  another  peculiar  excel 
lence  of  the  law,  that  let  a  man's  case  be  apparently 
ever  so  bad,  it  is  ten  to  one  but  he  can  find,  somewhere 
or  another,  a  decision  of  some  court  or  judge  that 
makes  in  his  favour.  This  is  what  is  meant  by  the  law 
looking  with  equal  eyes  on  all  persons,  and  presuming 
every  man  to  be  innocent  till  he  is  found  guilty.  The 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        147 

common  law  has,  in  fact,  all  the  qualities  of  the  famous 
pair  of  enchanted  seven-league  boots,  which,  it  is  re 
corded,  fitted  everybody,  great  and  small,  from  little 
Hop-o'-my-thumb  to  the  great  giant  Blunderbore. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  common  law  is,  above 
all,  venerable  for  its  antiquity,  a  point  on  which  I  shall 
insist,  particularly  as  it  has  a  direct  bearing  upon  this 
case.  Its  very  essence  consists  in  the  obscurity  of  its 
origin,  like  the  claim  of  many  families  to  nobility.  From 
this  early  origin  arises  the  indispensable  requirement  of 
the  common  law,  that  a  seal  should  be  necessary  to  con 
stitute  a  legal  conveyance  of  real  property.  The  ne 
cessity  of  this  will  become  sufficiently  apparent  when 
we  consider  the  fact,  that  in  those  remote  periods  which 
produced  that  stupendous  edifice  of  wisdom  called  the 
common  law,  not  one  in  a  thousand  could  either  read  or 
write.  I  leave  it  to  you,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  to  ex 
plain  how  it  happened,  as  it  did  undoubtedly  happen,  that 
the  perfection  of  wisdom  should  have  originated  in  the 
perfection  of  ignorance.  It  is  a  severe  reflection  upon 
learning  and  refinement,  certainly,  that  to  this  day  they 
have  not  been  able  to  improve  upon  this  great  work  of 
ignorance  and  barbarity.  However,  this  we  must  leave 
to  inquirers  in  other  places  :  until  the  English  judges 
have  decided  upon  this  matter  I  shall  hold  my  tongue. 
People  that  cannot  write,  or  who  consider  writing  be 
neath  their  dignity  and  rank,  generally  make  their  mark 
now-a-days,  in  the  shape  of  a  cross,  to  indicate,  I  im 
agine,  that  by  this  sacred  symbol  they  pledge  themselves 
to  what  they  have  thus  signed.  But  in  those  early  ages 
of  the  perfection  of  reason,  it  was  the  custom  to  affix  a 
seal,  bearing  some  legend  or  device,  identifying  it  with 
the  person  to  whose  act  or  deed  it  was  appended.  This 
custom  appears  at  least  as  ancient  as  the  era  of  Solo 
mon,  and  thus  far  we  can  distinctly  trace  the  antiquity 
of  this  peculiarity  of  the  common  law.  Gentlemen, 
Solomon  was  a  wise  man,  and  must  have  had  good  rea- 
G2 


148        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

sons  for  what  he  did.  The  seal  of  Solomon  is  fre 
quently  alluded  to  in  the  Koran.  In  like  manner,  we 
find  the  ancient  kings  of  Asia  signifying  their  sovereign 
behests,  by  sending  a  person  with  their  seal,  as  evidence 
of  the  orders  he  carried.  To  intrust  a  favourite  with 
a  seal  in  the  days  of  Haroun  Alraschid  was  to  give  into 
his  hands  the  power  of  the  whole  empire  of  the  caliphs. 
The  custom,  therefore,  of  affixing  a  seal  is  sanctioned 
by  great  names  and  long  usages,  the  eternal  basis  of 
truth  and  justice. 

"  The  practice  thus  derived  from  the  remotest  anti 
quity  subsists   in  the  present  age,  in  the  law  alone,  the 
great  depository  of  all  the  sacred  relics  of  time  and  igno 
rance,  preserved  by  the  hallowed   industry  of  the  pro 
fession.     I  had  like  to  have  forgotten,  however,  to  ob 
serve  that  the  reasons  on  which  it  was  founded  have 
entirely   ceased.      In  this  country,  at  least,  almost  all 
persons  of  both  sexes,  who  can  ever  be  supposed  in  a 
situation  to  make   conveyance  of  land,  can  write  their 
names.      If  there  should  be  occasionally  a  solitary  in 
stance  to  the  contrary,  witnesses  can  always  be  obtained 
to  sign  their  names,  and  thus  verify  the  instrument.     I 
will  not  deny,  too,  that  the  signature  of  a  person  in  his 
own  proper  handwriting,  properly  attested  by  witnesses, 
and  verified  by  a  magistrate,  is  rather  stronger  evidence 
of  authenticity  than  the  mere  affixing  a  seal.     But  this 
does  not  in  reality  render  a  seal  less  necessary,  as  a 
corroborative  and  security,  in  addition  to  the  signatures. 
It  is  easy  for  a  man  to  sign  the  name  of  another,  and  to 
imitate  it  with  sufficient  exactness  for  all  the  purposes 
of  fraud  ;  but  it  is  not  so  easy  to  get  a  wafer  or  bit 
of  wax  for  a  seal.      The  seal,  therefore,  is   additional 
security  that  the  instrument  is  genuine.      Besides,  if  it 
were  not  so,  the  very  tenor  of  the  instrument  is    *  wit 
ness  my  hand  and  seal:      Now,  if  there  is  no  seal,  the 
conveyance  asserts  what  is  not  true— it  presents  on  the 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        149 

face  of  it  a  falsehood — it  is  therefore  a  fraudulent  con 
veyance,  and  must  be  set  aside." 

The  jury  accordingly  set  it  aside ;  and  thus  was  I 
deprived  of  my  land,  only  because  King  Solomon  and 
Haroun  Alraschid,  not  being  able  or  willing  to  write  their 
names,  signified  their  sovereign  will  by  a  seal.  It  is 
not  for  nothing  that  the  most  enlightened  statesmen 
consider  learning  as  so  mischievous  an  ingredient  in 
human  affairs.  If  there  had  been  no  such  villanous 
practice  as  that  of  writing  of  names,  my  unlucky  con 
veyance  would  have  had  a  seal  to  it,  and  I  might  have 
been  in  quiet  possession  of  my  land  to  this  day.  As  it 
was,  I  lost  it  for  lack  of  a  wafer,  or  a  little  bit  of  wax, 
not  worth  a  stiver.  I  confess  I  considered  it  rather  a 
hard  case,  that  I  should  lose  one  estate  in  consequence 
of  one  judge's  veneration  for  the  latest,  and  a  second  on 
account  of  another's  veneration  for  the  earliest  practice 
under  the  common  law. 

Well  was  it  said  that  riches  make  unto  themselves 
wings  and  fly  away  ;  and  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  one  of 
these  wings  is  the  common  law.  At  least  it  was  so 
with  me.  The  very  next  day,  as  if  to  take  me  while  I 
was  going,  the  other  cause  came  on  for  the  farm  that  had 
only  been  conveyed  to  my  uncle,  and  not  to  his  heirs, 
as  was  undoubtedly  intended  by  both  parties.  The 
amount  of  the  purchase-money  was  acknowledged  on 
all  hands  to  be  far  too  great  to  admit  of  the  supposition 
that  my  uncle,  who  was  at  the  time  of  purchasing 
almost  seventy  years  old,  contemplated  only  a  life  estate. 
Common  sense  offered  another  presumption  hi  my 
favour,  in  the  fact  that  the  property  had  never  been  ques 
tioned  or  claimed  till  the  present  moment,  a  lapse  of 
more  than  a  quarter  of  a  century,  by  the  adverse  party. 
But  these  presumptions,  although  conclusive  in  the  eye 
of  common  sense,  were  of  no  account  in  the  estimation 
of  the  perfection  of  reason.  The  law  was  against  me, 
and  there  was  an  end  of  the  business.  It  was,  more- 


150        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

over,  an  old  law,  which,  like  old  wine,  ought  always  to 
take  precedence.  Moreover,  it  had  been  no  doubt 
founded  in  the  perfection  of  reason  at  some  time  or 
other,  and  though  the  reasons  had  long  since  ceased  to 
exist,  still  the  law  remained,  and  it  was  the  perfection 
of  reason  to  retain  the  law,  when  the  reason  had  passed 
away.  It  was  unquestionably  the  misfortune  of  my 
ancestor  that  the  conveyance  was  not  full — but  CAVEAT 
EMPTOR  !  Whenever  I  heard  Caveat  Emptor  quoted, 
I  knew  it  was  all  over  with  me,  and  quietly  resigned 
myself  to  be  dealt  with  according  to  the  perfection  of 
reason,  which  has  decided,  that  if  one  man  places  con 
fidence  in  another,  he  forfeits  all  right  to  the  protection 
of  the  common  law.  Thus  it  appeared  to  me  that  while 
the  law  inculcated  morality,  it  upheld  fraud — an  inconsis 
tency  which  could  not  but  be  highly  injurious  to  the 
integrity  of  mankind.  Th«  judge  charged  the  jury,  that 
though  there  was  not  the  least  doubt  that  the  property 
was  purchased  in  fee-simple  for  ever,  and  that  it  was 
both  unjust  and  unreasonable  to  deprive  me  of  it ;  yet, 
as  by  the  common  law,  which  was  undoubtedly  the  per 
fection  of  reason,  I  had  no  title  to  the  possession,  they 
must  of  necessity  find  against  me.  As  by  the  common 
law,  and  indeed  the  law  in  general,  a  jury  is  considered 
as  having  no  comprehension  of  any  thing  but  matter  of 
fact,  a  verdict  was  given  against  me,  of  course.  The 
opposite  party  condoled  with  me  on  this  untoward  re 
sult  ;  but  comforted  me  at  the  same  time  with  the 
assurance  that  though  he  had  an  undoubted  claim  to  the 
back  rents,  still  he  was  too  generous  to  bring  it  forward 
against  me. 

Thus  does  the  law  visit  the  sins  of  the  father  upon 
the  children  to  the  third  and  fourth  generation,  and  thus 
was  I  dispossessed  of  three  estates,  one  after  the  other : 
the  first,  by  the  authority  of  my  Lord-Chief-justice 
Bridlegoose,  who  was  good  enough  to  decide  upon  my 
case  without  my  knowledge  or  consent — the  second,  by 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        151 

the  inexcusable  carelessness  of  one  ancestor  in  omitting 
to  have  his  deed  sealed  as  well  as  signed — and  the 
third,  because  another  of  my  ancestors  forgot  that  in 
buying  for  himself  he  was  not  buying  for  his  heirs.  I 
think,  however,  I  may  say  with  perfect  truth,  that  the 
trouble  my  losses  gave  me  was  nothing  to  the  trouble  I 
had  to  reconcile  these  decisions  to  the  wisdom  of  ages 
and  the  perfection  of  reason.  My  perplexity  was  such 
that  I  fell  sick,  and  for  some  time  became  actually  de 
ranged  in  the  attempt  to  bring  about  this  hopeless  re 
conciliation.  In  short,  I  fairly  lost  my  wits  in  searching 
for  the  wisdom  of  ages  and  the  perfection  of  reason  in 
the  inextricable  labyrinth  of  the  common  law.  When  I 
recovered,  I  was  told  that  during  my  temporary  aliena 
tion  of  mind,  I  had  delivered  more  than  one  legal  opin 
ion,  that  would  have  done  honour  to  a  lord-chancellor. 

On  my  recovery,  my  thoughts  naturally  turned  to  the 
state  of  my  affairs.  What  with  the  wisdom  of  ages, 
the  perfection  of  reason,  and  Judge  Bridlegoose,  I  had 
scarcely  sufficient  left  for  the  support  of  a  gentleman.  I 
had  a  few  thousands  in  the  funds,  but  did  not  know  how 
soon  I  should  be  deprived  of  these  by  the  decision  of 
Judge  Bridlegoose,  or  some  new  luminary  of  the  law 
that  might  spring  up  in  foreign  parts,  to  my  utter  con 
fusion  and  ruin.  In  casting  about  for  the  best  means  of 
retrieving  my  affairs,  an  opening  seemed  to  present 
itself  in  the  pursuits  of  commerce.  I  saw  hundreds 
around  me,  apparently  sporting  in  the  sunshine  of  wealth, 
and  risitig  from  nothing  to  the  summit  of  opulence,  as 
if  by  magic.  I  resolved  to  commence  business  upon 
the  capital  I  had  still  left,  and  the  experience  I  had  ac 
quired  in  the  common  law.  I  flattered  myself  I  under 
stood  Caveat  Emptor  pretty  well,  and  with  it  all  the  mys 
teries  of  bargaining. 

I  must  apologize  for  the  transactions  of  that  portion 
of  my  life  upon  which  I  am  now  entering.  I  confess, 
when  I  look  back  I  am  ashamed  of  it.  But  we  have 


152        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

covenanted  to  disguise  nothing  from  each  other,  and  I 
shall  not  spare  myself.  Thus  much,  however,  I  will 
offer  in  extenuation.  I  had  been  accustom  d  from  my 
earliest  youth  to  consider  the  common  law,  not  only  as 
the  perfection  of  reason,  but  as  the  standard  of  moral 
obligation,  the  guardian  of  ignorance,  the  protector  of 
weakness,  and  the  shield  of  the  oppressed.  But  I  had 
appealed  to  it  to  avenge  frauds  committed  upon  me  in 
vain,  and  I  had  been  stripped  of  a  large  portion  of  my 
property,  by  decisions  which  my  own  reason,  that  guide 
and  monitor  which  is  the  only  true  prompter  of  man's 
conscience,  proclaimed  were  not  only  unjust,  but  absurd 
and  ridiculous.  These  decisions  had  not  only  weakened 
my  respect  for  the  laws,  but  my  perceptions  of  right  and 
wrong.  Awed  by  the  authority  of  ancient  usages,  and 
great  names  to  support  them,  I  was  often  tempted  to 
think  that  I  had  myself  mistaken  the  immutable  princi 
ples  of  morality  and  justice,  and  that  the  laws  were,  after 
all,  the  only  unerring  standard.  In  that  case  I  had  a 
right  to  make  use  of  the  experience  I  had  so  dearly  pur 
chased,  and  to  avail  myself  of  the  knowledge  which  had 
cost  me  so  much.  Heaven  knows  I  had  paid  dear 
enough  for  it,  and  I  thought  I  might  exert  it,  agreeably 
to  the  precepts  of  the  wisdom  of  ages  and  the  perfection 
of  reason.  In  fine,  gentlemen,  I  believe  it  will  too  fre 
quently  be  found,  that  a  man  who  often  appeals  in  vain 
to  the  laws  when  his  own  reason  and  conscience  teach 
him  that  his  cause  is  just,  or  who  suffers  by  their  ope 
ration  without  any  fault  of  his  own,  will  be  very  apt 
either  to  take  the  law  into  his  own  hands,  or  revenge 
his  injuries  and  disappointments,  by  converting  his  dear- 
bought  experience  into  the  means  of  repairing  his  losses 
at  the  expense  of  others.  There  is  nothing  perhaps 
which  is  so  productive  of  violence  and  fraud  as  a  gene 
ral  want  of  confidence  in  the  justice  of  the  laws. 

I  confess  with  shame   and  contrition  that  I  entered 
into  trade  with  a  full  resolution  of  making  Caveat  Emp- 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        153 

tor  pay  back  all  it  had  deprived  me  of  in  the  whole 
course  of  my  life.  I  was  not  quite  a  rogue ;  but  I  was  suf 
ficiently  so,  I  fear,  to  go  to  the  full  length  morality  of  the 
common  law — and  that  is  far  enough,  in  all  conscience. 
Preparatory  to  commencing  business  I  determined  to 
reduce  my  establishment,  which,  indeed,  I  had  not  the 
means  of  keeping  up  any  longer.  In  the  first  place,  I 
cast  about  how  to  dispose  of,  to  the  best  advantage,  my 
famous  span  of  horses,  which  I  was  resolved  to  believe 
most  firmly  were  not  only  both  horses,  but  both  per 
fectly  sound  and  free  from  fault — they  having  been  so 
pronounced  by  the  perfection  of  reason.  By-the-way, 
gentlemen,  my  last  purchase  turned  out  a  bad  bargain 
in  other  respects,  having  all  the  obstinacy  of  her  sex, 
and  as  many  tricks  as  a  monkey. 

There  was  an  old  lady,  a  neighbour  of  mine,  very 
rich,  and  nearly  blind,  who  had  an  old  coachman  half- 
blind  himself,  and  so  phlegmatic,  that  whenever  he  drove 
his  mistress  an  airing,  a  pleasant,  lively,  talkative  young 
lady  of  the  neighbourhood  wras  always  invited  to  be  of 
the  party,  to  sit  on  the  front  seat,  and  keep  him  awake 
by  incessant  talking.  In  short,  the  lady  was  old,  the 
coachman  old,  all  the  servants  of  the  establishment  so 
old  that  they  had  hardly  one  of  the  five  senses  in  per 
fection — the  horses  and  carriage  were  old,  and  the  cats 
and  dogs  so  very  old  that  they  had  outlived  their  in 
stincts,  and  lay  down  like  the  lion  and  the  lamb,  in  peace 
together. 

This  worthy  old  lady,  hearing  I  was  going  to  break 
up  housekeeping,  took  it  into  her  head  to  buy  my  horses, 
to  replace  her  own,  one  of  which  had  been  knocked  up 
in  the  desperate  effort  to  trot  down  a  hill.  I  sent  them 
over  for  her  to  look  at,  and  the  whole  household  turned 
out,  I  was  told,  to  examine  their  points.  There  was 
not  a  good  eye  among  the  whole  of  them.  The  old 
lady  bought  my  span,  and  the  very  next  day,  being  Sun 
day,  set  forth  to  a  neighbouring  church  to  exhibit  her 
G3 


154         THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

new  acquisition.  She  arrived  there,  after  no  small  vexa 
tion  and  delay,  owing  to  the  vagaries  of  the  ever-memo 
rable  feminine  horse  which  has  heretofore  figured  in  my 
story.  She  had  a  habit  of  stopping  short  now  and  then, 
but  was  not  otherwise  vicious ;  and  it  was  worth  while 
to  see  the  one-eyed  gentleman,  her  companion,  turn 
round  and  look  at  her  on  these  occasions,  as  if  to  ask 
an  explanation.  He  was  certainly  a  horse  of  great 
parts,  though  he  had  but  one  eye  and  was  broken- 
winded. 

There  was  not  a  soul  at  church  but  knew  my  horses, 
and  had  heard  the  story  of  the  mysterious  animal  that 
was  a  horse  in  the  eye  of  the  law,  and  a  mare  in  the  eyes 
of  everybody  else.  They  all  flocked  round,  and  the 
tale  was  repeated  at  least  two  hundred  times.  Never 
since  the  days  of  Gil  Bias's  mule  was  an  animal  so 
taken  to  pieces,  criticised,  reviewed,  and  held  up  to 
naught  as  were  those  of  the  good  old  lady.  She  was  in 
such  a  passion  that  when  she  got  home  she  could  not 
tell  either  chapter  or  verse  of  the  text.  The  next 
morning  she  sent  them  over,  with  a  tart  note,  charging 
me  with  deception,  and  demanding  her  money  back 
again. 

"  CAVEAT  EMPTOR  !"  cried  I,  and  snapped  my  fin 
gers  at  the  old  lady,  just  as  the  horse-jockey  did  at  me. 
I  was  sure  I  had  the  common  law  on  my  side  this  time, 
and  defied  justice  and  all  her  works.  I  had  given  no 
warranty,  and  had  not  even  verbally  answered  for  my 
horses.  The  old  lady  brought  a  suit ;  but  I  cared  not 
a  rush  for  it,  and  only  cautioned  my  lawyer  to  ply  them 
well  with  Caveat  Emptor,  whenever  he  had  an  opportu 
nity.  I  ought  to  mention  there  was  a  new  judge  on  the 
bench  ;  the  admirer  of  Judge  Bridlegoose  and  his  de 
cisions  being  absent  on  some  account  or  other.  As  ill 
luck  would  have  it,  the  brazen  trumpet,  who  by  his  elo 
quence  had  wrought  the  jury  to  pronounce  one  of  these 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        165 

same  horses  a  sound  horse  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
law,  was  again  opposed  to  me. 

In  the  first  place,  the  old  lady  proved  the  horses  were 
both  bad.  But  this  I  did  not  mind,  so  long  as  I  had 
honest  Caveat  Employ  on  my  side. 

In  the  second  place,  she  proved  that  I  knew  they 
were  bad.  The  counsel  read  the  record  of  the  decision, 
by  which  I  had  the  blinker  thrown  on  my  hands,  to  prove 
him  an  unsound  horse.  Now  this  was  the  very  de 
cision  on  which  I  had  relied,  in  conjunction  with  Caveat 
Emptor,  to  bring  me  off  with  flying  colours.  I  calcu 
lated  to  prove  by  it,  that  as  he  had  been  decided,  virtu 
ally  at  least,  to  be  a  sound  animal,  by  being  thrown  on 
my  hands  as  a  fair  purchase,  I  had  a  right  to  dispose  of 
him  as  such  at  any  time. 

After  the  testimony  was  concluded  the  brazen  trum 
pet  attacked  me  with  the  whole  force  of  his  lungs,  and 
tore  me  all  to  naught,  for  doing  exactly  what  the  perfec 
tion  of  reason  authorizes  everybody  to  do — making  use 
of  my  superior  knowledge  in  bargaining.  I  am  sure  I 
had  paid  for  it.  He  contradicted  every  word  he  said  on 
a  former  trial,  and  made  me  out  to  be  one  of  the  greatest 
rogues  in  existence.  And  so  I  was  for  aught  I  know,  for 
I  had  been  corrupted  by  the  common  law  and  Caveat 
Einptor.  My  old  counsel  made  an  excellent  defence — 
indeed,  he  and  the  other  counsel  seemed  to  have  ex 
changed  souls,  or  at  least  tongues,  on  this  occasion.  I 
remarked  that  the  trumpet  used  the  very  same  argu 
ments  against  me  as  defendant,  that  my  present  counsel 
did  in  my  favour  when  I  was  plaintiff,  in  a  similar  suit, 
and  that  on  the  contrary,  my  counsel  borrowed  his  old 
arguments  to  apply  to  this  new  suit.  All  this  struck  me 
as  odd,  but  I  suppose  the  perfection  of  reason  consists 
in  the  capacity  of  accommodating  itself  to  time  and 
occasion.  But  it  was  the  argument  of  the  judge  that 
threw  me  into  despair. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "  the  common 


156        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

law  is  not  only  the  wisdom  of  ages,  and  the  perfection 
of  reason,  but  it  is  likewise  essentially  a  moral  code, 
which,  at  the  same  time  that  it  protects  and  vindicates 
the  rights  of  the  people,  teaches  them  their  duties.  The 
learned  counsel  for  the  defendant  has  relied  mainly  upon 
the  suit  which  has  just  been  cited,  in  which  the  very 
horse  now  in  question  was  decided  to  be  a  fair  pur 
chase,  and  left  on  his  hands.  He  contends  that  this  de 
cision  was,  in  effect,  sanctioning  the  practice  of  imposing 
an  unsound  animal  upon  a  purchaser,  or  at  least,  if  not 
so,  he  contends  that  it  decided  the  character  of  the 
horse  as  a  sound  animal,  in  the  eye  of  the  common 
law. 

"  Gentlemen,  the  learned  counsel  forgets,  that  though 
this  is  the  same  horse,  the  court  and  jury  are  very  dif 
ferent  from  those  which  decided  the  former  case.  My 
worthy  brother,  for  whose  learning,  sagacity,  and  legal 
acumen  I  have  the  most  exalted  respect,  is,  however,  I 
must  be  permitted  to  say,  rather  too  much  under  the 
thumb  of  Caveat  Emptor,  and  follows  the  practice  of 
the  English  judges,  who,  I  think,  give  it  too  great  a  lati 
tude  in  covering  fraud  and  deception.  Now,  I,  gentle 
men,  incline  to  the  doctrines  of  Grotius,  Wolf,  and 
others  of  the  writers  on  natural  law,  which  rests,  in  fact, 
on  the  same  basis  with  the  common  law,  and  who  min 
gle  a  considerable  portion  of  equity  in  their  ideas  of 
covenants.  They  differ  with  many  of  the  English  au 
thorities  in  their  exposition  of  the  maxim  of  Caveat 
Emptor,  and  consequently  in  their  estimate  of  the  de 
gree  of  diligence  and  circumspection  necessary  in  the 
buyer,  and  the  latitude  to  be  given  to  the  seller  in  dis 
guising,  or  making  use  of  his  superior  knowledge  in  the 
article  of  which  he  is  about  to  dispose. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  I  am  free  to  confess,  that 
though,  in  some  respects,  I  agree  with  preceding  au 
thorities,  in  others  I  differ  from  them  all,  and  so  differ 
ing,  I  shall  take  leave  to  consult  my  own  ideas  of  jus 
tice  in  this  case. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    REASON.  157 

"  In  the  first  place,  there  is  a  manifest  distinction  be 
tween  being  silent  as  to  defects  in  the  article  which 
forms  the  subject  of  the  covenant,  and  fraudulently  con 
cealing  them.  By  merely  being  silent  on  these  defects 
you  practise  no  deception,  because  you  leave  the  buyer 
the  free  use  of  his  eyes,  and  other  senses,  which  are  the 
guides  and  guardians  of  human  nature  in  all  the  ordinary 
transactions  of  life.  If  the  buyer  should  chance  to  be 
ignorant  of  the  nature  and  value  of  the  article,  that  is  his 
own  fault ;  the  seller  is  not  obliged  to  instruct  him  to  his 
own  damage  and  loss.  He  had,  in  fact,  no  business  to 
purchase  an  article  of  the  qualities  and  value  of  which 
he  was  totally  ignorant.  Ignorance  is  not  involuntary 
— it  is  in  the  nature  of  a  blameable  negligence  not  to 
acquire  knowledge — and  as  Ignorantia  legis  neminem 
excusat,  so  ignorance  of  the  points  that  constitute  the 
value  or  of  the  defects  which  diminish  the  value  of  a 
horse  is  no  ground  for  vacating  a  covenant,  or  recover 
ing  damages. 

"  But,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  is  far  otherwise  with 
those  natural  and  involuntary  defects  which  render  it 
impossible  for  a  person  to  be  a  judge  of  the  article 
purchased.  The  plaintiff  in  this  suit  is  an  elderly  lady, 
who,  in  the  first  place,  lies  under  no  sort  of  obligation 
to  become  acquainted  with  the  value  of  horses — her 
ignorance  is  therefore  no  bar  in  law  to  recovering  in  this 
suit.  Had  the  deception  been  practised  in  the  purchase 
and  sale  of  a  carpet,  a  silk  gown,  or  any  article  of  that 
kind,  of  which  females  are  bound  to  be  judges,  it  would 
have  been  a  different  affair  altogether.  But  not  only  is 
the  plaintiff  not  obliged  by  her  sex  to  become  su  judge 
of  horses,  but  if  she  were,  it  is  in  proof  that  she  has 
become  incapacitated  by  a  defect  in  the  organs  of  vision. 
Now,  gentlemen,  physical  defects  are  viewed  in  a  very 
different  light  by  the  common  law  from  defects  of  know 
ledge,  judgment,  and  experience.  To  impose  upon  an 
ignorant  person  is  held  lawful ;  but  to  impose  upon  one 
14 


158        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

who  is  incapable  from  nature  or  infirmity  of  judging  is 
fraud.  These  distinctions  are  founded  in  the  wisdom 
of  ages  and  the  perfection  of  reason.  I  am  therefore 
of  opinion,  that  the  defendant  take  back  his  horses, 
return  the  purchase-money,  and  pay  the  costs  of  the 
prosecution." 

Thus  was  I  obliged  to  receive  back  my  horses  in 
spite  of  Caveat  Emptor,  who  seemed  destined  in  one 
way  or  other  to  be  my  utter  ruin.  I  could  not  help 
complaining  to  myself,  that  I  had  been  obliged  to  keep 
them  on  my  hands  after  being  cheated  in  the  purchase, 
solely  because  one  judge  had  no  opinion  of  his  own  ; 
and  now  was  obliged  to  receive  them  again,  merely  be 
cause  another  judge  chose  to  have  an  opinion  of  his 
own.  If  the  judges  had  only  been  exchanged,  I  might 
have  gained  both  suits :  as  it  was,  both  were  decided 
against  me.  "  What  a  misfortune,"  thought  I,  "  that 
though  the  common  law  is  always  the  same,  the  judges 
are  so  different,  and  that  the  perfection  of  reason  should 
be  expounded  by  persons  whose  reason  is  so  imper 
fect  !"  Fearful  that  my  horses  would  play  me  some 
more  tricks,  I  took  the  first  opportunity  to  give  them 
away — taking  the  precaution  to  accompany  the  donation 
by  a  special  warranty,  certifying  one  to  be  unsound,  and 
the  other  worth  nothing. 

Having  got  these  encumbrances  fairly  off  my  hands,  I 
invested  the  remainder  of  my  fortune  in  trade,  and 
plunged  in  the  mysteries  of  buying  and  selling,  under 
the  guidance  and  protection  of  honest  Caveat  Emptor, 
notwithstanding  the  many  ill  turns  I  had  received  at  his 
hands.  I  purchased  articles  at  a  low  price  and  sold  at 
a  high  one,  always  taking  care  to  avoid  any  express  war 
ranty  :  and  though  I  was  from  time  to  time  sued  by  the 
ignorant  for  thus  making  a  legal  use  of  my  superior 
knowledge,  I  always  escaped  with  flying  colours,  under 
the  broad  shield  of  Caveat  Empfor,  who,  I  will  do  him 
the  justice  to  say,  stood  by  me  like  a  brave  fellow.  Thus 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        159 

I  sailed  before  the  wind  for  some  time,  and  laid  up 
money.  My  avarice,  as  usual,  expanded  with  my  acqui 
sitions,  and  I  determined  to  launch  out  into  foreign  trade. 
I  accordingly  purchased  a  large  ship,  which  the  owner 
assured  me  was  one  of  the  finest  vessels  that  ever  sailed 
the  salt  seas,  and  put  in  her  a  valuable  cargo  for  Europe. 
In  order  to  cover  all  losses,  I  made  ensurance  for  the 
full  amount  of  vessel  and  cargo,  and  despatched  her  on 
her  voyage.  This  time  I  happened  to  be  perfectly 
honest.  I  believed  the  vessel  to  be  an  excellent  one  in 
all  respects,  for  as  such  I  had  bought  her,  and  the  cargo 
was  precisely  as  I  had  represented  it  to  be.  It  was  on 
my  part,  I  solemnly  assure  you,  a  fair  transaction. 

About  a  month  from  the  sailing  of  my  great  ship, 
news  came  that  she  had  sprung  a  leak,  a  few  days  after 
getting  to  sea,  and.  was  run  ashore,  where  she  went  to 
pieces.  However,  this  gave  me  no  very  great  uneasi 
ness,  as  I  calculated  on  being  completely  covered  by 
the  policy  of  ensurance.  To  my  surprise  and  mortifi 
cation,  payment  was  positively  refused,  on  the  ground 
that  I  had  practised  fraud,  or  at  least  deception.  Even 
if  this  had  been  the  fact,  I  should  have  relied  on  my 
friend  Caveat  Emptor  to  bring  me  off;  but  I  was  en 
tirely  innocent,  and  innocence,  although  of  little  weight 
in  the  eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  is  of  some  value 
in  keeping  up  a  man's  courage.  I  commenced  a  suit 
for  the  recovery  of  my  money,  in  full  confidence  of  not 
only  having  the  law,  but  justice  likewise,  on  my  side. 

But,  miserable  is  the  man  who  depends  upon  his  inno 
cence  in  a  suit  at  common  law  ;  he  might  better  depend 
upon  his  guilt,  for  guilt  is  careful,  if  possible,  to  get  the 
law  on  its  side,  while  innocence  relies  upon  itself.  The 
defence  of  the  ensurers  was,  that  I  had  practised  a  fraud 
in  representing  the  vessel  to  be  what  she  was  not.  It 
was  proved  by  the  honest  gentleman  of  whom  I  had 
bought  her,  that  she  was  not  only  not  a  first-rate  vessel, 
but  quite  the  contrary.  That  he  had  built  her  to  sell, 


160        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

and  that  both  in  materials  and  workmanship,  she  was 
defective  in  a  very  great  degree.  The  captain  and  mate, 
who  had  escaped  the  wreck,  also  testified,  that  she  was 
rotten  in  many  of  her  timbers,  leaky,  and  in  fact  not  sea 
worthy.  They  would  not  have  trusted  themselves  in 
her  if  they  had  known  her  condition. 

Here  I  took  the  liberty  to  ask,  how  I,  who  was  to 
tally  ignorant  of  ships,  could  be  supposed  to  know  of 
defects  which  had  escaped  the  eyes  of  professional 
men? 

"  Caveat  Emptor  /"  replied  the  court.  I  acquiesced 
without  a  murmur,  for  I  relied  less  upon  my  innocence 
on  this  occasion  than  upon  my  friend  Caveat  Emptor. 
*Tis  a  bad  rule  that  won't  work  both  ways,  thought  I,  for 
I  had  not  become  sufficiently  aware  what  a  trimming 
turn-coat  rascal  this  Caveat  Emptor  was,  and  how  he 
changed  sides  with  as  little  ceremony  as  a  first-rate 
politician.  I  desired  my  counsel  to  lose  no  opportunity 
of  touching  them  up  with  Caveat  Emptor,  but  he  struck 
me  dumb  by  replying — 

"  My  dear  friend,  Caveat  Emptor  won't  do  in  this 
case." 

"  Then  the  Lord  have  mercy  upon  me  !"  I  exclaimed, 
in  despair  :  "  if  honest  Caveat  goes  over  to  the  enemy, 
I  am  a  dead  man." 

I  pass  over  the  arguments  of  the  counsel,  who  mar 
shalled  armies  of  judges  and  volumes  of  decisions,  one 
against  the  other,  and  made  such  a  variety  of  beautiful 
distinctions,  that  not  a  single  man  in  court  gifted  with 
common  sense  could  tell  black  from  white,  or  make 
out  what  the  law  was  for  the  soul  of  him.  But  the 
charge  of  the  judge  deserves  to  be  remembered  as  a 
warning  to  posterity. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,"  said  he,  "  the  principle 
involved  in  the  case  before  you  has  been  settled  by  so 
many  solemn  decisions  in  the  English  courts,  that  no 
argument  or  decision  of  mine  can  fix  it  more  irrevoca- 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        161 

bly.  It  is  only  necessary,  therefore,  to  state  one  or 
two  nice  distinctions,  and  to  recapitulate  the  arguments 
on  which  it  is  to  be  presumed  these  decisions  were 
founded. 

"  The  plaintiff  hinted  in  the  course  of  the  trial  that  he 
expected  to  avail  himself  of  the  maxim  Caveat  Emptor, 
but  it  is  hardly  necessary  to  tell  you  that  it  does  not 
apply  in  this  case.  Gentlemen,  the  common  law,  being 
the  perfection  of  reason,  accommodates  itself  in  the  hap 
piest  manner  to  the  accidents  of  situation  and  circum 
stance.  It  is  immutable  and  unalterable — yet  it  is  dif 
ferent  and  variable.  It  is  founded  in  the  wisdom  of 
ages — and  it  contradicts  itself  without  the  least  incon 
sistency.  I  will  acknowledge,  gentlemen,  that  had  this 
been  an  affair  of  the  land,  instead  of  the  water,  the  maxim 
Caveat  Emptor  would  go  to  exonerate  the  plaintiff  from 
all  suspicion  of  fraud,  but  happening,  as  it  did,  on  the 
water,  the  case  is  diametrically  opposite.  And  the  dis 
tinction  most  strikingly  exemplifies  the  wisdom  of  the 
common  law.  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  there  is  one  spe 
cies  of  animals  for  the  earth,  and  another  for  the  sea — 
there  is  one  kind  of  vehicle  for  ploughing  the  fields,  and 
another  for  ploughing  the  ocean — and  there  is  also  one 
law  for  the  land,  and  another  for  the  water.  As  well 
might  you  attempt  to  go  to  sea  in  a  plough,  or  turn  up 
the  earth  with  the  keel  of  a  ship  of  the  line — as  well 
might  you  travel  by  land  on  the  back  of  a  whale,  or  cross 
the  seas  mounted  on  an  elephant — as  to  apply  the  same 
A.iaxims  of  law  to  the  ocean  and  the  land.  The  ele 
phant  would  drown  in  the  fathomless  deep,  and  if  I 
might  be  allowed  the  personification,  Caveat  Emptor 
cannot  breathe  in  the  atmosphere  of  salt  water ;  his 
lungs  are  too  weak  for  it. 

"  Hence,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  it  follows,  from  strict 
deduction  of  analogy,  that  there  must  of  necessity  be  a 
law  for  the  land  and  a  law  for  the  sea,  or  the  law  could 
not  possibly  be  the  perfection  of  reason.  Hence,  too, 


162        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

it  is  law,  that  when  a  man  buys  a  ship  ready  built,  the 
parties  being  on  Terra  Firma,  he  does  it  at  his  peril, 
and  must  look  out  for  Caveat  Emptor.  But  if,  on  the 
contrary,  he  purchases  a  vessel,  the  parties  being  on  the 
water,  I  should  say  that  Caveat  Emptor  would  not  apply. 
However  this  may  be,  I  have  no  hesitation  in  saying, 
that  though  the  buyer  of  a  ship  is  bound  to  beware,  the 
person  who  ensures  her  is  entirely  exonerated  from  that 
obligation.  In  the  one  case,  if  the  buyer  purchases  a 
bad  vessel  it  is  at  his  own  risk  ;  in  the  other,  if  the  en- 
surer  takes  a  risk  upon  her,  it  is  not  necessary  in  the 
eye  of  the  perfection  of  reason  that  he  too  should  be 
ware.  Again,  gentlemen  of  the  jury,  a  man  on  land 
has  a  perfect  right  by  the  common  law  to  make  use  of 
his  superior  knowledge  of  certain  articles  of  merchan 
dise,  in  disposing  of  them  to  another  who  has  not  an  equal 
knowledge  ;  but  he  has  no  right  to  the  benefits  either  of 
superior  knowledge  or  superior  ignorance  in  dealing 
with  an  ensurance  company,  which,  though  not  exactly  a 
sea  animal,  is  a  sort  of  amphibious  monster,  entitled  to 
the  privileges  of  both  elements. 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  jury,  the  counsel  for  the  plaintiff 
in  this  su;t  has  relied  upon  a  decision  in  a  cause  where 
he  himself  was  obliged  to  take  up  with  a  broken-winded 
horse  he  had  purchased,  by  virtue  of  the  maxim  Caveat 
Emptor.  But  this  case  resembles  the  present  in  no 
one  ground  of  principle.  Between  the  defects  of  a 
horse  and  those  of  a  ship  there  can  be  no  possible  anal 
ogy.  Who  ever  heard  of  a  ship  being  broken-winded  or 
blind  of  an  eye,  or  indeed  having  any  eyes  but  dead- 
eyes,  which  in  the  eye  of  the  common  law  are  no  eyes 
at  all  ?  If  the  animal  had  been  a  sea-horse,  I  am  not 
quite  clear  that  there  might  not  be  some  ground  of  anal 
ogy  on  which  to  found  an  application  of  the  same  prin 
ciple  equally  to  both  cases.  As  it  is,  gentlemen,  you 
must  find  for  the  defendants,  in  spite  of  Caveat  Emptor." 

I  had  now  but  one  resource  against  absolute  poverty, 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.        163 

to  which  nothing  can  reconcile  a  reasonable  man  but  the 
reflection  that  it  puts  him  in  some  measure  beyond  the 
reach  of  the  laws.  Without  money  he  cannot  sue  ;  and 
without  it  there  is  no  cause  for  his  being  sued.  He 
may  therefore  snap  his  fingers  at  the  perfection  of  rea 
son,  and  defy  Satan  and  all  his  works,  among  the  worst 
of  which  I  reckon  the  subtleties  of  the  law.  I  made 
one  effort  more  ;  I  brought  an  action  against  the  person 
who  sold  me  the  ship,  which  it  had  just  been  decided  to 
be  a  fraud  for  me  to  get 'ensured.  I  had  only  to  pro 
duce  the  record  of  that  trial  to  prove  that  I  had  been 
deceived  in  the  purchase.  But  the  case  was  now 
altered — there  was  one  law  for  the  land,  and  another 
for  the  sea ;  and  my  old  friend  Caveat  Emptor  once 
more  changed  sides  to  my  utter  confusion. 

There  being  no  actual  warranty,  the  court  instructed 
the  jury,  "  that,  according  to  the  maxim  Caveat  Emp 
tor,  it  was  my  own  fault  if  I  bought  a  bad  vessel,  al 
though  the  price  I  paid  might  furnish  presumptive  evi 
dence  I  thought  her  a  good  one.  The  plaintiff  has 
relied  on  the  decision  of  this  court  in  a  case  where  it 
was  decided  partly  upon  the  evidence  of  the  seller  of 
this  very  vessel,  that  she  was  not  sea-worthy,  to  prove 
that  the  defendant  knew  she  was  so  at  the  time  he 
sold  her  to  the  plaintiff.  Now  there  is  no  proof  that  he 
did  actually  know  the  situation  of  the  vessel  at  the  pre 
cise  moment  of  making  the  bargain.  He  might  have 
become  acquainted  with  these  defects  afterward,  for 
aught  we  know.  But  at  all  events,  if  he  did  know,  he 
was  not  bound  to  disclose  them.  The  defendant  in  this 
cause  is  a  seaman  by  profession,  and  once  commanded 
this  very  ship.  Now,  gentlemen,  it  is  a  maxim  in  law, 
accusare  nemo  se  debet,  &c.  ;  and  it  is  a  common  saying, 
which  amounts  to  a  precept  of  common  law,  that 
*  every  sailor  is  a  piece  of  his  ship  ;'  of  course  he  can 
not  be  bound  in  law  or  justice  to  disclose  her  defects. 
I  am  free  to  acknowledge  that  this  is  a  hard  case,  bi4 


164        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

that  is  neither  your  fault  nor  mine.  The  law  must  have 
its  course,  let  what  will  become  of  morality  and  justice  ; 
for  it  is  a  maxim  in  law,  that  injustice  to  individuals  is 
the  good  of  the  whole.  There  is  no  other  foundation 
under  the  common  law  for  individual  right  but  individual 
wrong ;  and  as  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's  poi 
son,  so  the  decision  of  a  lawsuit,  in  opposition  to  reason 
and  conscience,  only  the  more  firmly  establishes  the 
perfection  of  reason.  It  is  with  law  as  with  religion. 
-Each  has  its  martyrs,  whose  sacrifice  is  the  strongest 
possible  proof  of  the  divinity  of  its  origin.  Gentlemen 
of  the  jury,  you  will  find  for  the  defendant,  on  the  ground 
that  Caveat  Emptor." 

Thus  was  I,  like  many  of  my  fellow-men,  ruined  by 
the  very  friend  upon  whom  I  placed  the  greatest  re 
liance.  Caveat  Emptor,  whether  as  friend  or  foe, 
seemed  destined  to  be  my  bane,  in  conjunction  with  the 
perfection  of  reason.  I  had  now  nothing  left  in  the 
world  but  a  thirty-sixth  part,  as  tenant  in  common,  of  a 
piece  of  land  about  thirty  feet  square,  in  one  of  the  out 
wards  of  my  native  city  ;  together  with  a  claim  of  very 
considerable  amount,  on  a  merchant  in  a  neighbouring 
seaport  town.  This  last  I  determined  to  put  in  suit  in 
good  time.  But  first  I  took  special  care  to  find  out 
how  honest  Caveat  Emptor  stood  affected  towards  me 
in  this  particular  instance.  To  my  great  content,  I  dis 
covered  that  my  case  did  not  turn  upon  that  pivot  at 
all.  I  then  proceeded  to  apply  all  my  dear-bought 
knowledge  to  the  case — consulted  the  laws — ransacked 
the  decisions  of  every  court  for  precedents — applied 
principles,  and,  in  short,  had,  as  I  thought,  made  my 
self  thoroughly  master  of  the  whole  subject.  After  this, 
to  make  all  sure,  I  wrote  out  a  fair  statement  of  my 
case,  and  sent  it  with  a  fee  to  two  of  the  first  counsel  of 
the  place  where  my  antagonist  resided.  They  assured 
me  my  claim  was  perfectly  good.  Upon  this  I  sent 
him  a  defiance,  at  least  my  counsel  did,  of  twenty  folio 


THE  PERFECTION  OP  REASON.        165 

pages.  He  accepted  the  challenge,  and  I  was  to  meet 
him  on  his  own  ground  in  the  course  of  a  few  months, 
to  decide  the  matter  then  and  there,  according  to  law. 

I  was  on  the  spot  in  time,  as  confident  of  victory  as 
ever  was  knight-errant,  gifted  with  an  enchanted  sword, 
and  invulnerable,  armour.  The  trial  opened,  and  after 
some  little  preliminary  forms,  the  lawyer  on  the  opposite 
side  got  up,  and  began  to  talk  about  something  that 
Lord  Ellenborough,  and  a  late  deceased  chief-justice  of 
Pennsylvania  had  thought  and  decided  in  a  certain  case 
of  Twaddle  vs.  Tweedle.  What  the  plague  have  I  to 
do  with  Twaddle  vs.  Tweedle,  thought  I,  in  no  little 
perplexity  at  finding  that  my  cause  was  in  danger  of 
being  decided  by  the  ghosts  of  Lord  Ellenborough  and 
the  chief-justice  of  Pennsylvania,  instead  of  the  chief- 
justice  then  sitting  on  the  bench  before  me. 

My  astonishment  was  increased  ten-fold  on  hearing 
my  counsel,  instead  of  saying  any  thing  about  me  or  my 
cause,  begin  to  talk  about  a  certain  lawsuit  between  one 
Dick  Harvey  and  a  Mr.  Moody.  Upon  this  the  other 
side  got  up,  and  talked  about  the  great  decision  in  the 
case  of  Fairbanks  vs.  Fairchild,  which,  it  seems,  was  too 
strong  for  Dick  Harvey  and  Mr.  Moody.  Down  he 
popped,  and  up  jumped  we  with  the  still  greater  and  later 
decision  of  my  Lord  Somebody,  in  the  case  of  Cannon 
vs.  Swivel.  The  opposite  lawyer  was  not  in  the  least 
daunted,  but  produced  another  and  later  decision  of  the 
same  judge,  which,  as  he  maintained,  nullified  the  other. 
Whose  cause  are  you  trying  ?  whispered  I  to  my  coun 
sel.  I  thought  mine  was  to  come  on  to-day.  Before 
he  could  answer  me  the  judge  rose,  and  said  something 
about  locus  in  quo,  whereupon  my  counsel  turned  round 
to  me  very  coolly,  and  said,  "  You've  lost  your  cause." 
It  was  too  true,  though  heaven  is  my  witness,  that  to  this 
day  I  could  never  tell  why  or  wherefore.  All  I  know  is 
that  Locus  in  quo  treated  me  quite  as  bad,  if  not  worse 
than  Caveat  Emptor,  and  that  between  them  both,  I  had 


166        THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 

now  nothing  left  but  the  thirty-sixth  part  of  thirty  feet 
square  of  land  in  my  native  city.  But  fate  had  deter 
mined  that  I  should  become  a  perfect  martyr  to  the  per 
fection  of  reason. 

It  seems  an  industrious  young  lawyer,  having  just 
then  no  business  in  hand,  purchased  out  one  of  the  joint 
tenants,  and  being  very  anxious  to  get  exclusive  posses 
sion  of  his  foot  of  land,  that  he  might  improve  it,  applied 
for  a  partition.  I  had,  I  confess,  received  notice  of 
this,  but  considered  it  a  trifle  not  worth  attending  to  at 
the  time.  But  I  found  to  my  cost  that  there  are  no 
such  things  as  trifles  in  the  common  law.  On  my 
return  from  the  signal  overthrow  I  had  received  at  the 
hands  of  Locus  in  quo,  I  was  saluted  with  a  bill  of  costs 
of  partition,  amounting  to  considerably  more  than  my 
share  of  the  land  was  worth.  I  was  glad  to  make  it 
over  to  the  professor  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  for  his 
trouble  and  expense  in  procuring  the  partition,  and  he 
generously  relinquished  all  further  claim  upon  me.  Thus 
we  settled  the  partition  by  my  being  partitioned  out  of 
the  last  shilling  of  property  that  Caveat  Emptor  and 
Locus  in  quo  had  left  me.  j 

Gentlemen,  I  hope  you  will  not  think  me  unreason 
able,  if,  by  this  time,  I  began  to  lose  my  respect  for  the 
perfection  of  reason.  If  my  worthy  uncle  had  risen 
from  the  grave,  I  don't  think  -  he  could  have  restored  it 
to  my  good  graces.  Like  a  mistress,  so  full  of  caprices, 
contradictions,  and  coquetries  that  she  at  last  tires  out 
and  disgusts  the  most  ardent  admirer,  the  perfection  of 
reason  had  played  me  so  many  tricks  that  I  turned  my 
back  on  it  in  utter  disgust.  It  appeared  to  me  that 
whatever  the  law  might  have  been  in  ages  of  compara 
tive  ignorance  and  simplicity,  it  had  now  become  so 
refined  in  its  distinctions — so  subtle  in  its  metaphysics 
— so  complicated  and  contradictory  in  its  decisions — so 
wearisome  and  capricious  in  its  sinuosities,  as  to  be 
compared  to  nothing  but  an  Indian  trail  through  some 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON.         167 

pathless  wilderness,  invisible  to  all  eyes,  untraceable  by 
all  feet,  save  those  only  which  are  guided  by  an  infalli 
ble  instinct,  the  joint  offspring  of  nature  and  necessity. 
So  far  from  being  the  perfection  of  reason,  it  seemed  to 
me  nothing  more  than  the  perfection  of  quibbling  sophis 
try.  Instead  of  a  plain  straight-forward  rule  of  action, 
simple  in  itself  and  easy  of  comprehension  to  those  who 
are  to  be  governed  by  its  provisions,  it  appeared  to  my 
awakened  senses  little  else  than  a  farrago  of  contradic 
tory  decisions,  pursued  through  all  the  mazes  of  inex 
tricable  subtlety  into  the  obscurity  of  fathomless  dark 
ness — a  jumble — a  chaos  without  a  sun  to  enlighten,  or 
a  hand  powerful  enough  to  reduce  it  to  order  and  beauty. 
In  short,  under  the  influence  of  my  perpetual  disap 
pointments  at  the  hands  of  the  perfection  of  reason,  I 
actually  rejoiced  that  I  had  now  nothing  left  in  the 
world,  and  was  consequently  above  the  laws.  If  any 
thing  can  reconcile  a  reasonable  man  to  the  ills  of  pov 
erty,  it  is  the  consoling  reflection  that  he  has  passed 
into  that  bourne  where  the  lawyers  cease  from  troubling, 
and  the  client  is  at  rest. 

The  remainder  of  my  story  is  soon  told.  I  was  a 
ruined  man,  and  that  too  at  the  hands  of  the  perfection 
of  reason.  Being  without  the  good  things  of  this  world, 
there  was  nothing  left  me  but  to  turn  philosopher,  and 
despise  them.  Indeed,  I  have  always  observed,  that  in 
proportion  as  a  man  gets  money  he  contemns  wisdom, 
just  as  he  who  becomes  poor  despises  wealth  and  takes 
to  wisdom.  Money  is  certainly  the  root  of  all  evil,  as 
every  man  is  convinced  the  moment  he  sees  it  in  the 
hands  of  others.  There  are  three  things  which  consti 
tute,  as  it  were,  the  three  sheet-anchors  that  keep  a 
man  riding  steady  in  the  same  roadstead  all  his  life — 
property,  friends,  and  a  home.  My  fortune  had  gone 
off*  with  honest  Caveat  Emptor  and  Locus  in  quo ;  my 
friends  followed  closely  after — and  as  to  home — I  was 
a  bachelor,  and  a  bachelor  has  no  home. 


168       THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON* 

In  casting  about  for  employment  during  the  remain 
der  of  my  days,  I  at  length  determined  to  travel  over  all 
parts  of  the  world,  and  return  laden  with  improvements 
from  all  countries,  for  the  good  of  my  own.  I  will  visit, 
thought  I,  the  distant  and  polite  regions  of  the  earth, 
and,  like  the  bee,  return  laden  with  honey.  I  will  bring 
home  with  me  the  newest  fashions  in  dress,  and  the 
latest  opinions  in  morals — the  most  exquisite  refine 
ments  in  taste,  and  the  most  fashionable  models  in  lite 
rature — the  rarest  plants,  and  the  most  odoriferous 
flowers.  I  will  introduce  the  thistle  from  Canada — the 
black  rose  and  the  black  swan — mummies  from  Egypt 
— dust  from  the  Pyramids,  and  cobwebs  from  the  Cata 
combs — little  wooden  shoes  and  white  lions  from  China 
— paper  systems  and  joint- stock  companies  from  the 
British  isles — Perigord  pies  from  France,  and  music 
from  Italy.  My  return  will  be  hailed  as  a  new  era,  and 
I  shall  be  remembered  as  the  benefactor  of  my  country 
by  a  hundred  succeeding  generations.  But  from  this  I 
was  deterred  by  the  reflection,  that  with  the  exception 
of  the  source  of  the  Niger,  and  the  north-west  passage, 
there  was  nothing  new  to  be  discovered  under  the  sun. 
The  world  had  been  in  fact  ravaged,  not  by  an  irruption 
of  Goths  or  Vandals,  but  by  armies  of  peaceful  warriors, 
who,  instead  of  destroying  with  fire  and  sword,  deluged 
whole  countries  with  bloody  ink,  and  put  men,  women, 
and  children  to  the  point  of  the  pen  without  mercy, 
insomuch  that  a  nation  stood  no  more  chance  of  a  tol 
erably  decent  character  among  them,  than  a  man  who 
keeps  a  company  waiting  dinner  two  hours  for  him. 
There  was,  in  truth,  not  a  hole  or  a  corner,  either  above 
or  under  ground,  a  pyramid,  a  cataract,  catacomb,  sub 
terranean  temple,  or  inexplicable  oddity  that  had  not 
been  ransacked  and  described  half  a  dozen  times  over. 

Like  Alexander,  I  wept  for  a  new  world,  and  remained 
in  sorrowing  perplexity,  when,  one  lucky  day,  at  least  a 
dozen  of  them  made  their  appearance  in  the  nick  of  time, 


THE  PERFECTION  OP  REASON.        169 

each  ready  to  be  served  up  in  Paternoster  Row,  to  the 
literary  epicures,  like  boiled  eggs  at  a  breakfast.  I 
allude  to  the  promulgation  of  the  sublime  theory  of  the 
CONCENTRIC  SPHERES,  which  hath  sufficiently  demon 
strated  that  this  globe  of  ours,  instead  of  being,  as  it 
were,  all  outside  crust,  is  like  the  famous  pie,  which, 
when  opened,  discovered  four-and-twenty  blackbirds 
all  gayly  singing  a  beautiful  Italian  air.  Thus,  in  a 
similar  manner,  the  centre  of  this  mundane  terrene, 
when  it  comes  to  be  explored  by  adventurous  travellers, 
instead  of  being  tenanted  by  worms,  ground-hogs,  em 
bryo  locusts,  field-mice,  pismires,  and  other  inglorious 
subterraneans,  will  be  found,  beyond  doubt,  to  be  peo 
pled  by  an  enlightened  race  of  illustrious  Troglodytes, 
who  from  the  very  nature  of  their  locality  must  of 
necessity  see  deeper  into  a  subject  than  other  people. 
At  once  my  mind  was  made  up.  I  determined  to  seek 
these  pure  and  unsophisticated  mortals,  who,  being  thus 
retired  from  the  great  outside  world,  must  of  necessity 
be  free  from  those  vices,  follies,  and  crimes  which  have 
entailed  upon  us  the  disagreeable  necessity  of  being 
governed  by  THE  PERFECTION  OF  REASON. 
15  '  H 


STORY 

OF 

THE  THIRD  WISE  MAN  OF  GOTHAM. 


THE  PERFECTION  OF  SCIENCE. 


MY  brother  Harmony  (began  the  third  Wise  Man  of 
Gotham)  has,  it  seems,  been  shipwrecked  in  pursuit  of 
the  Perfectibility  of  Man ;  and  my  brother  Quominius 
has  fallen  a  victim  to  the  Perfection  of  Reason,  or  the 
Wisdom  of  Ages,  I  can  hardly  tell  which — I,  on  the 
contrary,  am  the  martyr  of  Science. 

I  was  born  and  educated  in  the  most  scientific,  lite 
rary,  and  philosophical  city  of  the  world — -for  the  women 
were  all  blues  and  the  men  metaphysicians.  In  truth,  I 
may  say,  with  perfect  veracity,  there  were  so  many  peo 
ple  running  after  science,  that  there  were  not  sciences 
enough  for  them  to  run  after.  The  business  was  over 
done  ;  the  game  was  exhausted,  as  in  countries  too 
thickly  settled  and  too  much  cultivated ;  and  nothing 
was  left  for  them  but  the  invention  of  new  sciences,  to 
give  them  employment.  Besides,  such  had  been  the 
unwearied  industry,  the  deep  sagacity  with  which  they 
had  pursued  the  old  sciences,  that  they  had  driven  them 
from  their  most  secret  recesses ;  detected  all  their 
arcana ;  exposed  their  occult  mysteries  ;  and,  in  fact, 
pulled  them  by  the  ears,  as  it  were,  out  of  every  hole 
and  corner  where  they  had  intrenched  themselves  for 
ages.  Strangers,  who  were  allured  to  the  city  by  the 
fame  of  its  learning,  observed  with  astonishment,  that 
the  women  could  call  every  thing  by  its  scientific  name, 
and  that  even  the  very  children  talked  nearly  as  wisely 
as  the  very  best  of  them.  Learning,  science,  and  phi- 


174  THE    PERFECTION   OF    SCIENCE. 

losophy  were  becoming  vulgar,  insomuch  that  several 
people  of  the  highest  rank  and  fashion  began  to  study 
ignorance,  and  actually  sent  their  children  to  school  to 
unlearn  every  thing.  It  was  high  time,  therefore,  for  the 
lovers  of  science  to  begin  to  look  about  them  ;  for  the 
writers  and  lecturers  upon  the  old  gray-beard  mathema 
tics,  philosophy,  astronomy,  and  the  like,  instead  of  an 
audience  of  pretty  fashionables,  with  nodding  plumes, 
were  content  to  confine  their  instructions  to  classes  of 
rusty  students,  who  actually  came  for  no  other  purpose 
than  to  learn.  The  fashionable  young  ladies  began  to 
yawn  at  conversaziones,  where  they  met  to  relax  them 
selves  with  political  economy  and  metaphysics  ;  and  a 
universal  alarm  prevailed,  when  a  great  heiress,  who 
was  considered  the  bulwark  of  the  blues,  backslided, 
and  married  a  regular  dandy,  with  a  thin  waist  and  no 
learning. 

It  was  high  time  to  get  up  something  new  for  these 
people,  and  as  the  natives  of  our  isle  are  more  apt  to 
improve  upon  the  inventions  of  others  than  to  invent 
themselves,  I  was  selected  by  a  coterie  of  philosophers, 
and  sent  out  into  the  world  to  discover  a  new  plaything 
for  these  grown-up  children  of  knowledge.  I  travelled, 
and  travelled,  and  travelled,  as  the  story-books  say,  over 
divers  countries  that  have  neither  latitude  nor  longitude  ; 
I  visited  all  the  colleges,  scientific  institutions,  and  bed 
lams  ;  sought  out  the  most  learned  and  adventurous 
philosophers  of  Christendom  :  consulted  the  pundits  of 
India,  the  chingfoos  of  China,  the  dervises  of  Turkey, 
and  the  jugglers  of  the  Flathead  Indians  of  the  Missouri. 
In  short,  I  ransacked  the  uttermost  ends  of  the  earth, 
and  was  returning  disconsolate,  through  Germany,  to 
my  native  city,  with  a  firm  conviction  that  there  was 
nothing  new  under  the  sun,  when  an  unexpected  ad 
venture  befell  me  on  the  eve  of  a  long  day's  jour 
ney. 

Owing  to  various  untoward  accidents,  one  of  which 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  175 

was  the  lameness  of  my  horse,  I  had  been  overtaken  by 
twilight  in  the  midst  of  the  forest  of  Teutoburgium,  not 
far,  as  it  afterward  proved,  from  the  spot  where  Varus 
and  his  legions  had  been  cut  off  by  the  German  hero 
Arminius.  As  the  night  gathered  thick  around  me, 
obscured  into  Cimmerian  darkness  by  the  overarching 
shades,  I  became  more  and  more  confused  and  uncer 
tain  of  my  way.  I  heard  the  growling  of  bears,  the 
howling  of  wolves,  the  hooting  of  owls,  and  the  shrill 
whistle  of  the  bandit,  mingling  with  the  sighing  and 
moaning  of  winds  as  they  wandered  through  the  impen 
etrable  shades.  At  length  my  progress  was  arrested 
by  a  cold  and  heavy  hand,  forcibly  applied  to  my  mouth, 
with  such  excellent  aim,  considering  it  was  so  dark,  that 
it  stopped  it  entirely,  and  prevented  me  from  calling  for 
help,  had  I  bethought  myself  of  doing  it.  So  forcible 
was  the  blow,  that  it  knocked  me  from  my  horse,  and  I 
lay  on  the  ground  for  a  few  moments  insensible  to  every 
thing  around  me.  As  I  gradually  recovered,  the  pain 
of  my  fall,  the  loneliness  of  my  situation,  and  the  appre 
hension  that  the  bandit  would  return  with  his  companions 
and  finish,  perhaps,  what  he  had  begun,  overcame  me 
entirely,  and  I  groaned  at  intervals  aloud.  Nothing  for 
a  time  answered  me,  but  the  dismal  echoes  of  the  forest, 
and  once  or  twice  the  neighings  of  what  I  supposed  my 
own  horse,  who  had  wandered  to  a  distance.  At  length, 
however,  my  cries  were  answered  by  a  voice  which 
seemed  close  to  my  ear. 

"  Who  and  what  art  thou,  that  thus  wanderest  alone 
at  midnight,  on  the  spot  where  the  bones  of  tens  of  thou 
sands  have  been  bleaching  for  ages  1"  cried  a  hollow 
and  tremulous  voice. 

"  I  am  a  pilgrim,"  exclaimed  I,  "  from  a  far  distant 
country,  travelling  the  earth  in  search  of  a  new  science." 

"  Thou  hast  hit  the  nail  on  the  head,"  replied  the  in 
visible  voice.  "  Follow  me — give  me  thy  hand — thou 


176  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

art  a  lucky  man,  and  wast  born,  without  doubt,  with 
a  silver  spoon  in  thy  mouth." 

"  But  my  horse  1"  quoth  I. 

"  He  is  safe,"  replied  the  voice,  taking  me  by  the 
hand.  As  I  lifted  it  to  my  lips  in  token  of  thankfulness, 
I  started  back  with  horror. 

"  It  smells  of  mortality  !"  cried  I. 

"  True  :  it  hath  handled  nothing  but  the  bones  of 
Varus  and  his  legions  for  more  than  thirty  years." 

"  Art  thou  a  sexton  ?" 

"  No." 

"  A  grave-digger  ?" 

"  Follow  me,  and  thou  shalt  know." 

I  again  gave  him  my  hand  with  trembling  reluctance, 
and  we  struck  to  the  right  in  a  direction  towards  a  dim 
light,  which  had  till  now  escaped  my  notice.  After 
proceeding  some  distance,  we  approached  the  entrance 
of  a  cave,  which  descended  gently  into  the  bosom  of  the 
earth,  through  a  passage  dimly  lighted  by  a  lamp,  lead 
ing  into  an  apartment  that  struck  me  with  inexpressible 
dismay.  It  was  a  charnel-house  of  sculls,  which  I  took 
for  granted  appertained  to  thousands  of  murdered 
wretches,  made  away  with  by  a  band  of  robbers  of  which 
this  wily  old  wretch  was  the  stool-pigeon,  or  chief,  I 
hardly  knew  which.  His  whole  appearance  was  a  com 
position  of  supernatural  horrors.  There  did  not  seem 
a  drop  of  blood  in  his  body,  or  an  ounce  of  flesh  on  his 
bones.  His  eye,  deep  sunk  in  his  head,  glimmered 
dimmer  than  the  half-expiring  lamp  which  obscured 
rather  than  illuminated  the  passage  by  which  we  had 
descended  ;  and  his  cheeks,  for  want  of  the  support  of 
teeth,  had  sunk  in  on  either  side,  and  met  together  lov 
ingly  in  the  roof  of  his  mouth.  His  head  was  without 
a  single  hair,  and  the  glossy  surface  of  the  scull  di 
vided  by  lines  into  different  compartments,  like  the  divi 
sions  of  a  map.  Each  of  these  was  numbered  after  the 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  177 

manner  of  sheet  maps,  for  teaching  children  geography. 
"  Gracious  heaven !"  exclaimed  I,  mentally,  "  he  is  not 
only  a  robber  but  a  necromancer!  perhaps  the  wild 
huntsman  !  perhaps  one  of  the  infernal  quizzical  imps 
of  Number  Nip  !  perhaps  the  wood-demon  himself. 
This  forest  has  long  been  famous  for  evil-doings,  and 
these  lines  and  figures  are  doubtless  the  spell  by  which 
this  diabolical  caitiff  works  his  infernal  ends."  I  cast 
my  eyes  from  the  necromancer  to  the  paraphernalia  by 
which  he  was  surrounded.  Nothing  was  seen  but  sculls 
piled  up  in  various  recesses,  or  lying  about  in  horrible 
confusion,  so  that  at  every  step  they  rolled  beneath  my 
feet,  and  grinned  in  my  face,  as  if  in  scorn  of  these  im 
potent  injuries.  The  rest  of  the  embellishments  of 
this  Golgotha  have  escaped  my  recollection ;  for  as  I 
continued  to  stare  around,  my  courage  deserted  me,  my 
senses  wandered,  and  I  trembled  from  head  to  foot. 

"  Thou  art  cold,  and  doubtless  hungry  too,"  said  the 
old  mystery  of  horror  ;  "I  was  inhospitable  not  to  offer 
thee  something  to  eat." 

Ho  then  arose  and  went  to  an  obscure  part  of  the 
cave.  "  He  is  gone  to  prepare  for  me  the  feast  of  the 
worms,"  thought  I ;  "or  perhaps  he  will  presently  invite 
me,-  like  the  ghost  in  Don  Juan,  to  an  entertainment  of 
shin-bones  and  pettitoes.  Would  I  were  home  again, 
and  perish  all  new  sciences."  Presently,  however,  he 
returned,  and,  to  my  very  agreeable  surprise,  presented 
a  piece  of  cold  venison,  some  bread,  and  a  flagon  of 
beer.  "  Eat,  drink,  and  be  merry,"  quoth  he  ;  "  for 
to-morrow  I  die  !"  responded  I,  inwardly,  with  a  sigh. 
However,  hunger  is  lord  of  the  world,  and  will  swallow 
up  fear,  when  he  is  sharp  set.  I  fell  upon  the  venison, 
and  ate  as  if  it  were  my  last ;  I  swallowed  oceans  of 
beer,  in  hopes  it  would  infuse  into  me  a  portion  of  Dutch 
courage,  but  in  vain.  While  I  was  taking  my  meal, 
the  necromancer,  or  whatever  he  might  be,  was  examin 
ing  a  large  scull,  divided  and  marked  in  like  manner 
H3 


178  THE    PERFECTION   OF    SCIENCE. 

with  his  own,  and  apparently  comparing  it  with  mine, 
while  he  ever  and  anon  exclaimed — 

"  Bless  me  ! — astonishing ! — wonderful ! — one  would 
think  they  had  belonged  to  one  and  the  same  person  ! — 
Pray,  my  good  friend,  if  you  can  stop  eating  for  one 
moment,  tell  me,  had  you  ever  any  other  head  on  your 
shoulders  than  the  one  you  carry  now  ?" 
"  Not  that  I  know  of,"  replied  I. 
"Astonishing — curious — remarkable — never  saw  such 
an  identity — wit — locality — amativeness — philoprogen- 
itiveness — ideality — wonder — acquisitiveness— concen- 
trativeness — adhesiveness  —  cautiousness — tune — size 
— weight — colouring —  language — comparison  —  caus 
ality love  of  approbation — order — combativeness,  and 

what  not !  I  would  give  thousands  for  your  scull.  Why, 
sir,  you  must  be  a  universal  genius.  You  have  the 
finest  collection  of  organs  in  the  world.  You  are  a 
poet,  a  mechanic,  a  chymist,  a  philosopher,  a  musician, 
a  lover  of  children,  an  artist,  a  metaphysician,  and  any 
thing  else  you  please  besides." 

I  began  now  to  be  ashamed  of  myself,  that  I  should 
have  dignified  this  old  fellow  with  the  rank  of  a  bandit 
and  necromancer,  when,  as  it  now  plainly  appeared,  he 
was  only  a  harmless  madman.  At  once  my  terrors 
subsided,  and  I  became  quite  jocular. 

"  Pray,"  said  I,  "  how  came  you  to  know  my  char 
acter  and  talents  so  perfectly  in  this  short  acquaintance  ? 
I  don't  think  I  have  spoken  five  words  on  any  sub 
ject  connected  with  these  acquirements  and  qualifica 
tions.  Have  you  the  faculty  of  penetrating  the  interior 
of  the  brain,  or  exploring  the  secrets  of  the  heart,  extem 
poraneously  ?' 

"  The  secrets  of  the  heart !"  replied  the  old  man 
contemptuously — "  you  talk  like  a  blockhead,  in  defiance 
of  the  infallible  augury  of  your  cerebral  development. 
The  heart,  young  man,  has  nothing  to  do  with  sensa 
tions,  affections,  impulses,  passions,  affinities,  or  antipa- 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  179 

thies.  You  might  as  well  locate  them  in  the  liver, 
the  gizzard,  the  great  toe,  the  seat  of  honour,  or  any 
other  obscure  and  contemptible  part  of  the  human 
machine — " 

"  Did  he  actually  call  it  a  machine  1"  interrupted  the 
Man  Machine,  eagerly. 

"  He  did,  upon  my  honour — he  called  it  a  machine," 
said  the  other,  and  proceeded. 

"  Know,  young  man,"  continued  the  hermit,  "  that  I 
perceive  by  the  infallible  augury  of  the  only  real  science 
upon  the  face  of  the  earth,  thou  art  destined  to  be  a  burn 
ing  and  shining  light  among  the  benighted  of  this  earth. 
Thou  shalt  carry  the  lamp  even  to  the  uttermost  ends 
of  the  earth,  and  into  the  concentric  spheres.  Listen 
and  learn."  The  whole  frame  of  the  old  man  now  di 
lated  into  actual  sublimity — his  voice  gradually  swelled 
in  tones  of  lofty  declamation,  and  his  eye  brightened 
with  what  I  then  supposed  was  inspiration.  But  I  have 
since  ascertained  that  the  eye  has  nothing  to  do  with 
the  mind,  any  more  than  a  pair  of  spectacles.  It  is 
only  made  to  see  with. 

"  I  was  born  and  brought  up,"  continued  he,  "  within 
the  walls  of  a  college,  the  name  of  which  I  shall  with 
hold,  lest  it  might  become  too  vain  of  the  honour ;  and 
my  ancestors  had  been  professors  of  the  same  faculty 
for  fifteen  generations.  Not  one  of  them,  so  far  as  my 
knowledge  and  belief  extends,  ever  was  out  of  sight  of 
the  venerable  Alma  Mater.  They  studied  science  in 
books,  and  to  books  they  resorted  for  that  knowledge  of 
mankind  and  of  the  world  which,  being  the  same  in 
all  ages,  can  only  be  acquired  in  the  unchangeable  les 
sons  of  time  and  experience  recorded  in  books.  My 
father  was  considered  a  monster  of  erudition,  who,  after 
having  exhausted  all  the  old  sciences,  imagined  new, 
which  he  exhausted  with  equal  facility.  He  went  on  in 
this  way  so  long  that  at  last  he  was  sorely  puzzled  for 
new  sciences  to  conquer.  He  came  very  near  dying 


180  THE    PERFECTION    OF   SCIENCE. 

of  ennui,  for  want  of  a  new  difficulty  to  knock  on  the 
head,  and  in  the  absence  of  some  excitement  of  this 
kind,  used  to  amuse  himself  whole  days  with  a  parrot 
and  a  monkey  ;  one  of  which  he  had  taught  to  talk  quite 
learnedly  upon  scientific  subjects,  and  the  other  to  go 
through  a  variety  of  philosophical  experiments. 

"  He  soon,  however,  got  tired  of  this,  and  then  found 
a  temporary  amusement  in  studying  natural  history  in 
the  persons  of  a  great  variety  of  dogs,  that  used  to  con 
gregate  for  amusement  and  righting  in  the  large  court 
yard  in  front  of  his  residence  in  the  college.  Here,  for 
the  first  time,  he  noticed  that  peculiarity  of  the  canine 
race  which  exhibits  itself  in  two  strange  dogs  when  they 
come  together.  He  observed  that  instead  of  looking 
into  each  other's  faces  for  information,  as  to  the  charac 
ter,  objects,  and  intentions  of  their  new  acquaintance, 
they  invariably  went  round  to  the  rear  for  that  purpose. 
At  first  he  was  inclined  to  believe  that  they  carried  their 
names  on  the  stern,  as  he  had  observed  was  the  case 
with  the  boats  on  the  river  which  ran  near  the  city  ;  but 
on  examination  he  could  discover  nothing  of  that  kind. 
It  naturally  occurred  to  him,  to  ask  himself  the  reason, 
or  rather  the  instinct,  of  this  singular  practice.  After 
deep  reflection  it  struck  him  that  it  could  be  no  other 
than  a  mode  pointed  out  by  nature  for  gaining  a  thor 
ough  insight  into  the  character,  views,  and  qualifications 
of  Those  animals,  thus  superseding  the  necessity  of  long 
acquaintance  and  continued  scrutiny.  He  saw,  too, 
that  these  animals  signified  their  satisfaction,  and  indeed 
expressed  most  of  their  sensations,  by  wagging  their 
tails,  and  became  thereupon  convinced  that  with  them  at 
least  the  eyes  and  the  face  were  not  the  index  of  the 
mind.  He  observed  that  a  stiff  tail  denoted  hostility, 
while  a  wagging  tail,  on  the  contrary,  expressed  some 
times  pleasure,  sometimes  eagerness  of  anticipation, 
sometimes  confidence,  sometimes  doubt,  sometimes 
affection ;  and  that  whenever  it  hid  itself  between  the 


THE    PERFECTION   OF   SCIENCE.  181 

hinder  legs,  it  was  the  invariable  indication  of  fear.  In 
short,  he  had  no  doubt  that  a  complete  system  of  the 
operations  of  canine  instinct  might  be  deduced  from  the 
developments  of  the  organs  of  the  tail :  and  he  was  only 
deterred  from  announcing  it  to  the  literary  world  by  the 
apprehension  of  being  laughed  at  by  ignorant  persons. 

"  A  hint  is,  however,  sufficient  for  the  wise.  Newton 
caught  his  idea  of  gravitation  from  seeing  an  apple  fall 
to  the  ground  ;  Hutton  his  theory  of  the  formation  of 
the  earth  by  the  operation  of  an  internal  fire,  from  a 
confectioner  making  sugar-plums  ;  another  philosopher 
from  accidentally  seeing  a  nest  of  iron  pots  one  within 
the  other,  with  pismires  crawling  between  them,  con 
ceived  his  theory  of  the  concentric  spheres ;  and  my 
father  erected  the  most  stupendous  science  of  modern 
times  upon  the  wagging  of  a  mastiff's  tail.  Reasoning 
upwards  by  the  staircase  of  analogy,  he  gradually  arrived 
from  the  mastiff's  tail  to  a  man's  head,  which  he  found 
closely  resembling  each  other  in  a  vast  variety  of  par 
ticulars.  Both  were  covered  with  hair  ;  both  were  at 
the  extremity  of  the  animal :  one  nodded,  the  other 
wagged.  There  were  other  points  of  resemblance  of 
which  expert  theorists  make  a  great  use,  called  analo 
gies  of  opposition,  in  which  the  likeness  or  affinity  con 
sists  in  one  thing  being  the  direct  antipodes  of  another. 
Altogether,  my  father,  from  long  and  intense  observa 
tion  and  contemplation,  came  at  last  to  the  conclusion 
that  the  tail  of  the  dog  and  the  head  of  the  man  were 
certainly  the  true  index  of  the  mind  and  propensities  of 
each  respectively. 

"  I  perceive  you  smile,  as  if  this  idea  of  a  man's  head 
being  the  seat  of  sensation  and  the  index  of  mind  was 
no  very  great  discovery.  In  the  course  of  my  details 
you  will  see  that  this  was  only  the  mere  threshold,  the 
first  step  in  those  speculations  that  are  destined  ere  long 
not  only  to  astonish  but  confound  the  world.  The  dis 
covery  that  the  head  was  the  seat  of  sensation  was  in 
16 


182  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

fact  no  discovery  at  all.  But  the  improvements  he 
made,  and  the  ends  to  which  he  applied  it,  are  what 
constitute  his  glory.  Columbus,  it  is  true,  discovered 
that  there  was  actually  such  a  place  as  the  New  World  ; 
but  this  did  not  deprive  those  who  subsequently  explored, 
settled,  planted,  and  divided  it  into  separate  states,  dis 
tricts,  counties,  and  towns  of  their  portion  of  credit.  In 
like  manner,  others  had,  it  may  be  justly  said,  discov 
ered  a  man  had  a  head  ;  but  it  was  reserved  for  my  father 
to  turn  that  head  to  some  account,  by  dividing  it  into  dif 
ferent  sections  and  compartments  ;  detailing  its  pecu 
liarities  of  soil  and  climate  :  describing  its  various  prop 
erties  and  productions  ;  the  temperature  of  the  air  ;  the 
animals  that  inhabit  it ;  and,  in  fact,  giving,  as  it  were,  a 
complete  statistical  account  of  the  whole  region." 

Here,  perceiving  me  yawn  a  little,  the  old  man  took 
the  hint.  He  proposed  retiring  for  the  night,  and  re 
suming  his  details  in  the  morning.  Accordingly  he 
showed  me  into  a  small  recess  where  was  a  bed  of  moss, 
on  which  I  laid  myself  down,  and  dreamed  all  night  of 
the  catacombs  of  Egypt.  The  next  morning  the  good 
hermit  would  hardly  allow  me  time  to  eat  my  breakfast, 
so  impatient  was  he  to  continue  his  story. 

"  My  father,"  began  he,  "  next  proceeded  to  lay 
down  his  first  principles,  which  he  justly  considered  were 
more  than  half  the  battle.  He  knew  he  could  look  out 
afterward  at  leisure  for  facts  and  examples  to  sustain 
them.  A  true  philosopher  always  makes  his  facts  and 
reasonings  dependent  on  his  theory,  and  not  his  theory 
on  his  facts  and  reasonings.  When  his  theory  is  well- 
digested  and  arranged,  a  man  of  the  least  ingenuity  will 
find  all  nature  administering  to  his  use.  Appearances 
and  phenomena  which  he  never  dreamed  of  before  will 
come  like  Sancho's  proverbs,  pat  to  his  purpose  ;  and 
what  in  the  eyes  of  indifferent  persons  will  seem  fatal  to 
his  hypothesis,  to  him  will  afford  unanswerable  confirm 
ation.  Young  man,  if  thou  ever  meanest  to  become  a 


THE    PERFECTION  OF    SCIENCE.  183 

philosopher,  follow  the  example  of  my  father ;  for  be 
assured  ifthou  waitest  for  experience  to  authenticate  thy 
theories,  thou  wilt  die  without  ever  becoming  the  parent 
of  a  single  new  one.  Aware  of  this  truth,  my  father,  as 
I  said  before,  proceeded  first  to  lay  down  the  principles 
of  his  new  science,  intending  afterward  to  trust  to  Provi 
dence,  his  own  ingenuity,  and  the  liberal  spirit  of  the 
age,  to  establish  them  by  facts  and  demonstration. 

"  He  first  laid  it  down  as  a  maxim,  that  the  head  of 
a  man  was,  as  it  were,  a  great  organ  full  of  pipes,  on 
which  the  different  qualities,  propensities,  and  passions 
each  played  their  favourite  tunes,  and  on  that  particular 
pipe  the  tone  of  which  best  pleased  the  said  quality,  pro 
pensity,  or  passion. 

"  That  as  the  pipes  of  the  mechanical  organ,  being 
made  of  materials  incapable  of  expansion,  cannot  be 
dilated  or  contracted;  so  the  pipes  of  the  man-organ,  being 
composed  in  like  manner  of  materials  directly  the  con 
trary  in  their  nature  and  capacity,  it  follows  by  analogy 
of  dissimilitude  that  the  animate  and  inanimate  organs  are 
one  and  the  same,  for  all  the  purposes  of  science  and 
philosophy. 

"  That  the  form  of  the  brain  and  the  functions  of  the 
several  organs  or  pipes  thereof  may  be  ascertained  by 
irrefragable  indications,  especially  by  comparing  their 
size,  with  the  power  of  manifesting  the  mental  faculties. 
The  more  a  particular  organ  or  pipe  of  the  organ 
was  used  the  larger  it  would  undoubtedly  become  ;  for 
as  friction  uniformly  diminishes  inanimate  machinery,  so 
in  like  manner  does  it  not  diminish  but  strengthen,  de 
velop,  and  expand  the  animated  machinery,  to  wit,  the 
pipes,  organs,  and  cavities  of  the  brain. 

"To  prove  this  position,  he  instanced  the  rope- 
dancer's  legs  ;  the  fiddler's  right  elbow  ;  and,  above  all, 
the  female  tongue,  each  of  which,  he  maintained,  was 
uncommonly  large  and  fully  developed  in  consequence 
of  continued  and  violent  exercise.  The  eyes  of  chil- 


184  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

dren,  he  observed,  were  always  larger  in  proportion  than 
those  of  grown-up  people,  simply  because,  as  every  ob 
ject  was  new  to  the  former,  they  naturally  stared  and 
wondered  at  every  thing.  Again  :  the  nostrils  of  a 
snuff-taker  were  always  more  dilated  than  those  of  or 
dinary  persons ;  and  people  given  to  listening  at  key 
holes  always  had  great  ears.  All  these  positions  he 
intended  to  establish  as  occasion  might  offer ;  and  if  it 
proved  upon  experience  that  the  facts  were  not  accord 
ing  to  his  theory,  all  they  had  to  do  was  to  accommo 
date  themselves  to  it  as  fast  as  possible  ;  for  it  was  not 
to  be  expected  that  a  philosopher  should  abandon  an 
hypothesis  merely  because  it  was  contrary  to  facts  and 
experience. 

"  My  father  was  resolved  that  his  science  should  be 
quite  original.  Others  had  already  taken  formal  scien 
tific  possession  of  the  face,  and,  as  it  were,  converted 
all  the  seaboard  of  the  country  to  their  use.  My  father 
was  for  that  reason  resolved  to  have  little  or  nothing  to 
do  with  the  old  settlements,  but  to  travel  into  the  inte 
rior  and  cultivate  the  back  lands.  Accordingly,  he 
marched  round  and  settled  himself  upon  the  remote, 
uncultivated  regions  of  the  cerebellum.  Besides  the 
canine  example  which  had  given  the  first  idea,  and  the 
determination  to  occupy  entirely  new  ground,  he  had 
another  argument  in  favour  of  this  novelty  on  which  he 
strongly  relied.  He  compared  the  head  to  those  houses 
in  the  city  of  Edinburgh  which,  being  built  on  a  side-hill, 
exhibit  a  bold  front  a  dozen  stories  high,  but  which  when 
approached  in  the  rear  dwindle  into  complete  insignifi 
cance.  Thus  there  was  no  such  thing  as  telling  what 
they  were  until  you  examined  them  from  behind  ;  and 
thus  too  by  analogy,  all  conclusions  drawn  from  the  face 
of  a  human  being  were  vague  and  uncertain  in  the 
highest  degree.  It  was,  moreover,  proverbial  for  people 
to  put  their  best  face  as  well  as  their  best  leg  foremost. 

"Having  thus   developed  the   theory   of  his  new 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE,  185 

science,  he  was  just  setting  about  propping  it  up  by  facts 
and  examples,  when  he  fell  ill  and  died.  It  rarely  hap 
pens  indeed  that  the  same  person  invents  and  perfects 
his  invention.  Life  is  too  short  for  any  but  a  chosen 
few  to  acquire  the  glory  of  beginning  and  completing  a 
new  science.  It  was  reserved  for  me  to  rear  up  and 
bring  to  perfection  the  magnificent  edifice  of  which  my 
father  had  laid  the  foundation.  -:r^  1 

"  At  the  time  of  my  father's  decease,  I  was  a  young 
man  of  about  forty,  and  had  scarcely  ever  been  beyond 
the  walls  of  our  college.      I  once  indeed  ventured  out 
into  the  world  to  see  a  fair  in  the  neighbourhood,  but 
happening  to  meet  a  person  whose  organ  of  destructive- 
ness  I  perceived  was  horribly  developed,  I  was  afraid 
he  would  kill  me,  and  ran  home  as  fast  as  I  could.     As 
a  proof  of  the  infallibility  of  my  science,  it  was  afterward 
rumoured  that  this  very  man,  or  somebody  very  like 
him,  was  found  guilty  of  manslaughter  at  a  village  about 
two  hundred  miles  distant.      My  whole   life  had  been 
passed  between  four  thick  stone  walls,  in  a  chamber,  the 
light  of  which  was  admitted  through  the  ceiling,  where  I 
saw  nobody  but  my  parents  and  an  old  female  servant 
whose  organ  of  languages  bespoke  her  prowess,  for  she 
could  out-talk  the  whole  family.      Indeed,  our  prevailing 
character  was  that  of  shyness,  awkwardness,  and  silence. 
We  seldom  or  never  mixed  with  the  world,  and  my  prin 
cipal  recreation  had  been  to  philosophize,  smoke  my 
pipe,  and  drink  small  beer.      Ever  since  my  father  pro 
pounded  his  theory  of  the  organs  to  my  alarmed  and 
awakened  imagination,  I  believe  I  may  say  that  I  never 
looked  a  human  being  in  the  face.     Indeed,  it  was  the 
custom  of  the  whole  family  to  walk  leisurely  round  and 
examine  the  back  of  the  head  to  ascertain  each  other's 
wants,  feelings,  and  sensations.      I  can  proudly  say  that 
my  father  was  never  but  once  mistaken  in  this  infallible 
augury,  and  then  he  fell  into  such  a  passion  with  the 


186  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

organs   that  they  ever  afterward   took   good  care  to 
accommodate  themselves  to  his  theory. 

"  From  the  period  that  I  became  an  orphan,  I  deter 
mined  to  devote  my  remaining  days  to  the  establishment 
of  his  favourite  science,  by  actual  experiment  and  obser 
vation.  I  considered  it  as  a  sister  orphan  in  a  state  of 
helpless  infancy,  left  to  my  bringing  up,  and  for  whose 
future  fate  I  was  in  a  great  measure  responsible.  Ac 
cordingly,  I  declined  the  hereditary  professorship  which 
had  been  in  bur  family  three  centuries,  and  in  order  that 
I  might  study  the  human  character  without  interruption, 
retired  to  this  forest,  and  secluded  myself  from  mankind. 
I  was  induced  to  select  this  spot  in  preference  to  all 
others,  because  it  afforded  me  the  most  ample  scope  and 
materials  for  laying  the  everlasting  basis  of  what  may 
be  emphatically  called  the  science  of  human  nature, 
taught,  not  by  the  quick,  but  the  dead  ;  derived,  not  from 
the  lying  tongues  and  deceitful  eyes  of  living  men,  but 
from  the  tomb,  whence  the  hollow  socket  and  the  tongue- 
less,  fleshless  lips  proclaim,  in  accents  of  eternal  truth, 
the  secrets  of  the  hitherto  un visited  brain.  Let  no  one 
say  that  when  the  brain  is  out  the  man  will  die,  for  it  is 
then  only  that  he  may  be  figuratively  said  to  live,  to 
speak,  and  to  disclose  through  the  medium  of  the  sub 
lime  organs  of  the  cerebellum  the  secrets  of  his  heart 
and  head,  the  mystery  of  what  he  was  when  living. 
Here,"  said  he,  with  lofty  enthusiasm,  exhibiting  a  scull 
divided  and  numbered  as  I  have  described — "  here  is 
the  world  I  study,  and  here  the  history  of  the  human 
race,  written  in  characters  of  eternal  truth  with  the  pen 
cil  of  immortality.  I  do  not  want  to  read  Tacitus  to 
know  what  the  owner  of  this  was  when  living — I  know 
he  was  rash,  self-willed,  and  brave,  and  that  in  the  very 
nature  of  things,  he  must  have  been  governed  by  the 
organ  of  combativeness.  Look  at  it — it  is  the  scull  of 
QUINTILIUS  VARUS,  who  was  cut  off  with  his  three 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  187 

legions  on  this  very  spot  by  our  illustrious  Herman, 
whom  the  historian  calls  Arminius,  to  make  his  name 
sound  like  that  of  a  Roman." 

"  How  do  you  know  it  is  the  scull  of  Quintilius 
Varus?"  asked  I. 

"  BY  PHRENOLOGY." 

"  What  is  that  ?"  asked  I  again. 

"  The  infallible  science  invented  by  my  father.  It 
is  called  phrenology,  from  phrensy  or  phrenetic  ;  my 
illustrious  father  having  been  considered  mad  during 
the  latter  part  of  his  life,  like  almost  all  other  daring 
geniuses  who  have  had  the  courage  to  instruct  mankind. 
They  swallow  knowledge  with  as  much  difficulty  and 
as  many  wry  faces  as  they  do  physic,  and  reward  their 
benefactors  for  enlightening  them  by  calling  them  mad. 
But  to  go  on  with  my  story. 

"  I  have  mentioned  that  this  cave  is  in  the  centre  of 
the  encampment  where  Varus  and  his  legions  were  slain 
by  the  Germans,  and  their  sculls  piled  up  in  heaps,  as 
recorded  by  Tacitus.  It  was  for  this  reason  I  selected 
it  for  the  field  of  my  achievements  in  demonstrating  the 
truths  of  phrenology.  Here  I  could  find  innumerable 
examples  to  suit  my  theory — here  I  could  make  what 
use  I  pleased  of  those  relics  which  elsewhere  the  igno 
rant  hold  sacred  ;  and  here,  above  all,  I  could  remain 
free  from  the  intrusion  of  vulgar  curiosity,  for  not  a  pea 
sant  in  forty  miles  will  approach  this  spot  except  unwit 
tingly.  You  will  wonder  perhaps  that  those  sculls 
should  have  remained  so  perfect  as  you  now  see  them 
for  such  a  length  of  time.  But  when  I  tell  you,  that  with 
the  exception  of  the  Egyptians,  the  Romans  had  the 
thickest  and  most  solid  sculls  of  any  ancient  people,  you 
will  not  be  incredulous.  You  recollect  Herodotus  bears 
testimony  to  the  thickness  of  the  Egyptian  skulls,  a  fact 
sufficient  in  itself  to  explode  the  vulgar  opinion  that  a 
thick  scull  is  synonymous  with  stupidity. 

"  Here  I  proceeded  to  establish  my  science  upon  the 


188  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

•eternal  basis  of  demonstration.  In  the  first  place,  I 
looked  into  Tacitus,  and  found  that  Varus  had  im 
prudently  advanced  far  into  the  pathless  forests  of 
(Germany  ;  that  he  had  encamped  on  unfavourable 
:  ground ;  had  finally  been  surprised  by  Arminius,  and 
•  himself  and  all  his  legions  slain.  It  followed  pretty 
;  clearly  from  these  premises,  that  Yarus  was  a  daring, 
juncalculating  sort  of  a  person,  who  beyond  all  doubt  had 
the  organ  of  combativeness  strongly  developed,  and  that 
'of  secretiveness  exceedingly  small.  Accordingly,  I 
selected  from  the  sculls  scattered  around  me  one  which 
exhibited  these  two  features  in  the  most  marked  and 
:conspicuous  manner.  This  was  beyond  all  question 
the  scull  of  Varus  ;  and  here  it  is.  Examine  it — here 
is  the  organ  of  combativeness,  or  fondness  for  fighting  ; 
observe  how  it  projects  and  is  expanded.  Here — no 
— here  is  the  organ  of  secretiveness,  or  in  other  words, 
the  propensity  to  hide  away  when  danger  approaches. 
Observe,  it  is  almost  imperceptible.  It  is  plain  that  the 
owner  of  this  scull  was  without  the  sense  of  fear ;  of 
course  it  must  be  the  scull  of  Varus.  There-  is  no 
doubt  of  it — to  disbelieve  would  argue  absolute  stu 
pidity — it  would  be  flying  in  the  face  of  demonstration." 

"  Without  doubt,"  said  I,  for  I  began  to  be  of  opinion 
that  this  old  man  was  a  sage,  and  in  all  probability  might 
furnish  me  with  what  I  had  hitherto  sought  in  vain  over 
half  the  world. 

"  Very  well,"  continued  the  sage ;  "  we  have  thus 
established  the  fact,  that  these  particular  organs  do  ac 
tually  and  invariably  indicate  the  qualities  rny  father 
ascribed  to  them.  The  next  step  was  to  identify  other 
organs  with  other  qualities  until  I  had  made  out  a  com 
plete  system,  comprehending  all  the  moral,  physical, 
and  intellectual  faculties  of  the  human  race.  Accord 
ingly,  I  proceeded  to  select  and  classify  the  sculls  that 
lay  scattered  around,  placing  all  those  together  which 
exhibited  the  same  or  similar  peculiarities.  After  having 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  189 

done  this  I  proceeded  to  christen  them  agreeably  to 
the  nomenclature  of  the  infallible  science.  One  heap  I 
dubbed  men  of  genius,  because  it  was  the  smallest — 
another  thieves — another  murderers— some  I  called 
lovers  of  order — some  lovers  of  tune — some  of  numbers 
— some  of  novelty — some  I  disposed  of  in  one  class,  some 
in  another,  as  situation  and  circumstances  required.  For 
instance,  in  this  very  cave,  which  I  have  now  inhabited 
almost  thirty  years,  I  found  on  my  arrival  a  great  many 
sculls  lying  dispersed  on  the  floor,  or  the  recesses  within. 
These,  I  took  it  for  granted,  appertained  to  persons  who 
had  retreated  there  for  shelter — had  been  discovered  by 
the  German  army,  and  put  to  death.  They  must  there 
fore  have  hid  away — and  therefore  the  organ  of  the 
brain  the  most  remarkable  and  most  strongly  developed 
must  of  necessity  be  that  of  secretiveness  or  hiding 
away.  I  confess  that  there  was  a  great  diversity  in  the 
phrenology  of  these  runaways,  and  that  not  a  few  of  them 
exhibited  a  most  provoking  development  of  the  organ  of 
combativeness  or  fighting.  This  was  a  formidable 
obstacle  to  my  progress,  but  I  got  over  it  at  last,  by  sup 
posing  what  was  very  natural,  that  these  latter  might 
have  been  the  sculls  of  the  valiant  Germans,  who,  pur 
suing  the  runaways  into  their  last  retreat,  were  slain  in 
combat  with  these  cowards,  for  cowards  will  fight  when 
desperate. 

"  There  was  one  particular  projection  or  development 
of  the  organ  common  to  all  the  sculls  I  examined,  which 
I  called  the  organ  of  order.  The  soldiers  of  Varus 
were  of  the  veteran  Roman  legions,  who  had  doubtless 
been  in  service  almost  all  their  lives.  Now  the  distin 
guishing  characteristic  of  a  soldier  is  order  and  disci 
pline,  which  are  in  fact  one  and  the  same.  Therefore, 
that  organ  which  is  most  universally  and  strongly  devel 
oped  in  soldiers  must  be  the  organ  of  discipline. 

*'  In  this  manner  I  continued  to  build  up  by  degrees 
my  favourite  science  upon  the  impregnable  basis  of 


190  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

experience  and  demonstration,  until  I  had  selected  a 
class  of  sculls  to  represent  the  whole  range  of  human 
passions  and  human  faculties.  In  this  way,  too,  by 
unwearied  patience  and  assiduity,  I  '  established'  the 
truth  of  my  father's  theory  in  a  manner  that  I  defy  the 
world  to  shake.  So  perfectly  am  I  convinced  of  its 
unerring  principles,  its  unassailable  strength  and  accu 
racy,  that  were  I  not  so  old  I  would  go  forth  into  the 
world  and  fearlessly  govern  myself  by  the  infallible  cri 
terion  of  phrenology  in  my  judgment  of  mankind.  As 
it  is,  I  must  leave  it  to  some  young  and  enterprising  ad 
venturer  to  accomplish  the  only  remaining  point  neces 
sary  to  convince  mankind  and  overturn  the  mischievous 
absurdities  of  the  contemptible  science  (as  by  courtesy 
it  is  called)  of  physiognomy.'* 

Here  Dr.  Gallgotha,  for  that  I  found  was  the  hermit's 
name,  concluded  his  details,  which,  in  their  progress, 
had  entirely  changed  my  first  impressions  in  relation  to 
his  character  and  pursuits.  As  he  proceeded  in  the 
development  of  his  system,  he  called  forth  my  wonder 
and  admiration ;  and  long  before  he  concluded  I  had 
become  a  convert  to  his  principles.  It  appeared  to 
me  impossible,  indeed,  that  a  rational  being  could  shut 
up  his  understanding  to  the  conviction  of  its  irresistible 
demonstrations  ;  and  my  imagination  expanded  with  the 
hope  of  being  able  at  last  to  succeed  in  the  mission 
which  had  cost  me  so  many  toils  and  dangers.  I  re 
mained  several  days  in  this  abode  of  science,  during 
which  time  the  doctor  gradually  unfolded  the  minutiae  of 
his  system,  and  taught  me  the  whole  mystery  of  devel 
opment.  Every  day  we  became  more  enthusiastically 
convinced  of  the  impregnability  of  the  science ;  and 
nothing  could  equal  the  delight  of  the  old  man  at  finding 
such  a  scholar,  except  mine  at  meeting  such  a  preceptor. 

"  Thou  art  just  the  disciple  I  should  have  selected 
from  the  whole  world — for  thou  hast  the  finest  develop 
ment  of  the  organ  of  faith  I  ever  remember  to  have  seen. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  191 

Come,  I  will  take  my  staff  and  sculls,  and,  like  the  sages 
of  old,  go  forth  into  the  world  to  teach  and  to  enlighten. 
Wilt  thou  be  my  companion,  my  disciple,  my  son  by 
adoption1?" 

You  may  suppose  I  acceded  to  this  proposal  with  a 
transport  of  delight ;  and  it  was  accordingly  arranged 
to  depart  the  very  next  day,  so  anxious  were  we  to  begin 
our  scientific  pilgrimage.  "  We  shall  want  nothing," 
said  Dr.  Gallgotha — "  I  will  instruct  the  people,  and 
they  in  return  will  gratefully  administer  to  our  trifling 
necessities,  when  what  we  have  is  spent." 

Accordingly,  the  next  day,  having  deposited  the  scull 
of  Quintilius  Varus  with  other  specimens  exhibiting  each 
of  the  cerebral  developments  essential  to  the  demonstra 
tion  of  the  doctor's  first  principles,  in  a  bag,  thrown  over 
my  horse,  we  bade  a  final  adieu  to  the  cave  of  Macpe- 
lah,  and  sallied  forth,  agreeing  to  ride  and  walk  by  turns. 
In  passing  the  spot  where  I  had  been  knocked  from  my 
horse  by  the  mysterious  hand,  I  observed  a  limb  pro 
jecting  over  the  road,  apparently  about  the  height  of  my 
mouth  when  on  horseback,  and  incrusted  with  an  icy 
sleet.  It  occurred  to  me,  it  might  have  been  this  limb 
that  knocked  me  down,  and  thus,  as  it  were,  became  a 
providential  instrument  in  bringing  about  my  meeting 
with  this  inspired  old  man. 

Emerging  from  the  forest,  we  entered  a  fine  pic 
turesque  country,  full  of  grassy  verdure,  blushing  vines, 
and  laughing  villages.  At  one  of  these  last  we  stopped 
for  refreshment,  and  were  introduced  into  a  public  room, 
where  sat  perhaps  a  dozen  travellers  around  a  large  old- 
fashioned  oak  table.  The  old  man  immediately  began 
to  exercise  his  talent  in  demonstrative  science.  He 
put  on  his  spectacles,  and  walked  leisurely  round  the 
table,  stopping  behind  every  man  and  studying  the  infal 
lible  index  of  his  mind  at  the  back  of  his  head.  At  length 
he  came  to  one,  at  the  first  view  of  which  he  retreated 
with  horror.  He  then  approached  it  again,  and  as  if 


192  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

impelled  by  the  irresistible  fascination  of  overwhelming 
terror,  put  his  fingers  upon  a  part  of  the  man's  scull.  The 
fellow  started  up,  and  turning  furiously  round  upon  the 
doctor,  exclaimed — 

"  D n  you !  what  are  you  about  with  my  head  V 

"  N — n — n — n — nothing,"  replied  the  doctor,  in  a 
voice  quaking  with  terror — "  I — I — Heavens  and  earth ! 
what  a  supernatural  development  of  the  organ  of — . 
Pray,  my  dear  sir,  when*  did  you  commit  your  last 

m .     I'll  give  you  a  hundred  rix-dollars  for  that 

scull  of  yours."  i. 

"  Old  man,"  replied  the  fellow,  gruffly,  "  it's  well  for 
you  that  you  are  old,  and,  as  I  suspect,  not  very  wise, 
or  I  would — " 

"  0  don't — now  don't  m — m — .  Pray  now,  my  dear 
sir,  don't  kill  me  !" 

"  Kill  you !"  said  the  other,  with  a  contemptuous 
smile,  "  though  my  trade  is  killing,  it  is  not  such  tough 
old  animals  as  you  I  deal  with."  He  then  quietly  sat 
down  again,  while  the  doctor  sidled  up  to  me,  and 
taking  my  elbow,  drew  me  significantly  out  of  the  room. 

"  We  must  depart  instantly,"  said  he. 

"  What,  without  our  breakfast  ?'  said  I. 

"  Ay — or  it  is  all  over  with  us.  That  man  is  one 
of  the  greatest  villains  in  existence — he  has  the  organ 
of  murder  almost  as  large  as  the  bass  pipe  of  the  great 
organ  at  Antwerp — he  cannot  have  committed  less  than  a 
hundred  assassinations.  Come — come — let  us  depart 
secretly,  that  the  murderer,  may  not  know  which  way  we 
go."  What  an  invaluable  science,  thought  I,  that  thus 
intuitively  announces  to  us  the  dangers  which  others 
discover  only  when  it  is  too  late. 

We  now  moved  ourselves  quietly  out  of  the  inn  unno 
ticed  by  any  of  the  domestics,  who,  as  we  owed  them 
nothing,  were  indifferent  to  our  motions.  The  old  man, 
and  indeed  so  did  I,  often  looked  back  to  see  if  the  mur 
derer  was  Doming  after  us,  but  luckily  we  turned  an 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  193 

angle  of  the  road,  and  were  ought  of  sight  before  he 
made  his  appearance. 

"  What  a  lucky  escape  !"  quoth  the  doctor. 

"  Miraculous  !"  responded  I. 

We  proceeded  on  slowly  till  the  sun  began  to  wax 
low  in  the  western  horizon,  when,  being  tired  and  withal 
exceeding  hungry,  we  gladly  descried  a  pretty  consider 
able  village  in  a  rich  vale  which  spread  its  soft  evening 
beauties  under  our  eyes  as  we  reached  the  summit  of  a 
hill,  at  whose  feet  it  lay  nestling.  We  pushed  forward 
with  new  spirits,  and  gayly  footed  down  the  hill,  close  to 
the  bottom  of  which  was  an  inn,  bearing  on  its  sign-post 
the  head  of  the  great  Frederick.  "  There,"  quoth  the 
doctor,  triumphantly—"  there  is  a  living  proof  of  the 
falsehood  of  that  delusive  science  which  hath  been 
palmed  upon  the  world.  If  you  look  at  that  head  in 
front,  it  is  the  head  of  a  blockhead — if  in  the  rear,  it  is 
that  of  the  greatest  man  Germany  ever  produced,  with 
the  exception  of  my  father,  and  one  other,  whom  I  shall 
not  at  present  name." 

The  doctor's  self-gratulations  were  speedily  put  to 
flight  by  the  appearance  of  the  tremendous  assassin  we 
had  escaped  from  in  the  manner  just  related.  He  rode 
up  to  the  inn,  which  I  afterward  learned  was  a  place 
where  horses  were  let,  dismounted,  gave  his  beast  to 
the  hostler,  and  turned  away,  carelessly  exclaiming,  with 
a  significant  nod  at  the  doctor — 

"  O  !  you're  there,  are  you  ?" 

"  It's  all  over  with  us,"  cried  the  doctor  in  despair — 
"  I  shall  perish,  and,  what  is  worse  than  all,  the  most 
noble  science  ever  invented  will  perish  with  me." 

"  Pray,  sir,"  said  I  to  the  landlord,  who  had  just 
made  his  appearance,  with  a  portly  figure,  a  laughing 
eye,  and  a  jolly  careless  gait,  giving  shrewd  promise  of 
a  pestilent  wag — "  Pray,  sir,  what  is  the  name  of  the 
person  who  rode  up  just  now?" 
I 


194  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

"  Why,  we  call  the  fellow  Absellino,"  answered  mine 
host. 

"  The  great  bandit,"  echoed  I. 

"  You  may  say  that,"  replied  he — "  that  fellow  is  the 
greatest  robber  and  murderer  in  a  hundred  miles  round." 

"  I  told  you  so,"  said  the  doctor  aside  to  me. 

"  Divine  science  of  phrenology !"  aspirated  I  with 
fervour. 

"  A  robber  and  murderer  !"  resumed  the  doctor,  after 
a  pause — "  why  is  he  not  secured  and  punished  ?" 

"  O,  we  can't  well  do  without  him,"  rejoined  the 
other — "  he  is  the  butcher  of  the  village,  and  though  he 
regularly  robs  us  in  the  way  of  his  business,  we  don't 
like  to  turn  our  backs  upon  his  beef  and  mutton."  So 
saying,  he  invited  us  into  the  house,  and  at  our  request 
showed  us  into  a  room  he  called  the  moon,  by  ourselves. 
After  sitting  silent  a  while  with  his  face  rather  averted, 
the  doctor  slowly  moved  his  head  upon  the  pivot  of  his 
neck,  and  looking  me  full  in  the  eye,  began — 

"  This  mistake,  as  it  doubtless  appears  to  you  who 
are  not  yet  thoroughly  initiated  into  the  mysteries  of  the 
science,  only  the  more  convinces  me  of  the  infallibility 
of  the  organs  of  the  cerebellum  in  disclosing  to  the 
scientific  adept  the  mysteries  of  every  variety  of  human 
character.  With  what  unerring  instinct,  as  it  were,  did 
I  dive  into  the  secret  propensities  of  the  man  who  has 
just  left  us.  That  his  trade  or  profession  was  murder 
I  had  not  the  least  doubt ;  but  whether  a  murderer  of 
men  or  beasts,  the  cerebellum  does  not  sufficiently  indi 
cate  ;  at  least  I  confess  I  have  not  yet  detected  the  pre 
cise  development  of  the  organ  of  murder,  which  points 
out  the  difference  between  the  slayer  of  men  and  the 
slayer  of  beasts." 

"  What  a  pity !"  replied  I,  sighing. 

"  Certainly  it  is  to  be  lamented,"  continued  the  doc 
tor,  "  but  it  is  no  impeachment  of  a  science  to  say  that 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  195 

it  is  not  perfect.  There  are  other  defects  in  our  science, 
which  it  is  one  of  the  objects  of  this  pilgrirnags  to  remedy 
or  remove.  It  is  not  yet  settled  in  my  system,  whe 
ther  mind  operates  upon  matter,  or  matter  upon  mind  ;  in 
other  words,  whether  those  developments,  which  so  un 
erringly  indicate  the  presence  or  absence  of  certain 
qualities  or  propensities  of  the  animal  man — " 

"  I  thought  you  said  he  called  man  a  machine,"  inter 
rupted  the  Man  Machine,  rather  impatiently. 

"  So  he  did  at  first,"  replied  Dr.  Spurrum,  "  but  this 
time,  I  am  positive,  he  called  him  an  animal." 

"  He  was  a  fool  for  his  pains— but  I  beg  pardon,  go 
on,  sir." 

Doctor  Gallgotha,  continued  the  other,  was  saying 
that  he  was  not  satisfied  in  his  own  mind  whether  those 
cerebral  developments,  which  so  unerringly  indicated  the 
presence  or  absence  of  certain  decided  and  governing 
qualities  or  propensities  of  the  animal  man,  were  the 
cause  or  the  effect  of  these  qualities  and  propensities. 
"  This  doubt,"  continued  he,  "  has  occasioned  me  in 
finite  trouble  and  vexation,  since  upon  its  decision  de 
pends  the  great  point,  whether  mind  or  matter  is  pre 
dominant  in  intellectual  beings.  Whether,  in  fact,  mind 
is  the  seal  and  matter  the  wax,  or  vice  versa,  is  what  I 
must  of  necessity  decide  experimentally  and  demonstra- 
bly,  before  I  publish  my  system  to  the  universe." 

At  this  moment  there  was  a  loud  uproar  and  bawling 
in  the  passage,  which  attracted  our  attention,  and  drew 
us  to  that  quarter,  where  we  found  the  jolly  landlord 
chastising  a  boy  belonging  to  the  house,  for  some  fault 
or  other.  The  lad  roared  manfully,  but  the  landlord 
continued  his  discipline,  until  at  our  intercession  he  let 
him  off.  I  observed  that  Dr.  Gallgotha  took  particular 
notice  of  the  stick  with  which  the  chastisement  was 
inflicted,  and  picking  it  up,  examined  it  with  strict  atten 
tion.  When  we  returned  to  our  room,  he  seized  my 
17  12 


196  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

hand,  and  squeezing  it  with  trembling  enthusiasm,  cried 
out, 

"  Heureka  !  Heureka !   I  have  found  it !" 

"Found  what?'  said  I,  a  little  alarmed  lest  the 
doctor  had  lost  some  such  thing  as  his  wits,  rather  than 
found  any  thing  valuable. 

"  I  have  received  a  full  solution  of  my  doubt,  in  the 
simple  incident  we  have  just  witnessed.  Behold  how 
we  philosophers  differ  from  other  men,  in  converting 
apparently  the  meanest,  most  trivial  incidents  into  the 
foundation  and  supports  of  a  theory.  Look  at  this  stick 
— it  has  settled  a  point  that  has  puzzled  the  wits  of  the 
wisest  of  all  ages." 

I  looked  at  the  stick,  and  was  obliged  to  confess  that 
I  saw  nothing  very  particular  about  it — it  was  not  even 
a  witch-hazel.  The  doctor  smiled  with  an  ineffable  yet 
condescending  look  of  superiority. 

"  Didst  thou  observe  how  the  application  of  this  stick 
affected  the  mind  of  that  boy  so  as  to  cause  him  to 
writhe,  and  shrink,  and  cry  out  aloud  ?" 

"  I  did." 

"  And  didst  thou  see  or  hear  any  thing  of  this  kind 
proceeding  from  the  stick'?" 

"  Yerily  no." 

"  Very  well — thus  then  we  have  a  convincing  exam 
ple,  better  than  all  the  argument  in  the  world,  that  it  is 
matter  which  operates  upon  mind,  and  not  mind  upon 
matter,  since  we  see  this  stick,  which  is  altogether  com 
posed  of  matter,  is  not  the  least  affected  by  the  stripes, 
at  the  same  time  that  the  mind  of  the  lad  is  entirely 
overcome,  even  unto  tears  and  wailings." 

I  could  almost  have  fallen  at  the  feet  of  the  man 
whose  capacious  mind  could  thus,  as  it  were,  like  some 
potent  enchanter,  settle  the  whole  universe  with  the  aid 
only  of  a  little  stick  or  wand.  Every  moment  he  gained 
upon  my  admiration,,  and  I  had  forgot  even  that  I  had  not 


THE    PERFECTION  OF    SCIENCE.  197 

tasted  food  all  day  long,  when  the  maid-servant  oppor 
tunely  came  in  with  our  supper.  Scarcely  had  she 
placed  it  on  the  table  when  the  doctor  cried  out — 

"  Come  hither,  my  pretty  girl." 

She  approached,  blushing  and  bridling,  and  really 
looking  quite  charming. 

"  Pshaw!"  said  the  doctor,  "  turn  your  back — I  don't 
want  to  see  your  face — it's  not  worth  looking  at.  Mercy 
upon  us  !  what  a  development  of  the  organ  of  amative- 
ness — truly  thou  hast  a  neck  like  ^  bull !  Thou  art  over 
head  and  ears  in  love,  I  warrant  thee — and  here — here 
too  is  the  organ  of  secretiveness,  big  enough  to  hold  a 
stout  strapping  lover  as  secretly  as  a  kernel  in  a  nutshell. 
And  here,  bless  me  ! — here  is  the  organ  of  inquisitive- 
ness  swelled  out  to  an  enormous  size — damsel,  confess 
now,  thou  hast  listened  at  a  half-opened  door,  and  peeped 
through  a  keyhole  many  a  time  and  oft — hey  1" 

The  damsel  took  this  insinuation  in  dudgeon, 
flounced  out  of  the  room  in  a  hurry,  and  proclaimed  in 
the  kitchen  that  there  was  a  witch  or  a  necromancer  in 
the  Moon.  There  was  no  getting  her  into  the  room 
again  the  whole  evening.  After  supper  we  lighted  our 
pipes,  for  I  had  learned  to  smoke  at  the  instance  of  the 
doctor,  who  assured  me  it  was  the  best  medium  for  phi 
losophizing  in  the  world.  Doctor  Gallgotha  then  re 
sumed  the  conversation  on  the  mysteries  and  doubts 
which  gave  him  so  much  trouble  and  stood  so  directly 
in  the  way  of  the  progress  of  this  stupendous  science. 
By  degrees  we  penetrated  deeper  and  deeper  into  the 
profundity  of  phrenology,  and  step  by  step  arrived  at  the 
conclusion  that  it  was  not  only  the  most  noble  of  all 
the  sciences,  but  that,  if  it  could  only  be  brought  to  per 
fection,  it  would  supersede  the  necessity  of  all  other 
modes  of  human  knowledge.  In  proportion  as  the 
smoke  of  our  pipes  became  more  dense  and  impenetra 
ble,  did  our  mental  vision  seem  to  become  more  clear 
and  penetrating,  until  we  discovered  through  the  mists 


398  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

that  enveloped  us,  the  consummation  of  all  our  antici 
pations  in  the  universal  establishment  of  the  sublime 
mysteries  of  the  cerebral  development.  Then  expe 
rience  would  be  unnecessary,  and  knowledge  of  the 
world  superfluous — then  men  would  no  longer  depend 
upon  the  vague  and  uncertain  indications  of  character 
exhibited  by  human  actions — then  inexperience  would 
no  longer  be  the  dupe  of  cunning  and  deception — and 
even  children  might  be  taught  a  profound  insight  into 
the  characters  of  each  other  by  studying  the  infallible 
auguries  of  the  cerebral  development. 

Suddenly,  however,  we  were  brought  down  to  the 
level  of  humanity,  by  a  confusion  of  voices,  screams, 
and  exclamations  which  proceeded  from  the  adjoining 
room,  where  we  had  deposited  our  baggage.  On  has 
tening  thither  we  beheld  a  scene  which  beggars  descrip 
tion.  It  seems  the  jolly  landlord  had  that  evening 
expected  a  bag  of  cabbages  from  a  garden  he  possessed 
a  little  way  out  of  the  village,  but  had  gone  to  bed  with 
out  thinking  to  inquire  whether  they  were  actually 
arrived.  The  circumstance  occurred  to  him  while  in 
bed,  and  as  he  was  one  of  those  fidgety  impatient  bodies 
that  can  never  sleep  with  a  doubt  on  their  minds,  he  had 
rung  the  bell  and  directed  the  fair  damsel  with  the  organ 
of  inquisitiveness  so  finely  developed  to  search  for  the 
bag  of  cabbages,  and  let  him  know  whether  it  had  come. 
In  pursuance  of  this  order,  she  at  length  encountered 
our  bag,  and  feeling  something  round  in  it,  untied  the 
string,  put  in  her  hand  and  brought  out  the  identical 
scull  of  Quintilius  Varus,  grinning  defiance  to  Arminius 
and  all  his  host.  The  poor  girl  screamed  and  fell  flat 
on  the  floor,  upsetting  at  the  same  time  the  bag,  which 
poured  forth  its  contents,  rolling  in  all  directions  about 
the  room.  The  scream  brought  out  every  living  thing 
within  the  house,  not  excepting  the  cat  and  the  dog.  As 
they  entered  the  room  to  see  what  was  the  matter,  they 
encountered  the  implements  of  phrenology,  and  tumbled 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  199 

one  upon  the  other  in  horrible  confusion,  screaming  with 
terror  as  they  discovered  the  obstacles  that  had  occa 
sioned  their  fall.  The  jolly  host  trembled  from  top  to 
toe,  and  swore  as  loudly  as  his  chattering  teeth  would 
permit,  as  he  stood  with  his  tufted  nightcap  on  one  side 
of  his  head  ;  the  inamorato  of  the  inquisitive  damsel, 
who  was  no  other  than  the  hostler,  now  hovered  over 
his  mistress  blubbering,  and  now  fell  a  kicking  the  inno 
cent  causes  of  her  catastrophe — while  pussy,  delighted 
with  so  pretty  a  plaything,  was  purring  and  pawing  with 
the  phrenological  index  of  poor  Varus.  There  was  not 
a  face  less  white  than  a  sheet  in  the  whole  party,  except 
that  of  the  African  cook,  which  became  absolutely  ten 
times  blacker  than  ever  with  terror  and  dismay. 

When  Doctor  Gallgotha  saw  the  pillars,  as  it  were, 
of  his  science  thus  overthrown  and  rolling  on  the  floor, 
subject  to  the  kicks  of  an  illiterate  clown  and  the  paw- 
ings  of  an  ignorant  pussy,  he  lost  all  patience,  and  ex 
claimed  in  a  hollow  voice  that  seemed  to  come  from 
one  of  the  tongueless  remains  before  us,  and  startled 
even  me — 

"  Avaunt !  base  and  illiterate  plebeians — fly — skip — 
and  leave  the  sacred  depositories  of  the  most  sublime 
and  incomprehensible  of  all  sciences  which  ye  have  thus 
impiously  assailed — leave  them,  I  say — and  thou,  most 
sacrilegious  of  the  feline  breed,  no  longer  pollute  with 
thy  unhallowed  paw  the  remains  of  thy  betters.  Look 
at  me,"  continued  he,  "I  come  from  the  regions  of 
the  dead — I  have  been  for  more  than  thirty  years  the 
companion  of  these  eloquent  remains,  that  speak  without 
tongues  and  philosophize  without  brains — I  have  con 
versed  all  my  life  with  dead  men's  bones — and  may  say 
without  exaggeration  that  I  come  into  the  world  an 
envoy  from  the  grave  !" 

"  A  ghost — a  ghost !"  shrieked  men,  women,  and 
children  at  this  appalling  speech  ;  and  indeed  the  doctor 
had  something  extremely  supernatural  about  him  at  that 


200  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

moment.  His  pale  and  hollow  cheeks,  sunken  eyes, 
shining  forehead,  and  scull  of  polished  ivory,  unshadowed 
by  a  single  hair,  as  he  stood  holding  up  the  nob  of 
Varus  in  his  hand,  altogether  seemed  to  justify  the 
renewed  terrors  of  the  group,  which  now  hurried  helter- 
skelter  out  of  the  room  into  the  dark  entry,  where  the 
jolly  landlord  fell  over  the  damsel  with  the  organ  of 
inquisitivcness  so  finely  developed — the  black  cook  over 
the  jolly  landlord,  and  the  rest  one  upon  another  in  hor 
rible  confusion.  On  their  departure  the  doctor  replaced 
his  treasures  in  the  bag,  which  he  desired  me  to  carry 
up  into  our  sleeping-room,  where  we  disposed  ourselves 
to  rest.  The  last  thing  the  good  man  did  before  he  fell 
asleep  was  to  observe  to  me  the  singular  exemplifica 
tion  of  the  truth  of  his  principles  which  had  just  occurred. 
"  It  was  phrenologically  impossible,"  said  he,  "  that  any 
other  person  in  the  house,  but  the  damsel  with  the  organ 
of  inquisitiveness,  should  have  had  the  curiosity  to  open 
my  bag." 

We  slept  late  in  the  morning,  partly  owing  to  the 
fatigue  of  our  day's  journey  and  partly  to  the  circum 
stance  of  remaining  entirely  undisturbed.  Not  a  soul 
knocked  at  the  door,  and  the  region  about  us  seemed  as 
quiet  as  if  inhabited  only  by  Varus  and  his  speechless 
companions.  Seeing  the  sun  shining  bright  into  our 
window,  I  got  up,  dressed  myself,  and  waking  my  com 
panion,  we  descended  together  into  the  room  we  had 
occupied  the  night  before.  Not  a  soul  came  near  us, 
and  there  was  no  symptom  of  preparation  for  breakfast. 
I  opened  a  door  which  led  into  the  bar-room  to  inquire 
for  somebody,  and  detected  the  inquisitive  damsel  peep 
ing  through  the  keyhole.  She  screamed,  and  fled  away 
like  a  wild  crane.  "  More  confirmation  of  the  sublime 
science,"  exclaimed  the  doctor,  rubbing  his  hands — 
"  but  I  should  like  something  to  eat."  Once  more  I 
opened  the  door  and  sallied  forth,  but  could  find  no  living 
soul  save  ourselves  in  the  whole  house.  I  then  pro- 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  201 

ceeded  to  the  stable,  where  by  good  luck,  as  I  supposed, 
I  encountered  the  hostler,  who,  the  moment  he  saw  me 
with  the  doctor  at  rny  heels,  who  by  this  time  had  over 
taken  me,  seized  his  pitchfork,  and  exclaimed,  "Doant 
ee  coom  noigh  me — now  dont  ee — oi  should'nt  mooch 
loike  to  kill  a  spook,  but  by  gum  and  ye  coom  ony 
noigher  oill  make  day-light  shoine  through  two  holes  in 
ee,  I  wool — so  I  wool."  So  saying,  he  retreated  under 
cover  of  his  fork  into  the  recesses  of  the  stable,  and  there 
entrenched  himself  behind  a  large  goat  who  shouldered 
his  horns  at  us  in  defiance. 

Perceiving  no  prospect  of  getting  any  breakfast  here, 
after  a  little  preliminary  discussion,  we  decided  to  saddle 
our  horse  and  proceed  forthwith  to  the  next  town  as  fast 
as  possible,  lest  the  panic  should  precede  us.  The 
hostler  stood  behind  his  entrenchment  and  witnessed 
our  preparations  without  the  least  apparent  disposition  to 
interfere.  When  all  was  ready,  the  doctor  proffered 
payment  for  our  entertainment  and  that  of  our  horse. 

"  Noa — noa,"  was  the  reply — "  Oi  want  none  of  thy 
diabolical  money,  not  oi — oi  dare  to  say  it  would  set  moi 
breeches  afire  or  turn  into  snakes  in  moi  pocket — noa — 
noa — goa  ee  away  to  the  grave  where  the  old  mon  says 
he  belongs — art  welcome  to  the  provender — dang  it  if  I 
did'nt  think  he  eat  his  oats  different  from  a  Christian 
horse  loike — goa — now  do  goa,  or  dang  me  if  I  doant 
stick  ee." 

"  Let  me  first  examine  your  cerebral  development  to 
see  if  you  are  really  inclined  to  commit  murder,"  quoth 
the  doctor,  advancing. 

"  Shalt  see  it  quick  enough  if  thee  comest  any 
noigher,"  said  hostler,  marshalling  his  pitchfork. 

"  Let  us  begone,"  said  the  doctor — "  I'd  as  soon 
attempt  to  teach  the  sublime  science  to  a  horse  as  to  that 
illiterate  Cyclop." 

Accordingly  we  proceeded  to  the  house  still  silent  and 
deserted  as  before,  placed  our  baggage  upon  the  horse, 
13 


202  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

and  leaving  what  we  supposed  sufficient  for  our  fare 
upon  the  table,  departed  from  the  village.  As  we  turned 
to  take  a  last  look  at  the  inn,  we  detected  the  inquisitive 
damsel  peeping  cautiously  out  of  a  garret  window. 
"  Still  new  demonstrations,"  cried  the  doctor,  and  fora 
time  forgot  he  had  eaten  no  breakfast.  I  afterward 
learned  that  the  appearance  of  the  doctor  had  become  a 
regular  ghost  story,  already  incorporated  into  the  country 
legends,  and  that  the  jolly  landlord  would  not  touch  the 
money  we  left  on  the  table  until  it  had  been  soundly 
exorcised. 

Proceeding  on  our  journey,  about  noon  we  arrived  at 
a  town,  which,  being  the  seat  of  government  of  a  sove 
reign  prince,  who  had  one-sixth  of  a  vote  at  the  diet, 
and  whose  territory  was  full  a  league  and  a  half  square, 
was  a  place  of  some  consequence.  Here  we  deter 
mined  to  stop  for  the  purpose  of  refreshment,  and  with  a 
design  to  stay  long  enough  to  deliver  a  lecture  at  least. 
Accordingly,  advertisements  were  posted  up  in  the  most 
conspicuous  quarters  :  for  it  is  to  be  observed  the  prince 
would  not  allow  of  a  newspaper  in  his  dominions,  for 
fear  it  might  overturn  his  empire — an  invitation  was  also 
sent  to  the  prince  and  princess,  together  with  the  lords 
and  ladies  of  the  court,  to  honour  with  their  presence  a 
lecture  on  the  sublime  science.  No  further  particulars 
were  given.  "  We  will  surprise  them,"  quoth  the  doc 
tor,  "  with  an  entire  novelty." 

The  best  apartment  of  the  inn  was  procured,  and 
dimly  lighted  to  suit  the  solemn  obscurity  of  the  science 
to  be  illustrated  ;  and  the  table  behind  which  the  doctor 
stood  to  deliver  his  lecture  was  covered  with  a  student's 
black  cloak  borrowed  for  the  occasion.  It  was  somewhat 
late  in  the  evening  before  the  lecture  began,  for  the  prince 
always  took  a  nap  after  dinner,  with  his  head  in  the  lap 
of  his  mistress.  Besides  this,  some  delay  occurred  in 
consequence  of  several  disputes  about  precedence  among 
the  nobility,  which  the  prince  settled  on  his  arrival.  It 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  203 

is  curious,  by  the  way,  that  everywhere  else  except  at 
courts,  when  two  well-bred  persons  are  going  into  a 
room  together,  the  contest  is  not  who  shall  go  first,  but 
who  shall  go  last.  At  length,  however,  every  thing  was 
settled,  and  the  doctor  commenced  his  lecture  by  ex 
plaining  the  first  principles,  and  general  outlines  of  the 
sublime  science.  All  this  the  company  endured  with 
exemplary  decorum.  But  when,  for  the  purpose  of 
exemplification,  he  resorted  to  his  bag,  which  stood  at 
his  side,  and  one  by  one  leisurely  brought  forth  the 
sculls  of  Varus  and  his  companions,  there  was  a  terrible 
uproar  among  the  votaries  of  science.  The  sovereign 
princess  shrieked  and  fainted  ;  of  course  the  ladies  of 
the  court  could  do  no  less  than  follow  her  example. 
During  their  insensibility  they  some  way  or  other  ma 
naged  to  get  out  of  the  lecture  room,  leaving  me  and 
the  doctor  alone,  like  the  children  in  the  wood.  The 
prince  was  so  enraged  that  he  threatened  to  shut  us  up 
in  a  prison  he  had,  called  the  Seven  Towers ;  but  from 
this  he  was  dissuaded  by  a  cunning  old  fox  of  a  minister, 
who  reminded  him  of  the  practice  of  throwing  a  tub  to  a 
whale.  "  It  will  keep  the  people  from  thinking  and 
talking  about  a  representative  government  and  such  dan 
gerous  matters,"  said  he,  "  which  is  the  great  use  of 
the  arts  and  sciences."  So  we  escaped  the  prison  of 
the  Seven  Towers.  We  heard  afterward  that  the  reign 
ing  princess  had  been  brought  to  bed  of  a  young  prince 
whose  cerebral  development  was  exactly  that  of  Quinti- 
lius  Varus. 

I  shall  pass  over  the  various  incidents  of  the  remain 
ing  portion  of  our  journey  till  we  reached  Paris,  merely 
observing  that  the  doctor,  by  reason  of  enlisting 
every  thing  that  fell  in  his  way  among  the  demonstra 
tions  and  exemplifications  of  the  sublime  science,  had 
established  it  in  his  own  mind  ten  times  stronger  than 
ever,  and  so  firmly  convinced  himself  and  me,  that  we 
would  have  laid  down  our  lives  in  defence  of  its  prin- 


204  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

ciples.  By  the  time  we  arrived  at  Paris,  we  were  pre 
cisely  in  that  state  of  enthusiastic  excitement  which  the 
vulgar  call  madness,  but  which  philosophers  and  theo 
rists  well  know  proceeds  from  an  innate  and  heaven- 
born  conviction  of  the  truth,  connected  with  a  vehement 
zeal  in  its  propagation. 

At  Paris  we  found  the  throne  of  science,  as  it  were, 
deserted  and  vacant.  Ever  since  the  fashionable  ladies 
became  scientific,  it  has  been  observed  that  nothing  but 
novelty  will  go  down  at  lectures.  They  get  tired  even 
of  inspiration,  if  too  often  repeated,  and  the  noblest 
truths  of  the  most  sublime  sciences  are  interesting  and 
attractive  only  so  long  as  they  continue  to  be  new.  They 
coquette  with  the  sciences,  as  they  do  with  their  lovers, 
and  a  new  science  to  a  fashionable  blue-stocking,  is  as 
a  new  face  or  a  new  fashion.  In  this  state  was  Paris 
on  our  arrival.  The  astronomers  with  their  great  tele 
scopes  had  ransacked  the  heavens  until  not  a  single  in 
cognito  star  remained;  the  botanists  could  find  no  new 
plants  to  christen  with  unchristian  names  ;  the  naturalists 
having  exhausted  the  living  world,  were  busily  employed 
upon  antediluvian  bones ;  the  chymists  having  become 
tired  of  enacting  the  bottle-conjuror,  were  fast  relapsing 
into  their  former  usefulness  and  confining  their  lectures 
to  those  who  only  came  there  to  be  instructed.  In 
short,  the  old  threadbare  sciences  were  quite  out  of  fa 
vour  with  the  fashionable  amateurs,  as  affording  nothing 
but  useful  practical  knowledge,  only  fit  for  musty  schol 
ars  and  greasy  mechanics.  There  was  not  a  good  joke 
stirring  in  all  Paris — nor  a  new  tragedy  to  frighten  the 
government,  with  declamations  about  liberty  in  the 
mouth  of  a  Greek  patriot — nor  a  rumour  of  a  conspir 
acy,  an  intrigue,  or  a  change  in  the  ministry  to  keep 
people  from  dying  of  ennui,  which  they  certainly  would 
have  done  if  it  had  not  been  for  a  certain  ultra-viscount 
and  his  new  theatre.  In  short,  we  came  in  the  nick  of 
time,  and  the  whole  world  was,  as  it  were,  before  us. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  209 

The  doctor  lost  no  time  in  announcing  his  arrival, 
and  calling  upon  some  of  the  most  confirmed  Maecenii 
of  the  city,  who  are  said  to  be  so  fond  of  patronage 
that  they  consider  it  a  great  obligation  for  anybody  to 
apply  for  it  at  their  hands.  One  of  these  was  a  good 
lady,  who  immediately  got  into  her  carriage,  and  before 
night  had  engaged  half  the  beau-monde  of  Paris  to 
come  to  the  lecture  on  an  entire  new  science,  which 
had  never  before  been  heard  of  among  the  learned.  In 
truth,  a  most  brilliant  audience  collected  to  hear  the 
doctor,  who  on  this  occasion  for  the  first  time  promoted 
me  to  the  office  of  handing  and  returning  the  cerebral 
developments  as  he  had  occasion  to  use  them  in  the 
course  of  his  lecture. 

The  lecture  with  which  Dr.  Gallgotha  commenced 
his  course  in  Paris,  was  the  same  that  frightened  the 
sovereign  princess  and  her  court  into  fits  ;  but  I  will  do 
the  ladies  of  Paris  the  justice  to  say  that  they  stood  the 
display  of  our  phrenological  specimens  like  heroines  ; 
whether  it  be  that  the  French  women  are  naturally 
bolder  than  the  German,  or  that  a  certain  fashionable 
philosopher  had  in  some  degree  prepared  them  for  sci 
entific  horrors,  by  his  exhibition  of  fossil  remains.  The 
thing  took  amazingly — there  was  something  new  in  the 
idea  of  looking  at  the  back  of  the  head,  instead  of  the 
face,  to  ascertain  the  peculiarities  of  human  character, 
and  novelty  is  indispensable  to  the  existence  of  people 
who  have  exhausted  all  other  pleasures.  There  were 
indeed  some  ladies  belonging  to  the  coteries  of  the  old 
lecturers,  who  affected  to  laugh  at  the  doctor's  theory, 
but  even  they  were  effectually  silenced  by  a  discovery 
of  my  master,  that  the  organ  of  tune  was  developed  in 
the  head  of  the  famous  composer  Rossini,  to  such  a  de 
gree  that  it  had  actually  monopolized  nearly  the  whole 
of  his  cerebellum.  There  was  no  resisting  this  proof, 
not  only  that  Rossini  was  a  great  composer  of  tunes, 
but  likewise  that  the  doctor's  science  was  infallible. 


206  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

The  fiddler  and  the  doctor  accordingly  were  the  two 
greatest  men  in  Paris.  The  rage  for  cerebral  develop 
ments  became  intense,  and  thenceforward  every  lady  of 
the  least  pretensions  to  fashion  or  science  procured  a 
scull,  marked  and  mapped  conformably  with  the  prin 
ciples  of  the  sublime  science,  which  she  placed  on  her 
toilet  in  order  that  she  might  dress  and  study  at  the 
same  time.  Two  or  three  of  the  most  zealous  female 
devotees  actually  fell  in  love  with  the  doctor,  being 
deeply  smitten  with  his  cerebral  development.  The 
fashionable  gentlemen  whose  sole  business  is  to  make 
love,  began  to  grow  jealous  of  Varus  and  his  legions, 
and  one  or  two  ludicrous  anecdotes  occurred  which  set 
all  Paris  tittering.  I  will  relate  them,  although  I  can 
not  vouch  for  their  truth  any  farther  than  to  say  that 
everybody  believed  them. 

A  young  nobleman  was  deeply  enamoured  of  a 
beautiful  lady  of  high  rank,  and  particularly  jealous  of 
one  of  his  rivals  who  wore  powder  in  his  hair.  He 
had  been  absent  some  weeks  on  military  duty,  and  re 
turning  to  town  one  evening,  proceeded  directly  to  the 
house  of  his  mistress  intending  to  surprise  her  with  a 
visit.  Finding  a  servant  at  the  door,  he  inquired  for 
the  lady,  and  was  told  that  she  was  so  deeply  engaged 
that  she  could  see  nobody.  The  jealousy  of  the  lover 
was  alarmed,  and  pushing  the  servant  aside,  he  pro 
ceeded  silently  towards  the  lady's  boudoir,  the  door  of 
which  he  found  shut.  Pausing  a  moment,  he  heard  as 
he  imagined  two  voices  within  exchanging  words  of 
most  particular  endearment,  and  something  in  the  pauses 
that  sounded  like  kissing.  Human  nature  could  stand 
it  no  longer.  He  peeped  through  the  keyhole,  where 
he  saw  a  sight  that  drove  him  to  madness.  The  lady 
was  sitting  by  the  light  of  a  fire  which  was  fast  going  out, 
caressing  and  fondling  a  figure,  the  whiteness  of  whose 
head  too  well  indicated  his  detestable  powdered  rival. 
From  time  to  time  he  heard  the  words  amativeness,  ad- 


THE  PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  207 

hesiveness,  hope,  secretiveness,  and  elopement,  or  some 
thing  that  sounded  very  like  it.  The  thing  was  per 
fectly  plain — they  were  exchanging  professions  of  love 
and  planning  an  elopement.  The  sight  and  the  con 
viction  was  no  longer  to  be  borne.  He  burst  open  the 
door  furiously,  and  being  in  full  uniform  as  an  officer  of 
the  guards,  drew  his  sword,  and  making  a  desperate  blow 
at  the  powdered  head,  it  flew  off  the  shoulders  and  rolled 
upon  the  floor.  The  lady  shrieked  and  sunk  from  her 
seat ;  the  jealous  lover  hearing  a  noise  in  the  outward 
apartments,  and  supposing  he  had  done  the  gentleman's 
business  pretty  effectually,  bethought  himself  that  it  was 
high  time  to  take  care  of  himself.  He  accordingly 
made  the  best  of  his  way  out  of  the  house,  towards  the 
gate  St.  Honore,  through  which  he  hurried  into  the 
country,  nor  stopped  till  he  had  safely  lodged  himself 
within  his  castle  in  Normandy. 

From  thence  he  wrote  a  letter  filled  with  the  most  cut 
ting  reproaches — charging  his  mistress  with  falsehood, 
cruelty,  deceit,  and  all  sorts  of  villany,  and  vowing  on 
the  cross  of  his  sword  never  to  see  her  more.  The 
lady  laughed  two  full  hours  on  the  receipt  of  this  defi 
ance.  When  she  had  done  laughing,  as  she  really  had 
a  regard  for  her  admirer,  she  sat  down  and  wrpte  him 
the  following  reply : 

"  Good  Monsieur  Jealousy — 

"  You  are  welcome  to  call  me  what  you  will,  except 
it  be  old  or  ugly.  However,  I  forgive  you,  and  so  does 
the  formidable  rival  whose  head  you  so  dexterously  sev 
ered  from  his  body,  and  who  I  give  you  my  honour  is  not 
the  least  the  worse  for  the  accident.  I  solemnly  assure 
you,  you  may  come  back  to  Paris  without  the  least 
danger  of  being  prosecuted  by  the  family  of  Monsieur 

M ,  or  being  received  by  me  with  ill-humour,  for  I 

shall  laugh  at  you  terribly. 

«  Your  friend,  N.  N." 

18 


208  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

This  epistle  puzzled  the  lover  not  a  little,  and  caused 
him  fifty  sensations  in  a  minute.  First  he  would  re 
turn  to  Paris,  and  then  he  would  not — then  he  resolved 
never  to  see  his  mistress  again — and  next  to  mount  his 
horse,  return  immediately,  look  her  stone  dead,  and 
then  set  out  on  his  travels  to  the  interior  of  Africa. 
This  last  resolution  carried  the  day,  and  he  forthwith 
returned  to  Paris  in  as  great  a  hurry  as  he  had  left  it. 
When  the  lady  saw  him,  she  was  as  good  as  her  word  — 
she  laughed  herself  out  of  breath,  and  the  more  he  re 
proached  her,  the  louder  she  laughed.  However,  as 
anger  and  laughter  can't  last  for  ever,  a  truce  took  place 
in  good  time,  and  the  lady  addressed  her  lover  as  fol 
lows  : 

"  Cease  thy  reproaches,  my  good  friend,  and  hear 
me.  I  am  determined  to  give  you  the  most  convincing 
proof  in  the  world  of  my  truth  and  attachment,  by  de 
livering  your  rival  into  your  hands,  to  be  dealt  with  as 
you  think  proper.  Know  that  he  is  now  concealed  in 
this  very  room." 

"  Is  he  ?"  replied  the  other  in  a  rage — "  then  by 
heaven  he  has  not  long  to  live — I  shall  take  care  to  cut 
off  his  head  so  effectually  this  time  that  the  most  ex 
pert  surgeon  in  Paris  shall  not  put  it  on  again — where 
is  the  lurking  caitiff? — But  I  need  not  ask — I  see  his 
infernal  powdered  head  peeping  from  under  the  sofa — 
come  out  villain,  and  receive  the  reward  of  thy  inso 
lence  in  rivalling  me." 

So  saying,  he  seized  the  treacherous  powdered  head, 
and  to  his  astonishment  drew  it  forth  without  any  body  to 
it.  He  stood  aghast — and  the  lady  threw  herself  on 
the  sofa,  and  laughed  ten  times  louder  than  before. 

"  What  in  the  name  of  woman,"  cried  he  at  last,  "is 
the  meaning  of  all  this  mummery  ?" 

"  It  means  that  I  am  innocent — and  that  your  wor 
ship  is — jealous  of  the  scull,  or  what  is  worse,  the  plas 
ter  counterfeit  of  the  scull  of  your  grandmother,  the 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  209 

immortal  author  of  the  Grand  Cyrus.  I  was  but  ad 
miring  the  beautiful  indication  of  the  amative  organ, 
from  which  it  plainly  appears  impossible  that  any  other 
person  could  have  written  such  prodigiously  long  devel 
opments  of  the  tender  passion." 

"  But  why  did  you  kiss  the  filthy  representation  of 
mortality  V 

"  You  were  mistaken,"  answered  the  lady,  "  as  the 
room  was  rather  dark,  I  placed  my  face  close  to  it  in 
order  the  better  to  see  and  admire  its  beautiful  cerebral 
development." 

"  Its  what  1"  replied  the  lover  impatiently. 

"  Its  phrenological  indications." 

**  And  what  in  the  name  of  heaven  are  these  ?"  cried 
the  lover,  in  some  alarm  for  the  intellects  of  his  fair  mis-- 
tress.  The  lady  then  proceeded  to  explain  to  him  the 
revolution  in  science  which  had  taken  place  during  his 
absence  ;  and  a  reconciliation  being  the  consequence, 
that  night  took  him  to  the  doctor's  lecture  that  he  might 
no  longer  be  an  age  behind  the  rest  of  the  world.  The 
story  got  abroad — indeed  the  lady  could  not  resist  tell 
ing  it  herself  to  a  friend  with  strict  injunctions  of 
secrecy — and  all  Paris  became  still  more  devoted  to  the 
sublime  science  for  having  afforded  such  an  excellent 
subject  for  a  joke. 

The  other  story  relates  to  a  young  nobleman  whose 
situation  near  the  king,  and  orthodox  ultraism,  made 
him  a  very  distinguished  person  in  the  beau-monde. 
But  he  was  distinguished  only  in  a  certain  way  ;  that  is, 
he  was  a  sort  of  butt,  on  whose  shoulders  every  ridicu 
lous  incident  was  regularly  fathered,  whether  it  owed  its 
paternity  to  him  or  not.  As  Pasquin  stands  sponsor  for 
all  the  wise  sayings  of  Rome,  so  M.  the  Viscount  came 
in  for  all  the  foolish  actions  of  Paris.  He  was,  as  it 
were,  residuary  legatee  to  all  the  posthumous  follies  of 
his  ancestors,  as  well  as  the  living  absurdities  of  his 
noble  cotemporaries.  He  was  one  of  those  people  who 


210  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE, 

fancy  themselves  most  eminently  qualified  for  that  for 
which  they  are  most  peculiarly  unfit,  and  whom  folly 
and  vanity  combined  are  perpetually  stimulating  to  act 
in  direct  opposition  to  nature  or  destiny.  He  was  con 
temptible  in  his  person — yet  he  set  up  for  a  beau  and 
Adonis — he  was  still  more  contemptible  in  mind — yet 
he  never  rested  till  he  had  bought  the  title  of  a  Maece 
nas  and  a  savan  of  an  industrious  manufacturer  of  ultra- 
doggrel  rhymes,  whom  he  had  got  into  the  National 
Institute.  He  was,  moreover,  born  for  a  valet,  or  at 
best,  a  pastry-cook — yet  he  aspired  to  the  lofty  chivalry 
and  inflexible  honour  of  a  feudal  baron  ;  and  he  became 
a  soldier,  only,  as  it  would  seem,  because  he  was  the 
greatest  coward  in  all  Paris.  It  was  well  known  that 
he  gave  five  hundred  francs  to  a  noted  bully  to  let  him 
beat  him  at  a  public  coffee-house,  and  afterward  allowed 
his  brother,  a  tall  grenadier,  a  pension  not  to  kill  him 
for  it. 

The  viscount  had  likewise  been  absent  some  months 
at  a  small  town  in  one  of  the  northern  departments,  whi 
ther  he  had  gone  to  suppress  an  insurrection,  begun  by 
two  or  three  fish-women,  stimulated  as  was  shrewdly 
suspected,  by  an  old  gardener,  who  had,  as  was  con 
fidently  asserted,  been  one  of  Napoleon's  trumpeters. 
On  his  return,  he  for  the  first  time  heard  of  the  sublime 
science  arid  its  progress  among  the  beau-monde.  The 
viscount  hated  all  innovations  in  science,  or  indeed  any 
thing  else.  He  aspired  to  be  a  second  Joshua,  and  to 
make  the  sun  of  intellect  at  least  stand  still,  if  he  could 
not  make  it  go  backwards  as  he  had  good  hopes  of  doing. 
Without  waiting  to  hear  any  of  the  particulars  of  our 
exhibition,  he  hastened,  armed  and  in  uniform  as  he  was, 
to  the  hotel  where  the  doctor  was  at  that  moment  just 
commencing  a  lecture. 

The  valiant  viscount  advanced  with  great  intrepidity 
close  to  the  table,  and  leaning  gracefully  on  his  sword, 
listened  in  silence  to  discover  whether  there  was  any 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  211 

thing  that  smacked  of  democracy  or  heterodoxy.     At 
the  proper  moment  I  put  my  hand  into  our  Golgotha, 
and  leisurely  drew   forth  the  far-famed  scull  of  Varus, 
whom  I  have  always  considered  the  most  fortunate  man 
of  all  antiquity,  in  having  been  surprised  and  slain  in  the 
now  more  memorable  than  ever  forest  of  Teutoburgium. 
As  we  scientific  gentlemen  have  a  hawk's  eye  for  a  new 
comer,  one  of  whom  is  worth  a  host  of  old  faces  at  a 
lecture,  I  took  care  in  bringing  the  cerebral  development 
forth,  to  thrust  it  directly  towards  the  face  of  the  viscount 
with  the  teeth  foremost.      The  viscount  fell  back,  fainted, 
and  lay  insensible  for  some  minutes.      But  the  moment 
he  revived  he  started  upon  his  legs  in  a  phrensy  of  ter 
ror,  and  began  to  lay  about  him  with  his  good  sword  so 
valiantly  that  nobody  dared  to  come  near  him.      First 
he  attacked  the  doctor  and  myself,   whom  he  charged 
with  the  massacre  of  the  eleven  thousand  virgins,  and 
the    introduction   of  infidel   sculls  into  France,  which 
was  tantamount  to  preaching  infidelity.      The  innocent 
cerebellum  of  poor  Varus   next  felt  the  effects  of  his 
terror-inspired  valour.      He  hacked  it  until  the  cerebral 
development  was  entirely  destroyed,  and  then  proceeded 
in  like  manner  to  make  an  example  of  the  contents  of 
the  bag,  which  he  shivered  without  mercy  with  his  in 
vincible  sword.      In  short,  before  he  fairly  came  to  his 
senses,  the  worthy  gentleman  had  demolished  almost 
every  thing  in  the  room — put  out  the  lights  and  fright 
ened  every  soul  from  the  lecture.      The  solitude  and 
darkness  which  succeeded  brought  him  gradually  to  his 
recollection,  when  finding  himself  thus  left  alone  with  the 
ruins  of  so  many  pagan  sculls,  he  gave  a  great  shriek, 
scampered  out  of  the  room,  and  did  not  stop  until  he 
had  sheltered  himself  in  the  very  centre  of  a  corporal 
and  his  guard,  belonging  to  his  regiment,  who  all  swore 
they  would  stand  by  him  till  the  last  drop  of  their  blood. 
This  adventure  was  fatal  to  my  master,  Dr.  Gallgo- 
tha.     In  the  first  place,  it  deprived  him  of  nearly  the 


212  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

whole  of  his  phrenological  specimens,  and  without  these 
he  was  like  a  workman  despoiled  of  his  tools.  Be 
sides,  the  viscount  had  the  very  next  morning  demanded 
an  audience  of  the  king,  in  which  he  denounced  the 
doctor,  as  tinctured  very  strongly  with  liberalism,  and  its 
invariable  concomitants  of  sacrilege  and  impiety.  Now 
I  will  venture  to  affirm,  that  the  good  doctor  was  not  only 
perfectly  ignorant  of  the  very  meaning  of  the  word  liberal, 
but  that  he  was  equally  innocent  of  the  other  two 
charges.  The  truth  is,  all  his  organs  of  faith,  morality, 
and  politics  were  swallowed  up,  or  elbowed  out  of  the 
cerebellum  by  the  prodigious  expansion  of  the  organ  of 
ideality  or  invention.  However  this  may  be,  the  king 
was  more  afraid  of  the  three  abominations  of  liberalism, 
than  of  plague,  pestilence,  and  famine.  He  consulted 
the  Jesuits,  who  forthwith  decided  upon  taking  the  poor 
doctor  and  all  his  works  into  custody.  The  valiant  vis 
count,  who  always  volunteered  in  all  cases  of  liberalism 
and  impiety,  undertook  the  task,  aided  by  a  guard  of 
soldiers  armed  in  proof,  for  he  did  not  know  but  the 
doctor  might  have  another  bag-full  of  pericraniums. 
Advancing  with  great  caution  they  surrounded  the  house, 
while  the  captain  of  the  guard,  with  three  stout  resolute 
fellows,  entered  for  the  purpose  of  reconnoitring  the 
ground,  and  especially  of  ascertaining  that  there  were  no 
sculls  to  frighten  the  viscount.  The  gallant  soldier, 
having  settled  the  latter  point  to  his  satisfaction,  charged 
bayonet  in  the  rear  of  his  guards,  and  rushing  up  stairs 
in  spite  of  Varus  and  his  legions,  detected  the  doctor  in 
the  very  act  of  committing  to  memory  a  new  lecture  he 
had  just  composed  for  the  purpose  of  demonstrating  that 
there  was  a  certain  organ  of  the  cerebellum,  the  enlarged 
development  of  which  always  entailed  upon  its  possessor 
the  absolute  necessity  of  committing  murder.  The 
doctor  and  I  were  clapped  up  in  prison,  and  his  lecture 
carried  to  court  to  undergo  a  strict  examination  by  the 
king's  confessor  and  the  Jesuits. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  213 

It  was  some  time  before  these  expert  mousers  of  radi 
calism  and  infidelity  could  make  any  thing  of  the  doc 
tor's  lecture,  or  discover  any  offence  to  church  or  state. 
At  length  they  came  to  that  part  where,  in  summing  up 
the  subject,  he  laid  down  the  doctrine  of  the  actual 
necessity  certain  persons  laboured  under  of  committing 
murder,  and  that  the  rule  applied  as  well  to  kings  as  to 
their  subjects. 

"  He  inculcates  the  doctrine  of  equality,"  cried  one 
— "  he  denies  the  divine  right  of  kings." 

"  He  is  a  republican,"  cried  a  second. 

"  He  is  a  traitor,"  cried  a  third. 

A  little  further  on,  they  found  the  following  assertion 
— "  I  deny  that  the  three  legions  of  Varus  formed  one 
body." 

"  Behold  !"  said  the  confessor,  "  he  denies  the  trin 
ity — he  maintains  that  three  is  not  one — enough,  let  us 
burn  the  book  and  hang  the  doctor." 

Some  of  the  more  moderate  counsellors,  however,  as 
I  afterward  learned,  petitioned  for  a  mitigation  of  the 
sentence,  which  was  finally  commuted  into  perpetual 
banishment.  We  were  sent  for  to  hear  our  doom,  and 
the  viscount,  who  always  liked  a  good-natured  errand,  was 
the  bearer  of  the  message.  As  we  followed  him  into 
the  palace,  which  we  all  entered  uncovered,  the  doctor 
observed  to  me  that  the  viscount  had  a  most  formidable 
development  of  the  organ  of  self-esteem.  The  con 
fessor  lectured  the  doctor  upon  his  vile  infidelity,  his 
liberalism,  and  disaffection  to  church  and  state,  all 
which  came  as  naturally  together  as  so  many  chymical 
affinities.  The  doctor  demanded  the  proof,  and  was 
referred  to  the  passages  I  have  just  repeated. 

It  was  in  vain  that  he  referred  in  turn  to  the  other 
members  of  the  sentences  thus  garbled,  to  prove  that 
he  was  neither  alluding  to  religion  or  politics  in  his 
lecture. 

"  No  matter,"  said  a  cunning  Jesuit,  who  could  con- 


214  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

vert  a  wink  of  the  eye  into  treason,  and  a  nod  of  the 
head  into  blasphemy — "  no  matter — a  proposition  may 
be  both  treasonable  and  heterodoxical  in  itself,  although 
it  has  no  immediate  application  to  either  politics  or  reli 
gion.  The  assertion  that  three  does  not  make  one,  is 
complete  in  itself,  and  requires  no  reference  either  to 
what  precedes  or  what  follows.  In  two  months  you 
must  be  out  of  France." 

And  thus  were  we  banished  from  the  paradise  of  lec 
turers,  only  because  Doctor  Gallgotha  had  wickedly 
and  impiously  asserted  that  the  physical  organs  of  kings 
were  the  same  with  those  of  cobblers,  and  that  three 
legions,  separately  encamped,  did  not  make  one  body. 
The  confessor  advised  us  to  go  to  the  New  World,  where, 
as  there  was  neither  loyalty  nor  religion,  we  should  be  in 
our  element.  But  in  truth  the  doctor  was  become  tired 
of  Paris  and  of  the  world  of  fashion,  which  had  begun  to 
discover  symptoms  of  ennui  for  some  little  time  past. 
Indeed,  several  of  his  greatest  admirers  had  lately  ab 
sented  themselves,  to  go  and  see  an  automaton,  who 
delivered  lectures  on  the  physical  organization  of  man, 
to  the  astonishment  of  all  the  fashionable  lovers  of 
science.  Besides  all  this,  the  determined  valour  of  the 
viscount  had  demolished  the  precious  materials  by  which 
he  exemplified  his  theory,  and  he  knew  not  where  to 
supply  the  loss  without  resorting  to  the  forest  of  Teuto- 
burgium.  While  we  were  debating  whither  to  frame 
our  course,  and  just  as  I  had  almost  brought  the  doctor 
to  consent  to  accompanying  me  to  the  city  of  my  nativity, 
the  good  old  man  fell  sick,  or  rather  the  fabric  of  nature 
sunk  under  him,  and  the  lamp  which  had  illuminated  it 
began  to  twinkle  so  faintly  in  its  socket  that  it  was  plain 
the  oil  was  quite  spent. 

He  took  to  his  bed,  from  whence  he  never  rose  again. 
I  was  going  to  send  for  a  physician.  "  No,"  said  he, 
with  a  languid  smile,  "  I  will  die  a  Christian,  but  not  a 
martyr.  It  is  cruel  to  torture  age  with  unavailing 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  213 

remedies.  Besides,  I  have  not  money  to  pay  a  doc 
tor,  and  it  would  mortify  my  pride  to  be  killed  for 
nothing." 

I  have  a  satisfaction,  even  at  this  distance  of  time,  in 
the  recollection  that  I  attended  him  faithfully  to  the  last, 
supplied  his  wants  and  administered  to  his  infirmities, 
as  if  he  had  been  my  father.  About  four  o'clock  one 
morning,  a  little  before  the  dawning  of  the  day,  and  just 
at  the  period  of  time  when  nature  seems  to  be  in  her 
last  and  profoundest  repose,  preparatory  to  waking — the 
doctor,  after  lying  perfectly  still  for  upwards  of  an  hour, 
suddenly  raised  himself  on  his  elbow — and  with  an  eye 
clear  and  bright  surveyed  the  room  all  around  with  a 
slow  and  measured  turn  of  the  head.  For  a  moment 
his  eye  rested  upon  me — but  he  did  not  speak.  He 
then  sunk  easily  upon  his  pillow — I  put  my  face  close 
to  his — he  breathed  into  it  once — and  there  was  a  long 
pause.  He  is  gone,  said  I — no,  he  breathed  again,  and 
there  was  another  still  longer  pause.  It  is  all  over  now, 
said  I ;  but  he  respired  yet  once  again — and  that  was 
the  last — I  waited,  but  he  breathed  no  more. 

They  would  not  let  me  bury  him  in  a  churchyard, 
because,  as  the  confessor  maintained,  he  was  no  Chris 
tian,  and  therefore  was  not  entitled  to  Christian  charity 
and  forgiveness  after  he  was  dead.  But  I  buried  the 
old  philosopher  where  the  grass  grew  as  green,  the 
flowers  bloomed  as  gay,  and  the  birds  warbled  as 
sweetly  as  if  the  spot  had  been  blessed  by  the  confessor 
himself.  Having  done  this,  I  turned  my  face  towards 
the  Athens  of  the  North,  which  I  now  felt  myself  thor 
oughly  qualified  to  enrich  with  an  entire  new  science. 
I  had  succeeded  indeed,  beyond  all  expectation,  and  our 
society  having  had  from  time  to  time,  mysterious  hints 
of  my  progress,  was  expecting  me  with  anxious  impa 
tience. 

I  accordingly  gathered  together  the  wrecks  of  my  old 
friend's  lectures,  which  had  escaped  the  researches  of 


216  THE    PERFECTION    OP    SCIENCE. 

the  ultra-viscount,  and  set  out  on  my  return  to  my  own 
country. 

Without  troubling  you  with  the  incidents  of  my  jour 
ney  which  are  of  no  consequence,  I  arrived  in  safety  at 
the  seat  of  the  sciences.  I  had  been  expected  with 
anxiety,  and  was  received  with  rapture,  as  one  destined 
to  revive  the  dormant  excitement  of  the  fashionable 
devotees.  I  found  there  had  been  a  terrible  falling  off 
in  my  absence.  Money  had  actually  got  the  upper 
hand  of  merit ;  feasts  were  preferred  to  philosophy ; 
dances  to  dogmatizing  ;  gallants  to  gallypots  ;  and  what 
was  worst  of  all,  the  most  invincible  blue-stocking,  with 
out  beauty,  was  no  match  for  a  country  simpleton,  with 
blue  laughing  eyes,  rosy  cheeks,  and  a  partridge  figure. 
Such  was  the  backsliding  which  had  taken  place,  that  a 
fashionable  baronet  ventured  to  declare  publicly  in 
favour  of  downright  ignorance  ;  and  an  old  professor  of 
anatomy  was  detected  in  deserting  a  discussion  upon 
fossil  remains,  to  go  and  look  at  a  pretty  girl  who  was 
dancing  a  cotillion.  In  short,  the  temple  of  science  was 
tottering,  and  nothing  could  save  it  but  starting  new 
game,  and  creating  an  excitement  by  some  absolute 
originality. 

My  accomplices  wanted  to  know  very  much  what  I 
had  brought  home  with  me  to  tickle  the  lovers  of 
science ;  but  I  was  determined  neither  they  nor  the 
public  should  learn  any  thing  on  the  subject,  until  I  dis 
closed  it  in  a  public  lecture.  I  was  determined  to  take 
the  northern  Athens  by  surprise.  Accordingly,  it  was 
announced  that  I  would  deliver  a  lecture  on  phrenology 
on  a  particular  evening.  Phrenology !  it  sounded 
indeed  like  something  new.  The  blues  ran  to  their 
dictionary,  but  for  once  they  were  baffled — the  word 
had  not  yet  got  there.  It  was  an  entire  new  coinage. 
The  great  difficulty  was  in  procuring  the  necessary  cere 
bral  developments  for  the  purposes  of  illustration,  without 
subjecting  myself  to  the  penalty  of  the  laws.  Finding 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIE1SCE.  217 

nothing  better  could  be  done,  I  one  night  went  out  of 
the  city  upon  the  common,  and  picked  up  a  number  of 
sculls  of  animals,  principally  dogs,  to  serve  me  on  this 
one  occasion.  There  was  one  which  had  doubtless 
belonged  to  a  large  bull-dog,  that  I  was  resolved  should 
stand  for  the  identical  scull  of  Varus,  which  the  wrathful 
viscount  had  so  inhumanly  demolished  at  Paris.  Every 
exertion  was  made  by  the  society  and  its  friends  to  get 
together  a  fashionable  auditory,  and  accordingly  the 
capacious  lecture-room  of  the  northern  Athens  was 
crowded  with  bonnets  and  feathers  most  magnificently. 
There  was  a  brilliant  audience,  as  was  first  said  of  play 
houses,  and  is  now  said  of  churches  and  lecture-rooms. 

I  confess  I  felt  somewhat  skittish  in  this  first  attempt 
to  try  on  an  entire  new  science.  However,  I  put  a 
good  face  on  the  matter,  and  lectured  away,  regardless 
of  consequences.  I  must  do  them  the  justice  to  say 
they  took  it  with  great  good-humour.  When  I  talked 
of  the  organ  of  amativeness,  the  young  folks  tittered, 
and  began  to  feel  for  it  at  the  back  of  each  other's 
heads — I  was  assured  that  many  secret  attachments 
were  brought  to  light  by  this  scrutiny,  three  of  which 
resulted  in  elopements  the  next  day.  But  when  I 
brought  forth  the  scull  of  the  bull-dog,  which  I  announced 
as  that  of  Quintilius  Varus,  the  effect  was  sublime. 
There  was  a  general  scream  from  the  ladies,  and  two 
or  three  heroes  of  the  Peninsula,  in  full  uniform,  were 
observed  to  look  hard  at  the  door.  However,  they 
stood  their  ground  manfully,  and  by  putting  a  bold  face 
on  the  matter,  reassured  the  more  timid  of  the  auditory. 
Upon  the  whole,  I  got  through  with  flying  colours,  and 
the  debut  of  the  new  science  was  pronounced  eminently 
successful.  By  the  next  lecture,  I  procured  a  real 
apparatus  of  cerebral  developments,  which  I  had  mapped 
out  to  the  best  of  my  recollection,  according  to  the 
theory  of  Dr.  Gallgotha. 

After  this  successful  debut,  I  continued  my  course, 
K 


218  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

and  made  proselytes  at  every  lecture,  until  at  length 
they  became  sufficiently  numerous  to  form  a  society, 
which  was  accordingly  established  under  the  name  of 
the  Phrenological  Institute.  So  alarming  indeed  was 
rny  progress,  that  the  old  sciences  which  had  once  been 
belles,  and  still  retained  a  strong  disposition  to  coquette 
it  a  little  with  their  veteran  beaux,  began  to  wax  jealous. 
Finding  themselves,  like  the  ancient  Britons,  likely  to 
be  subjected  by  the  very  power  they  had  called  over  in 
their  own  defence,  they  raised  the  standard  against  me 
and  my  phrenological  brethren. 

They  pronounced  my  science  no  science  at  all ; 
affirming  that  unlike  all  others  it  was  subject  to  no  rules, 
or,  at  least,  to  none  but  imaginary  ones,  that  were  nei 
ther  susceptible  of  demonstration,  nor  maintainable  on 
the  ground  of  experiment  or  reasoning.  The  physiog 
nomists  especially,  led  the  van  against  me,  as  being 
their  most  formidable  opponent ;  and  as  a  wag  of  our 
society  observed,  we  were  of  necessity  in  a  minority, 
because  all  persons  without  brains  would  of  course 
take  sides  against  a  science  founded  on  the  supposed 
existence  of  what  nature  had  denied  them.  We  con 
tinued  to  make  head  against  this  formidable  array,  and 
to  maintain  our  ascendency,  until,  in  an  evil  hour,  some 
workmen  in  digging  among  the  foundations  of  a  ruined 
abbey  discovered  the  scull  of  King  Robert  Bruce,  which 
falling  into  the  hands  of  our  enemies,  was  forthwith 
arrayed  against  Yarus  and  his  legions.  It  was  imme 
diately  put  to  the  phrenological  test,  and  found  wanting 
in  many  of  the  cerebral  developments  characteristic  of 
the  known  qualities  of  that  renowned  deliverer  of  Scot 
land,  and  destroyer  of  phrenology.  As  ill  luck,  or  des 
tiny  would  have  it,  the  development  of  his  organs  was 
phrenologically  at  war  with  the  whole  history  of  his  life  ; 
and  there  was  no  getting  over  this  desperate  anomaly 
except  by  either  denying  its  identity,  denying  its  his 
tory,  or  lastly,  explaining  the  incidents  away  in  such  a 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  219 

manner  as  to  reconcile  them  to  our  theory.  "  If  the 
mountain*  won't  come  to  Mahomet,"  said  the  wag  of  a 
member,  "  Mahomet  must  go  to  the  mountain — if  the 
head  of  King  Robert  won't  accommodate  itself  to  our 
science,  we  must  make  his  history  do  it,  which  will  be 
just  as  well."  Accordingly  he  set  about  the  task,  and 
at  our  next  meeting  produced  a  dissertation,  in  which 
he  proved  pretty  clearly  that  King  Robert  was  altoge 
ther  a  different  person  from  what  all  the  world  had 
believed  him  to  be  for  centuries ;  and  that  so  far 
from  his  cerebral  development  contradicting  the  princi 
ples  of  the  sublime  science,  it  demonstrated  their  truth 
beyond  question. 

This  dissertation  was  immediately  made  public,  but 
although  every  member  of  our  society  believed  it  would 
effectually  silence  all  our  opponents,  such  is  the  obsti 
nacy  of  long  received  opinions,  and  such  the  inveteracy 
of  jealous  rivalry,  that  it  had  little  influence  on  the  world, 
and  the  scull  of  King  Robert  proved  in  the  end  the  battle 
of  Bannockburn  to  our  society.  Daily  desertions  took 
place  from  the  benches  of  my  lecture-room  ;  the  young 
lovers  began  again  to  look  into  each  other's  eyes  and 
study  the  changeable  velvet  of  the  cheeks  for  indications 
of  the  universal  passion ;  and  at  length  it  came  to  pass 
that  none  but  the  canine  race  thought  of  going  to  the 
rear  to  study  characters.  What  the  head  of  King 
Robert  had  begun,  another  head  was  destined  to  finish. 
A  gentleman  just  arrived  from  abroad,  brought  with 
him,  and  presented  to  our  society,  a  cast  which  he  as 
sured  me  was  an  exact  representation  of  the  scull  of 
SERVIN,  immortalized  in  Sully's  Memoirs,  as  a  monster 
compounded  of  the  sublimest  genius  and  the  most  gro 
velling  detestable  vices.  On  examination,  I  discovered 
to  my  infinite  delight  that  the  cerebral  development  ex 
hibited  the  character  and  propensities  of  Servin  with  a 
degree  of  precision  that,  if  known,  would  silence  all 
cavilling,  and  go  far  to  establish  my  system  beyond 
K2 


220  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

question.  I  determined  at  once  to  bring  it  into  the  field 
in  opposition  to  the  head  of  King  Robert,  and  let  them 
fight  it  out  before  the  public.  Accordingly  I  announced 
the  receipt  of  my  treasure,  and  invited  all  skeptics  to 
come  and  receive  a  demonstration  of  the  sublime  truths 
of  phrenology.  I  had  not  seen  such  an  audience  for 
many  a  day,  although  the  evening  was  stormy,  and 
commenced  my  lecture  on  Servin's  head  in  high  spirits. 
I  pointed  out  the  development  so  exactly  corresponding 
with  the  character — here  the  organ  of  ideality,  announ 
cing  the  extent  of  his  genius — and  there  the  organ  of 
cunning  and  cruelty,  announcing  the  extent  of  his  crimes 
and  duplicity.  Here  the  organ  of  tune,  demonstrating 
his  taste  for  music  ;  there  the  organ  of  languages,  exem 
plifying  his  unequalled  capacity  for  their  acquirement. 
Here  philoprogeniti veness — there  destructiveness — here 
secretiveness — there  concentrativeness.  In  short,  I 
proved  that  the  head  could  have  belonged  to  none  but  a 
person  of  great  intellectual  capacity,  contrasted  with 
equal  depravity.  In  the  triumph  of  my  heart,  I  held  it 
up  to  the  audience  as  the  hero  of  phrenology,  the  invin 
cible  rival  and  conqueror  of  King  Robert.  I  shook  it 
in  the  faces  of  the  unbelievers,  and  handled  it  at  length 
with  so  little  discretion,  that  it  fell  from  my  grasp  upon 
the  floor,  and  the  plaster  flew  about  in  all  directions.  I 
hastened  to  lift  it  up  again,  and  presenting  it  to  the  light, 
was  struck  with  horror  and  dismay.  The  scaling  of  the 
plaster  had  exposed  to  view  the  rude  outlines  of  one  of 
those  wooden  heads  which  sometimes  ornament  the 
coasting  vessels  of  my  native  country.  I  had  not  the 
presence  of  mind  to  put  it  out  of  sight,  but  stood  in  stu- 
pifying  embarrassment  without  uttering  a  word,  when  I 
was  at  length  roused  by  a  hoarse  voice  crying  out — 

"  I) n  my  eyes,  Tom,  is'nt  that  the  head   of  the 

Lovely  Nancy,  that  some  rascally  land-lubber  stole 
from  her  bows  the  other  night  ?"  Tom  immediately 
confirmed  this  with  a  round  sailor's  oath,  adding — "  'Tis 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  221 

a  lucky  godsend  that  we  came  in  here  for  a  harbour 
from  the  storm  to-night,  to  unkennel  this  thief  of  the 
world,  with  his  outlandish  gibberish  about  serving  heads 
— if  this  is  the  way  he  serves  them,  he'll  get  served  with 
a  baker's  dozen  at  the  gangway  before  long."  So  say 
ing,  the  two  gallant  tars  advanced  to  the  table,  and  seizing 
the  head  of  the  Lovely  Nancy,  bore  it  off  in  triumph, 
amid  shouts  of  laughter  on  all  sides. 

There  was  no  lecturing  in  the  northern  Athens  after 
this  untoward  accident,  which  shook  the  faith  even  of 
the  true  believers.  All  my  disciples  left  me  with  the 
exception  of  a  worthy  advocate,  who  was  saved  from 
utter  condemnation  as  an  insuperable  blockhead,  only 
by  the  uncommon  development  of  the  organ  of  ideal 
ity,  which  sufficiently  demonstrated  the  extent  of  his 
genius.  It  was  neck  or  nothing  with  him — he  must 
either  be  an  ass  or  a  phrenologist.  The  others  were 
all  laughed  away  from  me. 

There  was  now  but  one  way  left  me  to  establish  the 
truths  of  the  sublime  science,  and  that  was  to  demon 
strate  them  by  actual  practice — to  make  them  the  guides 
of  my  conduct  in  life,  and  to  disregard  entirely  thet 
flickering  lights  of  experience,  as  well  as  those  vague, 
uncertain,  and  delusive  indications  of  character  which 
are  supposed  to  exhibit  themselves  in  the  conduct  and 
disposition  of  mankind.  I  determined  either  to  show 
the  world  the  superiority  of  the  unerring  test  of  the  cere 
bral  developments,  over  all  other  touchstones  of  human 
passions,  or  perish  in  the  attempt.  Men  have  in  all 
ages  and  nations  sacrificed  themselves  to  the  establish 
ment  of  great  truths — nay,  many  have  voluntarily  be 
come  victims  to  the  most  absurd,  vain,  and  mischievous 
theories.  Superstition  has  had,  if  possible,  more  en 
thusiastic  and  willing  martyrs  than  true  religion ;  and 
thousands  have  shed  their  blood  for  the  support  of  false 
hood,  who  would  have  shrunk  from  doing  it  in  defence 
of  truth.  I  will,  therefore,  said  I,  not  flinch  from  the 


222  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

duty  before  me.  I  will  become  the  high-priest,  or  the 
martyr  of  my  science  ;  and  if  I  cannot  prove  its  sub 
lime  truths,  will  at  least  offer  a  demonstration  that  I 
believe  in  them  myself. 

For  this  purpose  it  was  necessary  to  leave  for  awhile 
the  path  of  philosophy  and  abstraction,  for  the  busy 
occupations  and  pursuits  of  practical  life.  It  is  these, 
and  these  only,  that  in  the  eyes  of  the  vulgar  and  near 
sighted  of  mankind,  furnish  the  test  of  truth.  They 
judge  of  a  science  or  a  theory,  not  by  the  unerring 
standard  of  its  abstract  beauty,  ingenuity,  or  grandeur, 
but  by  its  pitiful  practical  operation,  within  the  sphere 
of  their  own  actual  experience.  The  great  and  radical 
difference  between  the  ignorant  and  the  wise,  is,  that 
the  former  persist  in  obstinately  believing  what  they  see, 
without  being  able  to  explain  its  causes  ;  while  the  latter 
consider  the  evidence  of  the  five  senses  as  only  fit  for  a 
court  of  justice,  and  believe  in  nothing  but  what  they 
can  account  for.  They  justly  consider,  that  as  man  is 
emphatically  a  reasoning  being,  he  ought  not  to  give 
credit  to  any  fact,  however  obvious  it  may  be  to  his 
senses,  unless  it  is  supported  by  at  least  one  gofcd  sub 
stantial  reason  on  either  side,  like  a  bladder  under  each 
arm  of  a  swimmer.  The  vulgar,  for  example,  believe 
that  beef  killed  in  the  decrease  of  the  moon,  will  always 
shrink  in  the  boiling,  because  they  see  it  every  day, 
although  they  can't  account  for  the  phenomenon  ;  while 
the  wise  go  upon  surer  grounds — they  first  decide  whe 
ther  a  thing  is  theoretically  possible,  and  then  assert 
that  it  exists.  The  vulgar  are  like  the  blind  man,  who 
denied  the  existence  of  light  because  he  could  not  feel 
it  with  his  fingers,  nor  snuff  it  up  with  his  nose,  nor 
taste  it  with  his  tongue,  nor  hear  it  with  his  ears  ;  while 
the  wise  may  be  likened  to  the  ancient  philosopher,  who 
would  not  believe  his  eyes  when  he  saw  his  house  set 
fire  to  by  lightning,  because  he  could  not  account  for  the 
phenomenon.  In  fine,  the  ignorant  are  the  dupes  of  the 
five  senses  ;  while  the  wise  are  governed  by  the  imagi- 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  223 

nation  alone — that  sublime  and  almost  omnipotent  fac 
ulty  which  creates  worlds  out  of  nothing,  and  makes 
laws  for  those  that  never  had  an  existence.  But  to 
return  from  this  digression. 

The  practical  business  of  this  life,  it  will  be  found, 
consists  principally  in  three  things — getting  married — 
getting  a  family — and  getting  rich.  There  are  other 
miscellaneous  occupations — such  as  driving  tandem — 
running  in  debt — bilking  landlords  and  tailors — and 
walking  up  and  down  the  streets — but  these  are  not  so 
general  as  to  form  any  of  the  grand  divisions  of  human 
pursuits.  In  the  furtherance  of  my  great  object  of 
demonstrating  the  sublime  truths  of  phrenology  by  the 
vulgar  mode  of  practical  application,  I  resolved  to  kill 
two  birds  with  one  stone  by  entering  into  business,  and 
looking  out  for  a  wife  at  the  same  time.  Not  knowing 
much  of  the  ordinary  transactions  of  the  mercantile 
world,  \  found  it  necessary  in  the  first  place  to  choose  a 
partner  with  whom  I  could  intrust  my  capital,  and  in 
whose  skill  I  might  rely  in  the  transaction  of  our  busi 
ness.  Some  people  would  have  gone  about  inquiring 
whether  this  man  or  that  man  was  a  prudent,  honest, 
sensible,  and  experienced  person  ;  and  whether  he  had 
been  long  enough  known  in  the  community  to  have 
established,  as  the  vulgar  phrase  is,  a  good  character. 
But  I  was  determined  to  go  a  short  way  to  work.  I 
advertised  for  a  partner,  with  a  head  as  like  Sir  Thomas 
Gresham  as  possible,  having  the  zygomatic  process 
very  projecting,  the  organ  of  order  strongly  developed, 
and  the  sentiments  of  cautiousness,  conscientiousness, 
veneration,  benevolence,  and  firmness,  all  beautifully 
exhibited  on  the  cerebellum.  Without  all  these,  I  was 
fully  convinced  no  man  could  be  a  great  merchant  or 
build  a  Royal  Exchange. 

In  the  course  of  a  few  days  several  offered  themselves 
to  inspection,  whose  characters  were  excellent,  but 
whose  cerebral  developments  convinced  me  they  either 


224  In*.    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

had  been,  or  would  be,  in  the  course  of  their  lives,  con 
summate  rogues.  It  is  astonishing  indeed  to  see  how 
the  world  is  frequently,  not  to  say  continually,  imposed 
upon  by  people  who  actually  go  down  to  their  graves 
with  the  reputation  of  virtue,  although  fate  and  phrenol 
ogy  both  ordained  it  should  be  otherwise.  I  can  only 
account  for  it  on  the  ground  of  deception,  or  want  of 
opportunity.  Being  resolved  not  to  be  imposed  upon 
by  the  specious  seductions  of  a  good  character,  I  dis 
missed  these  applicants  one  after  the  other  as  civilly  as 
possible.  At  length  a  person  presented  himself,  who 
underwent  the  phrenological  test  greatly  to  my  satisfac 
tion.  He  had  the  finest  development  for  a  merchant  I 
ever  saw.  The  organ  of  acquisitiveness  was  on  a  great 
scale. 

"  Where  is  that  ?"  asked  Mr.  Quominus. 

At  the  anterior  inferior  angle  of  the  parietal  bone. 

"  Hum,"  quoth  Mr.  Quominus — "  and  what  does  the 
said  organ  indicate  V9 

Sometimes  it  indicates  the  tendency  to  acquire  and 
the  desire  to  possess  in  general.  It  is  the  organ  in 
which  the  idea  of  property  first  originated.  Sometimes 
it  leads  to  the  collection  of  coins,  minerals,  paintings, 
and  other  curiosities  of  science — sometimes  to  the  col 
lection  of  bugs,  butterflies,  and  beetles.  In  men  of 
sense,  it  gives  rise  to  the  disposition  to  acquire  useful 
things  ;  in  fools  and  idiots,  to  collect  those  that  are 
worth  nothing.  In  some  it  is  the  love  of  science  ;  in 
others,  the  love  of  money.  A  man,  with  the  organ  of 
conscientiousness  pressing  upon  that  of  acquisitiveness, 
will,  if  he  has  a  hundred  acres  of  land,  feel  vast  delight 
in  acquiring  one  hundred  more,  but  he  will  not  resort  to 
any  improper  means  to  attain  them  ;  while  another  man, 
who  hath  the  organ  of  acquisitiveness  combined  with 
that  of  secretiveness,  will  become  a  thief  in  spite  of 
himself.  He  cannot  help  it  if  he  would.  Among  the 
inferior  animals,  beavers,  bees,  and  ants  are  observed  to 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  225 

have  the  organ  of  acquisitiveness  in  great  perfection. 
Indeed,  it  is  conspicuous  in  all  hoarding  animals. 

"  What  a  wonderful  science !"  exclaimed  the  other 
two  Wise  Men  of  Gotham. 

To  proceed  with  my  story,  said  Dr.  Spurrem,  such 
was  the  apt,  admirable,  and  harmonious  association  of 
organs  in  the  cerebellum  of  this  person,  that  I  perceived 
it  was  quite  unnecessary  to  make  any  inquiries  into  his 
character,  qualifications,  and  pursuits.  I  saw  at  once 
that  he  was  destined  to  be  another  Cosmo  de  Medicis, 
and  forthwith  entered  into  articles  of  trade  with  him  on 
the  spot. 

My  next  business  was  to  get  an  experienced  clerk, 
which  I  soon  did,  by  applying  the  touchstone  of  the 
infallible  science.  I  found  a  man  whose  organ  of  num 
ber  was  beautifully  developed,  and  most  harmoniously 
associated  with  that  of  individuality. 

"  Where  are  they  situated  ?"  asked  Mr.  Quominus. 

The  organ  of  number  is  designated  by  the  arch  of 
the  eyebrow  being  either  much  pressed  downward,  or 
very  much  elevated. 

"  Then,"  observed  the  Man  Machine,  "  it  seems 
that  two  appearances,  exactly  opposite  to  each  other, 
denote  the  same  thing  in  the  science  of  phrensy — I 
mean  phrenology  ?" 

No  such  thing,  replied  the  other — it  only  proves  that 
two  appearances,  entirely  dissimilar,  may  yet  be  as  like 
as  two  peas.  The  development  of  this  organ,  to  any 
extraordinary  extent,  renders  it  impossible  for  the  owner 
not  to  be  a  most  expert  hand  at  figures  and  calcula 
tions  ;  and  when  associated  with  the  organ  of  indivi 
duality — 

"  WTiere  is  that  ?"  interrupted  Mr.  Quominus. 

In  the  middle  of  the  lower  part  of  the  forehead. 

"  And  what  does  it  indicate  ?" 

It  is  the  organ  of  the  memory  and  the  sense  of  things 
— and  it  is  always  most  strongly  developed  in  children. 
K3 


226  THF   n  <;i  i  01  BOM    OF    II  tltt(  I, 


[t  U  tko  the  organ  which  indicates  a  pp.uenr  —  to  adopt 

in  \\  the.  -Mrs  —  to  einhiaee  the  opinions  of  others,  and  a 
\.-r-i  1'acility  in  tcconimodfttiiig  onrsel\<>-  to  n^tom--, 
manner-.  and  <  ircumstaiN  e§i  i'<  i  i6ni  \\  "h  tin-  < 

itrotlglj   d«\«l.ipi'd    have  moreover  a   «!•  >mpa- 

iind  l>\  ihe  alulih.  1->  Knou  (in  N  and  thin;;,-  in  jM-nrial 
—  it  pronij  '  \alu'M  and  invrsliiiation  —  il  iiic  ally 

ai.l.  in  pMiiliifHl-;  :i  Ijilrnl    i'oi   all   piarlical    In 
\«l\ii  ami    In  in  •«'.  lo  ih««    medical    prai'lilinncT, 

tin-  la\\\<  i.  and  ihc  iurn-haiil.il  i  -    nuahiahh1  —  il  c.-iu- 
innnit  air-.  ]>«.\\cr  lo  the  oialm  ---  ait    t.>    the    no\clist  —  it 
1<  nd  -  1.1  ,-dl<  ;•..'!  \   and  pi  isonili*  alion      it   inspii  <M!  Spi  n- 
,1  .li'lin   Iviinxan—  and,  ahov<>  all,  it  delight-  in  the 

"\Miat   an  imalnahlr  .  \il.iiinnl    Air.  Quo- 

innui-  ll  it  indiralc  s  luit  cv<-r\  tliinir,  and  1  slionld 
thinU  (Miy.hi  <••  have  IMMMI  thii^tcMicd  tin1  <n;:an  of  uni- 
\«i-.alii\  lallur  than  of  nidi\  idnahtv." 

\  on  an»  nii-iaK<  n.  <jnoth  llu>  other  —  i!  i^  not   so  uni- 
.1  -  \  .MI  nia\   iina;'.iii(\       A  person  ha\  in",  it  stion;dv 
«le\<  -lupi  d.  i.  l;n  ,  iH'ral  iilcas  —  h(^  is  not  ahle  to 

<  onnnan.l  his  Kno\\l«-il;;c    \\ilhon1    prrvious  prepaiati<Mi. 
and  tin  i.  I.M(    <  an  hanll\  c\ov  luM'nnu1  learned,  or  a 
e\femp«>i;inc  on  -  oiator.       This  has  bi  en   jM..\ed    hy    an 
rxanunalion  ot'   the    seulls   of  aim  species  of 

animal-  Irom  the  t'l  ojj  to  th<^  «>lephant. 

"  ]\\\\  vh:il  h:^lho  h<\-id  oi'  a  hnlllroof  to  do  with  that 
ot'  .1  man:"    a  -Ued  the  Man  Maehino. 

.lii.t  a  -  mueh  as  the  tail  of  a  dog,  said  Dr.  Spun  em. 
iaihei  <  .Mit«MU|t(nou 

»  1  b(^he\e  it."  said  th«^  other,  dryly.  "But  really, 
\vi(h  snhiuission,  sir,  it  a]>penrs  to  }}\c  that  in  your  s<  : 
not  only  dilleixMit  and  opposite  developments  sipiily  the 
.•.nine  thnu'..  hnt.  \\hat  is  still  m«'K>  rnnarkahle,  the  s;nn<^ 
developi^'nt  of  an  ov.an  ^iiinilies  things  altogether  dif- 
1,-ient-—  you  lust  t<^ll  us  that  the  orpin  of  individuality  is 
a;oi\.  and  then  that  it  prevent-*  a  man 


Tit; 

from  -isly.  a  »malily  \ 

Hal   in  oratory.  1  should  think.      \  «>u  tell  us   n  i- 
peusable  to  cesiain  inch  children  cannot  com 

prehend,  and  ceitam  .    <ueh  as  law.   phy», 

merchandise,  which  children  cannot    en^a^e  in.  anil  vet 
-ay  it  is  ni  >M    strongly  developed    in    ehildren.       It 
seems  to  mo  this  savours.  as  it  were,  of  contradiction — 
luoa  M  contradictory  cannot,  1  should  think,  he 

true." 

v    .         'i.  d  ihe  tlort-M- — vou    had    Ix'ttcr  stick    to    the 
man  and    the  eounteraetini;   j>nnci|)les. 
l^>  you  not  kno\\   of  the  inotlern  di-co\(  iv.  that  what  is 
morally  impossible  n  .uficaUv  \v\\c  ?      No 

scicnr(^  is  M.>\V  ccMi<ulcr(\l  ptv:'.  it  can  n.^t  only 

ilc  i-ontrailictions.  hut  tmpossshilities.  Alv  dear 
sir.  I  never  douhted  \\w  perlectihdity  of  your  'M.  n  Ala- 
chines  :  i"  m-e. 

"  ^  ith  all  my  heart,"   said  the  other.      »  l^e 
to    proeeed.    lv .  :Kni.       Pid   you    eii^a^e 

Alan  Alaehine    with  I  natural  ilevelojuuent    that 

-Mnanv  opposite  yet  reeiM\.-ileahle  things  t° 

shall  hear,  returned  the  >  •  M  ^><nl  nature 

soon    smoothed  down    :my    httle  inisatiou.       I  had    now 

r  and  a  cleik,  on  \\hoin  1  eouM   eontidently 

succcssiul  conduct    of  our   affairs,  and    the 

Nothing  was  now  want- 

d  ami  cho-cn  \\itha  proper  regard 

tv^  th<^  '.nfalli!>le   .  elopmeut. 

As  tliis  was  th«-  M-tant  matter  of  all,  I  neohnMJ 

to  be  very  particular,  and  the  rules  of  my  art 

with  more   than  ordinary  circumspection.      In  the    first 
place.  |  JHT_ 

i  of  amativeness  — 

••  EjBBUM    me  for   interrupiin::  von."    ^aid    Air.  Quo- 
minus — "  where   is  that  same  vM^an,   and   what  does   it 

V  \n 
It  b  situated,  sir,  between  the   ma-toid  process  on 


228  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

each  side  of  the  projecting  point,  in  the  middle  of  the 
transverse  ridge  of  the  occipetal  bone. 

"  Any  man  but  an  anatomist  might  as  well  look  for 
the  northwest  passage  as  for  these  incognito  organs," 
said  Quominus — "  But  the  indications  1" 

The  organ  of  amativeness  is  placed  first  in  the  sub 
lime  science,  because  it  indicates  the  propensity  to  fall 
ing  in  love — the  desire  of  propagating  our  species,  with 
out  which  there  would  be  neither  dogs'  tails,  nor  men's 
heads,  and  of  course  no  science  of  phrenology.  It  is, 
in  fact,  the  foundation  of  all  ihe  sciences.  Besides  this, 
it  is  the  organ  of  a  variety  of  other  propensities.  Mon 
sieur  Floureus,  who  amused  himself  occasionally  with 
trepanning  bullfrogs,  discovered  that  it  was  the  organ 
for  regulating  muscular  motion.  "  On  removing  the 
cerebellum  over  this  part,"  says  he,  "  the  animal  loses 
the  power  of  executing  combined  movements," — he 
can  move  one  leg,  but  not  both  at  the  same  time.  It  is 
also  the  organ  of  retrograde  motions.  Doctor  Magen- 
die,  who  is  famous  for  illustrating  the  nature  of  man  by 
the  peculiarities  of  frogs,  in  performing  some  experi 
ments  upon  these  animals,  discovered  that  disturbing  this 
organ  "  occasioned  an  irresistible  propensity  in  the  ani 
mal  to  run,  jump,  or  swim  backwards."  Other  scien 
tific  inquirers  have  found  that  when  one  part  was  cut,  the 
animal  rolled — when  another,  it  went  forward  in  extenso 
— when  another,  it  bent  double. 

"  O  !  I  see,"  interrupted  the  Man  Machine.  "  This 
organ  is  a  sort  of  jack  of  all  trades — it  can  turn  its  hand 
to  almost  any  thing.  I  don't  wonder  you  think  it  so 
indispensable  in  a  wife,  who  should  always  be  particu 
larly  expert  at  jumping  and  swimming  backwards." 

The  next  indispensable  requisite  in  a  wife,  continued 
the  doctor,  not  heeding  this  interruption,  is  the  organ  of 
philoprogenitiveness. 

"  What  is  that  V9  said  Mr.  Quominus. 

The  organ  which  indicates  an  instinctive  love  of 
offspring. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  229 

"  I  should  suppose  that  to  be  universal." 

By  no  means.  Peg  J\lacquarrie,  who  murdered  her 
child,  was  entirely  without  it — and  so  was  the  scull  of 
Varus,  who,  I  have  no  doubt,  as  Tacitus  don't  mention 
his  wife  or  children,  was  a  confirmed  bachelor.  Many 
animals  of  good  reputation  drive  their  offspring  from 
them  when  young  ;  and  the  birds  turn  their  little  ones 
neck  and  heels  out  of  the  nest  as  soon  as  they  are 
fledged.  All  these,  it  is  very  remarkable,  are  destitute 
of  the  organ  of  philoprogenitiveness.  It  is  situated  im 
mediately  above  the  middle  part  of  the  cerebellum,  and 
corresponds  to  the  protuberance  of  the  occiput.  It  is 
large  in  the  Hindoo,  Negro,  and  Carib  women. 

"  Do  they  love  their  children  better  than  other  wo 
men  ?"  asked  the  Man  Machine. 

If  they  don't,  they  ought  to  do  it ;  they  are  scientific 
ally  under  the  necessity  of  being  what  nature  plainly 
intended  they  should  be.  The  next  cerebral  develop 
ment  indispensable  in  the  organization  of  a  good  wife, 
is  that  of  concentrativeness. 

"  Where  is  that,  and  what  doth  it  signify  ?"  interrupted 
Mr.  Quominus — "  I  beg  pardon,  but  as  I  may  one  day 
marry  myself,  it  may  stand  me  in  stead  to  know  some 
thing  of  these  matters." 

It  is  just  above  philoprogenitiveness,  and  just  below 
self-esteem.  It  indicates  sedentary  habits  and  love  of 
home — as  is  proved  by  the  organ  being  enormously  ex 
panded  in  a  toad  that  was  found  imbedded  in  a  solid 
block  of  marble,  where  he  must  have  remained  for  cen 
turies.  It  is  likewise  very  strongly  developed  in  snails, 
who  seldom  go  from  home,  as  you  know. 

"  I  suppose  then  it  must  be  something  like  a  horn, 
such  as  the  snails  have,"  said  the  Man  Machine. 

The  doctor  gave  him  a  queer,  side  look,  and  pro 
ceeded. 

Doctor  Gallgotha  observed,  in  addition  to  this  love  of 
retirement  and  indisposition  to  motion,  that  the  develop- 


230  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

ment  of  this  organ  was  very  perceptible  in  the  chamois 
and  other  animals  fond  of  climbing  heights  and  browsing 
upon  precipices. 

"  An  excellent  quality  in  a  wife,"  quoth  Quominus. 

"  And  a  most  exquisite  organ,"  said  the  Man  Machine 
— "  it  plays  so  many  different  tunes.  Who  would  have 
thought  that  the  same  thing  could  signify  the  propensity 
of  a  toad,  a  snail,  and  a  wife  for  staying  at  home,  and 
the  propensity  of  a  goat  to  climb  perpendicular  rocks 
and  browse  upon  the  edge  of  precipices  ?" 

The  next  organ  essential  to  the  perfection  of  woman, 
or,  as  the  learned  say,  the  sine  qua  non  of  a  good  wife, 
is — 

"  What  V9  said  the  Man  Machine,  rubbing  his  hands 
eagerly. 

The  organ  of  adhesiveness,  which  is  just  above  the 
lamdoidal  suture.  It  is  designated  by  No.  4,  on  the 
phrenological  map  of  the  scull. 

"  Have  you  got  the  map  with  you  ?  I  should  like  to 
take  a  look  at  it,"  said  the  other,  again  interrupting 
him. 

I  will  show  it  you  when  I  have  finished  my  story, 
said  the  doctor,  and  went  on.  J  cannot  better  define 
the  indications  of  this  organ  than  in  the  words  of  one  of 
Dr.  Gallgotha's  lectures. 

"  The  faculty  of  adhesiveness,"  says  the  doctor, 
"  produces  the  instinctive  tendency  to  attach  one's  self 
to  surrounding  objects,  animate  and  inanimate.  Those 
persons  in  whom  it  is  very  strong,  feel  an  involuntary 
impulse  to  embrace  and  cling  to  the  object  of  their  affec 
tions.  In  boys  it  frequently  indicates  itself  by  attach 
ment  to  dogs,  horses,  rabbits,  squirrels,  birds,  and  other 
animals.  In  girls  it  shows  itself  in  affectionate  em 
braces  of — 

"  Of  what?"  interrupted  the  Man  Machine,  eagerly. 

Of  dolls,  replied  the  other.     It  is  stronger,  and  the 


THE    PERFECTION    OF   SCIENCE.  231 

organ  is  larger  in  women  than  in  men.  "When  too 
strong,  it  produces  the  disease  called  nostalgia — 

"What's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Quominus. 

When  feeble,  Dr.  Gallgotha  says,  it  turns  men  into 
hermits,  and  women  into  nuns.  The  organ  is  large  in 
Mary  Maginnes.* 

The  last  cerebral  development  I  was  resolved  to 
insist  upon  in  the  phrenology  of  my  wife,  was  the  organ 
of  order. 

"  Where  is  that  to  be  found  ?"  asked  Mr.  QuominuSi 

It  lies  contiguous  to  the  angle  of  the  frontal  bone, 
and  indicates  a  love  of  regularity,  and  habit  of  keeping 
every  thing  in  its  proper  place.  Doctor  Gallgotha  es 
tablished  this  indication  from  seeing  a  Dutch  woman, 
who  had  a  large  development  of  this  organ,  actually 
faint  away  at  finding  a  chair  out  of  its  place.  It  is  also 
prominent  in  the  Termes  Bellicosus,  the  honey-bee,  and 
all  animals  and  insects  that  live  in  communities.  No 
animal,  however,  exhibits  it  to  such  perfection  as  the 
beaver. 

"  And  did  you  get  such  a  wonder  for  a  wife  ?"  asked 
the  Man  Machine. 

You  shall  hear,  returned  the  other.  It  was  a  long 
time,  and  not  until  I  began  almost  to  despair  of  meeting 
a  woman  phrenologically  perfect,  that  I  succeeded  to 
my  wishes.  At  length,  in  passing  through  a  country 
where  I  was  a  stranger,  I  encountered  one  that  an 
swered  exactly  to  all  these  indications.  I  inspected 
her  cerebral  development,  and  found  all  the  indications 
quite  perfect.  This  was  all  I  wanted — I  made  no  fur 
ther  inquiries,  being  determined  to  put  down  the  enemies 
of  the  sublime  science  by  actual  demonstration. 

*  It  may  be  as  well  to  apprize  the  reader  in  general,  that  nearly 
the  whole  of  these  phrenological  data  has  been  borrowed  from 
Doctor  Spurrem,  by  the  author  of  a  work  lately  published,  called 
"  Elements  of  Phrenology." — ED. 


232  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

"  Had  -she  the  sine  qua  non,  as  you  call  it  ?"  quoth 
the  Man  Machine. 

Beautifully  developed,  said  the  other.  I  made  short 
work  of  it.  We  were  married  out  of  hand  ;  and  after 
being  acquainted  just  long  enough  for  me  to  examine 
the  cerebral  development,  I  brought  her  to  town  in 
triumph,  as  a  being  destined  to  ensure  the  triumph  of  the 
sublime  science.  I  took  a  fine  house,  and  lectured  to 
all  the  company  I  could  persuade  to  visit  us,  upon  her 
irrefragable  cerebellum.  So  immersed  was  I  for  some 
time  in  this  ecstatic  scrutiny,  that  I  forgot  my  business, 
my  partner,  and  my  clerk,  until  a  friend  came  to  me 
one  day,  and  with  a  face  of  concern,  hinted  that  our 
business  was  going  on  at  a  sad  rate.  "  Your  partner," 
said  he,  "  is  either  a  rogue  or  an  ignoramus — and  your 
clerk  spends  his  time  at  taverns  and  brothels.  Every 
thing  is  at  sixes  and  sevens — you  will  be  ruined  to  a 
certainty,  if  you  are  not  so  already." — "  What !  in  spite 
of  the  cerebral  development." — "In  spite  of  fate,"  re 
plied  my  friend.  "  Pshaw !"  replied  I — "  fate  is  a  mere 
fleabite  compared  to  phrenology."  He  left  me,  shaking 
his  head  with  an  air  of  great  concern. 

I  confess,  notwithstanding  my  reliance  upon  the  cere 
bral  development,  I  was  a  little  uneasy  at  these  warn 
ings  of  my  friend.  My  wife  too  did  frequent  violence 
to  the  organs  of  order  and  adhesiveness — for  she  left 
my  house  at  sixes  and  sevens,  and  seemed  to  adhere  to 
nothing  but  her  own  will.  We  never  had  any  children,  so 
that  I  can't  say  how  it  was  with  the  organ  of  philopro- 
genitiveness — and  as  to  that  of  amativeness,  the  truth  of 
its  augury  was  demonstrated — only  there  was  a  little  of 
mistake — she  embraced  her  lap-dog  ten  times  oftener 
than  me.  I  shall  pass  over  the  remainder  of  my  story 
with  all  brevity,  as  it  is  not  very  pleasant  to  my  recol 
lection,  nor  very  material  to  my  purpose  of  establishing 
the  practical  truths  of  the  infallible  science.  My  part 
ner  dissolved  the  firm  about  two  years  after  my  marriage, 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE.  233 

by  running  away,  and  leaving  me  answerable  for  debts 
which  consumed  all  I  had  in  the  world.  He  took  with 
him  every  thing  he  could  lay  his  hands  on  ;  even  my 
invaluable  clerk,  with  the  beautiful  development,  accom 
panied  the  second  Cosmo  De  Medicis,  and  I  never  saw 
either  of  them  again. 

My  house  and  furniture,  together  with  all  my  phreno 
logical  specimens,  not  excepting  my  wife,  soon  departed 
from  me,  either  by  course  of  law  or  course  of  nature. 
Though  entirely  destitute  of  the  organ  of  combativeness, 
she  held  John  Doe  and  Richard  Roe  at  bay  three  whole 
days,  and  defended  the  fortress  like  another  Jane  du 
Montfort.  At  length,  however,  they  came  to  terms. 
She  stipulated  for  permission  to  march  out  with  bag  and 
baggage,  and  I  took  it  for  granted  that,  like  the  women 
of  Abensburg,  she  would  leave  all  her  finery  and  carry 
me  off  on  her  back  triumphantly.  But  I  was  sadly  dis 
appointed,  when,  after  packing  up  her  clothes,  trinkets, 
and  other  things  exclusively  appertaining  to  herself, 
she  came  up  to  me,  and  making  a  low  courtesy,  bade 
me  good-by. 

"  Where  are  you  going,  my  dear  ?"  said  I — "  what 
will  you  do  alone  in  the  world,  without  your  faithful 
husband.  You  had  better  stay  and  accompany  me  to 
prison." 

"  No,  thank  you,  my  dear,  as  much  as  if  I  did,"  re 
plied  she,  making  another  low  courtesy — "  I  am  too  pru 
dent  a  woman  to  trust  myself  alone  in  the  world,  and 
dkm  not  very  fond  of  retirement.  One  of  my  husbands 
is  waiting  outside  with  a  hackney  coach  to  take  me 
home  with  him." 

"  One  of  your  husbands !"  cried  I — "  why,  how 
many  have  you  ?" 

"  A  baker's  dozen,"  replied  she,  gliding  gracefully 
out  of  the  room. 

"  A  baker's  dozen !"  cried  the  Man  Machine — "  this 


234  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

comes  of  the  organ  of  amativeness  and  the  sine  qua 
non."  - 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Quoniinus  gravely — "  I  suppose 
this  put  an  end  to  all  doubts  as  to  the  infallible  augu 
ries  of  the  cerebral  development  1" 

It  did,  replied  the  doctor — it  established  their  truth 
in  my  mind  beyond  all  contradiction  or  question. 

"  You  don't  say  so  !"  quoth  the  other. 

But  I  do  say  so,  cried  Doctor  Spurrem,  waxing  rather 
warm — I  affirm  that  the  failure  of  my  experiment  is 
the  best  possible  proof  of  the  sublimity  of  the  science. 

"  Of  its  sublimity — not  of  its  truth,"  observed  Quo- 
minus. 

Of  its  truth,  sir.  Every  failure  in  demonstrating 
the  truth  adds  to  the  certainty  of  its  existence,  and  leads 
most  directly  to  a  discovery.  You  might  as  well  say 
that  there  was  no  New  World  before  Columbus  discov 
ered  it,  as  that  nothing  is  true  until  it  is  proved  to  be  so. 
The  science  of  phrenology  may  be  compared  to  an 
undiscovered  country — a — 

"  A  terra  incognito,"  said  the  Man  Machine. 

"  An  island  of  Atalantis,"  said  Quoniinus. 

"  An  Utopia,"  cried  the  other. 

"  A  survey  of  a  canal  across  the  Pyrenees,"  cried 
Quoniinus. 

"  A  rail-way  over  the  Atlantic,"  roared  the  Man  Ma 
chine. 

"  A  mountain  in  the  moon,"  vociferated  Quoniinus. 

"  But  really,"  said  the  Man  Machine,  after  a  short 
pause — "  were  you  really — excuse  me — were  you  really 
such  a  goose  as  to  believe  in  the  cerebral  developments 
after  they  had  treated  you  so  scurvily  ?  What  could 
possess  you  ?" 

The  same  spirit  that  possessed  you  to  believe  in  the 
perfectibility  of  man,  and  your  friend  in  the  perfection 
of  reason. 


THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE*  235 

"  And  you  don't  believe  in  the  perfectibility  of  man?" 
roared  the  Man  Machine. 

"  Nor  in  the  perfection  of  reason,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Quominus,  half-laughing,  as  if  he  did  not  believe  in  it 
himself,  though  he  did  not  like  other  people  to  call  it  in 
question. 

No  more  than  I  believe  the  moon  is  made  of  green 
cheese,  and  peopled  with  Welsh  rabbits.  But  I  do  not 
wonder  at  your  putting  these  visionary  follies  and  absurd 
theories  on  a  par  with  my  demonstrative  science,  since  I 
perceive  quite  plainly,  each  of  you  is  entirely  destitute 
of  the  organ  of  comparison. 

"  No  organ  of  comparison !"  exclaimed  the  Man 
Machine. 

'  No  organ  of  comparison  !"  cried  Quominus. 

No,  sir — nor  of  wit — nor  order — nor  time — nor 
tune — nor  causality — nor  constructiveness — nor  colour 
ing — nor  number — nor  ideality — which  is  synonymous 
with  genius.  Your  cerebral  developments  are  horrid — 
your  indications  abominable — your  cerebellums  no  bet 
ter  than  pine  barrens — and  the  backs  of  your  heads 
have  no  more  meaning  than  other  people's  faces. 

"  No  genius  !"  cried  the  Man  Machine. 

"  A  pine  barren  !"  exclaimed  Quominus. 

"  He  is  terribly  under  the  influence  of  the  counteract 
ing  principles." 

"  He  is  worse  than  Caveat  Emptor,  or  Locus  in  quo." 

I  could  make  better  sculls  out  of  a  potatoe,  said 
the  doctor,  furiously. 

"  Or  the  head  of  the  Lovely  Nancy,"  retorted  the 
Man  Machine,  who  with  Quominus  burst  into  a  roar  of 
laughter  at  this  lucky  hit. 

I  have  seen  people  keep  their  temper  when  the  argu 
ment  was  against  them,  but  I  never  knew  even  a  philo 
sopher  that  could  stand  two  to  one  against  him  in  a 
laugh.  Dr.  Spurrem  lifted  up  a  stout  ivory-headed  cane 


236  THE    PERFECTION    OF    SCIENCE. 

with  intent,  as  I  believe,  to  let  it  fall  on  the  cerebral 
development  of  the  Pupil  of  Circumstances  ;  but  that 
expert  Spinning  Jenny  warded  off  the  blow  with  his 
cocked  hat,  which  was  unfortunately  knocked  over 
board,  and  the  cane  lighted  directly  on  the  combative 
organ  of  the  Perfection  of  Reason.  Each  of  the  Wise 
Men  now  started  up  for  the  purpose  of  defending  his 
person,  or  his  theory ;  and  in  the  confusion  the  jolly 
Bowl,  being  left  without  a  cockswain,  imperceptibly 
drifted  into  the  eddying  circles  of  a  great  whirlpool,  sup 
posed  to  be  the  Mrelstrom  of  Norway.  Here,  after 
whirling  round  and  round  for  some  time,  it  unluckily 
struck  against  the  head  of  the  Man  Machine,  who  was 
dodging  to  avoid  a  second  application  of  the  ivory- 
headed  cane.  The  concussion  of  these  two  hard 
bodies  proved  fatal  to  the  bowl,  which  parted  exactly  in 
two  pieces,  just  as  it  floated  to  the  centre  of  the  vortex, 
in  which  the  whole  party  was  suddenly  engulfed.  The 
last  vestige  of  them  seen  was  the  tip  of  the  ivory-headed 
cane,  which  the  doctor  seemed  still  flourishing  in  vindi- 
catian  of  the  infallible  science.  i 

What  became  of  these  renowned  philosophers  is  not 
precisely  known.  The  most  probable,  and  at  the  same 
time,  the  most  consoling  opinion  is,  that  this  tremendous 
vortex  was  one  of  the  great  avenues  to  the  newly  dis 
covered  CONCENTRIC  SPHERES;  and  that,  consequently, 
there  is  a  possibility  at  least  that  our  illustrious  trio  may 
have  found  in  some  other  world  what  they  vainly  sought 
in  this. 


THE    END. 


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A   VIEW  OF  ANCIENT 
AND     MODERN     EGYPT. 

With  an  Outline  of  its  Natural 
History.  By  the  Rev.  M.  RUS 
SELL,  LL.D.  18mo.  With  a 
Map  and  Engravings. 

In  this  volume  is  contained  a  distinct  and 
well  arranged  account  of  all  that  is  known  with 
certainty  respecting  the  ancient  history,  as  well 
as  the  present  condition,  of  that  extraordinary 
country,  whose  antiquity  baffles  the  research  of 
the  most  persevering  explorers,  and  to  which 
both  Rome  and  G.reece  were  indebted  for  at 
least  the  rudiments  of  those  arts  and  sciences 
which  were  brought  in  them  to  such  perfection. 
The  stupendous  remains  of  Egyptian  architect 
ure,  and  tl.e  treasures  of  knowledge  that  still 
remainlocked  up  in  the  far-famed  hieroglyphics, 
have  long  engaged  the  attention  of  the  most  ac 
complished  scholars,  and  every  thing  relating 
to  th«m  and  the  land  in  which  they  exist  is  in 
the  highest  degree  interesting  to  the  inquiring 


HISTORY  OF  POLAND. 
From  the  Earliest  Period  to 
the  Present  Time.  By  JAMES 
FLETCHER,  Esq.  With  a  Nar 
rative  of  the  Recent  Events, 
obtained  from  a  Polish  Patriot 
Nobleman.  18mo.  With  a 
Portrait  of  Kosciusko. 

The  recent  unsuccessful  effort  of  the  gallant 
and  unfortunate  Poles  to  break  their  yoke  of 
bondage  has  fixed  the  attention  and  awakened 
the  sympathies  of  every  lover  of  freedom  and 
every  friend  to  humanity.  The  writer  of  this 
history  has  brought  to  his  undertaking  much 
learning,  great  industry  and  patience  in  re- 
learch,  and  the  most  unbiassed  'candour.  The 
Tolume  is  full  of  interest  and  useful  informa 
tion,  drawn  from  an  immense  variety  of  source', 
many  of  which  are  not  accessible  to  the  mass 
of  readers,  particularly  in  America. 

FESTIVALS,  GAMES, 
AND  AMUSEMENTS.  An 
cient  and  Modern.  By  HOKA- 
TIO  SMITH,  Esq.  18ino.  With 
Additions,  by  SAMUEL  WOOD- 
WORTH,  Esq.,  of  New- York. 

"  Laws,  institutions,  empires  pass  away  and 
»re  forgotten,  but  the  diversions  of  a  people. 


table  element  of  the  general  feeling,  or  perpetu 
ated  by  circumstances  of  climate  and  locality, 
will  frequently  survive  when  every  other  na. 
tiona!  peculiarity  his  worn  itself  out  and  fallen 
into  oblivion."  This  extract  shows  the  spirit 
in  which  this  captivating  volume  was  de- 
•igned.  and  its  pretensions  to  utility.  The  in 
formation  imbodied  in  its  pages  is  curinus  and 
extensive,  and  not  the  least  attractive  portion  is 
the  account  of  the  amusements,  &e.  peculiar  to 
different  lections  of  tli«  United  States,  added  bv 
Mr.  Won,]  worth. 


HISTORY  OF  THE  BI 
BLE.  By  the  Rev.  G.  R. 
GLEIG.  In  2  vols.  18mo.  With 
a  Map  of  Palestine. 

These  volumes  do  not,  as  from  the  title  one 
might  Irctagine,  contain  mertlj  an  account  of 
the  origin  and  contents  of  the  Sacred  Volume ; 
the  object  of  the  writer  has  extended  far  be 
yond  this.  He  has  produced,  perhaps,  the 
most  elaborate  and  able  examination  of  the  va 
rious  objections  urged  against  the  Scripture* 
that  has  ever  been  written;  and,  at  the  same 
time,  one  of  the  clearest  and  most  satisfactory 
expositions  of  the  whole  Bible,  not  only  as  the 
foundation  of  our  faith,  but  also  as  a  hist-ry. 
In  the  performance  of  his  task,  Mr  Gleig  has 
exhibited  equal  piety  and  learning,  and  his  worfc 
is  calculated  to  facilitate  to  a  remarkable  dcsroa 
both  the  comprehension  and  enjoyment  of  the 
inspired  writings. 


HISTORICAL  AND  DE 
SCRIPTIVE  ACCOUNT  OF 
BRITISH  INDIA ;  from  the 
most  Remote  Period  to  the 
Present  Time.  Including  a 
Narrative  of  the  early  Portu 
guese  and  English  Voyages,  the 
Revolutions  in  the  Mogul  Em 
pire,  and  the  Origin,  Progress, 
and  Establishment  of  the  Brit 
ish  Power  ;  with  Illustrations 
of  the  Zoology,  Botany,  Cli 
mate,  Geology,  and  Mineral 
ogy.  By  HUGH  MURRAY,  Esq., 
JAMES  WILSON,  Esq.,  R.  K. 
GREVILLK,  LL.D.,  WHITELAW 
AINSLIE,  M.D.,  WM.  RH.ND, 
Esq.,  Prof. JAMESON,  Prof. WAL 
LACE,  and  Captain  CLARENCE 
DALRYMPLE.  In  3  vols.  ISmo 
With  a  Map  and  Engravings. 

A  history  of  India  in  a  convenient  form,  and 
in  an  easy  and  familiar  s'yle,  has  long  been  con 
sidercd  a  desideratum.  This  work  commences 
with  the  early  annals  of  the  Hindoos,  traces  the 
progress  and  decline  of  the  Mohammedan 
power,  and  brinjrs  the  history  of  the  flritith  do 
minion  in  India  down  tu  the  time  of  the  perma 
nent  establishment  of  the  India  Company  and 
the  foundation  of  that  stupendous  empire.  It  is 
divided  imo  departments  comprising  the  his 
tory,  literature,  arts,  and  manners  of  the  Hin 
doos,  and  a  description  of  the  counrrv,  its  cli 
mate,  soil,  diseases,  production*,  ami  natural 
features;  these  departments  have  been  com 
mitted  to  distinct  writers  of  eminence,  and  fufiy 
qualified  to  treat  of  them  with  distinguished 
ability,  and  the  result  has  been  \te  production, 
of  a  body  of  accurate  and  complete  information 
such  an  is  not  to  be  found  collected  in  any  oth«r 
"'ark  in  the  English  lawguags. 


Works  Published  by  Harper  cf-  Brothers. 


SACRED  HISTORY  OF 
THE  WORLD,  as  displayed 
in  the  Creation  arid  subsequent 
Events  to  the  Deluge.  At 
tempted  to  be  philosophically 
considered,  in  a  Series  of  Let 
ters  to  a  Son.  By  SHARON 
TURNER,  F.S.A.  18mo. 

To  exhibit  the  Divine  Mind  in  connexion 
with  the  production  and  preservation,  and  with 
the  laws  and  agencies  of  visible  nature,  and  to 
lead  the  inquirer  to  perceive  the  clear  and  uni 
versal  distinction  which  prevails  between  the 
material  and  immaterial  substances  in  our 
world,  both  in  their  phenomena  and  their  prin 
ciples,  is  the  main  object  of  this  admirable  vol 
ume.  In  it  religious  and  scientific  instruction 
are  skilfully  and  strikingly  blended,  and  facts 
and  principles  are  so  made  to  illustrate  each 
other  that  the  mind  and  heart  are  equally  im 
proved  by  its  perusal,  and  the  cause  of  science 
is,  as  it  were,  identified  with  that  of  religion. 
The  information  contained  in  it  chiefly  relates 
to  Natural  History,  and  it  is  extremely  copious, 
accurate,  and  interesting,  while  the  reflections 
are  eminent  for  their  depth,  wi*iom,  and 
piety. 


HISTORY  OF  IRELAND. 

From  the  Anglo-Norman  Inva 
sion  till  the  Union  of  the  Coun 
try  with  Great  Britain.  By  W. 
C.  TAYLOR,  Esq.  With  Ad 
ditions.  By  WiiLUAM  SAMP 
SON,  Esq.  In  2  vols.  18mo. 
With  Engravings. 

Before  its  repuhlication,  this  work  was  sub 
mitted  for  examination  to  several  gentlemen 
resident  in  New  -York,  natives,  or  the  descend 
ants  of  natives,  of  the  country  whose  history  it 
contains,  and  distinguished  fur  their  attachment 
to  tl.e  unhappy  land  to  which  they  trace  their 
origin,  and  lor  their  talents  and  acquirement*. 
Their  opinion  was  unanimous,  and  highly 
favourable,  and  each  of  them  expressed  in 
strong  terms  the  pleasure  it  would  .iftord  him  to 
te»  republisheu  in  the  United  Stales  a  work  w> 
fair,  so  copious,  and  so  accurate.  The  public  at 
large  lias  confirmed  their  sentence,  and  stamped 
this  history  with  the  seal  of  approbation.  The 
value  of  the  history  as  origin.illy  published  has 
been  greatly  enhanced  by  the  additions  of  Wil 
liam  Sampson,  Ksq.,  whose  reputation  is  too 
well  known  in  the  country  of  his  adoption  to 
require  eulogy. 


HISTORICAL  VIEW  OF 
THE  PROGRESS  OF  DIS 
COVERY  ON  THE  MORE 
NORTHERN  COASTS  OF 
NORTH  AMERICA.  From 
the  Earliest  Period  to  tho  Prr?- 
ent  Time.  By  p  p.  Tvi 


Esq.  With  Descriptive  Sketch-' 
es  of  the  Natural  History  of 
the  North  American  Regions. 
By  Professor  WILSON.  18mo. 
With  a  Map  and  Engravings. 

Among  the  most  remarkable  occurrences  of 
the  nineteenth  century  are  the  various  expedi 
tions  of  discovery  to  the  northern  coasts  of  the 
western  continent,  so  important,  although  not 
perfectly  satisfactory  in  their  results.  In  nc 
other  portion  of  the  earth's  surface  has  the  navi 
gator  to  contend  with  such  formidable  difficul 
ties,  anl  in  none  docs  he  behold  so  peculiar  an 
aspect  of  nature,— it  follows,  therefore,  of 
course,  that  expeditions  to  no  other  part  of  the 
world  furnish  to  the  historian  such  ample  and 
interesting  materials.  The  present  volume  ex 
hibits  a  full  and  accurate*  view  of  all  that  is  im 
portant  in  modern  knowledge  of  the  most  re 
mote  territories  of  North  America,  and  may  be 
considered  as  forming  a  sequel  to  the  "  Polar 
Seas  and  Regions,"  and  as  furnishin?  all  that 
was  wanting  to  a  complete  account  of  the  whole 
series  of  northern  discoveries  by  land  and 
water. 


HISTORY  OF  CHARLE 
MAGNE.  To  which  is  pre 
fixed  an  Introduction,  compris 
ing  the  History  of  France  from 
the  Earliest  Period  to  the  Birth 
of  Charlemagne.  By  G.  P.  R. 
JAMES,  Esq.  18ino.  With  a 
Portrait. 

The  age  of  Charlemagne  may  be  considered 
as  the  period  to  which  the  origin  of  most  of  the 
lations  of  Europe,  as  they  at  present  exist,  can 
ilone  he  traced  with  sufficient  certainty, — be- 
,-or.d  this  eprKh,  the  researches  of  the  historian 
ire  often  fated  to  end  in  disappointment  and 
obscurity.  In  tracing  the  fortunes  of  the  seve- 
ral  powers  into  which  that  continent  is  divided, 
Tom  the  earliest  attainable  facts  to  the  present 
time,  it  is  indispensable  that  the  inquirer  should 
>ossess  a  clear  and  accurate  understanding  of 
he  actual  stale  as  well  of  France  as  of  the  sur 
rounding  countries,  at  the  peri-xl  when,  by  the 
uccesses  and  achievements  of  that  rennrkaMe 
nonarch,  his  kingdom  became  the  dominant 
?ower  of  the  Kuropean  continent.  Until  the 
appearance  of  Mr.  James's  History,  this  cicnj 
and  acc-jrate  understanding  was  of  exceedingly 
difficult  attainment,— the  materials  from  which 
if  was  to  be  drawn  were  scattered  through  va 
rious  historical  works,  and  all  the  l.ihour  of 
arrangement,  condensation,  and  comparison  was 
to  be  performed  by  the  s'uden!  himself.  Such 
is  no  longer  the  cass, — light  has  been  shed  upon 
>he  darkness  of  that  remote  age,— and  the  world 
of  Science  is  indebted  to  Mr.  James  for  the 
means  of  readily  acquiring  a  complete  »nd  sa^- 
Wkctory  knowledgs  in  all  its  details,  of  the  first 
great  epoch  in  European  history.  In  the  nu- 
.,  mentations  of  this  work  that  have 
appeared  in  the  Reviews  and  periodicals  both 
of  Ensriand  and  the  United  States,  the  highest 
terms  of  eulogy  have  been  employed,— and  all 
have  noticed  with  strong  expressions  of  praise, 
Hie  singular  perspicuity  of  'he  style,  and  the 
r-.;.  ..>.-k:ible  a'^-cce  of  prolixity  and  confuiion 
I  greasoi  (hs  narrative. 


14  DAY  USE  _^ 

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